My 4-Step Method for Making the Holidays Better

Today's episode is the holiday blues. When you ask people in surveys, what's the one emotion that best characterizes the holidays? Most people give a positive word, you know, of feeling good about, you know, the relationships, for example, the warmth that they feel, the generosity that they feel. But a lot of people, you see three other words that show up in surveys about the most predominant emotion at Christmas time, which is annoyance, disappointment, and sadness. You feel like a grouch and a scrooge as a result of it. You don't want to be that way. So I have a protocol to help you celebrate Christmas in a very joyful interior way such that you can be the person that you want to be on Christmas. Hey friends, welcome to office hours. I'm Arthur Brooks. I'm your host dedicated to helping you with a better life. Full of more love and more happiness. That's what people tend to talk about this time of year anyway, isn't it? Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrated happy holidays to all of you. This is the end of the year, which people are talking about how they can have better relationships, how they can have fun together, and everybody's in a mood too, or at least they feel like they should be in a mood to be happier than they would be any other time of the year. But for some of you, that's maybe not so easy. Today's episode is the holiday blues. It's the tough time that people have at Christmas or the other end of the year holidays. And if that's you, what you can do about it, and if it's somebody that you love how you can actually help them, that's what I want to talk about here today. Now as always, please do feedback. I love hearing from all of you. It's very easy to reach me. The email address is officehoursatrthurbrooks.com. Don't forget to leave a review of the episodes so that we can get your opinion on this at Spotify or Apple, and subscribe to the platform of your choice. Also leave comments. We love the comments. We read the comments. We react to the comments. Okay, so difficulty with the holidays that people actually feel. I see this all the time. I talk to people constantly who will confide in me that the hard time of year, not an easy time of year. That's what the holiday blues are actually all about. And you know, one of the things that you, when you talk to me to help professionals is that traffic in and out of therapists office and psychiatrists office tends to be higher during the holidays and not more. And if this were a uniformly happy thing, then this would be Christmas time would be the ultimate anti-depressant. But in point of fact, it's not. It actually pushes a lot of people in the other direction. And when you ask people in surveys, you know, what's the one emotion that best characterizes the holidays? Most people give a positive word, you know, about feeling good about, you know, the relationships, for example, the warmth that they feel, the generosity that they feel. But a lot of people, you see three other words that show up in surveys about the most predominant emotion at Christmas time, which is annoyance, disappointment, and sadness. So I want to talk a little bit if that's you or somebody that you know, what you can do about it, how to understand why the holidays are so hard for some people and what you can do if that's afflicting you. Now, I find in my research and what I see in the work that other social scientists do is there kind of three reasons that people feel a lot of holiday blues. Number one is that holidays never seem to live up to the past. You know, what you're experiencing was always better in the past. And so it's disappointing. It's disappointment. Second is bad memories is trauma. You know, some bad things that actually happened in the past and that taint it right now. So therefore that sadness, that sadness that overtakes. And the last is, is feeling just really overwhelmed and annoyed at, you know, the spirit of the season and this pressure to actually put on a happy face to decorate your home to listen to constant recordings of Frosty and Snowman and in the CVS and, you know, and hummelong and yeah. And so that those are the three reasons that those three big words keep showing up again and again and again, which is a noisness, disappointment and sadness. I don't want to take them one by one starting with this appointment, understanding, you know, what actually is going on, why people feel disappointed and what you can do about it. To understand disappointment and for that matter sadness coming from trauma of of holidays past, we need to understand the structure of human memory. And this is a super interesting area of neuroscience, people who study memories in the brain. Now, to begin with, there's two kinds of memories that that we have as homo sapiens. We have semantic memories and episodic memories. Semantic memories are general. They're, they're, they're knowledge that you gain and keep about certain things. So a semantic memory of Christmas would be, it's a certain time at the end of the year in late December. And when it's usually cold and when people get together and they have a really nice time and give each other presents, you know what Christmas is. Your knowledge of what Christmas is is a semantic memory. Now, not only homo sapiens have semantic memories. Your dog has a semantic memory. It knows where its food dish is. That's a semantic memory. It's just a knowledge about something. Then there's episodic memories and this is a lot more human. This is the photo album in your head. This is the video library that's in your head of things that have happened that you recorded and that you remember specific things that you remember. And for Christmas, this would be that time that you got nothing to underwear from your family, that Christmas or that Christmas when Uncle Fred, you know, got really drunk and barfed in the front yard and beat up the neighbor and got arrested. Or it's, you know, it's a memory of a Christmas past is an episodic memory. Those two things actually work together. Why? Because episodic memories and the way that they, we maintain them and the way they get corrupted more in the second, is what affects semantic memory. So your impression of Christmas might actually be a product. Your impression, your knowledge about Christmas is affected by all the memories that you have about specific Christmas in the past. You get the point that I'm trying to make, obviously. Now, begin with your episodic memories, that library, that video library. It's quite inaccurate. And there's a ton of research on this that what you remember about Christmas is in the past actually didn't happen. And it sort of happened. It was truthy, but it's not really what happened quite accurately. And there's a ton of research on how episodic memory gets corrupted. For example, there's a number of studies that ask what happened on a particular date. So you, I could ask you, what happened on 9-11? I mean, not what happened historically, but what happened in your life? What was going on in your life at 9-11? What did you see? How did you experience the news of the terrorist bombings on 9-11? And what you say is most likely not going to be very accurate. So people will say, I saw this, I did this, I talked to this person. And if you really do have accurate records of what happened that day, you'll find that it diverges quite a lot of people are shocked when they see that their accounts of a particular date differ so much from really happened on that date. And they say that people will often think that the historical record is wrong, that their memories are right, but it's not true. It's not the case. There's a whole bunch of reasons that your memory actually changes. And this is why you can't rely on memories from decades ago of witnesses to a particular crime. That's the reason that it's unreliable evidence. You know, people's memories from a long time ago. The hippocampus of the brain where episodic memories are stored, that's kind of like the library where the volumes are being inserted. Experiences that we have, and the passage of time goes in and kind of, it moves all the books around. Any episodic memory that you have of a particular event, Christmas 1988, for example, is actually a bunch of little memories of little episodes that are stored in different places. And those files get corrupted, and they get cross-wired, and they get influenced by what other people tell you. I mean, you can induce an episodic memory in a person by telling them over and over and over again when they're a kid about something that happened before they had memories that they would retain. To say, when you were one, this happened, when you were one, this happened, and by the time that the kid is five or six years old, they have a memory of when they were one. Well, it's not. It's a false memory. And that's the same thing for any of us when people keep telling us a narrative about something that was not accurate. It will become the narrative because it will corrupt the episodic memory in the hippocampus of our brains. That happens all the time. The second thing is that we have a natural tendency to remember the past is better than it was. And there's a reason for that. That's called fading affect bias. We, in real time, for things that are happening right now, we have a negativity bias. We tend to see the negative sides a lot more strongly than the positive sides because negative emotions keep you alive and positive emotions are nice to have. And so you're paying a lot more attention to the negative. That's just part of what it means to be a surviving, thriving member of the Homo sapiens. But when the thing has passed, you can edit out a lot of the negativity that didn't actually lead to problems. And what you remember, the things that were beneficial to you, the things that actually profited you, which tends to be the more positive side of things. And so you edit your own memories to get rid of the stuff that you don't need and keep the things that you still do use. I give you an example of fading affect bias. My been on campuses my whole life. And I've witnessed a lot of reunions. Now, I know from being a faculty member on campus that the first semester of the first year for people going to college is super hard. They're calling home. I'm so lonely. Come pick me up. I don't have any friends. I just failed an exam. Life sucks. But when they get together for the reunions 10 and 20 and 30 years later with the people that net during the first semester of their first year of college, it's all like it was so great. It was the best time of our lives. It was so wonderful. A fully life could still be like that. What's the difference? And the answer is the fading affect bias is a process of editing their own hippocampus, their own set of episodic memories, getting rid of the current misery that they had and keeping the knowledge about their friends, which is almost all positive. That's how it works. It's what they learned and when they benefited from is the remaining memory. And so the result of this all of this altogether is that we tend to have episodic memories of Christmas's in the past as better than they actually were because you don't remember the conflict around the table. You don't remember the fact that, you know, Aunt Marge got a fishbone stuck in her throat and it was scary and you don't remember that Uncle Fred actually got in a fight with a neighbor. Or if you do, it actually seems funny to you because it turned out okay in the end. And it was pretty unpleasant at that particular time when you got into a shouting match with somebody. But it turned out to be okay. And so you edited that out. You edited out the part that made you want to cry on that particular day. And the result is your library of Christmas days in the past is a library of lovely memories. It's kind of snapshots, it's Polaroids, it's Christmas cards. Those are a good representation of your edited episodic memory of Christmas's past. What are you comparing those two? You're comparing those two Christmas's right now. This Christmas when you're sitting around your family and guess what? It's an actually accurate experience of human life, which is a bunch of good and a bunch of bad all happening at the same time. A combination, a tossed salad, a positive and negative emotions being experienced in a real time in the limbic system of your brain. And you're doing a cost benefit analysis in the experience that's quite accurate right now and comparing it to one that's quite inaccurate from before. And the conclusion you come to is Christmas is a lot better in the old days. This is why people always say the old days were better as a matter of fact. But holidays in particular seem like they were more fun, they were more warm, they were more wonderful, they were sweeter. But that's not true actually. And it's very helpful for you to understand what I'm talking about right now. It's very important. Not that I don't want to ruin your memories of 1978. But I want you to be accurate about them. And to say, look, I remember these really good things, but I know there were some things that weren't so good too. And what I'm experiencing right now is what I'm going to remember later, probably mostly in terms of the nice things that are happening right now, that you shouldn't go through life being disappointed because the current seems worse than the past. You should go through life with a body of knowledge about the way that memory actually works. This is how knowledge is power. This is the science actually gives you power. And then you can chuckle to yourself. I'm going to add it out all the bad parts of this day. And you know, all the bad parts of this day, they were happening back in the old days too. And it's actually okay. It won't solve the problem entirely, but I guarantee you this has really helped me a lot that you will realize that it may feel like the present never was up to the past. But in play a fact, the present does live up to the past. Here's the second problem, which is sadness. And sadness around the holidays is often based on trauma. You know, I'm not, you know, a super, super believer that all of our destiny is based on childhood trauma. I'm not of that school. And I'm out of that school because I don't think the research actually supports it. Everybody has some trauma in their lives. Some people a lot more than others. But most people actually have tremendous post-traumatic growth. And that's an important thing to keep in mind. But there are experiences, particularly around the holidays, that can really stick with you because of the salience of the holiday itself. And give you a sad reminiscence. You can't get beyond it with fading affect bias because there just weren't good parts about it. They, the only parts they can remain. There's nothing good about it. You're not going to remember any good parts. You're going to remember like every Christmas. You know, I talk to people who say the only thing I remember about Christmas is my mom, you know, locked in a room saying, I hate Christmas or something. You know, mom, I was crying or dad, I was drinking too much. You're just again and again and again. And that builds an authentically bad library in your brain. The episodic memory is stocked. And what that does is that that then affects the semantic memory. The knowledge, overall knowledge of the holiday is built on this big library of really, really negative events over and over again. And thus, you have a conclusion. The conclusion semantically is Christmas sucks. Christmas is sadness. Christmas is a burden. That could be a big problem for people because what that does is it biases you toward having that exact same experience or God forbid it makes it so that you'll never actually go out there and experience Christmas anymore. You'll avoid it. You'll have a voidant behavior of the holiday. The way to deal with that is not just knowledge and knowledge helps. But it's actually there's better things that you can do than just knowledge. And that's actually editing your memories, editing your memories. And you can absolutely do this. And there's a ton of research on this. And I'm going to put in some things into the show notes from articles I've written about this in the Atlantic and elsewhere about how to edit your own memories. And here's a couple of examples of this. You can edit your memory of something that was really kind of sad and traumatic as actually being funny. And I learned this from, you know, one of the guests on this show and a great friend of mine, Rain Wilson, he was on a few months ago. And you know, Rain had a really hard childhood. He's talked about this a lot. He talked about this publicly, you know, his family broke up. His mom left the family when he was two. And holidays were hard and sad, as you can imagine. But he noticed something when he was a kid that when he was feeling especially depressed and sad, that if he said something funny, which he was good at, I mean, Rain Wilson is super funny, that everybody laughed and he felt better. And this is an idea that you can actually take. Be Rain Wilson. If you have bad memories, think about those memories, not as sad, but actually as funny. That's why professional comedians, they're often very screwed up. They often have a very bad past. What they do full time is they joke around a lot about how screwed up their childhoods were. Have you ever noticed this? What are they doing? They're doing memory editing, right there. Not to say that the bad thing didn't happen. No, no, no, you're not going burn the books in your episodic library. What they're doing is they're looking at these things, they're turning it over in their minds to realize how unbelievably funny these things are. And they're super funny. You make fun of the fact that mom, you know, run to her room and slam the door, you can make it into a pretty good joke, actually. I mean, can you, I don't know, it seems funny to me right now. I don't know why. Anyway, so to reframing is really important thing. Another reframing technique that works incredibly well for editing your memories is asking this, not what did I suffer, but what did I learn? What, not what did I suffer? Like how bad that was, but what did I learn as a result of that? And what did I learn that was wrong that I needed to unlearn? But thinking of it as this experience and growth, because suffering is an experience and growth suffering is your teacher. I've talked about this on the show a bunch of times. And no doubt we'll talk about it more. So how not are you, is your current suffering your teacher, but how is your past suffering, your teacher? What can you learn more of? And what did you learn more of as a result of having these relatively negative experiences? If you reframe sadness as humor and suffering as your teacher, as your opportunity to learn and grow, you're really going to start seeing these things in a different way. Why? Because you're going to be much more willing this editing of your memory, this reinterpretation, this refraining of negative memories to actually participate in something like this and not feel like you're bound to the past. You're not strapped to the mast of all these negative memories per se. That's how trauma can not, and sadness is not determinative of the experience that you should have going forward, which is really important. Okay, that's that's disappointment of sadness. Now let's talk about annoyance, which is usually based on overwhelm. And I'm guilty of this. I'm guilty of this. I mean, it's a, you know, and part of it is just because, you know, I was a classical musician for such a long time that, you know, I, and I played so many Christmas concerts in my life. My 20s were built on Christmas concerts. And it's the same thing. Their holiday family tradition would be going to a church and listening to musicians playing the same old, you know, really terrible Christmas carols like, I know, the 12 days of Christmas. And it's like, I just just make, please make it stop. Do anything. I'll pay any amount of money to make it stop. Some are beautiful, but I mean, you, when you play them enough times, you become really contemptuous of that. And, and so hearing that, and, and just the crass consumerism, it's just so gross and troublesome for a lot of people. And that's always been me, you know, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna lie about it. You know, I've got some sadness, you know, I've got some, not that much disappoint. They got a little bit of sadness for some things, and, you know, when I was a kid, but, you know, it's no problem, no problem. I can get beyond it. But the overwhelm of it really, really bugs me. And I mean, to the extent that before I actually was studying anything about behavior. And, and so therefore, I was not managing my own behavior very well. When my kids were little, uh, Esther, my wife, you know, she, she's always been had a great attitude about Christmas. And she never had a Christmas tree growing up because she grew up in Spain. They have a Pasebara, which is the, the Nativity scene, the crash. And that's what they do for Christmas. And so we came to the States. She had the Christmas tree. She said, all this is awesome. And it was a new thing for her when she was in her late 20s is when that started. And so she's all about it. Didn't have any baggage about this stuff at all. She thought it was super cool. And so we have a lavish tree and, and, and decorations. And, and I was kind of bugged me. And I didn't want to, I didn't want to decorate the tree. She didn't know why. And so once, once, on the 27th of December, she had to do something with the kids. And she went out and I'm like, you know, what Christmas is over. And I took down the tree on, on, and I put the tree out by the curb. And, and I put away all the Christmas decorating the 27th at the start. That's not what she's supposed to do. I mean, 12 days of Christmas means 12 days starting on Christmas day. And she comes home and is like, towards the tree, like out by the curb. It's awesome. It's over. It's over. We had now we have 363 days until the next thing time I have to go through this annoyance. And, man, it was, it was not a great day in our family, because the kids are crying and she's really mad. And I'm like, yeah, I guess that was a great thing for me to do. But it was really a reflection of my petulence, of my annoyance, of, of not really enjoying that. And, and so I started to think about what could I actually do to celebrate this in a different way? And now as a behavioral scientist, I've talked to a lot of people who actually experienced this. And, and I have a protocol that I want to share with you for those of you who find Christmas overwhelming and, and really unbelievably irritating, because of the way that it's, and you feel like, you feel like a grouch and a, and a scrooge as a result of it. And you don't want to be that way. So I have a protocol to help you celebrate Christmas in a, in a very joyful interior way such that you can be the person that you want to be on Christmas. Okay. Here's, here's how it works. Now it starts with the, this Christmas protocol that I really, really like now today is really, by the way, folks, this has really changed my life. I'm a lot easier to live with on the holidays as a result of this one. This starts with a work of a Christmas writer. He's actually a fourth century archbishop of Constantinople in, in the early Christian church named Gregory of Nazanzias in 380 after the death of Christ. And he wrote this about Christmas. Let us not adorn our porches nor arranged dances nor decorate the streets nor make tabernacles for the belly of what belongs to the Vachery. You know, there's, don't eat more on Christmas, eat less, don't decorate your house more, decorate it less. And that you're like, what a killjoy. Thanks, St. Greg. Thanks for the being a killjoy, but that's not what he meant at all. He actually wasn't against overt revelry. What he was about was that revelry should be based on interior worship and peace. Now, based on that, this is what this super early morning Christmas protocol is about that I practice and I recommend to you. There's been some life changing for me. What I do now to make sure that I have Christmas properly understood in my heart, and I'm actually able to have a few good laughs and a good time without being a jerk about it is I start my Christmas now before dawn. You know, I don't sleep in on Christmas. And again, when my kids were a little my kids were all grown up now and I live with my grandchildren now. So it's kind of the same thing. When my kids were little, they would be getting up at 630 in the morning or something, wanting to open Christmas presents. That's actually later now than what I do all by myself, which is I get up before dawn 435 o'clock in the morning and I use that time to remember what I as a Christian person believe about Christmas, which is this this is the beginning of a celebration of the divine miracle of God becoming human, which is this touching of the metaphysical with a physical. This is this incredible miracle in the Christian religion and contemplating the metaphysics of actually what's going on here. And then considering given the fact that this calls into question all the silliness of worldly attachments, not to be condemnatory of the worldly things that are going to happen on this day, but but to think critically about my own worldly attachments. So I sit in prayer and I ask for grace and wisdom about my own monomanias for success or admiration or money about my own animal cravings expressed in the way that I will consume and not just being critical of what other people consume about the way that I spend my time as opposed to being judgmental about the way that other people spend their time about the hunger for attention that I have from other people. I think about my own frailty in the context of what the Christmas miracle really is according to Christian belief, which is that God taking on the frailty of a person. I mean not all of the human frailty, not sin, but the troubles of the world. This is radical solidarity and radical solidarity with me means recognizing my own frailties and doing so in the cool and peace of Christmas day before Daya. That's how I start. The second part of the protocol is I go for a walk before the sun comes up and those of you who have followed my morning protocols, that was a that episode of morning protocols got more than a million downloads. So I know that a lot of people really like that that really started with the Brahman Mahurtha which is in Sanskrit at the creator's time. And one of the things that I make a point of doing and I recommend to a lot of people is getting out without devices in the cold, in the dark, and going for a walk. I can walk. I'm fully alive as a human person and allowing myself to think and being grateful for the gift that's my life, that I'm evidence of which is that I'm walking around and fusing the physical with a metaphysical, you know, my prayer with actually my ambulation with my walking and directing my contemplation not just inward to myself but outward my gratitude toward, you know, the universe that I'm experiencing going for a walk. The third thing that I do is I get home and I like to share the feelings that I have or the feelings, the the cognitions that I'm experiencing and these first two steps with other people. And so what I do is often write a gratitude letter to my wife of course who is my spiritual guide. To other people around me all offer up prayers of gratitude for people all around me still it's still quiet nobody's up yet. And this is a gift I'm sharing gifts of gratitude that go beyond socks and sentent candles these are the things that really matter just my heart. I accompany each one of my gifts of gratitude with a silent wish to each person's life journey be a transcendent one and they get they become closer to the divine. And last but not least I think about what I can do to give to others as opposed to taking. See the problem with a lot of the abundance is this idea me me me me what I'm going to eat what I'm going to get what I'm going to experience right. But to think I'm in the days abundance about the poorest of the poor and my connection to all of mankind in Christianity and so many other traditions or some version of what in the Christian gospel is Matthew 24 2540 as you did for the least of these my brothers and sisters you did for me. And I think what does that mean today what does that actually mean today. What can I do to join people in divine love people of the margins of society people who need me people that I can actually serve what can I do more of today and thinking about the kind of service that would actually be really useful really really helpful. Those are the four steps that I do and I'm telling you by the time everybody else is up good Christmas really is. It's a Christmas that I kind of know what what happens is day it's one that I'm going to remember even without fading affect bias as one that's in my view it's what it's supposed to be if you're not a Christian or not even a believer this is something that you can use in some part of your life as well to make a day that might be a taxing day might be a hard day might be a day that you're not looking forward to into a really good day with that protocol or your version thereof. So these are the three ways that I deal with the with the with the research suggests of the three reasons that people have the holiday blues they feel disappointed they feel sad they feel annoyed those are the three ways to fix those problems whether it's on Christmas day or your birthday or any other day. Well this isn't a real long episode but still let's do a few we'll speak it a tiny bit longer with some audience questions we've got some good ones and then we'll finish up it's time for you to go eat your Christmas turkey a very camperman writes me on email thanks very how does it fix sleep schedule influence your mood and happiness throughout the working day does this have to do with the alignment of your circadian rhythm and I take this to mean that there's energy that kind of goes up and down over the course of the day and whether not sleep schedules affect that and the answer is of course yes the truth of the matter is that when your energy when your sleep when your fitness and when your diet or on point you should have pretty even energy throughout the day you're I mean you're gonna have you're gonna have ebbs and flows but but and ups and downs but you should have relatively even energy if you have radically uneven energy it's an it's the evidence that there's something you actually need to change so you might be asleep deprived if you're asleep deprived there's gonna be times during the day when you're gonna want to feel like you're falling asleep which is why when you go to the doctor to see if your sleep patterns are right they'll say you fall asleep during meetings you feel like you're gonna fall asleep when you're driving and the answer should be no to all of that and even if you're getting six and a half hours of sleep at night which is my average is six and a half hours I'm not a great sleeper I'm never sleepier over the course of the day and no small part because six and a half hours is okay but also because of the way that what I consume most notably my carbohydrates my caffeine are consumed in such a way that they actually don't give me energy spikes I have relatively even energy so go back to the morning protocols and a couple of the other earlier shows on on how to time your caffeine notably not taking your caffeine too early using it to focus as opposed to waking up making sure you're not having a huge bowl of succorbid hydrate first thing in the morning etc etc so you can even out your energy and and it's it's not going to be a question of you having weird circadian rhythms it really is a question of having your diet and exercise and fitness on point here's an anonymous email question I love this question I'm a 40 something I'm assuming he's talking talking about his age I'm a 40 something orthopedic surgeon at the top of my game good for you love it I love taking care of my patients and getting great results and I'm a spiral career type and and if those of you who watched the four types of careers that was a popular episode go back and watch it a spiral career is somebody who reinvents her or himself every seven to 12 years he says I'm a spiral career type and I'm getting bored I've always wanted to write and teach my question is how do I walk away from the patients who rely on me or a generous salary for my wife and kids to take care of them how do I do that when I know that I'm burning out on being a doctor and I think I want to do something else yeah I get it I mean life is complicated it's not just the simple is saying I'm spiraling out by honey I've decided to become a history teacher even though you know you put me all the way through medical school we've got a big mortgage and private school intuitions etc usually this means for spirals who have certain constraints is staging your spirals that means not doing everything all the once it means actually structuring what you would consider to be your leisure aka your unpaid activity not as chilling but is actually doing the thing that you actually want such that at the season of your life where it can become more of your job you can walk into it and so think about staging and using the 16 hours a day when you're not in the sack and really really creative ways that's what I recommend on that and if you want more of suggestions on that right back and I'll give you some stuff to read last but not least we got another anonymous one by email I'm single retired and female only child never married distant cousins were my only relatives I make friends easily but find many of them have moved or now we're older we're dying how do I actually get more along my life because in the seven steps or the seven secrets to happiness and old age the the most important one was number seven which is love and love for most people comes from close friendships and or close marriage and what she's telling me here is that she's never married doesn't have that one and that her close friendships are hard to maintain because of the mobility of other people and circumstances and her life the question is how do I find high level happiness again later in life is it impossible the answer no is not impossible but the question but the key thing is you have you can't let friendship find you you got to do the work is what it comes down to the best way to actually make close friends later in life circulates around common values and interests generally speaking that's in religious communities or intellectual communities or communities of particular hobbies and interests I'm most interested in things that are that are based on deep metaphysical value so if you're religious do get more involved in your religious community that's the best way that you're actually going to find people real friends that can overlap with you and with that kind of commonality you can develop friendship and hyper-speed the second thing is intellectual communities if you're not a religious person around big ideas and that's why people later in life are so interested in like book clubs and you know when they're 30 it's like dope book clubs terrible no I don't want that in 60 to like I think I want a book club what they really want is not a book club what they really want is friendship and they want to find people who think that you know the brothers caramazov is interesting like they do because that's an area of overlap that that is a shorthand for all kinds of things that can be an area of common values so that's what I that's what I suggest we're done fine for the Christmas Turkey let me know your thoughts office hours at authorbooks.com that's how you reach me or you can leave comments on any of the platforms where you're watching this we're we're looking at those like and subscribe please subscribe hit the subscribe button anywhere where you consume this podcast on Spotify YouTube and Apple so that you can get the podcast automatically and you won't forget on some beautiful Monday coming up but also because it helps the algorithm find us and so more people will watch the show and listen to the show follow me on Instagram on LinkedIn on the other platforms you'll find original content that you're not going to see here or other places and order the books that are coming out the happiness files came out last August and next March the meaning of your life comes out um lost to read it please stay in touch um I hope you'll lovely holiday however you choose to celebrate it lift other people up and bring them together the happiness that we talk about in this show might be the might be the great gift that you bring to other people this year and share holiday I'll see you next week same