Bert Kreischer (IN STUDIO): Drinking Beers & Hacking Comedy

I'm trying to live in the 140s, don't be mad. So what I do is... 140s? I f***ed 600 140. My dad was a kid. Anytime he ever saw two dudes together, he'd go, look at these two guys. And then one day, I go, do you think they're saying that about us? And he goes, oh, God, I hope not. You find out that a lot of your friends... They like you where you are. They like you where you are. Yeah. That's not getting crazy. This is the third time I've texted you. I swear to God, if you don't reply, I'm going to come to your house, inject AIDS into you and light your house on fire and kill your f***ing children. The next test, my bad, that was for my sister. All right, Dana, we had Bert Kreischer on. I think on again, right? He's been on before. It was our second time. We did it a few couple of months ago. And we did it in the studio where you're sitting for a while. Oh, yeah. Up close, personally. We all took our shirts off as an homage. No, I didn't. I was requested to keep mine on by America. Yeah, I took my shirt off and you looked over and I don't want to talk out of school, but you did faint. Is that why I fainted? Oh, yeah. You fainted and Heather kind of caught you. But anyway, let's get back to Bert Kreischer, our guest. Bert Kreischer, free Bert is the show on Netflix. We talk about everything up and down and also the casting for the show, how he got into it, what the show is about. And it looks like a fun show. I watched some of it yesterday. So I think this is kind of what people want to hear about Bert right now. You had a nice time. I had a nice time. It's always very interesting how he and Tom Sagar are friends and have their podcasts. How just smart they are, just about the way to be in show business. And Bert is very humble about it. He's kind of sheepish about his standup, but he's a great standup because he kills consistently for an hour. And he still looks pretty good with his shirt off, I'll say. Yeah, he's one of those guys that doesn't look super gross with his shirt off. Some people see the shirt off and you go, that's not fair. That's not fair to us. It's still fairly solid. But if you jump up and down on the stage and then there's movement for a long time, that's when you put the shirt on. The thing that surprised me about this podcast was he went pantless as well, which you don't see that. But he's got incredibly strong legs. Well, see for yourself, here we go guys, Bert Kreischer. Which ones? It's a good start. You name it. Are we recording? Always recording productions. You're a cocktail of Mr. Kreischer. Take my BPC 157 before I go to bed. What's that one? Monjaro, I'm on testosterone, I'm on metformin. I'm on everything. Oh good, Monjaro. Monjaro is. Not zip bound. I think that's what it is, right? Is that, I don't know. Or do it's like the Tres Epitide. Is it like the commercial? Oh, do they show you throwing up and shitting blood? No. We're all supposed to be microdosing it, so. I'm microdosing it. You're microdosing, okay. Monjaro. What's it doing for you? Is it depressing? It takes your sparkle away. Okay. Well, does it take away your appetite? Is that the message? The thing that drives you? Yeah, I think it drives life. So everything that's fun goes away, it's incredible. It's cheap too. It turns into a dial tone. It's a kind of dystopian thing. You lose the weight, but you got no joy in life. It's kind of a, what you call it. And a classic trade off. When does this Monjaro kick in? I think it's second hour of this podcast. Yeah. Well obviously we're both on it. Yeah, you guys are. What is it like, you're gonna eat your entire life in the Taco Bell every minute? I really, I can't anymore, but I will tell you. What do you mean you can't anymore? For a while. Taco Bell. I do get skinny fat, and that's no good. A lot of whispers. Dennis Miller used to call it a cash register, because he goes, Spudley, I'm getting a fucking cash register here, I got NCRitis. I got spilcus in my milk. So we can't be, but Dana's always been pretty straight. But it's all calculated. I, for a small frame, won 28 in high school. You know, I was 165. That's a high average. So what I started to do, because I never weighed myself, and I did Blue Thunder with James Farentino, look it up, first time around catering for six months. Yes. I bought that at 7-Eleven. Throwing joke, go ahead. This is good, this is why we work. I'm on a, tell the story. No, but anyway, so then I gained 20 pounds. So after that, I just weighed myself every day. So, that's the key, you gotta weigh yourself every day. That's because if you don't, that's when you can't weight. It gets away from you. So I'm trying to live in the 140s, don't be mad. So what I do is. 140s, I fuck chicks under 140. I got stools away 140 over here, you know. So what I do is I step on a digital scale, I don't punish myself. If I wanna go on vacation or party, I'll bring it down a little bit. So I just, you know why? Cowardice, I don't wanna wake up and go, I gotta fucking lose 30 pounds. Terrified of that. It's the worst. So just maintenance. We'll talk after the podcast. This is a little deep for, you know. For guys like me. I did the same thing and it sounds crazy, but with like drugs like in 90s, 2000 where I would take some and people go, just be careful, you don't get addicted. So I would keep drinking and drugs sort of in check because I always knew I'd have to come back to zero because you're never gonna, you're not gonna stay in the show, but it's that long. I'm not talented enough to stay that long if you've been in a problem. So you go up and you go, oh, I took a vitamin today. And then you go, my friend takes six a day, he's fucked up all the time, it's great. And I'm like, I know, but then I gotta go backwards. I can't, you know, if you, you can always quit a little bit. It's a little easier, but if you're the more, I mean, you drink probably more than drug thing, but I used to drink a little more than I do now. And then I had to slowly reel it in. It was never super horrible, but it is, it's easier to come back to zero if you're not too far away. Bert? I've always, I'm always shocked when people have like a real drinking problem. Like I'm always blown away by like, cause I drink a lot, I'm a big drinker, but like when you see someone who's like shaking and then just getting into their mouth and you're like, whoa. Right, like it's been an hour and they need something. Yeah, you're like, that can happen. Yeah. And like that, cause I've never, or like this people that can't quit drinking, they gotta go into detox. That's always shocking for me. So can you do like two weeks hard and then you take 10 days, you just don't really drink? Yeah. Or you know, I do, I'm healthier on the road. I sounds crazy because I won't drink until, for me it's about the witching hour. Like if I'm at home and then sun starts setting, I go, hey, let's open a bottle of rose. What are we doing? We're getting married. But if I'm on the road, I won't have my first drink until like 9.30. Cause I don't, I don't, I got it. That's what I'm done. And if I'm doing theaters and you do two at night, I won't drink until 12.30. So you do two shows a night? If I do a theater. Yeah. Look at that. Look at that. That's big money. I couldn't do it. Okay. I wanna give you one little last health thing we can move on to your career and stuff. The solution to pollution is dilution. Whoa. You talking about water? Yeah. So if you're gonna drink, so before you start drinking. Yes. Before you crack that first beer or whatever. Yeah. For sunset, you have 16 ounces of water. Yeah. Yeah. It's all diluted. Your whole, all your organs. Kidneys, yeah, before and then during throw party. The effects of alcohol will be diluted and the taxiness on your body. Oh, really? So the solution to pollution is dilution. So water, water, water. That should be a fucking shirt. What I do is I take, I wish I had a picture of it. I take liquid deaths and I put them all on my headboard. I line my whole headboard up with liquid deaths. Okay, so you know you always have to. And then right before I go to bed, I murder four. I murder four. I go right in it, but you have to get up a lot. I pay up it. Then every time I have to pee, I murder one. So I pee throughout the night. I wake up probably like four times a night, which is fine, which is fine. It's kind of nice to wake up at two and go, oh, it's only two. It's better than being dehydrated. It's better to wake up because you drank so much water. And then what I do is I take them. This is my favorite part, is I throw them in the air like a king. Wherever they land. Wherever they land. Ding, ding, ding, ding. So I was doing this TV show. God, I wanna be you in my next life. I was doing this TV show, Free Bert, and we were in Atlanta. We were in the fourth down in Atlanta, a beautiful hotel. My wife and I had our own rooms. It was so great. And then every night I have all my liquid desks up on thing and I throw them in the air. And I throw them in the air. The last day of shooting, our director, we were like, hey, did you like the hotel? And he's like, yeah. But there's this guy in the middle of the night just moving furniture or chains. Oh my God, and it was you. I go, what room are you in? He goes, 311. I go, I'm in 411. I go, can I show you what I do? And I brought him up to my room. The floor is covered in cans. And he's like, I couldn't sleep all fucking month. Oh my God. He's so weird the next night. You're like, oh, this could be so great. In like 2001, the ape throws the phone. Oh, my friend. Fuck. So I do need my little solution to understand. Oh, but I love, I'm a big proponent. I didn't start drinking water. This sounds crazy. And I know that sounds like a plug for liquid death. I didn't start drinking water until liquid death because of the delivery system. Everything's about delivery systems in life. Like even comedy these days, the delivery system, I think comedy got so broad and so popular because the delivery system got so accessible. Meaning, you know, like the delivery system for Nic team was cigarettes for so long or chewing tobacco. And it turned people off because it was gross. The second it turned into zins, everyone's like chicks are doing it. Something's cool, yeah. So what's the new delivery system for comedy? TikTok, Instagram, podcasts. It's not just go, when you guys started, the only delivery system for comedy was either even if you improv, Carson, or going to an actual comedy club. Small club, yeah. Now the delivery system is Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Netflix, HBO Max, comedy clubs, theaters. I mean, comedy's everywhere now. So which is the biggest one for you? If you had to pick one social media site to post up on. I'm only paying attention to Instagram. I have a TikTok, but I don't touch it. My team runs it. I have a YouTube, I've never on YouTube. I'm on YouTube. My algorithm on YouTube is like, said the thing I watched the most was about wars and documentaries on history. Oh, that's not mine. What's your algorithm? His is porn. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. That was that joke. He's kinda, he's kinda watching all of them guys. No, I, by the way, is Instagram turning into the new Facebook? That's what I'm worried about because Facebook is for old people. I guess we're old, but not you. We're the same age. Are we? Yeah, 33. Oh, okay. I was thinking about driving over. I go, I kinda grew up with you. I grew up with you, but you're younger than my dad. You're like an older, older brother. Right. No, I'm, yeah, I probably. You're 70, I think. Yeah, yeah. And then, but I, I grew up with you. He's gotta be 53. Yeah, 53. Yeah, he's 53. How old's Segura? I don't know, like 49, 47. He looks older than me. That's pretty good, man. This guy's happy right now. Why can't you stop smiling? Because I'm 54. Your new nickname is 53. Look at that fucking watch, by the way. Is it a Rolly? Yeah. So you're like, you know, swatches are coming back though. I don't like to flaunt. Do you have security with that watch? You mean in LA? So I'm gonna be very honest. Good. I had a, I had an identity crisis at a certain point in my career when I started making money and I watched all my friends that were making money, not change, I don't wanna say change, but become rich people. They started flying planes and driving race cars and buying cars and buying houses. And like they'd buy houses that were furnished. I was like, what? Like. Oh, can you do that? Yeah, they'd be like, we'll take it, keep the furniture. Oh, keep the like staging furniture. Yeah, and so, and I was still the same, like just wearing t-shirts and jeans and flip flops, wearing hats. I wasn't spending my money on anything. I didn't care, I don't really care about cars. And one day I was sitting with a group of my friends and everyone had Rolexes on. And they were telling stories about buying each other Rolexes for gifts. And I was like, I don't know if I can roll X. And I was like, I should get a Rolex. I gotta act like a grownup. So I got my first Rolex and I loved it. I loved it. I would look at it. It was a Submariner. I got it in Vegas and I would look at it and would cheer me up. And then I became a little bit of a watch guy, but I'm also not cause I only buy Rolexes. So I don't know anything about watches. But you're kind of tan. You got a good, thick arm, big watch. I think that's cooler. I think then a little, like there's different ways. I think the way people always want to show a little money when the basketball players walk in and the full players walk in the beginning. And it used to be just through the tunnel, but now it's a full-fashioned show. And they have like a little purse and they have like a skirt on. And you go, what happened? What's going on? Do you remember when they were like, they were dressing up almost like gay guys? Like, do you remember Dwayne Wayne were dressing up gay? Like he was like tight, tight pants like this. And you're like, I know what I don't know. I think they were just dressing. You know? I guess technically I'm dressed like a gay guy. I'm sure there's a guy a gay guy wearing what I'm wearing. You're like, My dad used to say that when I'm... No, you're a guy acting like you're not gay. You're like, look, I look like Burke Kreischer. I have my dad when I was a kid. And he told me I ever saw two dudes together. He was like, look at these two gay guys. And then one day I go, do you think they're saying that about us? And he goes, oh God, I hope not. You know, he goes like, yeah. Every time I go to the airport, I go look at all these Burke Kreischer's here. And when I was at the Barrett Jackson car show, I go, it's full of Burke Kreischer's. Cause it's like out of the beard and they got a hat and they're walking through. Oh, you go to my show and everyone looks like me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can almost, you know, it's crazy. I can tell a fan of mine as they're walking towards me. I'm like, this guy's gonna about to lose his shit. It's a mirror. Hey! But what's crazy is I went to Paris and I would see guys that would be fans of mine, but they didn't know me. And I wanted to go, hey, can I turn you on to something I think you're gonna love. My whole career. Hey, I think you're gonna like this because they'd have beers, they'd be big fat guys drinking beers at a bar. But you're still Netflix stuff. Do you go overseas and do people know you? Cause I would, I was always wondering cause I don't go overseas. Yeah, we do, I do Netherlands. Oh, you do, do shows? Oh yeah, yeah. I do a European tour. I do one for this tour for permission of party. We do London, you know, all of Europe, all of the UK, Ireland, Ireland's the craziest. Oh, got it. With the Guinness and the drinking. I mean, it was, I think it's the O2 arena is what it's called. It's not the same thing. In Dublin? In Dublin. Their version of the O2. And they ran the show. The Irish ran the show. Like I got on stage with a Guinness and I held it up in there. And they start going, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. And so I would start to drink and they go, ah, ah, ah, ah. And then I'd be in the middle of a joke and then you hear, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, and another big one. They, I got wasted on stage and they are the ones who basically orchestrated the show. It was, now same, same show, Tom Segura goes and was a livid. Oh yeah. When I was there, they were going, that's kind of, really. He's gay, he's gay, he's gay, he's gay. I'm like, me? Yeah, you're the only guy up there, dude. Oh. Ready to launch your business? Get started with the commerce platform made for entrepreneurs. Shopify is specially designed to help you start, run and grow your business with easy customizable themes that let you build your brand, marketing tools that get your products out there, integrated shipping solutions that actually save you time from startups to scale ups online, in person, and on the go. Shopify is made for entrepreneurs like you. Sign up for your $1 a month trial at Shopify.com slash setup. When you drink on stage like that, do you get pressure? I remember, well, even Farley, when he was everywhere, we'd go just walk by someone and they'd go, hey, sit down, I'm drinking with a say. Everyone's pulling, even if he's 100% rehab, they want to be the guy that either broke his rehab or got drunk, so no one gives a fat fuck if he's in rehab. They're like, no, come on, man, just one, we'll do shots, we'll buy, and he was such a people pleaser, he would do them. So you must get people, A, want to drink with you when you're just out, and B, on stage, do they send you drinks? Do you have to drink on stage every time? Well, I won't drink anything that's sent to me now. Oh, right, it is weird. But I always have a drink with me on stage. I usually bring a coffee and a porosos and soda on stage, but I won't touch the cocktail until I start the machine store at the end of the show. Oh, okay. And so, because I'm working on something, it's like, you know, it's like- It is hard, you have to have a sharp, clear head. When I did clubs, they were, they would send drinks nonstop. And my thing, when I was doing clubs, I never had, I never felt like I had job security. You know, I never really sold tickets until like later. And so, back in the day, if they sent drinks, I knew that that would get them drinking, and I knew, David Tell one time told me, he goes, where were you? And I said, last stop in Houston. He goes, how are the bar sales? And I went, Yeah, that's the part you don't think of. You look at that. Yeah, he goes, I don't know. And he goes, let me tell you something about Houston. That guy doesn't know comedy. But what he does do is he checks the bar tabs every night. And if your bar sales are bigger than the next guys, you're definitely coming back. Yeah, that's smart. So I would bring six pack of Ionikins on stage when I did clubs, I'd bring a six pack, and I'd drink, and I'd do shots, and then what I, this was the key. This was like, job security 101. I was in Chicago, and I was at Tony Baldino Club, in the Schomburg, and I said, you know, do you make money if I bring people at the bar after and stick around and drink? And he goes, oh yeah. So I started telling people, hey, after the show, don't leave. We're gonna drink at the bar. I'll do a meet and greet, we can hang out when you take pictures. Very smart. And then I would say, and then I started coming up with gambling games. Where I'd go, all right, game of chance. We got a ball, first person to put it into the trash can from across the room. It's a $20 buy-in, $1 rebies, let's go. And like, 100 guys would stay. The pot would be $2,000. In the bar? In the bar. After the show. And we'd stay until four in the morning. The second I did that, it was like comedy clubs were dying to have me. And then I did, I mean, this was all like, I gotta be honest, it was a workaround, cause I was so insecure that I wasn't as good as like a Bill Burr or a David Tell or a David Spade or a Dana Carvey. I was always like, cause I took my shirt off. I'm a party guy. I would do this thing called the waitstaff raffle. I mean, clubs fucking loved me. I would take, I would say at the end of the show, I'd say, I'm gonna pass around a hat, whatever change you have, throw it in, dollar, $20, whatever. And then we're gonna pick one name out of the waitstaff. I'm gonna give that person the money, cause it's gonna change your lives. The first person we did it to, the girl who was in Jersey, cause I got like a $100 bonus. And I was like, I can give it 10 bucks to everyone or just give a hundred to one. So I put a hundred in, we collect $633 on one show, then the first time I did it, and the girl comes up and she starts crying, and she's pregnant, and she goes, I get to buy the good car seat now. And everyone's like, oh my God, I got the best one. This was the best one. So we're in. She said, I get to have the baby now. We're in Lexington, Kentucky. Now, stereotypically, never wanted a black dude to win because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because they didn't show emotion. You wanted the person to receive the thing. No, black guys were always like, cool. One guy was like, I'm gonna get sneakers. And you're like, no, we feel like we wasted our money. We gotta cast the winner. Who goes the most crazy? You wanted a black chick to win, always. They always would, oh, they had, they could, and then, then you go white chick, or any ethnicity, then white chick, then white dude, last was a black dude. You never wanted a black dude to win. Shit. So this guy, I wish I could remember his name. I'm not gonna guess. He went, and this is a guess. I think I know. Laverne is or something. Yeah. No. He, I pull his name, Kevin, I think. I don't think his name is Kevin. I pull his name and he comes up and he's like this. He's like, cool. Okay. And I was, it was like $700. And I go, so what are you gonna spend the money on? He's like, I'm good, man. And I was like, what are you gonna spend the money on? And I go, you seem emotional. Ooh. He starts to tear up and I see it in his eye and he goes, next week is my little girl's birthday. And now I get to be the father she thinks I am. Cute. I start crying. He goes, she wanted a party. I couldn't throw a party. No, I could throw a party. And I could buy her a present. And I was like, and everyone started opening their wallets and walking up and giving him money. And he's sobbing, I'm sobbing, the whole room sobbing. I'm like, wow, I tell that, right? I tell that to the wait staff the next place. I'm in Pittsburgh. Guy wins. He comes up on stage and he's crying. And I go, you seem emotional. He goes, my son has cancer. And I'm like, oh my God. It was this Christmas. It's gonna be hard on our family. Now I can bring my family in so they can all spend his last Christmas together. And we're like, holy sh, everyone comes up. Guy walks with like three grand. I get done, the show, he comes in the green room. And the Oscar goes to, I don't know if you're a fox. Oh my God, what a day. I mean, then I stopped doing it. I was like, I can't do this, this sucks. But yeah, the black dude was the best. The black dude was the best. I almost gave him money. The Oscar. I'm kind of, I'm God's man. I don't know, Vinny's stand up that has done this. That's fascinating. I looked, I was like, Anybody, there was any opportunity to do it. I mean, do anything to help. Maybe. Just helps the show. It was like, I don't know. You always try to tip the wait staff big. Sure, sure, sure. So like, I don't know. I also, I think once, and then, you know, this was, I think I always had insecurity about my stand up. Cause I didn't know why people were coming to see me. You know? Like I was like, like I know I'm a good storyteller and I know I'm a good comic. I was always fun on stage, but like, like I never got nominated for a Golden Globe or like an Emmy or any of that shit for my stand up. And I always thought my specials are good. They track well, they do well on Netflix. But I mean, they get big numbers. But even when I say that, I kind of cheat coded the system. Like I heard two people saying that people only watched 30 minutes of their special. And then Netflix said they only watched first 30 minutes. That's why we're doing 30 minutes. If that, at the most. So on secret time, I took my closer and I put it at 22 minutes. I was like, if they're not gonna, I'm not gonna put my best joke at the end where no one hears it. When you're not watching. Yeah, when you're not watching. So true, so true. And then I took everything and I front loaded it. In secret time, the first 30 minutes go by so quick. Cause it's, I skin eat everything up, crammed it up. And then it turns out people like Robbie Caldney was like your retention rate was like 97%. 97% of the people that watched your special watched the whole fucking thing. And I was like, oh yeah. Cause they're locked in. Next time I go, I cheat coded it. I put my closer at 22 and he was like, what? Yeah. Cause it is, when I went into the InterSanct and with Netflix they gave me that metric. And I go, I would have done the whole thing different. Because it's like you're doing a set. And if you're not holding them, the audience is slowly starting to leave. Say you're in a big room, they're leaving. And you gotta get to this certain, you know, time where they're still there. So you would reorientate. I don't know. I'm gonna call that clever, smart. I don't know what do you call that mindset that you have to go curiosity about how to hack things or how to win basically, right? I think, I've gotten compliments from business people on the way I've done my career. But you know, you always wanna be, you know, Sandler who doesn't look like he tries. Doesn't look like he tries, never stops working. Yeah. Like you wanna be like, and beloved by everyone. Everything he does is the best thing anyone's ever fucking seen. You know, like you wanna be like a tell, not, I mean, or Chappelle, they're just geniuses. For me, I was like, I think I gotta do a little extra to get to genius. I'll give you a perfect example. I put my tour, I put my first like big tour on sale in theaters and they were like, and like I fucking, agents calling me, I mean, people we know, you're wrong. Not my agent, but you're wrong. You're not ready for theaters. You're gonna ruin your career. And I was terrified. So I took $1,200 and I did a dance video. And I got this professional dancer to teach me a dance and I did a dance video and then I released my tour days on the side and I started promoting my, I started promoting myself. So you're dancing in the margin of the video and the things are coming down. And what are you doing, Dan? What are you wearing? What are you, is it just? Speedo, high tops. Okay, high tops. So it's a little bit, Chris Farley vibes in a way. Oh yeah, I did promo videos. I never thought I could just put tickets on sale. I thought you got, I got a, I got a, I got a marching band. I paid a marching band like $2,400 to come to my backyard and play rubber band man to do a promo. Great song. That's the only song they all knew. It's a tow tapper. I had no plans. I just brought him over. I was like, I was like, do you guys know a song? And they're like, what do you guys know? And then one guy goes, I know rubber band man. And everyone goes, I know rubber band man. I was like, cool. So I sat him around my pool. I was in my, it looked like a regular promo read and I was like, I got a big announcement and I blow a whistle and then the drum guy comes out behind me from my, from my like, in my backyard. And then I revealed a band and we start dancing. But like, I always, I guess you could call it smart. I know that I've had companies come to me to use that side of my brain. But I was, I mean, I just, you know, I always felt like I was cheap coding it. Yeah, yeah, you're trying to kick that. When you were playing the Santa Barbara Bowl, I saw a flyer and it did, the flyer, it, I don't know, it was guest stars or whatever, felt like an event and a party and more than a regular, just one guy with a mic talking. You know? So it's like, Like Nitro Circus used to be with Travis. Yeah. Like, it's like, oh, this is an event more than just let's just go watch stand up. Like, it's like, I tried to get you to do the fully loaded with me. The bus story, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And it, and what it was is, it's, you know, it was a heavy lift for me because I, I have all these great comics. I mean, you look at the list of comics that have done fully loaded. It's the best comics in the world. Shane Gillis, Big J. O'Grace and Stavi. I mean, it's the best comics in the world. And, and I, I did some crazy, crazy, man, we were the first people to ever do stand up for the Gorge, 35,000 people. I mean, it was crazy. It was crazy. And I loved the challenge. I loved the heavy lift. I loved the, you know, jelly roll came out and tore with us. We had Marcus King. We had, I mean, it's just wild, wild events. And then, but I didn't realize like, and I was so ambitious and so proud of my ambition and what I could do that I didn't realize how many comics I was alienating, like, cause not everyone was invited. And I, one night I was, we were doing the tennis arena in, in where they used to hold the U.S. Open in Long Island. They have, it's a stage, it's an outdoor venue. It's beautiful. And someone came up to me and they said, why did you do this? Like, can you believe you did this? And I said, yeah, I can't believe. And they go, what do you mean? And I said, well, I did it because I don't think I would have ever been invited to do it. Like no one was gonna, I never got invited to Montreal or Aspen or, I never got, I never got on the, the odd ball, I never got invited to do that. Odd ball tour, is that such a no? I've never done, I've never done, I've never been invited to do anything, ever, ever. Like that's a, like that's crazy. I've been successful for 27 years and I've never been invited to do anything. So I just had to create them to do them. And then as I said that I realized, oh my God, I am doing two other comics, what we've done to me. Yeah, that's just the way it is. Are you, do you still feel like you're the underdog that's just part of your brain? I never feel, yeah, yeah, I think that's the thing that drives me, I have a very punitive brain. Do better Bert, do better Bert. Oh yeah, like in puny? Puny, yeah, probably. Like I'm just very rough on myself. Like this morning I was like, this morning I got up, I partied last night, smoked a cigar, watched the new Sandler George Clooney movie, which is fucking amazing. All right, Kelly. It's so, it's so fucking good, it shouldn't be that good. Those two on the cover, you're like, as a viewer you're like, these two guys phoned it in. They wanted to spend time together, they both wanted to go to Rome, spend some time with their families, bring the boys out, play a little golf. It's so fucking good. It's George Clooney brought his fucking A game. Like, I'm not saying that he hasn't always, but he, you know, sometimes. Great director too. Well you get, Noah Birnbaum. Yeah, I know, and Adam and Clooney probably get the pick of the litter of all of scripts. So especially each one does and then put them together. So. Yeah, great. But sometimes that doesn't work. When I saw this trailer, I thought, yeah, they're in the pocket. And I saw like 10 seconds. He's already up for a work. I literally, you know, you sit back and you're like, I saw the Clooney, Brad Pitt one. Oh, Wolfs. Yeah, it was okay. It was good, it was funny, but I had him like, yo, you Brad Pitt and George Clooney. Yeah. Come on. It did the bars. Well, I couldn't, with Wolf, I wasn't quite sure, they're just cool dudes and there's a crime. This one is very specific, you know? Just like he's an old, you know, and Clooney playing a version of himself in a way. And then Sandler being the manager, I just saw immediately, because that's part of Sandler's personality. Different move for Sandler. Of like, how you doing, man? How you doing? Yeah. You all right, Carvey? You know, it's kind of, and I don't know. I've only creeped him out. You've only creeped him out? Yeah. Where you came up to him or something? Oh, that thing. You called me the next day, and you're like, because I was worried about it. It's like, it was during the pandemic, and I did that interview and I was like. Yes. I called his movie, movie Beautiful Gems or something. Yeah. Yeah, I remember that. You showed me that video. I was like, I showed my daughter's Happy Madison the other day and he was like, did you? I was like, they loved it. He was like. Oh, Happy Gilmore? Yeah, yeah. I called it Happy Madison. And then I was like, hey, do you have Netflix? She's like, I have a $250 million deal now. He didn't say that, but that's in hindsight. Yeah. Sandler is, well, I, he's the best out, he would hold that against you. I don't think so. I don't think he remembers it. He's going a million miles. Yeah, anytime it's an unintentional thing, it's fine, like anybody. I think you're not after him, plus your comics, he likes that. Yeah. So you got rich and famous. Yeah. Okay, at a given point, then that was just for sure. Bird is rich, Bird is famous. How does it affect relationships with people? Oh, that's a great question. Ooh. I realized not everyone was rooting for him. He's pulling for you, yeah. We all find that all along the way. You find out that a lot of your friends. They like you where you are. They like you where you are. Yeah. Let's not get crazy. Don't go nuts on her. That's quite enough. That's quite enough. How did that manifest itself? Just a little sly things, little digs kind of backstage. Oh yeah. Or whatever. Oh, it was like, it was crazy. It was, yeah, it was crazy. I don't know the right way to say it without bringing up old dramas. Oh. But like it was tough. Is it old comic shows? Just curious friends or family? Everyone, I mean, family. Family, family stuff. Oh, my family all didn't, was disconnected. I don't think they had any idea what was happening. Rogan and Tom were the two people that were like cheering for me. They were like legit. Yeah, that makes sense. Rogan would be like, he was like, dude, you're not here by mistake. And he's like, you've earned this. It's good to hear. You know? But yeah, I realized there were a lot of people that liked me when I was below them and they didn't like me when I blew up. And the lesson I learned was, because dude, I broke ticket sales. I broke a lot of people's ticket sales. And I thought they would be like, hey, cool. Yeah, they didn't like it. Didn't like it. I could see that one coming. Yeah, and then what's interesting is, I got a call one day from Shane Gillis and he was like, hey, do you remember when we worked at the celebrity arena in Arizona? And I said, yeah, he goes, you did the record beer sales. And I said, yeah, and he goes, guess who just broke it? And at that moment I went, oh, I need to be what I always wanted everyone for me. And I was like, dude, fucking, you're the man. And for Shane, he's doing Lincoln Financial, the day I heard about it, I text him. I want everyone to succeed. I don't care. I have no competition in me. I literally, my competition's within myself. And what can I do? It is my race and no one can affect me other than me. And I can be inspired by Shane does, like tires, fucking, I loved tires. When I got green lift for free bird, I called Shane and I was like, dude, I'm nervous. He's like, dude, you're gonna kill it. And I was like, I may lean on you a little bit in production of like shit, cause I don't know. And when Tommy's Bad Ideas came out, Bad Thoughts came out. Oh yeah, Tom, sure. Fucking loved it. And I called Tommy, I go, this looks amazing. You can, he's a great actor. So yeah, I think the pullback, the takeaway was, I was bummed that not everyone loved me the way I wanted them to love me. So I just loved everyone as they succeeded. Yeah. It is hard. I mean, it's a jealous business and personal starters. My family was always cool about it, but there's people on the outside are friends or sort of friends. Yeah, you have to forgive the 10 year old boy inside you. Yeah. Just a little like, like toy story. There's a new shiny object in town. And I've always said this, that the reason there's a class clown, he was a class clown, they were a class clown. It's never plural. Cause if there were two class clowns, one class clown would kill the other class clown. So this is just childlike drive. And you just sort of put it in your head and go, oh, silly me. But your attitude is perfect. Yeah, just. I heard you say one time, or maybe I read something you said, when you said something to the effect of, you had friends who were terrified of losing heat or something. In fact, it was something, someone asked you, why aren't you doing more movies? And you're like, why don't, I don't need it. Or I forget what you said, but maybe I'll just ask you, like when you stopped, you were like, I'm done. I'm gonna hang out with my family. Like, did you have friends that were like, I don't wanna lose the heat. I don't wanna lose the heat. Oh, like my friend being a huge star. Oh yeah, that's a definite thing of worry, of comedians or entertainers or anybody that I'm less hot. Yeah. And Lorne Michaels quote was, the minute you're hot, you can feel yourself getting less hot. Gross. But I swear to God, I'm from the other era of romance, and in some ways it's hurt me. You know, I was, you know, Bob Dylan and the Beatles, and it's all about the work. It's all about the work. And we were not allowed to do any commercials when I was on SNL. It's hard to make other money. And even in the 90s, I turned down at least a hundred million in commercials, just like you're not supposed to. It's artistic. Oh yeah, we're closed now. It's not about being hot or famous or wealthy. It's about doing work that destroys people. It's very naive, and I regret all of it. My dad, my dad this Thanksgiving, my dad this Thanksgiving, he couldn't stop talking about Pete Davidson. He's in love with Pete Davidson. Your dad, okay. And he's like, this guy, Bert, did you see him on Seth Meyers? He looks great first of all, sober, sober. He was getting all, this is my dad. He's getting all his tattoos, that's removed. And I was like, really? And I go, do you like his standup? He goes, he does standup? I go, what are you, where did you find him for? I love his Capital One commercials. And I was like, for real? He goes, the guy's fucking good. You know he dated Kim Korn. My dad's a fan, a fan. If he met Pete Davidson, the same way my dad loves Bill Burr. He loves him. Yeah, for sure. Look at that. And my dad, he loves Rogan. When he met Rogan, he was like, he's so jacked. My dad's like an old school, 1950s celebrity guy. Like he likes, if he's seen you on something, he can't believe that he pulls you aside. Rogan's not as tall as I thought he'd be. You're like, yeah, don't bring that up, dad. It's not, it's fun when you, someone like that's a fan of everybody. It's like, that's exactly what you want someone to be like. Yeah. It's like, this is like, I didn't bring my assistant today. So I was like, I love you guys. This is like a treat for me. Yeah, anytime it's comics here, it's easier and fun and not as much prep. I'll tell you a quick thing when I was in my high school reunion. One story was a guy was, well, Julie Bowen was back in town when we were dating and she goes, do you want me to go with you? And I said, let's just, yeah, it'll be funny. So we walked in and we wore a tie. We said, oh, let's write Ben and JLo. So we walk in and the first guy, he goes, you think you're fucking Ben Affleck? And I go, all right, well, this wasn't a great idea. And then the night before the party, I was with like seven guys I was pretty tight with and we're all getting in a car to go to another bar the night before the thing. And it was, it was probably the 10 year reunion. And one guy kind of stayed behind like this. And he's all fucked up. And he goes, I go, hey, you coming? Let's go. And he goes, all these people are like, oh, David Spade, he must have been so funny. I'm like, he wasn't funny. He's a fucking kind of an idiot. And I go, all right, I'm gonna get in the car if you guys want to meet there. And he just sat there and I was like, he couldn't wait to just say, fuck you. And the other guys were all cool. And, you know, and those scenarios are kind of weird because you don't want to act like you're trying to big time because they do wear nine watches. And they're all Rolexes. And I go, this is just what fucking people do. One time I did, I did have a leather jacket and I went back to my own comedy club and it was $400. It was the most I've ever spent. And it looked like Fonzie. It was actually more like a dice one. And I thought it was so cool and it was too big and it was too heavy and I have a bad neck. And so I'm sort of hunched over and it's hurting me, but I have to be cool. So I walk in, I'm like, I'm gonna say it. And everyone's like, nice jacket, dipshit. I'm like, everyone's changed. And yeah, I changed. And it was the only time that the guy changed. And I was blaming everyone. I go, everyone's so weird. They can't deal with a $400 jacket. Everyone's like, shut up. It was kind of funny. I was just in high school. I was just, no girls, nothing. We were in the track team and I knew like three people, 550 in my senior class, 10 at the, I didn't go. So it's the 20th and I'm at my peak. Wayne's world's out. Everything's crazy. So I just kind of half joking. They got in contact and I go, I just, I want a helicopter and I want to come in on the helicopter and come off. The helicopter. I was kind of kidding, but sort of. So, but I ended up not going and I found out that they hired someone to dress up as Garth. And then they're all in the gym and hey, look, Wayne's world, Garth is here. And he did a little dance and stuff. That was for my 20th, but I wasn't there. Oh, that would be fucking weird. I really joking, you said that. I was like, I was doing so good last year. I went to other people's high school unions. That's fun. Just for adoration. The thing I love about our job is like just coming up with the dumbest fucking thing. And I was going to do this bit. I found, you know, Q-tips coming that blue little thing. I was going to pull it out in the middle and just start cleaning my ears. Cause people do that with toothpicks all the time. And then go, oh, do you want? But I don't know why. I just love the idea that there's no, it's my friends don't have that. My friends are married to a bunch of rules. It's, I can't text with like my old high school friends because I don't know, there's not the freedom. Like I don't know, it's like, I think when you're untethered to society and you can text wild shit to people, like you can't do that with everyone. Oh, I have someone tell me to tone it down. Yeah. Cause I say like we talked in high school and they're like, dude, fuck, I got the kids here. And they're like, are they reading your phone? Just don't read it out loud. What are you, you can handle this. You can handle it. I've been on text changer email change. They go sideways. They're going, I mean, you know, they're going really downtown. Really like if this gets out, I'm in trouble. Yeah. Oh. Get off the chain. But I get it when someone says the most foul thing you're not supposed to say. The joke is, is that they're saying it. You know, it's like dead baby jokes in the olden times. Todd Glass is the best. Have you ever? Yeah. My texts from Todd Glass are my favorite texts. Yeah. Cause they would be, I cannot tell you. Hey, this is the third time I've texted you. I swear to God, if you don't reply, I'm going to come to your house, inject AIDS into you and light your house on fire and kill your fucking children. The next test, my bad. That was for my sister. Good. Yeah. He does leave good voice. Do you know he did last podcast? No. First of all, Todd Glass is the funniest man alive. Todd Glass and Mike Gibbons. You know Mike Gibbons. I know. Mike Gibbons made me laugh yesterday harder than anyone's made me laugh. I was talking about how Frank. How Frankenstein was a really long movie. The new one. The new one. Have you seen it? No. Okay. And he goes, yeah. And you gotta watch the movie. But he goes, the first 10 minutes is great. Frankenstein's coming after Victor and then Victor gets on this boat and then tells a fucking two hour story about his childhood. And he's like, what is the captain doing? Talk about the fucking monster. What about the monster? But Todd Glass came to my house. Todd Glass came to my house. And he, first and foremost, he orchestrates your, like you're not having a podcast with him. He is running a podcast. He brings a lantern, an oil filled lantern. He lights it, lowers the lights, burns the pine cones so it feels like we're camping. Lights are dark, has the, my assistant hit the lights every now and then. So it feels like lightning. Turns the TV into a window. So we're looking at, so he does the whole thing like we're camping. Yeah, he comes and stages it. And at the end I say, if you want anything, edit it out. Let me know. And he goes, I'm gonna want things edited in. And then sent a list of things he wanted edited in. Can you edit this in? To my fucking pot. No one watched it. No one watched the podcast. Because we didn't talk about fucking politics. But God damn it was so funny. Yeah, Todd did the, we'd go on the road together. And he would go, and we'd get to the green room. And he goes, and one was an example as you just talked about, what's outside of Chicago, Schomburg, great club. And he goes, he goes, do you like it? We walk in, he goes, I want you to see the green room. And I go, oh, and I go, yeah, couch chair. He goes, David, there was a fan back there. And I go, where is it? And he goes, well, I came before the show and set this whole, this is me. And I go, you fixed up the green room? And he goes, there was like a rusty, it's just a bad look. And then dim the lights, they weren't on dimmers. So we got a little bit, and he did the whole thing. And I go, Todd, I swear to God, I would not have noticed one thing. I'm glad you did it. No, this is a green room, we don't expect miracles. And then he does the same thing. Anything he does with me, he goes, call my phone. When he had a podcast, I don't know if he still does. He was one of the first. He was one of the first. It's the hardest I've ever laughed. It's the middle of a Scoville. Re-enacting the Red Fox intro with Billy Crystal. You ever heard that? Hold on, you had to refer to this. That's one. Is that one? Hold on, you know that, so, hold on. I can't believe I'm telling you this story. So Billy Crystal is young and he's opening for Red Fox. And they're invading. I didn't think I, this is a good start. Okay, I didn't think I heard, but I wanna hear it. And he goes, they go, listen, Red's gambling and he's drinking, so we might be running late. You're gonna need to stretch. If we need you, we'll let you know. So Billy Crystal does, it's 10 minutes, looks to the side, they're like, stretch. So he does 20 minutes and they're like, stretch. At 45 minutes, they're still like, stretch. And he's like, people are getting up and leaving. Then an hour and 15, there's maybe, from the crowd of 600, there's 135 people. Maybe 75 people in there. And he looks to the side and an hour, a few days later, he's here, wrap it up. So he's like, all right, ladies and gentlemen, the man of the hour, the man you've been waiting to see. He's, you might know him from Sanford and Son. Ladies and gentlemen, Red Fox in the band goes, dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. Red Fox has some, I go, fuck this. I am performing for 75 people. Walks off the band and goes, dun dun dun dun. Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. They go, fuck it, we're getting paid. Well that's. They play the song on. Yeah, they play the whole song on and then they just go right into it. Dun dun dun. That's his clothes. There's so many comics that are fucking hilarious that. That are funnier than all of us. That are, that you don't know. They're not famous. They're not famous. Andy Kenner, remember him? Yes. Do you remember when he would do State of the Union? He would do State of the Union in comedy at Montreal? Yeah, and what was he, what did you write it? He would basically roast the state of comedy. Right. And it was, and you would hope to be in it. You'd be hoped to be in it. And he'd just destroy, ah, he hated Louis C.K. He hated, before allegations, he hated Louis C.K. And he'd quote his act. But everyone would show up to watch him roast comedy. That was the, the one time I went to Montreal. And it didn't really pay off back then. It pays off now. Different things pay off now from different things get picked up. I was watching Kathleen Madigan's special last night. Yeah. It's so good. She is so talented. She's one of those people, my mom will send me clips of her. My mom's obsessed with Kathleen Madigan. And her material is, she's just, it's, it's, it's, I don't think enough young comics are working on finding their voice as opposed to getting clicks and selling tickets. Just the wording, just the phrasing, just the way, if you see a good comic and it's so thought out that it looks effortless and you go, oh my God, just, it's like a song you go, oh that's exactly perfectly done. Yeah. Yeah. Like the Kathleen Madigan, Jackie Cation is Jackie Cation's, her, she, her, her talking about her family. When you, I love when a comic talks about their family and because you don't have to be related to that family to understand the thing. Kathleen Madigan has a joke about going to Target with her target, Target with her mom and her saying she had a headache and her mom pulls out a pill and she goes here, take this and then Kathleen takes it. She goes, wait, wait, not that one. She goes, mom, what did I just take? She goes, I don't know, what did it look like? She goes, I don't know, I took it. But like, like that developing your voice is the important part of comedy. It's not selling tickets. It's, and selling tickets is important, but when you have, like, and that's something that, that when I started was like, I just want to do it long enough to find my voice. You don't find your voice for like 10 years. I don't think you find your voice until you're 40. Yeah. I think authenticity now, because social media, I think that's part of what your appeal is. They know you. They feel like they really know you. I overshared, I overshare. Like I way overshared. Do you feel like you've sold too much? But isn't that part of, I mean, it's being vulnerable like that. I go like this. I think we know that. Because I saw, I watched the first bits on your last two specials and one was you lost weight so you could see yourself getting blown. You were kind of disappointed. I was shocked. I was shocked. It's very, very wrong. The first time I saw her suck my dick, I went, oh! This is what you deal with. This is crazy. So I'm like, this guy's being, and then the other one, Razzle Dazzle was about ass hair being all intertwined. That was your opener. So that's, so okay. Yeah, open with your clothes. Yeah. We talk about cheat codes. Yeah. I- Get him not to turn away. I mean, I, more people should hear this. The first words out of your mouth. It's a TikTok. Don't let them skip. We're talking algorithms. We're not talking about comedy. We're talking about algorithms. Don't get rid of him. A minute to minute. Dude, when I did mine, I go, I don't want to do the walkout. I'm giving him a chance to get lost. Shout out to Norm McDonald. You fucking go, hello. You walk it, they go, hey, hey, hey. Or you just start with a cold open. Anything. What did Norm do? Well, they know you're sure. I can almost do my opening jokes from all my specials. Secret time is, I said, guys, we're just gonna get drunken tell secrets. Secret time, sometimes I dry my asshole on the bed. Secret time. Secret time, sometimes I spit on the toilet paper to wipe my ass called Mississippi Wet Wipe. Secret time. Those are the first two. Then it was a secret time. I took a shit so big the other day. I took a shit so bad the other day. I made the guy in the stall next to me throw up. And we were in Japan, so I thought he was talking to me. He was like, yeah. So, I could, but I like. But then people go, what's this about? What is your overall point? I want to hear this. But I watch people do a three to five minute sketch. And I go, that's not why I'm here. No offense, some are very good. Some are very good. But I'm not there for the sketch. I want to see your stand up. I also don't give a fuck what city you filmed it in. I don't care about. I can't tell. I care. You're not the biggest mistake I watched. And by the way, I watch everyone's fucking special. I mean, I watch every special because I want to see what's happening and what people are doing. Because I don't want to do the same type of shit. I've watched people talk about the city they're in. I love this city. This is a great city. You're not making the special for the people in the room. You're making it for the people there. Right. I said Denver in mind. Because I said Denver. Such a fucking loser. I said, I did a joke and then I said Denver. I said, it's true about the altitude. Does it make you pee? Because last night I peed so far I couldn't clear the bed. It was some, what did I say? It was some. Oh, I said if the altitude makes you pee because whatever. When I did what I've done. It wasn't even that funny. That couldn't make sense. But it was just a joke. But you didn't really have to know the city. But a lot of people do five minutes on the city. And I'm like, we're not here for the crowd work of the city. The crowd work. Yeah, you can like what I've done. I did this in Cleveland on Hey Big Boy. All these specials. Razzle Dazzle, Hey Big Boy. It was on Root and Toon. Root and Toon is a great one. Hold on. Hold on. I might call my next special Root and Toon. Root and Toon is great. Root and Toon is fucking brilliant. That's a great title. And you got beer cans in your toon. Root and Toon. That is fucking hysterical. Toon. What I've done sometimes is, because I can, Cleveland, for whatever reason, my opening joke, and I can't remember what it is right now, but wasn't popping the way I wanted it to. Hey Cleveland. So what I, but I knew the joke was funny. But for some reason it wasn't working. So I went out and I made a joke about Cleveland. I edited it out and then started with that first joke and it worked. So it was a, it was a, it's a city joke. I go, Cleveland, you gotta love a city like Cleveland where the people in the city define this city. There's no cities like that where they make up this city and they start cheering. I go, no, I mean, there's a couple. You've got Rwanda, Delfast. Like, but, but yeah. And then the other thing is like, you know, I don't know, I've, I've watched, I've just watched enough specials like, probably the best Dave Chappelle is my favorite. I was going to ask you who you think is the current goat. Dave Chappelle, in my opinion, is, he does zero wrong in my opinion. I, and I know that that's not everyone agrees with that, you know, but like zero wrong. When he, he told the joke about hanging out with Jim Carrey on Man on the Moon. You've heard that? And he goes, he goes, that's what I feel like when I talk to him. Is this a character? I think it's talking to Jim. Any comment? I like, you kind of fade it out there. Trans people. There you go. That joke is brilliant. His kicker and the pussy jokes, my favorite joke I've ever heard. Is what? Kicker and the pussy? He goes, I'm so dope. Kicker and the pussy. He goes, I don't even need to do this. I'm so dope. I challenge myself. I have a fishbowl. And I pull it out sometimes. And I just read the punchline and then I got to write a joke about it. I pulled out this morning and said kicker and the pussy. And then he misdirects, goes into a story about growing up around white people and what it's like to eat dinner at a white person's house and they're making hamburger helper. And then David, I need you to set the table. He goes to the bathroom. He doesn't want to set the table. The mom opens the door and goes, David, I apologize. But if you're not going to help, then you can't eat it. And he goes, they were talking about hamburger helper. So I kicked her and the pussy. I told you. And like, it's my favorite. I like, right before I did, lucky. Is that another one? Yeah, it's another one. Right before I did lucky, I was like, yo, I was with Chappelle in Ohio. And we're partying. We're having a good time. We're just talking shit. It's just me and him and like maybe Tony Woods might have been there and like some of the comments torn with me. And we're just bullshitting. And I go, hey, man, I hate that I'm going to do this to you. But like, I got to talk comedy. I was like, give my opinion the greatest ever do it. I was like, give me the secret to how you make a special. And he like looks around, likes a cigarette. And he's like, all right, here we go. And I'm like, and I just sat there and I was like, oh my God. And so when I shot lucky, I did six, I shot six, I shot six shows. Oh, you did six? Yeah. I do eight if I could. I do. I was going to ask you about that too. Cause I think it is an advantage. Cause then you're not really shooting a special in a way. You're just doing another set. But if you ever done one words, you had one night only, one time only. It's not the stress of. I had, when I did secret time, I did two shows. And by the way, I had sold six at the truck, but you know, it was two shows. I'll give you all the real numbers. So the, cause I think this is expensive to shoot. It's $325,000 at the time to shoot lucky. I spend way more now on a special, but it was $325,000, $350,000 to shoot a secret time. Was that one night? One night two shows. One night two shows. First show, the power goes out. They have to hold the audience outside of thunderstorm rolls in, they're soaking wet. The beer thing clogs up and they're miserable. And we're in Philadelphia and I fucking bomb with a special, with a fine tuned, I bomb. I mean, to the point where at one point I was walking and I stepped on the mic cord and I pulled the mic away from my mouth like I went and the punch lines this and I went, God damn it. Right at the punch line. And my wife is always executive produces everything I do because she's pretty intimate with my material. And I told her, I said, any flubs just write them down. I'm sitting in the green room after that first show with my producer, Tony Hernandez, who's like, hey, we got one in the can. There's a lot of good stuff. That's the first thing they always say. Oh, they always say, this is gravy. You play with house money. You got this. Leanne walks in and goes, I go, were there any flubs? She goes, honey, that was shit. Yeah. She goes, I don't know what to tell you better. She goes, you know, cause I've always, I love pressure. I love pressure. I love pressure. And she goes, you always say you like pressure. Well, big boy, it's on you now. You better, you better not fuck up this next one. And my buddy Tony is like, Jesus Christ. He's like, you want to do it? Should we do a shot? I don't ever really drink before I go on stage. Like I never, I'm gonna have, but I don't per, if I'm, especially I'm doing a special. Special. So I was like, no. And then Tony is like very wise. He goes, maybe we should get like a cup of coffee. So we got a cup of coffee. I go out and I do the second show and I have what I can only say is I can quantify it as one of the five best sets of my life. And I walked away and I was like, I will never do two shows again. I will never do two shows. Too much stress. I go to the next one, I say, Tony, what does four shows cost? He does math, he goes 50 grand more. I went, what? Oh, I didn't know that. So you've already got all the fucking shit. Just like housing everybody. Yeah. He goes 50 grand more. I go, Cleveland, let's shoot four in Cleveland for, hey big boy. And they're like, great, we do four. One of the shows, I have mustard on my pants. Right. I go, who the fuck? That's the name of your next special. No one told you about matching. No one told me. I go, well, how did I get mustard on my pants, Leigh-Anne? It's like, you wanted hot dogs. And I was like, but why wouldn't? Because it was on your dick. Yeah. And then, and like, so I go, and by the way, I bomb the first, what you don't realize when you shoot a special, and this is like really in the weeds. That first show you do is kind of unusable, meaning all the cameramen and the director haven't seen the hour. They don't know what they're shooting. The second show, they're kind of dialed in a little more. By the third show, so that real fourth show, everyone. It's like rehearsal. Yeah, it's rehearsal. So then the next year I go, I'm doing fucking six shows. I think I did four for Razzle Dazzle, maybe. But I did six for Lucky. I go, I'm doing six. And I'll tell you, six is too much. Too much stress. I got it, I got it, but I got it perfect. Well, but the best thing about doing six is I applied what Dave's told me to the last two. And those last two shows, that's all we used for those two shows. And what did he say? Without, you know, I'm sure Dave would share this with anyone if he told it to me. He said, let it be in the air. Let it, don't try to dial it in to make it this. Let it be in the air and allow those moments, like in a comedy club, like those explosive moments to happen and let yourself find them. I'm paraphrasing a little bit, but he was saying, don't be married to it. Let it exist. And what happened is I did, you know, pretty much the exact same show four times, almost within, you know, and then those last two nights, I'd gotten it and we were sitting at the bar and my wife's like, you got it, it's done. We don't need these two shows. And my buddy Tony said, hey man, there's two stories I haven't heard you tell that I'd love to hear you tell. I know you can tell. Just why not? And he was like, you should do those on this next show. One was a Snoop Dogg story and one was about my dog getting, putting our dog down. And so I threw them in and I changed up things and those two shows, I mean, the things I thought were the closers never were the closers, but everything, you know, yeah, so doing six shows, I benefited from it. I'd like to do six for the next special, I don't know, but I'm not doing that till 2027. Yeah, well you get rid of the tight eyes because I've seen even really good, I've done a special same thing, I had one show and it was just tight. And I felt like I had to get through my outline. Now, if you're in a club of 300 people and you do what Chappelle's saying to do when you're shooting your special, you tag things, oh, well, just stay here for a while. Oh, you like this story? And with me, if I'm doing, you know, Joe Biden, if they're digging it, I'll just go for 20 minutes or 10 minutes, but if I'm shooting a special, I feel like so. I mean, Yeah, and you have a set list on a planter. Yeah, and you gotta get through it. You gotta get through it. I write it on, I write, I'm really OCD, I write it on my stool and then I keep the stool heads from all my specials. You're on the stool, I write it on these paper. And you keep it. I write it on a paint pen in silver on the stools and I name the special. Oh, that's cool. And I put my set list on the stool. That should be your outline. Where are these stools? In a fucking garage. I don't mind, are. I don't mind, are. All right, before Burt goes, ask him what's a show. Very. Free Burt, is it? Free Burt, yeah. Free Burt on Netflix. And this is like a single camera, half hour. Single camera. Kind of like tires then. A lot like tires. I mean, not actually not. Is it with tires? Yeah, it's probably not as funny. But. Well, we'll see about that. No, tires is. And what's the byline on Free Burt? It was. The story. It's really just fish out of water. It's really about, when I, about how I've always felt about myself is I am this big loud personality and sometimes I try to conform and fit in and whenever I do, I very much fuck up. And it's pulled from our direct lives, meaning I, within the first episode, I go on a podcast and I say something very inappropriate about my daughters. Like with Isla, we're going to use this, but it was, but I had already happened. And it's, but Isla, I talked about when she got her period on Conan. And like she, because she threw herself a period party. What was she doing on Conan? She, I was backstage at Conan and Conan's like, how are the girls? And I go, oh good, Isla just got her period. And he was like, what? And I was like, yeah. I said, she threw herself a period party. He goes, what's that? I go, say all dressed in red and we have a red velvet cake and she names her period and we put it on the cake and they drink Kool-Aid and eat pasta with red sauce. And he's like, are you fucking serious? And I go, yeah, and they invite two boys and they don't tell them either there. And then the boys like, what the fuck? You know, and he was like, what did she name her period? I said, Jason, she got on Friday the 13th. He's like, well, can we talk about this? I go, yeah, yeah, you know, you just, every one of us want to make someone happy. You just say yes. And I tell the period, it ended up becoming a bit on a special that I did by telling on Conan and that night I'm on the, I'm flying on the road and I was watching Conan with Leanne. And I was like, he's like, so how's, how are you girls doing? I go, good. I go, I just got a period and she hits balls. She goes, she's like 10 years, 12 years old. She goes, you had a lot of people watch this? And my wife's like, yeah. She was like, what's he gonna say? She's like, I don't know. And then she watched it and she was like, she was like, yo. And then the next morning, my inbox was flooded. There was all little girls writing in to say, hey, thank you for sharing that story. I've been freaked out about getting my period. Now we're throwing a period party. Isla became this like fucking feminist hero. So she was cool with it, but that is the premise in this show is I go in, I make a joke about my daughter, Georgia and it fucks her up at school. And then I try to write that boat and I just make things way worse. And it's all, you know, I don't, you guys probably never experienced this, but like when you're a struggling comic with kids at a school where all the parents are execs and agents and you just really feel like you don't belong. I remember, I remember this is how, I remember Billy Crudup was at our school. And also we had him on his podcast. A little while ago. Yeah, yeah. He was at our school and he was dating Claire Danes. He was married, he had been married to like some lady who was very famous and they had a kid and their kid was at our school. Nia Vardalos, Jay Shandisekar, Fred Savage, all the other kids were at their school. And Billy Crudup and Claire Danes start dating and we have a big picnic for the end of the year. And one of the parents took pictures of them and sold them to the inquirer where, to a TMZ. And they came to me and they're like, the principal, like, yo, did you take pictures of Billy Crudup and Claire Danes? I go, no, no, no. They go, you had a camera. I go, yeah, I'm a dad. I take pictures of my kid. And they're like, yeah, well, someone sold it for money. And I mean, when we were looking around, cause I was broke and I was like, they wanted you to find their excuse on you. They accused me of taking, and I liked Billy Crudup a lot. Like he was the coolest guy to me out of all the people at school. I would never fuck that guy over. And I was like, but that, when you're that much of an outsider, that they think that you would take pictures of people to sell them, that's a little bit what this has. It's like, I was an outsider. And I'm a guy who takes a shirt off, I drink a lot. I, you know, like, people would say stuff to me at like school, like, well, Burt, we should have Burt host the silent auction. And they're like, like, is he gonna take a shirt off and get hammered? And you're like, guys, I'm not the fucking, so like that's the premise is fish out of water. It's good. I'm really happy with it. When does it start? It starts January 22nd. And the girls that play, my daughter's kind of steal it a little bit. And they're so talented. Arden Marine is my wife. And then we have this great cast of dudes. Who is the woman you showed us? The young one. Ava Ryan is. She plays Georgia. And this little girl, Lelou is Isla. And this kid is, I'm telling you, untethered. Like she is, she is, she walked into the audition. Her first audition ever walked in and she goes, which one's Judd Apatow? That's a joke. And you know, Oh, she was just heard about Judd Apatow. No, because he was originally, he was attached to producer. And he left the project because I think he just changed up his career and he was like, I'm doing other things, whatever. But he was like, I am. She goes, okay, my brothers are fans of yours. All right, how do we do this? And I was like, just come over here. She was like, Burt. And I was like, hey, she goes, I like this guy. All right, what are we doing? I mean, just. How old is she? There's a time. There's, she's, I don't know. She's gotta be like eight, no, it's 10. Eight, it's like a decoder. She said, we had this scene. I mean, like, I don't want to, I won't give away too much. There's a scene where I fucked things up at dinner table and everyone leaves and it's just me and her. And it's awkward. It should be like and cut. And this kid decided to go on a fucking rant, like a pump up speech to me. And there were so many versions of a little, a child getting in my face. I went, don't do it, mother fuckers change you. Don't let anyone fucking change. When you fight a bull, do you run away from it? And I'm like, yeah. She goes, no, you run right the fuck out of it. You're just improvising with the audience. I'm like sitting there watching this kid and they say, have a sip of your beer. I go, no, what the fuck are you? She just is like, she's just a real spirit. And, and she, I mean, her improvs were so funny that we kept the vast majority of them in. I mean, she is, she has one improv that I, that I can't really tell because it would give away so much. She has one improv that I didn't even know she did as I was watching the final episode, I fell off the treadmill laughing. I fell off the treadmill laughing. This kid is so, and Ava is so, Ava, the whole story rides on Ava. So she carries it on her shoulders the whole story. And the kids are incredible. Yeah. It was a cool experience. I do more, I do more in a heartbeat. How many do you do? Six. Okay. Six, and I like acting. I never thought I'd, I liked acting when I did the machine but like, I really enjoyed it. I enjoy it a lot. Well, that was my last, well, last question. The machine, like, because people do indie films, wanna do indie films, comedians wanna put them together. You have a period of time away from it. It seemed like it was a big success but what did you learn from it? Like if you did a second one, how would you do it different, if anything? I would make it shorter. The film? The film entirely, I would make it shorter. That's the number one thing I think. How long was it? It was, I think it was like two hours. Maybe, I don't know. But I think it was long. I make it shorter. I make it for less money. How would you save that money, just by being more economical with the cameras and stuff? Wildly, I would, right now, I think, okay, this is a big question. I think movies are gonna die. I think if Netflix buys Warner Brothers, we can say goodbye to movies in general in the future. Movies will be like the way people listen to the vinyl records. Who are they to expect to? They're too expensive and there's no way to make money off them. And to be honest with you, you can do a reality show, me and you can host a reality show for Netflix, like a reality competition show, The Fattest Baker. And it'll do better. It'll be so much more economically fine. And me and you will make a ton of fucking money. If me and you go to Netflix to make a movie, we'll maybe make $300,000 each. Yeah, it's hard. And then all the money's gonna go into the budget. There's no backend anymore. You don't get points on anything. On streamers, yeah. And I gotta be honest with you, David, if I saw this kid, they were building a fort. These four kids, they were in a tree and they were building a fort. And one kid fell out of the tree and knocked the wind out of him. And I laughed for, I watched it up maybe 20 times and I laughed for a solid 20 minutes. Me and you could not make anything funnier than a child falling out of a tree. It's the fucking hardest I've ever laughed. So in order to do a movie. You mean reality and things that are cheap, and things that are real. And I know people are getting upset right now going like, hold on, don't say that. No, but you changed it. I hate to say this, the person watching this, you and me were all complicit. We stopped going to movie theaters. And that's where the money's made. That's where they make money on a movie is in the movie theaters. We stopped going to movie theaters. I went, I saw, I had every intention of seeing Leonardo DiCaprio's new movie, the one about Left or Another. Every intention of seeing the movie theaters. I didn't. I could have. What was the last big comedy that made a lot of money in theaters? It's, I've never, I haven't seen it. You can't think of a long time. I think the last mega one was Bruce Almighty with Jim Carrey, like mega. Yeah. That's cool. The hangovers did well. Hangover did, yeah. Yeah, that was 2012, 2013. But in the last 10 years, I know what you mean. He did right. And it is also the conceit of funny people in a movie. You were already kind of behind the eight ball a little bit. Yeah. If it happens by accident, I find myself laughing at Christoph Walls and Glorious Bastards was hilarious. Yeah. And Jango and Jane, but yeah. Comedy's tricky that way. Comedy's tricky. And listen, I was talking to a company that's like, figuring out $10 million for movies. So every movie is gonna be roughly like 2.5 around there. That's tough. Am I right? Yeah. Now for $10 million, you can do six episodes of a TV show. Yeah. Okay, so all right. So then we get six different things we can put out there. The streamer, I think, I just think, I think things are changing so quickly right now that like I don't know if they're ever, they're not, I will never be a part of another $35 million movie, I doubt. Unless I get cast in something. Like it's just, there's no way to make that money back. That is a big budget. That's a crazy budget. And you look at like, Frankenstein was $150 million. And it was on Netflix. Maybe it's made, I don't even know how it works, but yeah. Netflix has a lot of money. But also, we have this weird ability where we can talk for one hour and maintain an audience, which is what you'd wanna do in a movie, right? And we can also make a ton of money for doing it, for Netflix. So part of me is like, my dad used to go, don't think because you're good at one thing, you're good at everything. Don't think because you're good at comedy, you should open a restaurant. Or you should, you know, he goes, stick with what you're good at. So I'm good at stand up. So I'll just keep doing specials until they want me to not do specials. But even specials are fucking tough. Because you look at YouTube, and YouTube, they're just as competitive as Netflix. Oh yeah, just release them on YouTube. There's, when I did Secret Time, there was maybe, I'm gonna be generous, maybe 57 specials released that year. Right, that's how many, think about it, right? Netflix. Yeah, more than one a week. Amazon Prime. It was one a week. How do they all do well? Yeah, one a week and then some other people released it on YouTube, but not a lot, maybe seven people on YouTube. Yeah, so it was easy to at least get your head above water with a special. And then next year there was, you know, maybe I'll say there was 70. When I released Lucky, I'm guessing there were a thousand specials released that year. Between all of them. Am I right? Yeah, the all ecosystem and releasing it on YouTube. Yeah, and so to stand out is so tough that like when I release Root and Toot and, there's gonna be. Or Rackum. Rackum, there's another one. There will be easily probably 3,000 specials released that year. And so, so yeah, I don't know. I'm really fascinated to see what happens with this business. Yeah, your mind is amazing the way you process show business. Let's just for a second, right? As we, Mike dropped this, you've got your half hour show on Netflix. You've got a current special and then many other on Netflix. You've got your tours starting up. You're gonna go to Europe, playing a lot of arenas and the Wisconsin center, like big rooms. What else, you have your cooking show. And you and Tom still have two. Two bearer. And you also have the bird cast. Yeah. Okay, am I missing anything? Behind me, how the fuck? I don't know, you're remembering everything. I don't know, I just kind of go through my head. But it's amazing. I just say you're a force of nature. It's really remarkable to watch. Free bird. Free bird. And you're having so much fun with it. I love it. I'm the happiest person alive. I meant really honestly. You might be. I will, you know, I thought, Tim Dylan one time said to me, I was having an anxiety attack. And Tim goes, why? He goes, it never gets better than today. I said, what are you talking about? He goes, hey buddy, no one's told you to quit drinking. You've never supposed to make this much money. Your wife loves you, your kids love you. Your parents still alive. Your sisters are doing great. Everything. You'd kill for this. You'd kill for this. Today's the greatest day of your life. You got a TV show coming out. You got movies lined up. You got, I don't ever need to work again. I got all the watches I need. I don't care about cars. Like, holy shit, today is the greatest day I'm ever gonna have. Tomorrow could just get worse. Today is fucking awesome. Very wise. 10 years ago. Very wise. You would take this deal. It's beyond anything you think of. 10 years ago, if you had said, hey, let me tell you your life. You're gonna, first of all, you're gonna hang out with Dana Carby and Dave's paid for the afternoon. Okay, that's number one. You're in. But they're gonna talk about the project that you're doing for Netflix. They're gonna give you a ton of money to make a TV show. And you'll be working, doing arenas while you're working on tour. And just so you know, every fucking Thursday, this black guy's gonna come to the room and fuck you in the ass. You're not gonna like it. You're not gonna like it, but every Thursday, you got that, but you get all the other stuff. I go, I'm in. I mean, I'll take the black guy too. You're sorry. Glad I'm not lying. I don't know why I'm making black. I'm not. It's all right. It's size. 2025. Thank you, Bert. I love you. Thank you, Bert. Thank you, everybody. Hey guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us a review, five star rating, and maybe you can share an episode that you've loved with a friend. If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now. Fly On The Wall is presented by Audicy and executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Mattie Sprung-Kaiser, and Leah Reese-Dennis of Audicy. Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman, and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweetek. Booking by Cultivated Interestine. Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Mora Curran, Melissa Wester, Hilary Shuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor, Sean Cherry, Kurt Courtney, and Lauren Vieira. Reach out with us any questions to be asked and answered on the show. You can email us at flyonthewall at audicy.com. That's A-U-D-A-C-Y dot com.