He Dumped Me Because Of My Music Taste?!

you haven't watched heated rivalry no i started it i usually don't like gay things i talk to friends gay friends and like oh no i can only watch it like after i off i can't i can't why i can't watch it pre-c*** hello and welcome to the what podcast i'm jared freed i'm brian russell smith and we are back on a friday feels episode brian russell smith thank you for coming on thank you for having me long time listener person behind the scenes you've been behind the scenes of the show for yeah a long time and i remember when you started here yeah i've worked here for eight years and this is the first time we've ever talked yeah i can't believe it i know wow this is what my voice sounds like jerry i had no idea you're such a nice guy i don't know why i've been i usually wear my sunglasses when i walk in i say i throw my jacket at whoever's at the front it's very uh miranda priestly yeah that's me um how are you what's going on let's how you feeling on a friday feels it is friday february 6th we are in our maternity leave era jordana abraham marinelli we wish her well we wish her the best we we miss her terribly uh if you want to hear how jordana's doing you can sign up for the benefits episodes uh that is what is it five bucks a month is that what we're charging for two extra episodes a month plus no ads and you know we just the benefits episodes we don't lose people people tend to join and you're going to hear about jordana's journey becoming a new mother we're all so excited but otherwise uh what's going on with you how are you i'm great i mean before we get started i just want to give a shout out to the team behind the scenes team really crushing it i work a lot with them v reads all of your emails yes some of your deviants um But you're all lovely and hilarious. Jonah edits all these episodes, and she has to listen to Jerry talk for hours. I can't imagine a greater hell. Yeah. I can't imagine having to watch this mug. So they all work really hard. I just wanted to say that. You up listeners. That feels like an attack. Should we be thanking the team more? Hey, no, not for you. Am I not thanking the team more? No, no, it's not you. It's not you. Okay. I'm talking to – It's Jordana. She's not listening to this. Right. She doesn't give a shit. She doesn't care. Yeah. No, I'm just saying, you know, when I had the opportunity, I thought I would take it. Well, you head up the team. You're our point person here. Yeah. And you are married. Yes. We got to get into the relationship. This is a relationship show. You're married. They're from Spain. So how did you meet? And they're older. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So my husband's Antonio, Antonio Pascual. That's his name? Yeah. Holy shit. This is heated rivalry. I know, right? You don't need to watch the show. I always had a huge crush on Pedro Pascal before everyone did. I'm talking Mandalorian with the mask. With the mask. Well, Pedro Pascal is one of those people that was around. Yeah, yeah, exactly. He wasn't like – this isn't like guy who made it on a rocket ship. Yeah. He was like – he's in a lot of older shows. It's like kind of George Clooney-ish. Yeah, yeah. So I was kind of looking for that. Looking for my Pedro Pascal. I was looking for my Pedro Pascal. yeah I met him out at a bar when you know like eight years ago I it was one of those nights where you go out with a co-worker and for drinks and then you just keep drinking and then you don't end up having dinner and then you just get like wasted yeah you go we don't need dinner I don't want to be full I don't want to I don't want to have to go home and take a nap yeah exactly yeah and then um I lost my coat drunkenly looking for my coat and I was like have you seen my coat and He was like, no, but you can borrow mine. And then that's how we met. Yeah. And did you take the coat? I did take the coat. I did. I mean, I took it back to his place. Oh. So wait a minute. You're at a place. I'm looking for my coat. You hadn't started talking yet? No. He said he had checked me out earlier in the night. He was like, oh, that guy is cute. Sure. So he had eyes on you. Yeah. And then you finally come up in his vicinity. Yeah. you're pecking around for a coat and he's like i'll give you mine yeah and he chats me up you know what bar it was called barracuda could you tell it's a gay bar is it it's barracuda well on the attack yeah exactly like yeah rest in peace it just it just closed just closed yeah where was it it was on 22nd and 8th i think 21st oh so right near this office yeah right here well i was working here well not at this our other offices like this was like a street or two away so it was like a place i would you know frequent so you guys meet the coat scenario i gotta assume in the gay community there's like almost more honesty yeah this is my assumption because like you guys go home together the first night and then it's like i would think it's easier to look each other at and go what is this or like is there what what's the how do we go towards marriage in that scenario I think like – you got to like – you test drive the car before you take it out of the lot. Right. So – You drink the milk for free and then you buy the car. Yeah. Like I think gay – the gay community is very much like let's have sex right away and then figure it out if we want a relationship. I would argue that's probably a healthier way to go where – uh-oh. He's so nervous. Joe's so nervous. Joe almost lost it. He's like, I guess we're all having sex now. i got all nervous i i i don't know there's like a there is a thing of like get it out of your system yeah and then let's see i i guess it's more personally offensive if you could take it that way where you're like oh then they saw my personality and they were like i'm out of here well i think it's also the other the other version of it is also equally embarrassing like oh like um i got along with this person but then the sex was terrible and now i don't want to continue this relationship i mean for women listening to this there again we are doing guest hosts and we're getting different perspectives and we're sitting here a bunch of guys yeah chilling that's true and but i'm like i do i don't know how that like i think a lot of women when they write in here they're like i can work on it i can figure that part out yeah but i don't know if men can do that yeah well for us it was more like okay so you know the next morning he like made me breakfast We were just chatting. And then we had a really easy rapport. Right. And we just kept talking and talking. He had a brunch reservation with a friend. He pushed it back. And then we were like, oh, that was great. OK, maybe we'll see each other again. And he exchanged numbers. And then I think I texted him two days later. And then we just got dinner. And that was pretty much it. And then you're dating. Yeah. That's how it's going down. It was pretty quick. Him being – how old is he and how old are you? So when we met, I was 25. 25. And he was 44. 44, 25. Yeah. What are the hilarious mistakes that happen when you guys show up somewhere together? Because you hear about like the women with their dads and someone goes, oh, like are you guys dating? Like is there any fun – does it result in that or do you guys – I'm sure he looks great. Well, that's the thing. Right. He's like a gay man from Spain. He takes like he's got olive skin. Like, yeah, really everyone. I thought he was like 35, 36 when I met him. And he thought I was like 30 because I was kind of skewed older. I'm 33 now. So we've been together for like eight years. We got married when I was 30. So it felt like it was like, OK, this is weird. We're at different stages of our lives. Like he had an apartment in Chelsea. I lived in Bushwick with like three roommates. You know what I mean? And so like then there was that kind of like weird dynamic of like, oh, I would love to go on this trip. And I'll be like, I can't afford to go on that trip. Right. Unless you pay for me, then yeah, we'll go. So we did. But, but like, but now that it's been, you know, some time it, it, the, the playing field is definitely much easier in that way. But like, it wasn't ever, it really wasn't an issue because I was very like a front about it. You know what I mean? Were you always looking for something serious? Were you both looking for something serious? I, some of the feedback you hear from the gay community is like, you know, we have women talk about how hard it is to get guys to settle down but like when it's two men well it was the time in my life and actually similar to him where i wasn't really interested in looking in a relationship like i was we were both actually casually seeing someone when we met um and i didn't want to go to the next step with that guy because whatever uh he was a pediatric dentist he was very hot but he was like very strange i don't know it's a weird profession to want to go into like thank god we have you but like he was like how many like whenever he's like whenever i see a kid i wonder how much teeth they have in their mouth i'm like yeah that's the weirdest sentence i've ever in my entire life so i wasn't i was i see a kid i wonder how much teeth he has in his mouth yeah exactly yeah is that like a money thing he's like i don't know if he has less teeth i can make more money out of them or is that like yeah like you're like into that yeah but so i that's crazy i i'd hear that and i'd be like like i say he was fucking hot he was so hot so i kind of looked over it look past it i think women would be helped like when you hear a gay guy talk about like he's hot i gotta do it yeah you know like that's kind of like the going motto of most men yeah like when that's why these dating app conversations are kind of hard it's like you could be as much of a dead fish as you want on a dating app and a lot of men are like but they're hot so i'll keep going and i'll see what happens and you're like but they pushed along and they kept texting me yeah well you didn't say much and you were hot yeah you know like that's that's a hard truth i think when it comes to you know this show you know this show i think you know my my job here is to make a lot of the icky more edible yeah and when it's like guys i'm like i get it right away yeah you know like i get that idea of like went home we we wrestled a little bit and then we woke up we were like take the number yeah see i'm kind i'm kind of seeing someone else but you know whatever that's why like those those story time videos that are done from women that are like i'm like it's all when it's when it's done in the gray of like and they were seeing someone yeah i'm like i don't know if you heard this from another angle it wouldn't be as i just think anything is ever that serious especially when you just meet someone like i don't know it's not serious until you have both said this is fucking serious yeah exactly i wouldn't take anyone seriously unless they are saying like let's take this seriously right yeah and getting that answer sometimes it's easy sometimes you're asking for it yeah you're the one leading it sometimes they're leading it yeah and but if both people aren't talking then you haven't heard the full answer it's pretty much like i think the basis of any relationship problem is just not speaking right communicating yeah you know like like tell say like just be like be real like i have that i have that issue today still you know but like yeah just honesty and i think that's what he does really well like i think it's also a cultural thing i think like they are just very upfront about how they feel if they like something if they don't like something give it to me give don't give it to me like just even like the language the way they ask for things is very direct like in spanish and like romantic languages you're learning spanish for him is that like a way to connect yeah i mean i was like tired of like hearing him talk on the phone and then hear my name and not know what they're talking about right you know i'm like i know you're talking about me but what are you saying uh so i yeah i take spanish twice a week still it's been like four four years that's like one of those that i hear someone say yeah i take spanish twice a week and i'm like you're getting you know you're trying to graduate like i'm like like there's no understanding of like just having like something nice yeah that is a nice thing yeah i mean it like a hobby i started in covid i was like i need something to do before well i i have a one edition i interrupted you the age gap oh right yeah i mean um it never really came up all that much it it if anything it comes up more later just like being like oh like as i my stages of life change how does that change within our relationship like i said like the trip stuff or like contributing 50 50 to everything versus before it's like obviously we weren't on the same page now but yeah you were out for your family you bring home a husband what is there any like like you know we kind of get like the story of like a coming out story yeah and then there's like we all just go oh then they lived happily ever after like i that that can't be the case yeah like it's like oh you know because for if someone's older that has to be explained like here's my sexual i don't know how hard or easy your story is or if you even want to share that i'm just saying we never really get like okay now i have a husband and yeah how did they react to that like you almost have to do it again yeah i mean or maybe not i don't know it's not about doing it again i was nervous that they were going to be like oh why are you with this guy who's 19 years older than you right but they weren't because he's like very cool and very fun and like uh i have nieces and nephews they all love him and so like i was worried about like the first meeting and it immediately was just like gone click so yeah you know because i i guess there's like you know there's there's existing notions of like the age difference in a gay relationship like i was in so i was in london i'll never forget it i'm by myself i'm having a drink i'm sitting kind of it was busy and this one guy was like being loud and very drunk and he was around and around and like just like walking around and and really being performative and he sits next to me and he starts talking to me and this girl that i'm talking to and he's really like the show and then he an older man sits with us and he's like this is bob and we go nice to meet you bob and and i go how do you guys know each other and bob goes he's staying with me and my husband and we go and we all kind of look at each other like okay that's what's going on and there was just like and we all kind of laughed because i was and i i remember i i like put a like a bow on it i go modern love yeah and they all just kind of laughed and agreed so like i know that those arrangements can happen and i would assume that maybe there might be like i like we bring someone home who's 19 years older you go let me just get in front of this like we have a real relationship yeah exactly yeah yeah yeah like it's not weird you know what i mean this is this is just like you mom and dad yeah you know like you know what i mean like i i don't know i also like i felt like i've always always with older people like around older people like i'm the youngest of four that like they're like 10 years older than me yeah so i don't know like they're like it's funny that like he's older than my oldest sibling but um no it never felt like i think on paper it would seem weird but like you see a photo of him you see what he looks like and you're like oh shit he's 50 right you know what i mean like so i don't know i guess my my thing was like the the in yourself do you feel you need to explain it i think i maybe initially i did but then there's also the the flip side of it is like or is this younger guy with this older man so he can get like nice things right no no it goes all way there's insecurities there yeah because i remember i saw this guy when he was at so i was i was like i guess there's an arrangement yeah of some sort because it just felt like the couple they're having them over yeah and i was like i kind of get it yeah you know and i was like but again you're like i guess i didn't realize i had assumptions about that you know yeah so listen we're excited to have you here as our guest host we have some emails we're gonna go through them everyone go follow brian russell smith unbelievable talent Okay, Brian, let's get into our first question. Are you ready? I am ready. Our first email is brought to you by our friends at Uber. Valentine's Day is in a week, and it's not just about romantic love. It's a good chance to show anyone in your life that you care about them. Brian, what kind of gifter are you? Are you a timely gifter? I am unfortunately not a timely gifter. Okay. Yeah, I'm one of those people who's at the store or the mall. The malls exist at the store, I guess. You know, the day before Christmas Eve. In 1995, I'd go to the mall. Yeah, exactly, exactly. And hang out with my chums in the food court. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm not a timely gifter. Are you? I, you know, if I do a gift, I do it. Yeah. But I'm one of those people with a gift where it has to speak to me and it has to speak to me about them or else I'm completing a task that I don't want to do. Mm-hmm. So I do have a big thing with gift connecting to the person, and that does make me feel good. But if it doesn't, I don't think of a gift at all. No, it is something that I will think about, oh, I need to do this, and then I just panic until it happens. And then last minute, I just go. Yeah, so I think this might be perfect for me. Well, if you need a little help this Valentine's Day, trust Courier on Uber to get your gifts there. courier is an on-demand delivery service in the uber app that helps deliver items from point a to point b whether it's a homemade gift something you forgot at home or a last minute valentine surprise that feels intentional sometimes you can't physically be there but you still want to show up and this email is a great example of that i love what uber courier is doing they're making the uber app just a transportation app for everything and that's what courier is doing I remember back during COVID, I had a trainer who was like, I want to send you some workout bands. And they had to put it in the back of the Uber. And we were talking before we started taping. And you kind of whisper to the Uber driver, do you mind if you just drive this uptown? Yeah. And now they've made it easy. Yeah, one time I had to do it for a shoot where they requested these very specific toothpicks that would be in the burgers. And then we sent the toothpicks to Jersey City from Brooklyn. And now we have an easy solve for that. It's funny because it's like now there's this like big car taking over these little tiny toothpicks. And you're like – this was a lot for that. And so what Uber is doing is they're like cutting down that whole process. They're making it more efficient by having a space on the app. Maybe it's someone that like takes their bike over and is like, I got the toothpicks. Yeah, exactly. So let's do the email. This email is brought to you by courier at Uber. We want you to use the courier function on Uber. And this kind of is in the same vein. J&J and B. I, 25, have been dating someone 26 for a couple months. Things are going really well. We met on Hinge and talk almost every day. I brought up Valentine's Day casually, and she told me she always does a girls' night on the 14th and has for years. So we're planning to celebrate on a different day instead. I'm totally fine with that, but I don't want the actual day to pass without doing something and accidentally messing this up. I know that she has a sweet tooth, and I'm thinking of baking her some cookies. I don't cook at all. Uh-oh. That's a bad start, so I want to bake her cookies. But the one thing I can make is a simple chocolate chip cookie recipe my sister taught me years ago. And I was thinking of sending her homemade cookies on the 14th. Is that something that's too strong this early? We already are going to celebrate together, but I want her to have something from me on actual Valentine's Day. Thanks, a guy who's overthinking Valentine's Day. I love this email. It is thoughtful. It is specific. It is personal. It is filled with anxiety as most Valentine's Day questions are. How do you feel about this, Brian? I mean, I think that she would slide off her chair if she got cookies on Valentine's Day. I mean, it does have a story. Yeah, it does. Sister's recipe. I want you to have something even though you have plans. Like in the world of good boyfriend, bad boyfriend, you are a braggable partner. I was thinking the same thing. Like she's spending time with her girlfriends. She's probably like, oh, yes, I get to tell him that he did this thing and make them jealous. Right. There is. Well, that's actually the direction my brain. Yeah. Because I want to ease their anxiety by making it worse. OK, so my thing to them is a Valentine's Day gift. to your girlfriend, to your partner, is either the nicest thing someone has done or it's the reason you need to end it. And that's – because a Valentine's Day gift is a showing someone what page I am on. Yeah. I'm on page I love you and bake you cookies with my sister's recipe. And they are going to have to chew on that. They're going to have to go – Literally. Literally. Yeah, literally. You're going to have to chew on those cookies while thinking about are they where you are? Now, if they're like a page behind you, not that big a deal. They'll deal with it. We can keep on rolling. If they're on another chapter, these cookies could mean the end, but it's not because you shouldn't give the cookies. I think this is the best thing you can do is act on your emotions. We have to trust in dating. And I think what we do in dating Like this question is easy for us to answer Because we go, yeah, send the cookies You're going to be the fucking boyfriend of the century Or they're going to dump you Okay, cool Ew, you sent me cookies Right, because the brunch table either goes like this I'll be her at the brunch table Okay, ready? Someone just uber-curried cookies to you Oh my god, Brad sent me cookies Let me read the note my sister taught me this recipe when i was a little toddler and i made these cookies specifically for you because i love you just as much as i love my family guys i told you he is the best i've never had it better i've never had it easier he's sweet he's loving do you want to do the alternative now let's do the alternative okay okay be like oh someone just brought these cookies oh god uh they're from brad god damn it yeah her sister taught him the recipe he's been talking about these cookies for a month he's a really nice guy and he's sweet and loving but i don't know if i'm into it and these cookies he must really like love me and I just keep thinking of getting ravaged by my ex all the time, and this cookies just made me think of it even more, how much I don't want to be with him anymore. I think I've got to end it with Brad. Do you want some cookies? Oh, yeah, they're delicious. And then they eat cookies while discussing how they're going to dump you. Yeah, exactly. And that's like as horrific as that sounds for Brad who wrote in, That's not their name, but as horrific as that, those two scenes, like they're the exact opposite. But that's what a gift gets you. A gift gets you answers. So I like, I love this question because it's like, it's a little sadistic. Like I feel a little bit like, you know, Zeus sitting on my mountain watching my, you know, the humans interact below because I'm like, it can go in either direction. But we have to trust, and this is a big deal for dating, that we are not making decisions while in a straight jacket in a padded cell. If you're in a straight jacket sitting in a padded cell, okay, let's trust your emotions less. But if you not and you free amongst us you probably sane and well and you wanting to bake them cookies is the right decision It's not going to be why you broke up, but you may break up. Okay. Yeah, I love the exposure therapy. That was awesome. You're welcome. I think that was perfect. Thank you. I appreciate that. I'm happy. We had to play it out. Yeah, yeah. Because Brad needs to see that his cookies are either the most wonderful thing he's ever done for someone or the most horrific thing that's ever happened to someone. And maybe at least she'll always think of you when she has a chocolate chip cookie. I have gifts like that where I think of someone, I'm like, oh my god, oatmeal raisin has been ruined. Thanks again to our sponsor, Uber. No matter the occasion, Courier on Uber makes it easy to show up even when you can't physically be there. Just open the Uber app, slide over the Courier tab, select your delivery type, and let Courier help deliver what matters. Maybe some breakup cookies. Yeah. Or love cookies. We're going to do an icky or picky. Let's do it. Icky or picky. That is the game where you're dating someone, you get the ick. Is it a real ick or are you just being picky? You ready? j and j and brian i have an icky or picky you get broken up with over your music taste for context my boyfriend of 10 months dating seven months official and i recently broke up he said i'm a great partner and he felt so loved but he couldn't get there because i am not as passionate about music he said he recognizes i show up and i'm supportive of him went to all his classical and indie rock shows but that he wants someone to be more invested in music on our second date we talked about how he was an indie rock guy and i was like i listened to beyonce taylor swift and sabrina carpenter he said it wasn't a deal breaker and made a main pop girlies playlist for me but here we are so what do you think pop off what do you think well i think she's got great music taste yeah um nothing wrong with her taste no and i think he kind of sounds like a fucking loser he sounds a little bit elitist yeah i mean based on this story yeah i think you ever broken up with someone based on something similar to this oh man like and i i can understand i can't be with someone that i can't share this thing with it does sort of seem like she is sharing it with him though she tried i mean right there was a compromise here there's the whole thing of like opposites attract is it true i think in this case i i'm more interested in in someone who is passionate about something and sharing that passion with me and she seems like she was trying to do that but it seems like he might just like want like a fan versus a girlfriend i don't know went to all his classical and indie rock shows like is he a audience at a classical or is he in the indie rock it seems like he she would have said he plays in a band if it was that when you go to a classical a classical and indie rock there is an elitism to this group of people like there are people that are so into music and it is their passion but it is weird to be like i can't be with someone who doesn't understand it if you're trying to understand it well so i i am into indie rock but my husband is not yeah you know what i mean and so a few months ago there was this band called the format playing in the city and i like their older stuff yeah i went and i went by myself yeah because i was like i'm gonna enjoy this you're not don't come with me because i don't want to listen to you bitch and complain about like how annoying this is right you know and then for me on the flip side on the flip side he's a huge like he likes to go to plays and i cannot stand to play for the life of me like oh no shakespeare please no um he goes to shakespeare shakespeare goes to like hello he's yeah i went or not to be i went and i fell asleep i fell asleep in the theater i don't think he noticed but i did the thing where you're like head rocks and i did like one really hard one and i was like i think i just need to get up and go outside i just like stood in the lobby for a little bit but uh i think like a good relationship is like acknowledging that you know sometimes you're gonna have different like tastes and just like letting it happen would you ever break up with someone because of their music taste no but i would break up with someone if they like were had a very strong negative opinion about my music taste yeah you know what i mean like if someone was like oh i hate taylor swift because i don't know i just hate her and i'm like well then you're not a very informed person i'm with you i love when someone loves something yeah then And I tend to like learn about the lore, the nuance. Like anytime I've been with like a Taylor Swift fan and then I find out about the drama behind the Taylor Swift fandom, I'm in. It's a Marvel Easter egg. Like I love someone who loves something and I love Taylor Swift. Like she's actually, you know, the background on my phone right now. Look at that. There she is. She's pointing at you like you can do it. Did you go to a bunch of the – did you go to a bunch of the – I went to three eras tours. Three. Three eras tours. Which cities? I did New York, Philly, and then I did Madrid. Beautiful. I mean, the Madrid one, you must have been in heaven. It was amazing. It was hot as fuck. People kept passing out. But straight up, and she'd be like, ayuda, pointing out into the audience, like, help. But so my husband, not a huge Taylor Swift fan, respects her. He's like, oh, she's a talented, strong, smart young woman. But sometimes I'll be like, can we please change the song, change the channel? Which is fine. Enough's enough is different than I hate the thing you love. Like to me, like you love Taylor Swift. If anyone's response to that is I hate Taylor Swift, like that's kind of like saying I hate ketchup. Like we've all decided. It's pretty good. Like you don't have to put it on your burger, but you can't deny that it's not good. Right. You can't deny that it should be on every table when a burger is being served. Exactly. Exactly. So it is picky. Yeah. But I, you know, based on the specifics of this email, I kind of have like a diagnosis. Mm-hmm. You know, like if they're like questioning what the fuck, because we're getting this from the other side. Yeah. We're not getting it from the person who had the ick. Yeah. To me, their email to us, the mail, the guy writing in to us, their email would be very different than the one she's sending. Mm-hmm. Because what we're saying is you could have different interests. It would be extremely picky to dump someone based off of they could never understand even though they're trying. Yeah, that's picky. That's picky. Yeah. What I would say to them based on the particulars, I would say this is like this speaks to my straight male soul. Ten months in, now you've got to make a decision. What are we doing? It's true. 10 months in is the number. 10 is the number where you got to go from – you got to meet the family. You got to do the serious stuff. You got to be in a relationship. You have to then, if you're going to end it, have a reason. Yeah. And for a lot of people, there's no good reason. So they stuck to this elitist view of music, and they sold it to you. Yeah. I don't think that's the reason they broke up. It's probably not. Yeah, it's probably an excuse. But it's probably good that he did it when he did it. Right. this is the thing that the 10 month whatever the reason someone gives you a 10 months i i would like just take it and and and go i guess you can use that as your parting gift to talk about at the brunch table and yeah and and break down in the way we're breaking it down here but like the reality is i can't see a scenario where someone doesn't enjoy the things that i love but it is trying where i'm like well get out of here you got no ear for the classics like that's a crazy reason to end it with something yeah i'm with you too i love when someone i date has things like i love when they have a passion an interest stuff they don't need me to do exactly teach me show me the world yeah i want to be jasmine on the blanket you show me your world yeah yeah and otherwise like what are you gonna talk about also this is what friends are for you know what i mean like right right you i think so often in these situations you try you think that like oh your partner should be everything it's like no you you need to have like other people in your life right when men want to get out of relationships with women they tend to turn themselves into the most crazy version of someone that doesn't really exist yeah so what you do is you you create a straw man you turn yourself into the straw man so he's saying i am so into music the person i'm with has to be as into music and classicals and indie rock bands as i am or i could never live and that's just not human beings yeah this is like the op like 500 days of summer but the opposite you know right let's do another email we have an advice email we have a screenshot we love a screenshot brian you want to read it to us yeah hi j and j long time listener and subscriber coming to jared's show in vancouver and congrats to jay dana and mike and ronnie on their baby girls amazing love it vancouver i'm coming to vancouver tempe i'm also going to this is coming out the fourth i am coming out or the sixth new york city new york city we're doing a show toronto very few tickets left let's go i'm looking oh la sorry you're good los angeles i'm doing a show in la for the netflix is a joke festival come come come basically anywhere anywhere everywhere jaredfree.com at the same time i'm looking for advice on when and how to disclose having herpes to a potential partner i was diagnosed about a year ago and chose to be upfront because it weighs on me if i'm not honest okay recently i told someone on a first date the date was going really well and we ended up back at his place since sex felt like a real possibility i told him i have herpes he said he didn't know much about it so i explained what i've learned and offered us in an article and podcast that helped me. I couldn't tell if he was turned off or just uninformed. Probably more uninformed. At this point, uninformed is probably – because I would say with most herpes talk, it's really just uninformed. I don't think – we're all aware it's out there. We're all aware that anytime you get a cold sore – Yeah, that's herpes. Someone goes, oh, that's herpes, and you're like, well, should I change my whole life around? and then the doctor you say to the doctor and they go no yeah they go they literally tell you it's nothing yeah just don't kiss anyone right unless they have unless you want to give them herpes well unless that's your goal yeah that's uh but i'm saying like even the doctors seemingly because i've i've had the conversation with doctor i go what should i do here anything you know like Like, you know, sometimes I get like a culture and like the deep, the depths of my mouth, they go, no, that's inside. That's different. And you go, OK. Yeah. So I and they and they look at you, they go, continue on. Yeah, basically. Yeah. And so with this stuff and you get kind of sweaty talking about it because you don't want to, you know, someone is dealing with it in this in the way this person is dealing with it. And you go, OK, I don't want to have to. So it is uncomfortable, but we fear what we don't know. Yeah. So let's go to the text. We'll read the text. You be, I guess. I can be the lady. You be the lady. We can can't stereotypes in here. Okay. Go for it. Good night. There's still an hour left in this movie. Dot, dot, dot. Lol, good thing you're not tired. Also, here's that podcast. This was also really helpful for me. I hope that you'd still like to see me again. I had a really great time with you and I love to get to know you more And then no answer Uh uh the next day talk about a text you want a response from yeah at least a thumbs up would be something a thumbs up would actually make me you know run into traffic i i hey here's this information about herpes uh would love to see you again cool so she she followed up the next day hi i hope you're having a good day would love to know your thoughts on the above i'm feeling a bit vulnerable and maybe a touch embarrassed he writes hi thanks you too hope you're having a good day you too oh and the other stuff that you're very vulnerable about i just got back from a forest run with odin because that's his dog yeah or he's like a i mean like a viking right we got thor writing back but talk about a type of a forest run with my dog odin yeah i'm literally looking at what this guy looks like and running some errands i'll stream that podcast today no acknowledgement of her vulnerability no you know this is a tough text back there's gonna be a point and i would say to this person like i can't tell them how to feel if i text someone hey this thing that's really important to me that i brought up on the date i do like you and would love to see a future with you um and i'm feeling vulnerable and embarrassed Right, and then they don't even acknowledge any of that or make me feel a little bit better. Then I'm kind of turned off by that, and I think what she needs to hear is it's okay to be turned off. The name of the podcast is Sawbones, the herpes Thanksgiving special. I mean, this is like Charlie Brown Christmas, I have herpes. Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine. well i i if they're doing the misguided medicine podcast i think that's like a very great idea and worth listening to to head to plug city do we want to read the rest of it yeah so she wrote after i left i texted saying i hope to see him again oh we already talked about that i'll just read it after i left i texted saying i hope to see him again since we had talked about another date he replied the next afternoon after i followed up i didn't acknowledge what i said and hasn't mentioned the podcast or another date since. It's now been a couple of days, so I'm assuming he's not interested, though it felt like we could have gone out again if this conversation hadn't happened. This was a very vulnerable moment for me, and his reaction has added to the stigma I already feel. I'm wondering when the best time to have this conversation is. Is it better to bring it up early once things get physical or wait until you know someone a bit better? Looking forward to your advice on the subject. Thanks, a herpes up betch. well i want to thank her for writing in this is a tough thing to write in about i i hear her if i sent a similar text and it got no acknowledgement and was kind of like left there hanging yeah i would feel similarly um how do you feel about this i feel like she did the right thing of telling him up front especially if she feels concerned about it i think talk to your doctor probably because i know i feel like there's different cases where you are like more likely to passive versus not depending if there's a flare-up but like i think she kind of went overboard you know what i mean like you can say like hey just a heads up i have herpes there's no chance of you getting right now we'll use a condom everything should be fine but i just wanted to give you the heads up let me ask you a question oh i'm sorry to interrupt no i'm just and then but i think like a podcast an article is kind of a like you're giving him homework i had the same thought yeah If I received homework from a first date in any form, hey, read this book I've been thinking about. Did you read the book? I'd be like, get this bitch away from me. My God. It wouldn't matter what it was about. Did you read up? If someone follows up on the reading they brought up on a first date, I am like, hey, unless I really like them. Here's the thing. You can't fuck it up. That's the real thing about dating. And this is the – no one talks about this because it was a lot of dating podcasts would have to end right then and there. There is no way to screw up if someone feels a connection to you. Yeah. You and your husband are 19 years apart. There was no way to screw it up. You went up to him. Did you find my jacket? Yeah. There was no way to screw that up. It was unfuck-up-able. Yeah. And, you know, I hate to like start anything, but like, you know, Tinks, who we've had on this podcast years ago, she has this thing called the box theory. And I really don't like it because I think it's – I don't know what the box theory is. The box theory is men meet you and decide right away whether they want to fuck you or date you. Okay. And they put you into one box or the other. I think it's a demeaning way to be given advice. I think it actually takes away the other side of the story. I think it also – if you're living that way, like I don't think men generally, genuinely, I don't think most people – I think that's like an evil way to look at someone. I also don't think men are that deep. Well, that's my point. Yeah. They'll still fuck you while they want to date you. Yeah, exactly. So you've revealed nothing. Yeah. Them wanting to fuck you never goes away. Yeah. So this guy, you go, I got herpes and I'll send you some information. Sure. He's going to be nice on the date. He's going to keep going. And then he's going to go, do I like that person? It has nothing to do with her. Do they like how you gave the message? Did it get a little awkward when you did? Because you're not really, you're trying to process and go through it. You said it's been a year. So maybe you're just not ready. Maybe you're not your full self. And again, what you said is correct. Like if someone sent me a podcast and an article, I would think maybe they need a different way to like relay the information. I don't think they should stop being vulnerable. No. Yeah, totally. Like I think like maybe we find a new way to – here's the airplanes coming to feed it to people and like everyone needs to find out how to like explain the baggage in their hands because we all have baggage in our hands. The last thing I want to listen to is the Herpes Thanksgiving special. No. Yeah. I'm out. Yeah. I would see that title and be like, what? Right. Give me like a bullet point from WebMD at least or something. Right. And well, what you just said, hey, I'm not going to – you want to show confidence. Yeah. I'm not going to give you herpes. I just want you to know because I think it's important that people know these things. Yeah, exactly. I'm not going to give it to you because I – honestly, you have to be so read up on it yourself that you can confidently give the information to others. Well, that's like in the gay community, obviously. HIV had prominence or much more before, but now there's PrEP. And there's also people who are HIV positive who are on medication who can't transmit it, even if they tried. So it's just saying those basic, easy things. This is what it is. And if I want to do more research about it, I will. Well, that's the other thing about the gay community with HIV. like they got so read up on it yeah you know i think that was like the power of like the movement so to speak is like every you know the prep and the fact that you know hey this is what people take and these are the versions and this is you have no way and and and you knowledge is power like now we're a dare episode now we're you know now it's nickelodeon here but like i mean i'm not on the apps but i know that they'll be like on prep in their bio you know what i mean or like This will say positive, non-transmittable. Always been my envy of the gay community. This is my true envy. And again, it's male-female stuff. Because it's not gay-not-gay. It's male-female. Because if I could put in my profile my exact type of woman, you guys are like, I'm looking for an otter. What's an otter? Otter, he points at Joe. A skinny, hairy guy. That is how this is. I mean, this should tell people about like this is this should tell people about the male, you know, like search for for sex is it is specific. There are types, but we're not allowed to have a type. I'm not allowed to have a type as a man because I would look like I was being disgusting. I would say that those I was like, I like thinner, hairier women. i would say though those men are typically looked at douchier than others the ones that put their type out there they're like super specific like if they're like no fats no femmes like that's like fuck that guy well there's but there you have invented a classier way to communicate yeah yeah but i will say there is like i i do get when someone's like i prefer fit people because i am a fit person but i guess you can't really even do that in the straight community no yeah i like curvier women yeah there you go you can't say that i can't say that yeah what's you know it becomes this thing of like you could buy a t-shirt that says it at the jersey shore right but you can't put it in your dating app profile this is my envy of the gay community and i i think it translates to the prep stuff and hiv i think it'd be and there's not this like stepping on you know uh there's a tiptoe that goes on with straight relationships that i think we'd be better off if we did it a little bit more like the you know lgbtq plus communication right that's right right back to it but sort of this person like i think how they said it they could work on their speech yeah the fact that they said it good for you vulnerability is great there will be so and again to go back to that box theory like well he doesn't you know i think it's just you didn't get along yeah and i i it's hard for me to tell them how to feel because i'm sure they feel like shit yeah i think they did the right thing though and i mean at least you're putting yourself out there yeah and let's let's i think working on the speech yeah and how you tell people about it that's always helpful it's helpful for me if like if i was with someone that said to me like just gonna give you the rundown yeah and confidently like not right i'm so embarrassed Hey, listen to this podcast. Give me your takeaways. I don't know. Maybe I'll miss something. Maybe he's like, oh, damn, she fucks. She has herpes. Well, yeah. That's like the way my dad would imply it. He'd be like, oh, been around. But in a good way, I would say. I would take it in a good way. I would take it in a good way. Right. I don't know. Well, yeah, I want to know that you fuck, but also I want to know we're all okay, which generally we're all okay. Yeah. So, Brian, this was great. This was awesome. Thank you so much for having me. I'm so happy to have you on. Go follow, follow, follow all in the description of this episode, all your socials and all that stuff. Also, I'm on a show I bet you. It's called Betches Video Club. It's a fun recap of your favorite nostalgic and current movies and TV shows. I love a movie, TV show, show, a podcast like that. It's Betches Video Club. Everyone should go subscribe just so – even if you're like, I don't know, maybe one day I'll listen. Just subscribe, get your stuff So it's in your Rolodex for the if and when When you need a show We give you the synopsis, we give you a lot of fun facts It's a lot of fun banter It's basically a comfort watch in those dark, dark times Yeah, I mean Also, it's great that you can go through their catalog And see a movie TV show That you've been kind of wanting to watch But you're like, who would I talk about this with? Well, you go watch it Now you talk about it with Betches But you don't have to talk at all Yeah, exactly So everyone go listen to the Betches Video Club. I'm Jared Freed. We'll be back next week. Boom.