Why Dating Feels So Negative Right Now ft. Matchmaker Maria

The three Gen Z kids at the Today Show, it was so humbling for me because they didn't know who I was. They didn't know I had this in my career. They didn't know anything. And it was just like, are you excited to be on TV? And I'm like, I'm excited for this opportunity, but I've been on live TV before. You have? And I'm like, okay. It's all so demeaning. Don't talk to me like that. Hello and welcome to the You What Podcast. I'm Jared Freed. And I'm Matchmaker Maria. And it is so good to be back here with you, Matchmaker Maria, and you, the listener, the viewer. If you're on YouTube, thank you for watching. If you're just listening, thank you for listening. We are here during our maternity leave era for Jordana Abraham. If you want to hear from Jordana and get updates, sign up for You Up with benefits. That's five bucks a month. Gets you two extra podcasts a month. No ads. A day early release on the episodes. and again you're going to hear from Jordana and how she's doing with the whole baby process and we wish her the best and all the love in the world but today matchmaker Maria it's so good to have you here thank you for having me I love that you called it the baby process the baby process yeah what would I call it the baby thing the baby what would you call it mothering a mom mothering mothering mothering sounds so formal I guess baby process it's a human shouldn't it be a little formal i guess i don't know i i would be like for a baby i'm like that it i'm excited to hear these episodes as a subscriber i love first of all listening to the podcast without any ads yes but also i can't wait to hear about jordana's experience because i can relate to it yes you've done it as someone who's been mothering for eight years with child for two two two experiences two experiences two children sitting at home two mouths to feed having two children yeah how does that change your perspective on the dating world i mean like that's something as a single guy you hear back from people with kids nothing's that serious all your problems are nothing which kind for some you know that's not everybody you as a professional understand not to be like well it's nothing you don't have to you know you don't have two kids but my bullshit meter is way more sensitive since having kids so i can kind of sniff out when i'm talking to someone who's telling me you know what they're looking for and i'm like is this what you really want or is this what you think you're familiar with because you've engineered your algorithm to only show you this aesthetic so you have no concept of what you're actually attracted to versus what you think you're attracted to give me an example of that is that mostly men yeah yeah yeah men come to you and say i want this this and that and you're like have you seen that do you really want i mean i'll introduce you to that person if they also want to meet you but i don't know if that's actually going to work for you. What's the toughest part about dating right now? What's the thing people are dealing with? It's 2026. What's like the thing, you know, I think there's like every year it's like, it's like the new, the new alcoholic drink. You know, we go from rosé to spike seltzer to the espresso martini. I think there's, this happens in dating. What in your, your ear to the ground, your front lines, what do you, what's the thing in dating right now that people are dealing with? So as someone who talks to 40 single people a week via zoom or in person for really in-depth interviews about what they're looking for, who they want to date, what their dating history looks like. I know that last year when I was on, I said something about like algorithms are keeping people single because we all have these very different realities. But I also think that in 2026, it's also about attitude. And I feel like if you're so quick to think that the person who's messaging you is coming out in bad faith and you're just ready to say something smart so that you can take a screenshot of it, post it to threads, let the whole algorithm on that platform, you know, support you or, you know, oh, yeah, you did it. It's just coming in bad faith to the whole experience. And I think the attitude has to shift a little bit. Like if you're going to do that, just log off. Well, honestly, you know, to make it even more relatable to someone who's like, I would never post on anything. But if you if your first move is to do what you've seen has been posted, you know, like it's the environment, it's the weather, the negativity does feel palpable. I mean, you know, we did a you up with benefits episode where we had two gen z a gen z couple come on and they were they were discussing the time they were spending together and like i was like i thought the woman in the scenario was being mean like i thought she was being mean to the guy like she was like it's embarrassing her boyfriend is on with us right now like in that you can go listen to the interview and i i give her some feedback on that my feelings are my feelings you can disagree with them but i'm saying when i heard her say like having a boy like who wants to have a boyfriend like as he's on the zoom with us and she's kind of giving to and i'm like like i'm tasting it and i'm going well i know the joke she's doing i know where she learned this is a boyfriend is having a boyfriend embarrassing right and just the general vibe of it wasn't her own it was more like i'm speaking within the zeitgeist i'm speaking within so that's it right there she's speaking in that environment the safety of the zeitgeist in the environment right and i think what you're saying and men do this too everyone does right everyone does it you know and it's not and it's not even and i don't think it's even limited to a generation we've all done it it's just the difference now is that we're no longer in monoculture culture like not all of us are spending friday nights at home to watch tgif and what is steve urkel gonna do today like that's not how i do wonder what steve urkel is gonna do today what do you think steve urkel's how did he not blow up is it jameel white I mean, he did blow up, if you think about it, for one thing. Sometimes people only want you to be one thing. It's like Macaulay Culkin, who I think is so talented. I wish I could see him more. I mean, Macaulay Culkin, to lead a whole movie, you ever see, like, the SNL? Yeah. Like, when he hosted SNL? Yeah. You're like, oh, my God, this person. I mean, I've been just seeing him at the Golden Globes last month. I didn't watch it. Watch his. Okay. Because it was such a perfect, I feel like, so when we talk about attitude, And it's like I feel like he did such a perfect like self-deprecating joke towards him. Yeah. That kind of made everyone feel like, OK, I can relate to this. Right. Like I think sometimes people go into dating with different attitudes. And, you know, for instance, the woman that you, you know, you mentioned just now, her boyfriend might not be aware of what she has consumed or read. So he doesn't know the environment he's dating in. Well, that even more so. So when you meet on an app, you don't know they're coming in with their hot take, hot joke, you know, from a world that allows it. And now you're coming against another person who's in their own algorithm, in their own silo. And they're like, I'm not familiar with that humor. You know, I'm not familiar with that shot you just took at me across the bow, you know? Yeah, and now – so I've had my business for nearly two decades. So I've been able to – I've had boomers as clients. I've had Gen X as clients. And sorry to interrupt. I didn't even do this in the beginning. Everyone go follow Matchmaker Maria. You can get – Matchmaker Maria, whether you – the paid, unpaid platform, you do it all. Like she does coaching. You can sign up to be a part of her database where she fixes people up. matchmaker maria for single people is like the hub of where you're gonna get like real helpful um like tools as much as you are maybe a match you know so i think if they they need to go follow and she has a great podcast so go ask a matchmaker the podcast every wednesday she's taking questions and answering them real world reasonable advice thoughtful matchmaker maria has been here before But go follow right now and go listen to our podcast. Okay. So you have every age group. Yeah. And now we have Gen Z clients. How is that going? It's so different. It's so different than for our whole team because it's not just me in the office. I have four senior matchmakers. It's such a different experience. So everything feels like either there's no time like, oh, my God, I'm 26 and I'm not married yet. Is it over for me? Right. Or it's the other extreme where it's like, okay, hey, we have a match for you. You seem really great. I'm so happy we got to meet. I'm so happy at this interview. Let's set it up. When is your availability this week? Ooh, this week? Could we wait like two months? Do they want to have kids? I mean, I don't want to have kids for like another 10 years. So is it like aloof but on top of it? Like it's weird to be on top of it and reach out to a matchmaker while also being like, oh, not yet. And it's both genders. Like even my male clients, I have this amazing client right now. I do believe he's going to get married through us. Like I'm so sure of it. If anything, I've ever been sure in my life. He is Indian. He is Muslim. He's currently studying for his residency or participating in his residency. He's going to be a doctor one day. He is a doctor. Isn't that how it works? He's a doctor. He's a doctor, but he's in residency. I think you're a doctor in residency. That's right. He's a doctor in residency. So we have been meeting all these incredible matches for him. And he's been awesome. He's really intentional. And I think most of the women have been also really great. Now it's about chemistry, right? They have to go on the date, see if they like the way each other smell. Yeah, that's my first move. It is. I mean. Okay. Nice to meet you. I'm Jared. I really believe you have to like how people smell. It's all about order. Yeah. Just don't start with smelling them. I mean. You can get a whiff from all far away. Do you hug when you go on a first date or do you shake hands? I generally go for a hug. And you know what I do on a first date? I go for a hug and I say, good to see you. I don't like to say good to meet you. And I think a lot of – and I'll have women. They go nice to meet you. They make a point to say nice to meet you. I kind of go good to see you because we've really met. Like I'm not like – this isn't – we haven't spoken. We've spoken. I don't know. I always – I find it interesting that they change it. Do you ask for permission to hug? Only in a meet and greet line generally after a show. i don't that's and people ask me permission to hug me oh it goes both ways so i have people that in line they go can i hug you and i absolutely i'm i'm i'm game to it i appreciate sometimes they're like i'm a hugger get in here and i'm like okay like i'm i'm fine with that i think they feel they know me in a way right on a date i go for the hug so let me tell you what's different about this client who's gen z okay because he's had all these conversations with my team about like how do you envision the future looking like? And he was telling us about how he'd really like to share his heritage and his faith with his match. So that obviously will narrow the options of who we set him up with. He'll say, you know, here's what I feel like the next three years look like. Here's what I think the next five years look like. And we're just talking right now. And, you know, what are our hopes and dreams in this experience together? The women, we try to, we also have these conversations as well, but it's like their first time going on a date where all of that has already been spoken about ahead of time. It's not this very cloudy, nebulous idea. You know you're going on a date with someone with intention. The hopes and dreams have been said. Yeah. Yeah. And it's so surreal. Hey, you're going out with a guy who just said, I am looking to be married in the next three years. Yeah. So it's like, yeah. And the feedback when they go on dates is so surreal compared to any other generation because, first of all, it's so much more fun. Yeah. They're like, this is a great date. Here's what I liked about them. I don't know for a long-term match because this XYZ doesn't align my future plans. And it's not about kids. They're actually thinking in this very intentional way, which is not unique to me as an elder millennial because this is how I dated when I was 28. But it is unique to them because they haven't dated that way. I think also for that, when you're there in college, the idea of us, you and I are the same age. People did date in college. To get an MRS. Right. That was part of it. That was a joke, right? That was a joke that was going on. But also just like the idea of like this open idea of casual relationships felt very much their generation. Yeah. Like the idea that that was – to us, I think it was more of a secret. Yeah. It was more not said. I mean do you remember when OKCupid came out and it was like, I'm on OKCupid. Right. As if like I'm taking heroin. Right. The dating website people were really considered like basement dwellers. Yeah. And then with Gen Z, they're such digital natives. Yeah. And they're so incredible about it because they judge you on authenticity. No other generation has that as their number one factor. And I'm not saying this. There was a match group study that was conducted to figure out what is Gen Z valuing the most. And it was authenticity by and large Now speaking of authenticity that a good segue to what today we got to talk about You are dressed ready for Valentine Day It is Look at your shoes They wonderful Everyone go on YouTube Check out Matchmaker Maria's shoes. Oh, God. This is a workout. These are 50 pounds each. These are statement makers. These are, oh, my God, that chick likes herself some Valentine's Day. If I saw, like, if I went to an office and there was one woman dressed with these shoes, I would be like, uh-oh, her husband better have done some shit. can i just say that the walk over here yeah you're wearing like weighted shoes like it was a moonwalk like and i don't mean moonwalk like michael jackson i mean like neil armstrong yeah like i can't lift my feet now these are betsy johnson i think authenticity i like you know i wrote some notes for today today is valentine's day eve and i think it's an interesting day because it gets shouted down valentine's day as you know we hear from the same people you know this is our third valentine's day together in a row what do we do is like something blue something new do we have what's the third really oh that you've come on the show that you and i spend this week together we because it was j train yeah then last year was my podcast yes yes yes ask a matchmaker yeah go and then this year it's you up i'm so excited this is great so next year a yearly tradition we gotta well next year we're gonna do it like on the today you are literally my most i don't think i even spend valentine's day with my husband because it's such a big media day for me yeah it's a work so for us it's february 15th but you are the most consistent valentine i think i've ever had it's great to know i'm i'm warmed um well i i wanted to bring up valentine's day because you know you will have people i will say as a guy who's like whatever about valentine's as a single man you're single single man on valentine's day it's just like okay like it's like not a concern Yeah. I'm not like at home. I'm not like get the guys together. Let's have a man, a Valentine's Day. Like I, there's no societal weighing on me. I support that for you. It'd be fun to get a bunch of dudes together and do Valentine's Day. You know. Go to the bar. I've always encouraged men to go to bars on Valentine's Day. I think that tonight's like the best. The dive bars tonight are popping. Good night to go out. Good night to meet people. Good night to commiserate. Hey, you're single. You know who's single. You know who's not. If they're out on Valentine's Day with other women, maybe they're lesbian, maybe that's their persuasion. But if they're with a big group, you can assume they are single. Your local watering hole today, February 13th, and tomorrow, February 14th. And it's on the weekend, Friday the 13th, Saturday the 14th. Yeah. Dude, today and tomorrow are the sluttiest days for single. Like why? Just get off the – don't even think about Valentine's Day. Just know that the people that are coupled up, they're either at home watching some rom-com and cooking each other dinner or they're at a restaurant. They're not at your local dive bar. Right. They're not dressed down. No. They're either dressed all the way down in their PJs or they're dressed up. Lingerie. The middle ground people, you want to be looking for people in jeans tonight. I love this. I actually didn't – authenticity because that is kind of like the Sesame Street magic word. because when you're out tonight alone, you are single. When you don't do anything for Valentine's Day for someone else, you are single. Yep. When something doesn't get done for you or an acknowledgement of the day, if there's no acknowledgement of the day, then there's no acknowledgement of you. So consider yourself single. This is the most authentic your partner will be with you that there's no more authentic day than today. Yeah, and I think you get to control your narrative if you, you know, I don't think anyone should feel lonely this weekend. I understand when people do, because maybe you thought that this year you would have a Valentine. You would have someone to share it with. No one's telling you to feel lonely, I would hope. It would be a very extreme case where someone's like, you're alone on Valentine's Day? Loser. You know, like that's not going to, that's the movie version of today. Yeah. But the reality is. Some people do feel down. Of course. And I just feel like. Some people feel down on a Tuesday. But you know what? There's also marry people who feel down because they're in lonely marriages yeah and you're not in that right well we could feel lucky for that yeah yeah and that's i think you get to control the narrative of how this weekend's experience is you can you can close the blinds and right you know put on some video games and you know order takeout and just not acknowledge anything pink and red right you could do that that's totally fine or you can lean in get yourself to your local watering hole right and have a cocktail and chill out you know sit there have your phone out yeah you know what uh do the crossword i did the crossword last night at a beautiful bar I sat out I was at Cheechy's Chechyo's C-E-C-C-H-I-O I went there before I went to the cellar I sat at the bar Took out the crossword Did you take out the crossword on paper Or on your phone? On my phone Chechy's Beautiful bar I would suggest it highly as far as vibes are concerned I feel like you shouldn't do that Why not? It should be on paper. On paper. That's a, that's like a statement that I'm not looking to make about myself. Then bring a Kindle. That's another statement. Then it just looks like you're like swiping. I'm not swiping. I'm writing. How would I know that? I'm saying the paper. I think it would be saying to go back to authenticity. Yeah. You're doing it. I'm not buying a paper to do. You're doing the crossword puzzle because you want to do the crossword puzzle. Yeah. I'm not doing it to show off. Hey, he's doing the crossword puzzle. Why don't you go talk to him? Right. I have the ability to put down the crossword puzzle, look around the room and go, oh, maybe I could talk to them or have a conversation. But I just think it was a nice bar. I just think for this hypothetical person, the watering hole might be afraid to go alone. Everyone's there alone. Yeah, it's fine. And it's fine. Just go by the bar. What should someone say to someone that they want to talk to on Valentine's Day? What? What should someone say? What would a good opening line be? Do you celebrate this bullshit holiday? You go negative. No, I'm just kidding. This bullshit. I would say, what is the worst dating advice you've heard this year? The worst dating advice you've heard. And I know the answer already. What's the answer? Oh, they told me to go to Home Depot and look confused. Isn't that ridiculous? Isn't that like so anti-woman? I can't stand it. Like, isn't that like, I'm not even sitting here professing myself to be a hero. Like I'm just saying like if I – like you're telling an adult woman with a college education go walk into a place and look confused? Yeah. So Maria, what – I have some questions. Before we get into the question today, I have a little bit of a game. Okay. I'm going to give you the relationship status. What should happen on Valentine's Day? Oh, okay. Okay. All right. This is a fun game. Okay. Okay. Okay, so meet on an app. They're one month later. They've gone on three dates over the course of a month. Completely normal. Totally normal. Valentine's Day happened. What should anyone do? You have to acknowledge it. For sure. Acknowledge the day. Yeah, but you have to acknowledge it way before, like February 14th, like on the 12th. Okay. Which is, hey, Valentine's Day is this Saturday. Are we doing something? Really? And it could be man or woman. You have to? I think you should. You should. I feel like these holidays, any holiday, you have to set them up for success so that they meet whatever expectation you might have in your head. I would call that person brave and bold if they had met someone, three dates in a month, totally normal. And then they say, hey, Valentine's Day is coming up. I'd love to spend it with you. Like that to me is like – I didn't say I'd love to spend it with you. I said, are we doing something? But that's kind of what you're saying though. So? I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. I'm just saying that is bold. That is brave because you're going to get an answer. Is it bold? Yeah, I think it is. After three dates? I think it's you saying I like you and I'm spending – and I'm zoning in on you. That doesn't mean anything. Sounds like a perfect valentine. It could be if the person is on the same page. If I got that text and I was dating multiple people because I would say as someone who has been three dates in, a month in with someone, I'm generally dating other people at that time. Oh, you do it. You do multiples. You don't do one by one? Not really. if I'm like on three dates in if someone else is like hey you want to meet my friend I would go out with a friend sure okay but I was just saying that's that's both are possible right so you go what do them all together we all hang out little bachelor and we see who wins the date who gets your rose but I would I would send the three dates in you know maybe this is mean I'm willing to accept that feedback that like three dates in happy valentine's day while also having gone on a first date with someone that week that's fine you have to text them yeah i think you have to text them right but i think what you're saying is it could be true too you know it could you know listen you have nothing you could say do you want to do something and you could say yeah let's go it doesn't have to be this you can go for a walk and uh you know a valentine's day themed coffee from dunkin donuts i'm sure they'll have like heart-shaped you know donuts yeah no i okay so you're one month in but there's a label oh that's that's your valentine yeah now sure it could be dinner could be sexy sex um yeah there's definitely champagne popping six months label how is this a question i think there's a lot of people out there you could be six months in and have no label and just be seeing each other wait you said six months with label without label oh that's not that's nobody you need to break up with them break up with them today end it end it you're done you have three months six months no label but there have been dates no six months no label no dates it's a situation oh situationship six months situation you know what six months situationship that could be your 10 p.m february 14th you know you're a little drunk from the bar and you're like hey you up okay let's have a little oh wait that's the show um one year with a label what's the what's What's the plan you're making for your significant other? Dinner, drinks, sexy sex. Nothing more, nothing less. Yeah. Maybe some flowers. I don't think – it's funny because I got proposed to on February 10th. Okay. Can I tell you something? Mm-hmm. Do you know what me and my husband have an ongoing – not fight, but like our joke to each other for 10 years, 11 years. He proposed to me at a singles event I was hosting. Okay. in front of everybody in front of a bunch of strangers i don't know yeah and he didn't he neglected to tell someone he was about to propose i have no photos i feel like setting up the camera guy you know it's funny i think like from the male side the straight male side this stuff gets like delivered to you like maybe there's a lag like like the the have a photographer thing like my brother had a photographer waiting when he proposed okay but the irony in the bushes but the irony here is that as someone who has gotten what 3 000 people engaged at this point every day i get a dm of someone's engagement and i have literally over 3 000 photos like that's half of my memory of my iphone you're the reason those are my rings because of you my ring photos that but that because of you those guys know there was no you to tell your guy yeah to have the photographer ready. Like make sure the nails are done. Like these are things I know with no girlfriend. Right. You know, like I'm saying like there's a lagging drip of information that gets to the straight male world. 2015 was a different time. All right, let's do the emails. We have some really good emails. These are Valentine's Day, you know, drenched. These are flavored in Valentine's Day themes. We want you to send your emails, UUP at Betches.com. I also want you to Come to a show tonight. Tonight, tonight, I'm going to be in Times Square. That's right. New York City, Town Hall. I have two shows tonight. I hope by this time they're both sold out. The early one sold out. But we taping this early because of the maternity leave of it all And then I going to be in Toronto I think there might be tickets left there Toronto Vancouver Tempe Where else Do I have anything else on that list? I think, oh, LA, La La Land, Salt Lake City, Utah. Would love to see you in Salt Lake City, Utah at the end of March. Jaredfree.com for all the tickets. Watch on YouTube, subscribe, comment if you're enjoying this show, if you enjoy Matchmaker Maria. And also, not most importantly, I have more dates coming, but also the book i have a book matchmaker maria you have a book everyone should go buy your book everyone should buy my book but i read your book you read it yeah i forgot you read the book well i sent you the book thinking because i wanted a blurb from you yeah yeah and i actually originally copy pasted the blurb you gave on my book yeah and i was like oh you can use your blurb back yeah but no i was like oh no no let me read it like i i was like thank you you know it's funny i really like your book. Thank you. Look, at the end of the day, you're a comedian. And first of all, I have to say one thing about your book. I'm obsessed with the cover. Thank you. I think the cover is perfect. It's the one thing I didn't do. Can I tell you why I love your cover? Yeah, why is that? Because first of all, it doesn't look like your typical dating book cover. But in my mind, I'm like, well, yeah, because Jared is not a dating expert. He is a dater who happens to also be a comedian. So his, perspective is, first of all, very unique, but also I feel like this is, when I looked at the cover, I thought, oh, this is a cover-up of someone's first book. In the sense that there's going to be more books that come with this and follow the theme. I don't know if I can handle it. It was a tough process. I'm really proud of you. Thank you. And you should totally pre-order. Is that what you're about to say? Yeah, pre-order it. Thank you. The goal with the book, and you can say whether you agree with this my perspective on the book or whatever. First, it's funny, and it's also personal. There's personal stories in there that tell you kind of like what's going on in the mind of me, which is probably what's going on in the mind of a lot of men. Very validating for any woman to read it. I think that's what it's meant to do. That's how it's meant to be, is this, hey, I've had these questions. Why did it go this way? Why did things go down in the way they went down? And I think it's going to make you feel kind of like those questions could be answered i also want to say and i didn't include this in the blurb but i do want to say that for a lot of comedians who have been in that space to write these kinds of books i feel like you as the writer actually like women i hope that shows you yeah i know i think like the fear i i had this kind of when i would talk about dating i would always get like you like you respect them is what i'm trying to say and i've i've read books in the past where you know i don't want to mention names but you know them and i'm like i don't think you really it like you it's almost like a borderline misogyny right no and they think that they can do it because they're speaking with women right and it's like no you're kind of speaking at them like and again i think that's where like a lot listen i talk about my regrets in dating and like living and learning and i think that's the thing that has to be there's honest stories my other my my good friend's wife read it and she's like she was like he was like she was like you're gonna be like hearing from people yeah like you're gonna be like are you recording the audiobook yeah i'm gonna do the audiobook good it's nothing like a podcast i know i can't i know it was as exhausting you will learn what it's like to be pregnant that's how that's what it felt like that's what i'm gonna say when when i have a wife that gets pregnant i'm gonna go i've done this i've done this this is easy i get it all right let's do some emails you ready yeah i'm ready petty or prudent so we play this game here on the podcast you know you're dating someone you end it you do something after it's ended. Have you acted petty or was it prudent? It needed to be done. J&J and Eminem. I got a petty or prudent for you that I hope gets to you just in time. It did. I'm 28 female and I love Valentine's Day. Ever since I was a little girl, my favorite holiday was Valentine's Day, writing cards, giving flowers to my mom from my siblings and more. Call me cliche, but I love a holiday that's centered around showing love and spreading joy. My boyfriend, 33, is firmly anti-Valentine's Day. He thinks it's dumb, says love shouldn't be boiled down to one day. He feels like unnecessary pressure fueled by consumerism and that the expectations around gifts and grand gestures make it feel more stressful than meaningful to him. I can't breathe. It's like the most exhausting human I've ever met. Fine in theory, but in practice, he won't even say Happy Valentine's Day and it somehow always turns into a fight. Can I interrupt? Please. You know what I would say to this man? What would you say? Your mother. what you are from new jersey your mother what do you mean this is how he feels about mother's day i'm not gonna text my mom or call my mom and say happy mother's day i can love my mom any day of the year that's a good that's your mother i am so from new jersey uh microaggressions no i think you're right i think if you wanted to like joust with this person that's a great way to joust with them i think it's like not even worth we can keep reading yeah we can keep reading but i i i think anytime someone tries to bring morality into a discussion they're no longer discussing they're now trying to win yeah so does he want to discuss or does he want to win so when you say the consumerism thing like that's an eye roll from both of us we're both sitting here because we've heard that before that is like the that's the pull the cord because no one can deny that but when you bring in morality now i have to bring it to everything you do just like mother's day you have to go well consumerism so do you like who's to say what's too much consumerism what's too little we all consume so for now he has to and he'll never get called out on that you can't be like aha you bought that vc you know that vcr i almost went back to 1982 you know you bought that thing you don't need you know like i just know a guy like this um who you you know a guy like this yes i do you know who they are i could tell you exactly who they are have you ever met a friend uh who's married with kids and it's mother's day and he does nothing for his wife on mother's day yeah yeah that's the guy that's a similar well they're doing the morality play she's not my mother that's what that i mean that's okay i'm sorry your child is four i'm just saying that's the eye roll that's them using the technicality the small in the small i'm not agreeing with them you're looking at me like i'm agreeing with them i'm saying no just call them a piece of shit yeah they're a piece of shit but i'm saying that's like the move like yeah that's the moment head move i think anytime you go you anytime you go well i'm not they're not my mother you anytime you go to the small writing to make someone feel bad you're not engaging with them like this woman whether she loved valentine's day or fucking Furby's, it wouldn't matter. She loves it. It's your, it's your girlfriend. So are you going to tell her she's stupid for liking Furby's or are you going to go, this is the woman I've signed up for with Furby and without Furby? She's 28. So I don't know if she knows what Furby is. I'm trying to connect to you, but I want to, I want to, I, I, first of all, I 100% agree with you. And I think that comes down to the, and I'm, we haven't even read the whole question, But this is the answer, which is the moment one of you likes it, you have to celebrate it. Right. That's it. Or at least acknowledge it. Like in your own way. It's one day a year. To me, it's like such a nothing thing. But okay, we'll keep going. All right. This will be our third Valentine's Day together, just like us. And I finally decided that if my man refuses to do things I want on Valentine's Day, I'll do them myself. Queen. last year we received a gift card from friends to a very bougie spa in town they specifically said it was for us and that there was enough on it for a couple's massage we've never used it after our most recent valentine's day fight i booked myself a massage facial pedicure using the whole gift card the next week when we were talking about our plans for the weekend valentine's day weekend i mentioned that i was busy saturday treating myself at the spa in town he asked what i meant and when i told him he did a double take and said did you use some of the credit we were saving for a special occasion saving it was a gift i said i used it all it's valentine's day and since you're protesting something so small i'm letting you technically treat me anyway he's upset because he was looking forward to enjoying the spa together i told him he had 364 other days to plan that and to pay for it well they had the gift card yeah yeah i'm saying he can plan another one and pay for it he could if you wanted to and if valentine's day was too stupid to acknowledge then i'd happily go solo and enjoy every minute so petty or prudent if your boyfriend protests valentine's day so hard is it fair to celebrate yourself even if it means there will be no shared spa day gifting yourself the entire shared gift thanks a soon-to-be well moisturized betch what do you think is it petty or prudent i mean it's petty but i don't think that's a bad thing okay like she could have to had that spa day yeah any other day as well by herself right like you know you shouldn't have to wait for a holiday to give yourself happy treatment right right and like wellness she's petty because she chose that specific day and you know look at the end of the day healthy relationships would you call this a healthy relationship no no because healthy relationships are dependent on these bids to connect right and you need lots of happy positive bids like Like, you know, and what I mean by that is being able to acknowledge each other, being able to respect each other. And instead of telling them ahead of time, hey, since you don't want to celebrate Valentine's Day, I've decided I really want to celebrate Valentine's Day. So I'm going to use that gift card that was gifted to both of us on myself that day. How do you feel about that? And he could have said, you know what? I don't usually celebrate Valentine's Day, but I would love to do that on Saturday with you. Let's do it together. That's the healthiest way this could have gone. what you just said is exactly correct and and it's the way everyone puts down their knives like that's the way everyone puts puts their gun on the table you either want to be right or you want to be happy but that's the point is like he he if if it acted out that way she would be so like happy enthused and if she wasn't and wrote in us can you believe it took me to do that we'd go you're asking for too much you're trying to push a string you got what you wanted he he he He saw the error of his ways. He saw an opportunity to appease you on a day that you liked. It did take you making a move, but you got there. Let's be happy. And then it becomes an annual tradition. Right. Every year. This is the way we do it. Yeah. And now you – don't you like it? And you go, I do like it. But I think in this scenario, she's being petty. I agree. If I'm forced to give an answer. It's your game. Of course. I'm forcing myself to give an answer. It's petty. I think petty – matching petty – because he's petty too. his inability to like budge on valentine's day is a petty maneuver totally to say it's about consumerism is literally the definition of petty to me like to be like every holiday is consumerism right everything is consumerism at a certain point you know that's like saying you know oh you use a phone it's made by little kids and then just making someone have to deal with that like fuck you like there's a huge issue in this relationship yeah whether she wants to admit it or not like this is a breakup i yeah i'm with three years three years and he won't even like you're having the same fight about valentine's day about and then consumerism is brought up she also sucks too i don't want i'm not dear listener i say this respectfully okay you've outgrown this relationship and instead you're doing stuff like this instead of just you know participating in a relationship and compromising and learning how to work together where your needs are met and his needs are met she's caught up on this game that she's not admitting isn't a game yeah like the whole valentine's day she's like there's some people that have these arguments and they go, well, it's about Valentine's Day. We are sitting here going, no, it's fucking not. Here's the thing. I'll be personal. It's about a Saturday. Right. This is about a Saturday. This is about how you bend for your partner. I'll be personal. There have been relationships I have bowed out of because I'm like, if I'm not excited to do this thing, I'd rather not be in a thing. And I think what this guy's doing is he's trying to have his cake and eat it too. He's like, no, I'm going to not budge on this one thing that is really important to my, the way she wrote it, based on what she wrote, I am going to do this since a kid I been Valentine Day my whole life and he like he won budge here Then why is he in a relationship Because he feels lonely Right So it's like, he's having it all. Right. And he's dealing with a fight every year where he ends up winning. Can I ask you a personal question? It's about sex. Sure. Do you like, first off, do you like, yes, I do like a blunder. Do you like lingerie? Uh, I, I kind of, I, I go lingerie. it's nice that they feel sexy i like that they're more confident yeah perfect answer okay wow i nailed it wow nailed it okay so you know how around this time lingerie being sold in like red and pink i always wonder about the people who don't like to celebrate valentine's day it's like so if your girlfriend showed up wearing like a red lacy number you should be like this is too consumerism put on the black number right to be a crazy response yeah i don't know like where does the consumerism line end that's my point about bringing up morality yeah in an argument because it's such a good answer it's like what a safe answer what do you mean is it safe yeah like i love that you made it about her like well if you look if you feel good i'm just saying well listen i just think lingerie has been over considering how much porn is out there yeah it's like we're desensitized like maybe at one point that was like a thing yeah i do i mean i want in a sexual situation for a woman to have like to be like bold and in like a little bit outside of herself and i think sometimes lingerie can put you in that mood like that would be my preference yeah lingerie but now we know that let's do it now that we've gotten personal buy the lingerie lady so let's do an email you ready uup at petgers.com match ryan ria i i'm gonna let you read the email i'll let you do the honors all right hey j and j and m and m i love that by the way yeah we we get you involved love the pod and loving the latest benefits episode congratulations jordana oh i'll take the thank you i'll give you thank you i have a question that i need some insight on and how to say no and how to keep dating i 24 have been dating this guy 27 since the beginning of the year let's call him t t and i have had really awesome dates fun cocktail bars movie nights and we even went to see jared at the comedy cellar jared you're so hilarious thank you i've learned a lot about tea the last seven dates and i feel we align in a lot of ways and values now these dates always end in heavy makeouts i love that love a hype and i know he love an hmo yeah this is stupid it's funny thank you matchmaker is going to talk about hmos and how they're praying off the week and we're going to go on a healthcare discussion. But go again. Go ahead. All right. I know he wants to go further, but I want to take things slow. I haven't dated much. And after you had Matchmaker Marie on the podcast, this is so meta, I learned about her 12-date rule, and I felt that it really resonated with me. I want to wait 12 dates to have sex with T for sure. Now for my question. T started asking about Valentine's Day and that he wants to have me over for dinner, cook for me and have wine. I can't help that he's going to want more, of course. I really don't know how to communicate with him that I'm attracted to him, but we should wait to have sex after a few dates. I don't want to be a mood killer and think that I'm not attracted to him. I know that is the point of the rule, but I think I need help with language that isn't just snow and ruin our first valentines together. What do you think? How do I tell the guy I want to wait? Oh my God, I have so many thoughts. Give us some. So for anyone who's a new listener or a new watcher, if you're watching this on YouTube, and if you are watching this on YouTube, don't forget to leave a comment and say hi. I do monitor the comments. We read it all. I do. I like it. Yeah, it's fun. It's cute. I like to be on the Understand the Psychist. Well, I like to hear what people like. I like to hear what people laughed at. Oh, my God, this part is – I'm dying. That's always great. HMO. HMO. All right. So if this is your first introduction to me, hi. I came up with the 12-date rule method, and it's a really popular method for people to discover if they are compatible with someone from an emotional perspective without the distraction of physical intimacy. That's not to say that you can't do other stuff. And there's also this matchmaker Maria math. So a date counts if it's a minimum of 20 minutes, maximum three hours, and it could be a phone call, a video date, or an in-person date. And three of the 12 must be in-person. So reading this, I'm kind of looking at the math. She has had seven dates. There has had to have been phone calls or video calls between these dates, especially since, what, January, like in six weeks. Right. Typically, the 12-date rule historically is completed if you're still at 12, like if you actually get to 12, because the point is to not get to 12 with everybody. It's to break up with them. Yeah. Or they break up with you. Oh, right. Sure, sure. It takes about two and a half, three weeks. Okay. So we're already, I feel like she's way past the 12 date. I don't want someone using this method as an excuse to say like, well, I'm not attracted to him either. Like if you're not attracted to them, you should break up with them at this point. Right. Well, I guess that would be the problem. If I were you, you know, and someone was like, I use the 12-day rule and I guess I have to fuck them now. Like you're like – you've kind of misinterpreted the rule. Right. And that would frustrate me because it's like I don't know if I can explain it better than I did. Right. You know, like, because what you're saying, 12 dates, you're basically saying, get that out of your head. Now you have one less thing to worry about. Right. Since you've already decided that I don't get to that level of intimacy until 12 dates. This is my understanding of the rule. Maybe I'm wrong. That you get it out of your head so that you can concentrate on all the other things. How do they treat you? How do they treat you? Whether they like you. And then what you're saying to the other person is they you're without saying it, you're saying you got to do some work here to kind of like if they miss that mark, you might not get to 12. You're like, OK, it's been eight dates, according to Matchmaker Maria math. Maybe those were two physical dates and like, you know, four zooms or whatever. I'm not feeling it. I got to break up. Right. Well, that's the whole point that sometimes I would assume people miss. Yeah. This isn't something you have to get to. Right. This is something to help you kind of like zhuzh it out. Yeah. And I also, it's okay to tell someone, forget the 12-day rule for a second. It's okay to tell someone, I would love to spend Valentine's Day with you. I think coming over your house sounds like a really great and intimate idea. Let's see. Let's have a makeout session. Like you can say no. Like if you're scared that they're going to be upset that you don't want to have sex, you shouldn't be going over their house. So if you don't trust that they can handle their emotions, like this is – now we're in like – Well, let me give a more normal other side of the equation. Please. The other side of the equation, if someone said to me, hey, I've been having a lot of fun. I want to come over for dinner. I'm just letting you know like we are moving towards like something here. I'm getting to know you. I'm having a great time. I'm just making sure I let you know before I come over like the level of intimacy is probably not going to like grow. isn't going to happen like i don't want to be in a scenario where you think something's going to happen that won't happen i'm just letting you know i'm coming over to have fun but i'm not going to sleep over i'm not looking for that yet okay if so because that seems like a normal way if i heard that as a man it would be totally if i was like into this person and dating them i would go that's no problem of course yeah i'm excited for you to come over come over i'm cooking dinner that's not even on my mind it's on my mind but it's not that's not even like okay i'll take it off the table right if i didn't want if i didn't see a few now it's forcing me and i think this is like the power of the 12-day rule and this is forcing me jared who might not think he needs the 12 dates to be intimate no man does well i'm being kind by saying that's me that's me yeah okay i would go okay well now that this person's looking at me seriously and i need to make sure that if i have them over i'm taking this seriously yeah it makes me zone in so that's like a normal human response not what the fuck i don't think i think that's an extreme version of a person to go well if you're not fucking me don't come over like i don't think that's what's i think what's gonna happen is you're letting the guy know i'm gonna i'm taking this seriously he i think most people don't want to be bad people they go oh okay okay sounds good that's the page you're on i better catch up to that page or i better end this i mean i just don't see the difference between her saying you know whatever you just said i think is great yeah but also she could also be ready and she's like oh i have my period i don't like having sex on my period she could do that and what's he gonna do cry like you know i would say again i think in a few more chocolates you know right well i mean but i think in normal dating the guy goes oh yeah totally i I got it. Yeah. Like you would hope. Again, like sometimes we're forced to like – there's extremes, of course. And any other reaction other than, yeah, okay. Right. You don't date that man. The 12-day rule worked. Right. You're not dating the wrong person. Or don't date that guy but also like be awake. Listen. There's a little self-responsibility there. Someone can go, oh, well, he reacted a bit. I have these emails. This woman with the Valentine's Day. well we get in a fight about valentine's day every year it's like listen yeah there's a fight here that's real you know so like you you know the 12 day rule isn't meant to like make it so you don't have critical thought i i also tell people like just because you got to 12 if you're not ready you don't have sex right and also if that opportunity doesn't come up you don't have sex i think for me my husband was like 16 dates in like just because we didn't have time we were never right alone to do that you know and i will say also men don't count as much as women in the beginning yeah you know they we don't do that just generally like when i didn't tell my husband i was doing this to him sure you as who cares i was just like i'll tell you when i'm ready right i'm just not there yet i'm not there yet that's all the explanation you need but i'm saying i'm really good in bed though they go three i did say just so you know when it happens you will be wowed I said that to him. I said, I'm not. What did you say to that? That is exactly, put a Greek accent on it. Is that the Greek version? That's a terrible. Perfect. Perfect. No, that's, yeah, I said to him, I really love getting to know you. I really like getting to know you. I, you know, when I'm ready to take it to that level, I'm going to let you know. i like you i'm great in bed i got rid of all the hesitations like oh maybe she doesn't like me or maybe she's a prude or whatever you know like right and then that was it we just moved out i did not do this naked i did not do this at home i did this while we were walking like on the sidewalk okay somewhere in chelsea as one does that's like the speech that liam neeson gives to pamela no over the phone that he gives to the taken guy i have a very special set of skills the will not happen tonight but they will happen in the future if you do the right thing yeah my husband um used that monologue to ask me out on a third date i'm not kidding i have a special set of skills if you yeah i have i have the letter where he wrote it on a letter a letter yeah matchmaker maria thank you for coming on we solved dating we did we're done we did it everyone go follow matchmaker maria ask a matchmaker podcast uh go listen go subscribe also matchmaker maria's book go go go ask a matchmaker that it's all named the same thing so these are all easy things to find spotify it's on spotify did you know that spotify has audiobooks i didn't know that yeah i mean so while you're on spotify you subscribe to bedges you subscribe to ask a matchmaker podcast you pre-order jared's audiobook you purchase my audiobook right there you can have the true parasocial relationship you deserve with us that's right so we'll be back next week happy Valentine's Day. Boom. Happy Valentine's Day.