278. How Do You Mean? It’s Not What You Say, It’s How You Say It

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It's career coaching you choose for yourself. You answer a few quick questions, get matched with a vetted coach, and in many cases, you can start within 24 hours. You choose the coach, you decide the goal, and you get to talk honestly about what actually matters, whether that's a promotion, a pivot, burnout, or even leaving. There's no HR involved, no performance review lens, and if it's not the right fit, you can switch coaches. What I appreciate is the sense of agency. When you're feeling stuck, waiting rarely helps. If you've been thinking something needs to change, you don't need permission to explore that. Go to Strawberry.me slash TFTS. It's coaching focused on you. Think of it as therapy for your career. Your tone is your trademark. It's not just what you say and how you say it. It's the tone in which you deliver it. My name is Matt Abrahams, and I teach strategic communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business. Welcome to Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast. Today I look forward to speaking with Jefferson Fisher. Jefferson is a Texas board-certified trial attorney and the founder of the Fisher firm. Jefferson teaches people how to navigate high stakes conversations by prioritizing connection and clarity over winning. As a compliment to his New York Times bestselling book, The Next Conversation, he's now releasing the Next Conversation workbook to further help people apply his principles. Welcome Jefferson. I am really excited for this conversation. It's rare that I get a chance to geek out with somebody on all things communication. So thanks for being here. Absolutely. Thanks for having me. I mean, come on, a conversation about conversations. Let's go. So shall we get started? Yeah, let's do it. All right. I'm a lawyer by training, yet you've famously said that we should stop trying to win arguments. What's the approach we should take instead and why? As soon as you try to start winning arguments, you're losing. People think that in litigation in the trial world, that's all you do is win arguments, but that's really not what you do. You only have so much limited information to go off of. And so a lot of the times what you're left with is saying, okay, instead of trying to win an argument, what can I do? What I say is arguments are not something to win. There's something to unravel. It's like a line, a piece of thread or a water hose. You get knots in it. You get kinks in it. And the better and more efficient you get, faster you get at identifying and doing the not, the better the conversation is going to be. So instead of having to win, it's this mentality of having something to learn. So I say rather than having something to prove, have something to learn. So it has to do with the overall approach, right? Take this approach of learning and it's not a competition. It's more about connection and really understanding the other person's perspective. Is that a fair way to characterize it? Yeah. I mean, who wants to be around the person? It always has to be right. The person always has to have the last word. The person who is just the brick wall that can never hear another person's opinion, who wants to live in their own echo chamber. It does not build anything. It only decreases everything. The only thing you've won with that kind of person is contempt. You've won resentment. You've won awkward silence. There's nothing good that comes from winning an argument. So how best does one approach a conversation to learn? Is it inquiry through questions? Is it storytelling? How can we actually execute on that idea? Yeah. You ask more and talk less. A lot of the times it's using clarifying questions. You'd be able to probe and to get somebody else to share their perspective. It's setting the standard at not winning, not setting the standard at changing their mind. It's setting the standard to understanding their perspective. And there's a big distinction between understanding and agreeing, right? We listen for understanding and that allows us to then begin to foster that communication to perhaps move towards agreement. I particularly like asking open questions. Help me understand why, what's going on for you there. Do you have specific questions you'd like to lean into to help with that understanding? Depends on the context. I can tell I'm in a conversation that seems to be getting friction. And I can tell that the other person is starting to get frustrated and things are starting to get bogged down. I'll usually ask, what's coming up for you? It's a way of making sure that I'm communicating in that moment that I can tell something else is bubbling up underneath that something is happening deeper than what's on the surface. And I've always gotten an answer back from it. It's far better than what's wrong with you. But if I say, what's coming up for you? That's indicating, hey, I can see something rising within you that's causing friction here. So why don't we talk about it? But the key here is not to use questions that begin with why. Why is a lot more accusatory. Absolutely. Why questions can really put somebody on the spot. And I like your idea of what's bubbling up for you. It strikes me that what you're doing in those moments though is you're really observing not only the communication, but how it's being said. So a lot of us struggle with taking that step back to be monitoring the communication that's going on while we're in the midst of having the communication. Those of us who study this talk about meta awareness, the awareness of our communication as we're having it. There are certain cues and clues that you look for. Is it faster speaking, more emotional language? What are some of the things that you're looking for to show that there's some tension building up some friction? I pay attention to pace a lot. How fast are they pushing the conversation? Faster they push it, the more they typically want it over with. If I can pause, have that kind of, what's coming up for you? What am I missing? How's that hitting you? These open into questions that breathe space because sometimes that's what I'm most trying to pick up on. What's the rhythm of the conversation? That's what I'm looking for. That tends to tell me if the person I'm talking to is, are we in the pocket together? Are we connecting? Or are we on different frequencies? Like if they're on FM and I'm still on AM, there's no way we're going to be able to reach each other. We're not going to connect. Yeah. I really like the idea of pace because you're talking about it, I think at two different levels. There's the pace at which somebody is speaking, speaking quickly. But then there's the pace of pushing the content forward. As you said, a rhythm to communication and conversation. And you can feel when somebody's really trying to drive and push it forward. And both levels, both types of pace, I think are insightful to see if the person is agitated, concerned, if there's friction building up. So you need to be cognizant and focusing on that as well as just being engaged in the communication itself. I've read that you have a mantra. You like to say, observe, don't absorb. Many of our listeners have a tendency, especially when constructive feedback is sent their way, to really feel it, to take it on and perhaps get defensive. What advice and guidance do you have to help us really be present and observe without absorbing something and perhaps reacting too soon or too negatively? What I mean is you get to watch a conversation happen without absorbing all of it and deciding that, well, what they say is just who I am. So if you were to have the mindset of there is something for me here, if I'm willing to listen, then things tend to go better. I know that when you get feedback from somebody, they say, don't take criticism from somebody you wouldn't take advice from. It's a balance between hearing what they say and knowing, are they meaning it for your good or ultimately for your peril? Are they wanting to actually try and build you up? Is it something that you just feel sensitive about? Did they hit something on a nerve or are you actually interested in trying to build on with it? So it's all contextual. I really like everything you said, but the thing that really stood out to me was there's something to learn here. And when you look for the learning, especially if it's coming from a source you respect, it can be very helpful. And that can help take away perhaps some of the initial defensiveness that one feels. And approaching it from a place of gratitude and expressing your gratitude and saying thanks can really help with some of that. I want to move to a different topic. Often our meetings and conversations can go off the rails. They don't go the way we expected. You have a framework you call one frame, one issue. How can we set appropriate conversational frames at the beginning or even before we begin the conversation so that we can manage this and keep it on track in a way that we want so we don't have scope creep or anxiety that comes from that? I cannot stand meetings where you get in and they go, okay, everybody, we have a lot to cover today. You never get out of it feeling like you covered really anything, you know, because you're too spread thin rather than going deep on a few issues. It's applying that same kind of idea. When you talk about everything, you talk about nothing at the same time. So what does a frame do? Like a picture, it enhances what's in it. If I can put a frame around the conversation, it does two things. One, it enhances the conversation. It highlights it. It makes it very clear. Second, what it does is it gets rid of all the anxiety of the stuff that you might think we're going to be talking about. So if I text you and I say, we need to talk, nobody gets that text and goes, oh, high five. Yes, I can't wait. Do you see that they need to talk? It's always terrible that feeling. Why? Because you have all that anxiety about what are we going to talk about? Well, you can remove that anxiety by using a frame. And I really have it in three steps. One, I tell somebody what I want to talk about. Give them the gift of telling them what you want to talk about. Don't make them have to ask. Tell them the topic, the subject, whatever it is. Number two, tell them how you want the conversation to end. What's the checkered flag? Where are you going? What I like to use is what I want to take away from. What do I want to walk away from the conversation? And then three, I get their buy-in into it. That's as simple as, sound good? Does that work? Can we do that? Because once you get that little nod of, yeah, I'll talk to you about that. It's like an implicit contract. They now are bought into what I committed to talking to this about you. Now they know, I don't talk about anything else. There's no other collateral issues. You have a straight path. A to B, I know exactly what we're going to talk about. So it's a way of removing the difficult from difficult conversations. And now it's just talking. It sets expectations, certainly. And it sets your vision of what success looks like. And that can be helpful. It does require that your conversation partner or partners go along with it and have the same ability to focus as you do. I want to flip to talking about digital communication. You like me have a digital presence in your communication and you distinguish between transmission and connection. I think many people today, especially in the world of social media and digital communication, confuse sending a message with actually communicating a message. How does transmission fail us? And how can we create or increase the connective nature of our communication, especially in a world where most of our communication is intermediated by some technology? Technology has allowed us to communicate with people all over the world. People you and I would never come in contact with our entire life. And so it is pivotal and it's crucial to still have that technology. What I would want to see is the ability to increase the mediums. So if it's something that somebody really matters to you, it's not just communicating digitally on a text or an email. It's to see them in person. It's to make a phone call. It's to write a letter. Like diversify your communication mediums. It provides a different touch point in a way that's not going to be like anything anybody else can do that's unique to you. My handwriting is different than your handwriting, but yet you can see my personality in the handwriting. Same as yours. And I know that if you want to increase what's good about digital communication is using it to aid and support rather than using it to detract. So the take home message there is if it's significant and important, reach out. I like your notion of diversify your channels of communication. I think there's a lot of pressure to be efficient and that efficiency gets in the way. Your tone is your trademark. I think that's a very powerful statement that you make. And I agree. Many of us though are unaware of the tone of our messages. We are so fixated on what we're saying and are we saying it appropriately and did I use the right words? How can you audit your tone to be aware of how you're coming across? Well, you can say from the practical side, you record it and you listen to it. You get comfortable with hearing it. Many of us are not used to that and we'll hear our voice for the first time and we'll be like, is that how I really sound? So you could practically record it, try to improve it as you want. You could take coaching, seeing how ways you want to do that. I like to apply my tone to or compare it to music. So you think about what band would match your style of communication. There are times like if I want you to listen to me and to slow down and if I want to make you uncomfortable, I'm not going to blast ACDC or I'm not going to blast Eminem. Like I'm not going to do that if I want you to be comfortable and lower your shoulders. What I'm going to put on some easy listening. I'm going to put on some singer songwriter, James Taylor type stuff. And so that's the kind of tone of am I giving you a voice? So it's trying to find what song does your voice give? Because if I want you to be calm, I'm going to talk a little bit calmer. That's the tone is your trademark. If you're somebody who's brash and angry and mad all the time, that's who you're going to become. Your tone controls everything. And there's plenty of times you know it's not your words, it's your tone. How many times have you probably heard from your mom or somebody go, I don't like your tone. It's something within us. Or we hear somebody say something, the words might be right, but we go, you know what? I don't like the way you said that. That's what ends up controlling the day. So yeah, tone is absolutely your trademark. I really do like that saying. And tone again, I think there are two levels here. There's finding your authentic natural tone that's who you are. And that's where coaching and recording can help you. But you also were talking about using tone strategically to help you reinforce your message. So if we're having a really serious conversation, I need to reflect on what tone do I want to bring to this conversation or have this conversation have? And are there ways I can leverage tone to really reinforce what I'm saying? And I do think at both levels, it's really important. Using tone as a tool is a very creative and strategic way to help you. And I appreciate that. Congratulations on your new workbook. People who know my work know that I'm all about practical, tactical advice and guidance. And a workbook is a great way to bring that about. In your new workbook, you have lots of assessments. Your initial assessment has you asking readers if they struggle with stopping myself from protecting other people's feelings. Why do you believe we have this instinct? And why is this the first self-assessment in your book? I could imagine other things could have come first. As a society, we're afraid to disappoint other people. We're afraid of their reactions. So what do you turn to? You turn to people pleasing. And you turn to making sure that you're always last. And you give and you give and you say, I'm not worth anything unless you think I'm worth anything. And we tie our identity to how much we serve as how much we can be okay with ourselves. And so that's why I wanted to start with it. It's, hey, let's take a hard look. Let's have a cold shower for a second. Are you so focused and so afraid to disappoint somebody that you'd be willing to lower the way you see yourself even just a little bit? Is that okay with you? And I kind of have that self-reflective moment because if you want to improve how you communicate, skill number one is you have to learn to be okay, disappointing some people. I like that you start with the internal conversation first. I think that's a really important place for people to start. You know, if you're working on your communication, working on having better conversations, start with that conversation you have yourself and look at your motivations. Are they truly your motivations or are these societal pressures that you're conforming to? I like that. And I spent some time doing the assessment myself. So thank you. In your workbook, you asked readers to write an internal manual. Can you share with us what this internal manual is? I don't know that I'd want other people having my internal manual, but talk to me about what it is and how it can help us identify sort of the rules and procedures that we leverage and use. I'd be willing to bet that most people don't really take an objective view about how they communicate, how they choose to communicate. They invest in a lot of things. They know how they make their coffee. They know what goes into X, Y, and Z, but they don't know how they communicate. So the idea of a manual is to write down what you allow and what you don't allow. Because if you don't, otherwise people just have a remote control to you. They have a remote control to your emotions, to your fears, and to your insecurities, where they'd always know how to push your buttons. A manual says, no, no, hey, if you want to communicate with me, this is how we're going to do it. So instead of this idea, like a remote control would say, you can't talk to me that way. A manual has this idea of like, hey, look, if you turn to page 74, paragraph D, you'll see I don't respond to that volume. I don't respond to that tone. That's below my standard of respect. It's this idea of do you have written out for yourself how I will be communicated, how I'll be talked to, and how I'm going to communicate. Do you have any idea at all? Maybe it's okay to like write it out and yeah, it's hard because life happens and maybe you don't follow it all the time and there's exceptions and whatnot. But you need to have some kind of rough idea of what you will choose to have allowed be permitted, who has access to you in a way that can communicate that matters. I like this idea of reflecting on your communication and thinking about what's acceptable and unacceptable. I think in my manual, I'd have to have several appendices because different contexts require different operating procedures. But I do like the idea of self-reflection and using the analogy of a manual makes a lot of sense. We'll be right back to finish our conversation. But first, a quick word from one of our sponsors. Their support allows us to bring you this show free of charge. If you've ever felt like you're trying to do everything yourself, especially when the stakes are high, you're not alone. One of the biggest shifts I see in effective leaders growing their organizations comes from focusing on the right things. But that's hard to do when you're stretched thin. 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So like me, you host a podcast, you write books, you deliver keynote speeches. All of this allows us privilege to interacting with lots of amazing people. What's one lesson you've learned from these different situations, your podcast, your writing, your keynoting that's changed the way you communicate, something you've learned? We're all still figuring it out. And I find that no matter who I'm talking to or where I am, it's easy to think that they got it all figured out. And once you really start to scratch beneath the surface, they don't really know what they're doing either. And so you just have to fail enough to kind of create a pattern of what kind of works. And that's what you go with. That's what I've learned. Yeah, I think that's right. We make this assumption that everybody else has got this figured out and we don't. And in fact, we're all figuring it out together. I appreciate you sharing. Question number two, who is a communicator that you admire and why? I have a friend whom you probably know, Chris Foss. And the reason I admire him is because we did a thing on stage once and somebody said afterwards, you know, kind of like fire a nice, like, I'm the more softer side. Chris is not. He is, let's get the deal done and negotiation and that balances me. And so I always appreciate that he'll say something. I go, yeah, I think that makes a lot of sense. But in terms of kind of always walking away with something practical that is something that challenges me, I'd probably say Chris. Yeah, Chris is a great guy. We've had him on the show and both of you provide really practical, tactical advice and ways of getting into and out of communicative situations that I appreciate. So thank you. Final question. What are the first three ingredients that go into a successful communication recipe? One regulation, you have to be able to say things with control. And you do that not by controlling the other person. You do that by controlling yourself. Two would be discernment, being able to know what is true and to speak what is true, to be assertive, to say things with confidence. And number three would be setting direction, having a goal, setting your intention of the destination and to create connection with the other person. So when you're able to say it with control, say it with confidence and say it to connect, I think that's a pretty good recipe for a good conversation. I agree. Regulation, discernment, direction, absolutely key ingredients, all predicated on what we've talked a lot about, which is self-reflection, understanding yourself, being able to determine where you're coming from before you try to engage others. Jefferson, I knew this would be a really great conversation. I knew we'd have an opportunity to really engage in ideas. I appreciate your input, your insights. Thank you for the time and congratulations on the new workbook. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me. It was great. Thank you for joining us for another episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast. To learn more about communication and negotiation, please listen to episode 228 with Chris Voss. This episode was produced by Katherine Reed, Brian Campos, and me, Matt Abrahams. Our music is from Floyd Wonder with thanks to the Podium Podcast Company. Please find us on YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts. Be sure to subscribe and rate us. Also follow us on LinkedIn and TikTok. And check out fastersmarter.io for deep dive videos, English language learning content, and our newsletter. Please consider joining our Think Fast, Talk Smart Learning Community at fastersmarter.io slash learning. You'll find video lessons, learning quests, discussion boards, an AI tool, and book club opportunities. Again, that's fastersmarter.io slash learning to become part of our Think Fast, Talk Smart Learning Community. Before we wrap up, I just want to say thank you for listening. It really means a lot to hear how people all over the world are using these ideas in their own lives. It inspires me and the whole team that brings you this show. If you want more episodes and resources, feel free to follow, subscribe, and explore past conversations. We're grateful for your support of Think Fast, Talk Smart.