Thanks for listening to my call of the day, sponsored by Vibrian Super C serum, my personal solution for smoother, more hydrated skin. Super C serum is a full line of skin care products all in one model. Get 37 percent off plus free shipping by going to Vibrians.com slash Dr. Laura. Remember, you can hear my radio program daily on Sirius XM Triumph and connect with me 24-7 at Dr. Laura.com. Diane, welcome to the program. Yeah, hi Dr. Laura. Good afternoon. Thank you for taking my call. Thank you. All right. My husband and I have been married for 39 years. We generally have a good friendship. We generally get along, but we have some role sort of hurdles that we always need to get through. And I can enumerate those. But about three months ago, we both made the decision to like physically separate. I got my own apartment and he's living in the house. And we both are experiencing. I'm sorry, what precipitated that? You have to explain to me. So yeah, I'd be happy to. So my husband, I don't want to make it seem like I'm blaming him because he has problems with me. But from my point of view, my husband has always been very impatient and kind of rough speaking with me. And I've always found that very difficult and he doesn't see it as a problem. So he really didn't have any incentive to change. So that's kind of an underlying issue that we've tried to work on even in counseling, but it really seems to be just not changeable. But the second thing is he has been very frustrated with me for two reasons. One is sexually, he considers me quote unquote very vanilla and doesn't, you know, he doesn't like the idea of quote unquote love making. He wants something more exciting. So he's been pursuing trying to find some girl who has similar, you know, interest that he does, you know, sort of kinky aggressive sex. And so I found out about that. He of course admitted it. And so of course that became a problem. And then third of all, he is a really heavy user of marijuana. He smokes all day. He's trying to quit right now, but before I left, he was smoking all day. And I kind of figured it was clouding his judgment and I didn't agree with it. I do not smoke myself, I'm really against it. And so those are the reasons that I, the second reason that the girls is the main reason why I told them, we need to, I need to move out and we need to kind of take six months, nine months to figure out what we really want. And yet both of us are kind of missing each other. We do talk, we do see each other, but I really think it's important for us to take this time. Are you interested in what he said about me, why he was frustrated with me? Well, you mentioned the sex, if there's more, tell me that. The sex was big. There's a second reason too. He did not feel that, he didn't feel quote unquote nurtured. He didn't feel like I surprised him with little things. I'm sure that it's in your book, I should probably read the book, but like little surprises, little things to make him feel special. I really lacked in that department. And then third of all, he felt that I was kind of a very big burden to take care of only because he was kind of managing the household in terms of finances and cooking and shopping. And I was doing other things to kind of maintain our lifestyle, but he felt it was a burden for me, for him to take care of me without getting anything in return. Even though I've told him that I gave him plenty of return, I loved him, I supported him, I was faithful to him, but he didn't see that as particularly important. Or he thought it might be important, but not enough. You said he did all the shopping and the cooking and the cleaning, so. Not cleaning, but shopping and cooking and finances. I did all the cleaning and the cleaning and the order. And the kids and the grandkids. Your grandkids live in your house? No, no, no. But my daughter, I helped my daughter out a lot during the week. So based on... But it doesn't work. So based, woohoo! So based on his point of view, what are you going to change? Well, if I did go back, this is what I would change. I would definitely pick up a lot in the kitchen. I would shop and I would do as much cooking as necessary for him to be well-fed. I would try, I don't know if it's gonna work out with him because he's so impatient, but maybe cook with him as well. Just take that on, take that on much more. I would be less, I would try to be less reactive to his conversational style. It's just the way he was raised. His father was a real aggressive, tough guy and he's kind of like that too. I would have to ignore one of that without reacting. The women thing, that's a big question. I don't know what I would do with that. In order for me to go back, I would have to stop. Well, you left out the sweet little nothings all day, every day, to make him feel special. And that would be... Yes, yes, yes. I would need to really put my thinking cap on what he really wanted. Does he want sweaters? Does he want surprise concerts? I could definitely put a little bit more energy. I think I must have been taking him for granted, not realizing how important that was. I don't think he meant anything that you had to spend money on. Oh, okay. I think he meant little things like putting a note around his toothbrush. It says, I love you, you're cute. Chili stuff. It shows a person that you're thinking about them. Buying some tickets does not indicate you're thinking about them. Surprising them with cute little things during the day. You know, one candy kiss. With a note. I mean, I remember a couple that I knew a million years ago. Every day they would write each other notes. Every day. For 30 years, every day. Yeah. Yeah, I can't. Because each wanted, yeah, in terms of kinky, you want to experiment, I guess you can. If not, then you have to tell him that's the one thing that won't change. Yeah, the kind of, let me say one sentence here. He does not want that kind of sex with me because I'm quote unquote his wife and the mother of his children and grandchildren and he doesn't see me in that way. Oh, he wants extracurricular activity. Yes, well, I guess he, on his list of what he's gonna change, he would have to give that up. And perhaps the two of you could go to a sex therapist so he could get past the notion that to do kinky stuff, he has to go outside his marriage and it's not that you two might just enjoy experimenting. So maybe a sex therapist could help with that part. Got it, got it. So does it seem doable from all this background? Does it seem like? If you're willing to do your part and he's willing to do his part, then yeah, doable. But if only one of you does your part and the other doesn't, that's not workable. If the two of you do workable things and then stop doing these things, then we'll end up back here again. So nobody can tell you if this is gonna work. Yes, may I ask you something? Do you have any sense of how long I should give it before I return? Should I give it more time for us to kind of see a lot what it's like being without each other? You can't go back to each other until you both are indicated that you understand and you're willing to change the following things. You have to discuss that out. That you miss each other is not an omen that is gonna be okay. You can't be with a person that many decades and not miss them. It doesn't mean you're willing to sacrifice the things that they need. Yes, very clear. Thank you so much. It really made this make sense to me. I appreciate that. I'm certainly going to, I think I need to do the things that he wants me to do for my own sort of growth. You know, I feel like I was a failure in those ways. I was taking him from Grandsire and wanting him to do things that I should really be doing. So I'm willing to change. It's just a matter of what he is to meet me halfway. But his drug use and probably will be a stumbling block and his fantasies about other women becoming a sex dud out there. How old is he? 70. He feels that he missed that part of his life where he should have been experimenting and getting acknowledgement from a girlfriend and other women when he was younger because he was in med school. So he wants to kind of almost go back to that part of his life and repair it. Well, then he would not have ended up with you and the children. You got to remind him of that. Yeah, I think he felt pressure to go and live a tradition. We all look back and say, I even looked back and say, I should have played more, I worked too hard. You know, everybody does that. Everybody looks back and says, oh my gosh, the people who were wild wish they hadn't been wild and the people who were not wild wish they had been wild. At least to some extent. I mean, that's just normal. But if you go back, then you would don't have the things you have today. They think they're gonna have it both ways. That would be nice for them. It's not the real world. I'd like you to search if you have prime time or whatever the heck you have. I'd like you to search to watch a movie with him called The Butterfly Effect. It's about going back and changing things and what comes of it. The butterfly effect. I'm telling you, watch this with him or else. Okay, all right. It is brilliant way to bring to his attention. What happens if you go back and change things even for the better? No, I'll tell you, even though I haven't been a very good cook, I've been a very good wife, I believe. Please don't defend yourself with me. Just watch the movie with him. And then I'd really love if the two of you called me back together. That would be seriously good. My number, 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.
