He Won’t Go To Therapy But Says I’m the Problem

I went on this sketch my ex show. They sketched your ex? Yeah. But I- What did you do with it? So I did Emily, cause she is technically my ex. Oh. So that was my way. It would have been way funnier if you did like a real ex. There was no way in hell I was going to do that. This show- You describe her and then they draw her? And they draw her. In the end I revealed that we're dating now. Okay. As like the fun turn. It's just funny that like, yeah I don't want to take that risk of talking about an ex and saying what they look like. Of course you don't. That's like only your greatest fear. Right. Is someone retaliating against you. Right. I don't want to be in a slap contest and go first on the slap. I would be flattered if someone like drew me through one of those things. I'd be like- And thought of you to be drawn. Yes, thought of me. Yes. I would rather be hated than forgotten about in this scenario. Well I think every man would rather be forgotten about. Hello and welcome back to the Friday feels episode of the U.S. podcast. I'm Jordanne Abraham. And I am Jared Freed. It is so good to be back here with you, Jordanne. How are you? What's going on? How you feeling on a Friday? I feel pretty good. I feel like I'm getting like my postpartum groove back, which is nice. Okay. Just in time. I think I'm not sure if it's that or if it's like the weather. It's got to be all of it. Yeah, I think it's all of it. I feel like I'm like coming back into the world and it's nice. There's parts that I like feel a little weird about, but most of all it's nice. Would you suggest your timeframe, not the, you know, the baby stuff, you know, the when you got- She could take it out, take out all the sad shit. Take out the sad shit, but like when you got pregnant, if you could go back knowing how it ended up. Like if you could suggest a calendar date to get pregnant. Yes. Would you suggest your date? Because now that I think about it, right now, if you're living in the Northeast, we are starting to spring has sprung. And it's staying lighter longer. The weather's getting nicer. You're probably feeling, as you said, like you're shedding maybe the baby weight type of thing. You're getting, does that feel like this is the timeframe? I think there's something nice about that. I've heard people say that they wouldn't want a winter baby. Okay. I mean, besides having giving birth in the worst month of the year, as you know. Yeah, no one wants to be born in February. I think it's like a little bit of a double edged sword. I'm happy that like there was not much going on that I felt like I was missing. There's not really like much exciting shit going on in January and February. Right. But it can feel like it, we had so many snow storms this year that I did feel a little bit, I think I've said this before, like it felt a little bit like the shining, especially with the twin girls. Right. Like I was like kind of locked in and like, you know, there's like snow piling up outside and I'm sort of trapped in this house. There was like some moments of feeling that, especially when you're like kind of like look like shit and aren't that mobile. I think there was like a little bit of that. I just shook my head. I didn't think you look like shit, but yes, you did look like shit. Thank you. Thank you. I thought, well, it's like, you know, we're in sweatpants every day and not really like changing out of my pajamas until like 3 p.m. So I think maybe that would have been a little less intense if it were nice outside, it could have gone from a walk. Yeah, I guess pros and cons, cause I'm hearing what you're saying, but like there's some people, I know someone that was like, I would never want to summer baby or be pregnant over the summer cause you're hot and sweaty. It's like really tough and you're missing out on things going on. That's true. Yeah. Well, that's something the flip side overall, I've never done it the other way, but I think it was a good time of year. You're happy with it. Yeah. I wonder if they're going to be like annoyed with their birthdays though. Cause I don't feel like that's a fun birthday month. I think it's great. January, February, birthday. You liked your birthday month growing up. My birthday month was good because it always fell during vacation. So I have a lot of like, it felt like, you know, I would go to Florida with my family to go stay with my grandparents. It was president's week thing. That was nice. I do think also the breaking up of the winter, like as February 21st, I admit really bad depressing day, but to have that as an island in the middle of a, there's something positive. Something positive in the darkness of the winter, like to give, let you break it up, have a reason to go to dinner, have a reason to take a trip, you know, like, I think there's something good about that is the summer, you kind of get folded into the summer. Right. People have other fun shit going on. That's nothing to do with you. Your birthday can be a holiday unto itself. Okay. So, I don't know. Maybe this is the way to go. But I generally don't care about my birthday. So like, maybe that's another part of it. Like, I'm not really a birthday bet. When you were like in college, were you doing stuff? Like when you were younger, going out, Never really had. Yeah, it's my birthday. Let's go out, but like not like, what's the plan for my birthday? Like I've never- Did you ever do like a Facebook invitation to like your birthday at a bar? I'm having people at this bar. I feel like that was like a very out of college. Yeah. One time I think I did like a breakfast. A birthday breakfast. I think I moved into a new apartment and it was my own place. Like a drunk brunch? Yeah. And it was like, I'll cook a bunch of stuff and get bagels and we can start at my place. You cooked. I had like a frittata that I made in like a big pan. He won enormous frittata. One enormous, like it was like a breakfast bake type of thing. And I wanted to use my new apartment had no furniture in it. So I was like, oh, I can fit a lot of people in here. So come here, then we'll go out on the Upper East Side and we'll kind of like make our way around the town and get fucked up. Did you make a Facebook invitation for it? I probably did. Wow. Yeah. I missed the days of a Facebook invitation. Oh, people got cocky on those Facebook invitations. Those were like all the rage in college. I mean, it's literally what I do with my shows. Assemble the group chat is like a version of a Facebook invitation. It would be like, because they would have these write ups. It'd be like, assemble the group chat. You are going to have the drunkest day of your life. And guess what? It's Lindsay's 28th birthday and you're going to get fucked up and we're going to have the best fries. Yeah, you'd have a whole dissertation written into it. Yeah. Those were the days. Those were the days. Well, you know what was weird about that time too is there was no like, you couldn't send a group text. Right. Which is weird. You take that for granted now that you can just text a whole bunch of people in one message. You couldn't do that until like the iPhone. It's later into the iPhone. It is interesting that group email was before group text. Yes. And I don't know if my brain really sees one leading to the other. Like, you know, when people ask me, why did I start comedy? I would always tell the story I've told and the story I truly believe to be my story is that I'd be on group emails with people. Like, and it was like G chat. Okay. I would be on group work and I would be on a group email and the group email would start on a Monday or Tuesday and we'd be talking about last weekend and all the things that happened. And then it would be also getting ahead of what's for next weekend. Yes. It would be this group of people in their 20s who everyone's single. Everyone's looking to hang out. You got a little bit of money in your pocket cause you started a new job and where are we going? What are we doing? And then I'd be on these group emails and I would like write back and make fun of everyone. Wait, well, it's a chance to practice your craft. Totally. And when someone would go off of the group email and like come back to me individually and go, that was fucking hilarious. I'm dying at my desk. I felt it through my veins. Like I felt it. What a lost art form. You know, you were just talking before the show about like you want like technology a little bit or you want like a little thing a little bit. I feel like we kind of had the perfect amount of like using technology to facilitate social connections but not so intensely that it's sort of destroyed ever. Now you don't have to get contacted through replying to an Instagram story but you had to like the reply to an email is an easy way to talk to people but not as easy as replying to an Instagram story. Totally. There's a, you know, the toothpaste out of the tube. Like, you know, that's every slippery slope argument is like we just want this but then it will lead to all of this. You know, like if we get group emails, that's great cause it will connect us all but it's gonna lead to a version of social media that feels disconnected. Like, and you go, well, I want that but I don't want that. Can't stop the Pandora's box. Right. This is the story of life. I wish it was just that way forever and it's just not how it works. Like listen, I wish social media for me. I'm like, I was kind of cool with like Instagram a little bit of Twitter. And that's where I got my, I could do some jokes on Twitter and then I could see if it would make sense as like a tweet I would put on Instagram. I'd send it to you, remember that? Yeah. I'd send it to you. I'd be like, this feels bet you. Would you put this on betches? Can you put it on your platform so that I can get a following? And we did. That was kind of my business plan, you know? And to a certain extent it worked. Yeah. But then you have to keep changing. You have to keep evolving. Like, you know, right now, you know, V and I work together on J-Train. I noticed that like podcast clips for J-Train do better here and not as great here. Yeah, you've got to always be hustling. Always. So now my Facebook, I have a Facebook fan page. It's grown. And then it was like kind of not growing. And I'm like, the stand-up clips do way better on Facebook and YouTube. I guess I'm just going to like pour stand-up clips. So now YouTube and Facebook only stand-up clips. I see the numbers reflect that it's gone up even in this week. But I'm like, man, this is so much more, like I'm now doing the job of the social media manager and the comedian. And my job, stand-up comedian used to be for lazy losers' dropouts. And now there's this like marketing major who's taking over stand-up comedy. And you can tell like there's really funny people who can't do that. Like it's kind of the sad part. Like I know I- The funniest people probably can do that. There are comedians that I know. They feel like they work against each other, those two parts of your brain. Totally. Stand-up comedians especially are, how do I figure out how to creatively get out of doing the homework that is due today? That's a stand-up comedian. Every one of them is the same to me. None of them are, yes, I have the homework and I'm prepared for next week. And then I see those people get successful and you're like, ugh. It's all about timing. I mean, you just said you were a fan of one of those people. Yeah, I like your stuff. So I mean, that person is a marketing major. You think? I know. Okay. Well, it works. Those jokes are marketing 101. But I'm saying, you know, there's people that I can tell just don't have that. I have a little bit of both, I think. Sometimes I get worried. I'm like, don't be marketing major. Don't be that good. That makes you money. Well, it's helped me because I do have a business sense, I think a little bit, which is why we're sitting here today. But I hope I have the stand-up thing too. But, you know, we're not all things. And I say that humbly. Like I'm like, I hope I'm as good as I want to be. I think we should get rid of all the platforms except for Facebook. Bring us back. Go back to Facebook, which by the way, it's all fake news. Well, my whole Facebook page is all like AI generated celebrity tabloid things that are not true, that are doctored to look like someone's engaged or had a baby. I saw one that it was like every, there's one that comes up on my fan page. I don't follow anyone on my fan page except for you up the podcast. So I just get this like who they think I am. They think I'm like a gay Republican. Basically what I think they think I am. So I get the view, lots of so and so good stuff. I've gotten a fight on the view with Whoopi Goldberg. It sounds like stuff your mom would like to. Oh my God. And it's like in the picture is like a real looking picture of like a celebrity like going at Whoopi Goldberg's neck. They're like, it's like crazy. The other day my dad made a comment. There was a guy, so my dad has a friend who went to like a party and the friend sent a picture of him with this person we know from our past to not get into too specifics. And that person, I would describe as someone who's had trouble throughout their life. Yeah, I would say. Troubled. Troubled soul. Wasn't there someone? I asked my brothers if they knew them. Like who was like messaging you. It was a girl. And you were like, I think they know your brothers. Can you ask your brothers? I asked my brothers, they were like, I think she was troubled. Troubled is such a dark. Kind way to really go dark on someone. It's mean, but it's not mean. No, you're being caring. You're being pitied. Right, you're being totally. So this guy who, and I'm like, I wonder how he's doing. And my dad goes, great, he's doing great. He's married, great dad, good father, kids. Goes to the gym, good friends. I go, do you talk to him every day? What's, I go, you must know a lot about those guys. He goes, no, I see on Facebook. I go, you don't think you're getting like a curated version of this person and you don't know how, you're just assuming they're doing better than they've ever been known to do. He goes, yeah, and he loves Trump and he loves his family and he loves his kids. And I'm like, listening to this, I'm like, I think he likes that he puts out that he likes his political leanings. Like I think my dad's like almost like a fan that this guy is putting it all out there. And he's got a family and the kids and he's doing great. So look at how wrong they are about the Trump people. It's kind of, I think the connection, I'm like trying to like figure out what's going on in his brain. I go, wow, you've really made quite an assumption from their Facebook. A day goes by, my dad goes, I guess I was wrong. He's divorced. He doesn't talk to the kids. He went and asked how the guy was doing. And I was like, I go, don't you think it's weird that you made this huge assumption that feels a little emotional? He hung up on me. Well, it's funny as it pertains to that. It's like people are so worried about AI, but like the only people who really believe the AI stuff are the boomers. I would disagree there. Apparently like Gen Z and the younger generations, they like an easily know how to spot stuff much better than the older generation. I think there's a different version of it on different platforms. I disagree. You disagree. I see it on threads, threads being the best example that's the Instagram version of Twitter. You see people that are like, they'll say the most divisive things and then end it with a question. And it's just all... Bots? Well, it's a bot thread. Being answered by Gen Z, or Millennials being like, can you believe people even think this way anymore? And I'm like, you're doing, you got baited. Where are the olds? Just like the members of them. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. I think we're all fucked. I hear what you're saying, but I think there's a different version. I was like, maybe the boomers will just die and then all our problems will be solved. No, we'll find... Gen Z, they're all proud boys. Like all the guys, eight women are in the mannisfir. I don't get fed that stuff, but I believe it. I don't know if I get fed it as much as like, I don't know. All right, let's do the emails. Hey, listen, if you want to hear these pithy comments on the road, I am doing stand up all over this great country of ours. LA, when does this come out? May 8th. Tomorrow night. Tomorrow night, Los Angeles. The sun will come out. The sun will come out. Tomorrow, tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow you'll get laughs. The sun will come out. Okay, we're doing another verse. All right. Thank you, thank you. Have you ever been in a play at school? I was in a play. What was your role? I think I was like Santa in the play or some shit. Like it was like... What play was it? I mean, it was like, we did, I don't know. This was like a long time ago. Okay. Or an elf. Maybe you should do Broadway. Listen, I'm still waiting on my call. What's that show that they keep rotating in comedians? There's a show on Broadway right now where every few weeks they get new people. Oh, Mary, is that what it is? No, no, no. I feel like you would make fun of the theater kids though. Yeah, I make fun of everybody. Okay. I'm an equal opportunist. Fair. Right? Yeah. I like to think, make fun of myself. That's true. I make fun of the broad, the jerks, the dweebs, the jocks, the... The Republicans. The Republicans, the Democrats, all of them. All these idiots. LA, Jacksonville, Austin, Cleveland, West Hampton Beach, Miami, Foxwoods. Portland, Maine, if any of those speak to you, come to the show. I'm also going to be doing the book tour. The book tour will hit these cities. Are you ready? I'm excited to see you walk into a Barnes & Noble. Can't wait. I'll be lost. I've never been in one. I'll be at Books and Books in Miami. I'll be at the 92nd Street Y in New York. I will be in Boston, Philly, Chicago, at the bookseller, Denver, Tattered Cover. And LA will also be included in that at some point. So, Walking Red Flag is going to be out in a month. Pre-order, please. I bought the shirt. Oh, wow. New York Times best seller. Oh, yes. So, again, to save Jared from the mental breakdown, you need to do it. Inspired by jet engine silences. The Dyson Hush Jet Purify powerfully purifies the entire room, quietly, capturing pollen, allergens, and pet dander, removing odours and harmful gases such as NO2, day and night. Hush Jet, powerful, compact purification. That's quiet. Make your summer with Starbucks. Make it fun. Make it bright. Make it yellow. Make it unexpected. Make it miss the last train. Make it Friday vibes all week. Make it completely bananas. Make it oat-shaking espresso, latte, or matcha latte. Make it yours. Discover the new Starbucks iced caramelized banana range today. They'll make your summer. Subject to availability whilst on the road. Availability whilst stocks last. All right, let's get into our show. Let's do it. Okay. Let's jump right in. Let's jump right in. Let's do an Ikea picky. All right. Hit me. Hey, J and J, and the rest of the team. Whoa. The rest of the team. We got a shout out. Okay. I love you both. I went to Jared's show in Durham in November by myself, sat in the front row, and I was the first in line for pictures. Nerd, I know. I love my nerds. Do you? What up, my nerd? I'm 34 female and I'm texting with a guy who I matched with on a dating app yesterday. He's 38. We had easy conversation so far. He asked if he could call me last night, so I said, sure. And we had a good conversation. Love it. Then today we're texting. And I said that today was the day I got my dog 11 years ago. And he said, still plenty more good years left, babe, which would have been, I don't know if that's true, but which would have been fine except that he, I mean, is it? I don't know. Which one? No, weird direction for him. I would have just been like, happy birthday. 11's like not young. Right. Still a lot of good years left before you have to start taking care of it in a weird way, babe. Still a lot of good years left before you have to start putting pills in their food, babe. Babe. Hope he doesn't meet your grandma. Which would have been fine except that he included babe, big ick for someone who I haven't met. He responded with babe, lol to show that I'm not into it. Later in the conversation, he said that he wishes I were there with him. And I said, lol, smooth operator. We have not even met yet. Both of these ick me out. It feels like he's trying to play boyfriend. I would expect this sort of thing with younger guys, but not a 30 year old, but not a 38 year old divorced dad. I will note that prior to these things being said, we scheduled a date for four days from now. I'm physically attracted to him and he checks a lot of other boxes, but I worry that these little things show a lack of self awareness. Am I being picky and I should just shut the fuck up and go on the date? Or are the icks things I should take into consideration before going on the date? Thanks for all you do. Just be cool, bitch. I like this email. I appreciate that she came to the show in Durham. I hope her dog is doing well and has a lot of good years left. Yes, babe. I think she said that they had, it's very important, the details of this email where she says, we made a date for four days later and then this stuff started happening. That's the course of events, men in an ass. And then we start texting and talking, getting comfortable. I think there is a shelf life for, much like your dog, is going to die. This match on a dating app dies as well. What do you mean dies? I think the momentum, where else do we go but text each other as if we know each other? There's a little bit of like, this is why I saw some guy wearing rings that a Captain Jack Sparrow would wear saying that he doesn't do dating coffee dates. He's like, I don't do, I saw a clip from Girls Gotta Eat. I don't do coffee dates and he's wearing these rings. And you're like, Jared, why are you bringing up his rings? Well, his point for no coffee dates is that he doesn't want that to insinuate to a woman that a coffee date would say that we're not taking this seriously and all that. And I was like, well, you're willing to wear costume jewelry that might turn off a woman, but you won't do a coffee date. And it's like anything you do would turn off someone and you just have to enjoy that you do it. So a coffee date works for some, doesn't work for others. The point is to turn some people. The point is to turn people off. Don't you think it's crazy to be wearing a ring this large? What's this guy's name? He's Captain Jack Sparrow. I would never ask a woman who I'm like, wow, like she's gorgeous. She seems really cool. Like I could see some potential here. I would never risk asking her on a coffee date as a first date because you want a man that wants to impress you. Off the bat, right? If I'm going coffee, that means that I'm unsure if I even find you like attractive in my opinion, because it's kind of like I need to feel this out. A coffee date is I need to feel this out because I'm unsure if I want to invest more time, energy, money. I just, I don't know. It communicates to me. You're just that that into me. I agree. You know, you're just like, I'll set $3 on this. I 100% agree. If you feel that way, that if you're taking the money someone spends on your first date as a symbol of what you're worth, I think that's more your problem than theirs. I agree. I think you should spend less money on a first date. You don't even know the person. We're just, I think it shows a value of your own time and energy. If you ask me for coffee on a fifth date, that's weird. Yeah. If you go from dinner to coffee, there's something a little off about that. Yeah. A first date, I don't think anyone should be overly trying to impress anyone. You don't even know if you like the person. We're just trying to figure this out. And it's a show of value of your own time, energy, spirit, whatever. Like I just want to like see if we're cool. Right. And the attractive thing, I'm more attracted to someone so I'll ask them on a better date. Like I just think that's like a fraudulent take. Right. You're either in or you're not. If you're attracted to someone, you want to get to know them quicker and see if this is going to work out. So like I do think to bring it back to this email where she's like, you've already texted so much. Like at this point, I think a coffee date would have made sense. Now there's extenuating circumstances, whatever that come up that you can't plan a date and it goes long. But the longer you go and start getting into these, Hey, it's my dog's birthday. You've texted about too much with someone you don't know. And at that point, you did kind of smoke them out into this babe talk. Now he has the date. You're still texting. He's like, let me throw in some babes and there's and a couple of those things so I can make sure that we feel like we know each other more than we do. And now we're going on this date. That's four dates out. I got the date planned. Yeah. Let me go into babe talk. It just the order of operations is all off here. And I don't think you can come back from that. Well, I think to me it's more like she's getting to know his personality and she doesn't like him. The benefit of talking this much before the date is now she knows he's kind of like a cheesy babe guy in that like early way. Right. To me, it's like this is why this is like the benefit of not having a date and a date until four days from now. This is why people talk on the talk before going on a date and so that they can get a sense if they're she says I'm attracted to him and he checks a lot of other boxes. This is him showing you his personality. You don't like it. Right. It doesn't mean it's bad. It just means it doesn't you don't like it. I take exception with her. Lol, we haven't even met yet. Stop being so stupid. Like I just I you need to stop. We haven't even met yet. Of course. Yeah. You're an adult. She doesn't like that. Right. You don't like it. It's not we haven't even met yet. I don't know what he's doing. You know what he's doing. Someone likes that. Yeah. I don't like it. I don't like it. We haven't even met yet. I don't need the I don't need the the what is that called the if she liked if she went out with him. She might if you had met him and he was like babe get me a coffee. You know while you're up. Oh, we we've only been on one day. He's called me babe. Okay. You don't like it. Right. You don't like him. I don't like I think women are very scared to like again get rid of an option who checks all the boxes and is physically attractive. But like this is why we talked. This is why you should have some banter with someone before you're going to date. This date isn't worth going on. You don't like his personality. He also said I wish you were in bed with me. Is that what I wish you were I wish you were here with me. I wish you were here with me. Right. Then that's a different kind of person. It's a person has a different personality than someone who wouldn't say that. Right. You're not going to date someone like you only go up from there. Yeah. You don't go back from there. So what he's doing is date is made. Hey now the ship is heading towards date Island. I want to make sure she knows what she's going to get on date Island, which is a guy who would love for her to be laying with him in a place that's private. Yeah. So he's telling you everything. The whole idea. Well, we haven't even met yet. Like I you okay. Like I don't I don't understand. I mean, I think it's okay to be I think it's okay to be turned off by that. No turned off is different than acting stupid. Right. Turned off and then writing us to us being like, can you believe I can believe every fucking thing that's written in here? You know, she's asking. She wants us to be shocked. Right. Oh my God. I thought it's certain age. I'm not shocked by his age. I'm not shocked by what he wrote. I'm not shocked that you've never met. I'm not shocked by anything. I think you need to stop being so shocked too. Her shock is what's annoying me about the email. Like I like her. She was at my show. I'm sure she's great. I'm sure she's not a nerd as she puts it. Like all these things like I have more respect for her than this fake play she's doing for me. Right. Well, she needs to be like and she needs to villainize him and she needs you to say this guy is a cheesy loser. Right. Because it does it. You can feel like a sense of self doubt and not going out with someone who you think is attractive, who checks all the boxes, went to a good school, has a good job, you know, from the right place, whatever it is, all the boxes that individuals would have. And he's attractive and she's like, I'm not, I don't like his personality. Do I have permission to not go out with him? Right. And I think it's different. I think if you want to language it, it's different to go. I'm disappointed that a 38 year old man with two kids is trying to get in bed with me. That's way different than, I can't believe a 38 year old man with two kids. Two kids is trying to fuck me. Yeah. Your dad, your grandpa, your uncle, they all want to fuck too. Not you. I'm just saying generally. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like this idea that like, oh, I had a certain age, men get a diploma and put on their hat and go, I'm mature now. No, they're all the fucking same. Well, she right. She thought she had like someone who was not, was looking for a serious relationship. Right. You thought wrong. Wrong. I wouldn't go on this date the minute I wish you were here with me. That's not really where I'm at. Yeah. I'm sorry to let you know, but like it might feel like this date is a little bit. Not feeling we're not for me. Not feeling like we're a match. Right. All right. Let's do one more. Youupfetches.com. Oh, we have a thorough one. Did I sound like a dick? I didn't mean to be a dick. No, I didn't mean to call out, you know, Johnny Ringstone. I'm just saying. Again, it's just like this whole idea of like, I think we get too ahead of ourselves. A coffee date's great. Let's get it together. The app is quick. It's called Tinder because it was a little, a little tiny. You don't know this person, right? You're getting to know that little something. Let's see if that's a flame. Right. Let's see if it could be a flame. I'm a 21 year old female recently married. This will be as relatable as a fucking hot dog cake. And I feel, I feel like my relationship is slowly broken down in a way I don't fully understand. In the beginning, I was exactly the person my husband says he fell in love with, supportive, affectionate, excited about him and fully there for his goals. And I truly showed up that way. But from early on, there were issues. He didn't fully trust me. Couldn't, could be overly protective. And during arguments, especially when drinking, he would handle things poorly and then deflect or turn it back on me. But only after the damage was already done. There were moments that stuck with me like Christmas where he crossed a serious boundary and blamed me for it. Over time, I also felt like I was coming second to his music and ambitions while I was managing everything else, our home, the day to day, even transportation. I bet my life around him trying to show love, but it, but I didn't feel emotionally supported return. At the same time, from his perspective, he says he feels like he lost the woman that he fell in love with. He's not from the U S and he was raised with a very strong work ethic being pushed by his father to succeed. And a lot of his identity is tied to discipline, ambition and building something for himself, especially with his DJ career. Is everyone becoming a DJ? This is like the second email we've gotten with the guys, a DJ. Well, how many DJs does the world need? Enough to make all the women listening a little bit drier. Because the minute, you know, the ambition and you're so ambitious, it was a man to the B'tula. Well, there's a strong correlation between hustle, bro and DJ for some reason, like this hustle culture of like, I'm going to go out and boots to the ground, make this app and this man a sphere. Like I'm going to go to Miami and do be a man and play music on records. Is being a DJ what is the heterosexual men is what being an influencer is to heterosexual women? I don't know because there's female DJs too. You know, like there's male influencers. I think I think that right there are easy to be a DJ. Right. It must be like, as we were talking about before, like marketing versus the art. Like it must be, it must be like the DJ industry must be like considered 95% marketing and like 5% talent. Okay. In my, I don't know, but like, I know Sypha Sounds, who's a good friend of mine, hilarious comic, he's like, Sypha Sounds is like one of the original DJs. Like he's like, he would be in like, he, he's amongst like the first to do it. You know, so his perspective on this, I'm sure would be like, I'm sure he looks at a DJ landscape and he sees people with talent and sees people with none. And he kind of knows in the same way, like I know standups are like, who's faking it and who's doing it. Right. But I get to see DJ also being like one of those things where it's like you, you get like defensive over DJing and you think it's like, say it's very hard work and I'm very hardworking and I'm like, and all these other people aren't necessarily. And then the content creator might say the same thing or the influencer might say the same thing. Totally. There's a lot of correlation here. I mean, like, listen, there's same could be said about men going into standup, men starting a podcast. Right. You know, you think your voice is so great. You think your perspective is so amazing. It's a, it's a douchey endeavor. As is influencing. As is influencing. Like I think I am stylish enough, beautiful enough, you know, you want to be like me. Right. I can tell you what to wear. Totally. Yeah. So like, yeah, the male DJ thing. I don't get it. And my, my playlist kill, maybe that's it. You're a good curator of music, I guess. I guess. In the same way you might be a curator of outfits. Anyway. He tells me, well, I think especially the age 21, like what do I have access to? Yes. I have access to all the music in the world. You know, and I'm told this into all of it. Time. And then I can just go on YouTube and learn how to DJ. And then I don't think you can do that with like finance. All right. Maybe you can with like Robin Hood account. Right. If you want to be a day trader, but like, I think it would be harder to sell on people that I have no prior knowledge of the markets. Well, plus this interacts with your, with your hobbies, probably of going out and getting really drunk and partying. Right. You're doing a 21 also. Right. So I access is probably a lot to do with. Okay. He tells me he feels like I have bad energy. Sounds like something a DJ would say. Totally. That I'm always irritated that I don't support or admire him. It sounds exactly like the Kyle Amanda dynamic. I'm just saying. Admire him? Would Kyle say that? Yeah. Here I have the whole, this whole season is him being like, you don't really seem like you want to hang out with me. He was right. Yeah. And the whole and the, and the energy thing where like his, his tag line is somewhere supposed to be fun. Amanda, not fun. Oh, is that his? That's like his like catchphrase. Well, I mean, some are supposed to be fine. Amanda, not fun. Yeah. Well, also this is also like what makes a man attractive versus like an unattractive. Okay. Like Kyle's issue and the reason that everyone before Amanda went and slept with West, the issue everyone had with Kyle is that like you're 39, 40 or whatever age you are. And you're still saying summer should be fun. Right. There's kind of a shelf life for male fun. Where it starts to get a little loser-y. Totally. Yeah. Like. When does having fun seem loser-y as a man? I mean, the minute you get married. Yeah. I think when, well, you know, when you get married or get engaged, you know, the, you know, why do men of- That's why the premise of him being in the, having a Hampton share house at 42 years old while married. Yeah. You go, what are you doing here? Right. Why do you need to be here? That's why he became a DJ. Right. DJ kind of extends the shelf life. Yes. Well, I have to be here for work is different than, I just like going out to the sloppy tuna. Like that's great. It doesn't exist anymore. So sad. Look how old I'm happy to not know the places you go. If I knew at 41, the hotspots in Montauk, I would sound like a loser. Loser. Yeah. There's a point. Like there's a point. Maybe that's why men become DJs. Right. To get out of being a loser. Yes. If you're the guy on stage. You still want a part, you still want the young person's lifestyle. Right. But you know it's loser-y. Therefore you become the DJ. Listen, I'm, you see this with stand-ups. If your act is about dating until you're in your fifties. What? Right. What are you doing? Is that why you got a girlfriend? It's exactly why for my career. Well, yeah, you just look at like the dad trope is real, is there for a reason? Like at some point you got to fall to the back and be the dad who just gets people to the airport early. You know, like you're not the show. You know, like it's just how it works. Right. And you go, well, why won't men commit? Well, I don't want to just dissolve into nothing. So it's like, it's a real fear, you know? Yeah. Uh, but there's a lot of comfort in that too. Like I kind of like being in a relationship. I'm like excited for the dad of it all. Yeah. You know, again, I think continuously doing the same thing over and over again is what feels loser-y. So it's like any sort of movement is exciting. Right. And, but it is funny in this email, I kind of hear the guy who is trying to make a career and knows that his value was seen in his career dealing with the email or the woman who's 21, who's trying to be a nurturer and a caregiver. And if you're dating someone who doesn't want to be nurtured or cared for, you're not really dating someone. It can feel like, what the fuck am I doing here? Yeah. So, um, I feel like I've been slowly shutting down because every time I try to express how I feel, it turns into a defensive defensiveness or gets flipped back on me. So instead I hold it in and that turns into the bad energy he talks about. I miss who I used to be more than anything. I don't want to feel this way, but I also don't want to know how to go back to being soft, loving and easy. When I feel hurt and like things have never been truly resolved between us. He sees who I am now, but I don't feel like he sees what created that. It recently came to a head after a small argument. And now he's saying he doesn't think the relationship will work that we operate too differently and that we should be, should separate before we hurt each other more. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here feeling like I've been asking for emotional understanding and accountability this whole time. And he's been asking for ease, support and peace. And neither of us feel like we're getting it. I've asked to try therapy because I feel like we need help to even communicate at this point, but he doesn't believe in it. So my question is, are we both just failing to meet each other in the way the other needs, or is this a sign that we're fundamentally incompatible? And how do you know when a relationship is worth trying to rebuild versus when it's already too far gone? This is a very nicely written email. I feel for her. Yeah. I don't think she's like crazy, you know, 21. Married at 21. I mean, this is why they don't really recommend people get married that young. It's a big, because it's not because it's because you're not necessarily who you are going to be. Like how different are you than you were at 21? And I think that you could easily grow apart from someone that you met at 21 and not be that not, and your lives could go in different directions that you're both not looking for by the time you're 25, 30, whatever it is. Um, and I think that's sort of like, this is like a little bit of a cautionary tale about that. It's not that anyone did anything wrong. It's that you both are kind of discovering you're different people. They're turning into different people. The beautiful part. And I agree with you to give some like, listen, people get married at 21. Fine. They do. The beautiful part of when it works out is that they are like kind of like intertwined in a way that they grew up together. If they grow the same, if they grow the same. Again, this is two people trying to grow in different directions. Yes, it can work if you grow the same way, but a lot of many of the times, which is why you would hear about, we got married young. But yeah, I think that's kind of like a, that's why it's a trope of like, we got married young and it didn't work out. It's not necessarily someone's fault. I think it's the kind of thing where like it's possible it could work, but it's less likely to work than if you met someone at 30 when you're a little bit more of your fully formed self. Right. And this won't be a surprising or also accusatory. Right now it's accusatory because he's just like, I just want to grow up and be a man. I want to be self-sufficient. I want to work hard. And all I care about is getting to a place where I can feel worth and value because I can provide. This to me is gendered. Yeah. You know, like, cause she's like, I just want to home and make you feel good and make us feel like a couple of, like the way she wrote this email is beautiful. No one could deny it. Yeah. And, and someone could look at him and go, you're just giving up someone who's willing to like make you and your pursuits part of their life. But that's what I'm saying. I think you're supposed to be allowed to do that. That's why I'm saying like, I don't think either of them is wrong. To me, this isn't a case of like, she's wrong. He's right or he's wrong. She's right. It's more like you're naturally want different things for this period of your life, which makes total sense. This is like the age where that would happen or you would grow in different directions. 21, you're literally in college. Right. So I don't know who knows where they're going to be, right? Where are you going to go? I just think, you know, she's probably leaning on the idea of like, you know, if you get it, especially at that age, what is good is right. You know, like it's, everything's a little more simple. I'm married. I'm doing the right thing. I love him. That all is like good. Besides the point, though. Besides the point. You need to, he needs to grow up. He needs to figure out what he is on this earth. You need to grow up. I mean, there's an element of this where I'm like, when you get married to 21 to someone and that you go, what, what made you need to get married to 21? Right. What made you say, we have to do this now so that I can do other things? Or feel safe doing other things? You know, I think those are things for her to question. Right. You know, she's right now blaming herself on like, and I feel bad for her because her whole email is like very, it's so well. And I'm trying to make it work. And he's not trying. I must be that I'm doing something wrong or he says that I'm a different person. You have course you're a different person. You're, feel like you're failing every day. So you feel like shit. And then he's telling you, why are you being such a bad vibe? And you're like, well, you're part of my life that I'm trying to make work. And it's failing. Right. You know, she's in here's also the other thing is like, she's invested in making it work. If the takes two people to be invested in making it work for it to work, especially at this age, I mean, they got married. So that makes it obviously more serious. But like no kids, I don't know if their finances are intertwined, but at this point he's kind of like, I'd rather just find someone who's more similar to me. Right. Or who wants, who likes that I'm a DJ or likes that I'm doing all this shit. Right. I don't think he wants a girlfriend at all. Yeah, I would agree. Or a significant other. She probably should have thought about before he got married, but you know, people make mistakes. Yeah. I mean, her questions, are we both failing to meet each other in the way the other needs are, is this a sign that we're fundamentally incompatible? I think that's like a strong way to put it. I think you're just two people who like are growing up. Yeah. You know, and again, this is like sort of the issue with that intensive of a commitment that young is like, if I got, if I'm, if you met, like there, you could change, you could obviously change at any point. You could change your personality. You could change the way you are. But you at 41 with like Emily, if you got, if you got married, could you be a different person in like five, 10 years? Maybe a little bit, but you're generally like the person that you have are going to be in life right now. And right. And I've thought a lot about that. It's like, what type of, you know, boyfriend do I have to be at this point? I, and I've said this before, like for that reason, I do feel like I should be better at this. Like we should be living a life that like is a little bit more second marriage than it is first marriage. Okay. Even though I've never been married because of the age. I've learned lessons via dating and having lived life a little bit. And, you know, I think of like the arguments my parents would have growing up that were like arguments that I don't have to have. Yeah. You know, like I should be, and not that I won't have arguments, but just like, you're more fully formed. I'm more fully formed. There's no thought of like, what will we do about, you know, I don't know, there's like a million serious subjects that I'm like, I think those will be easier than maybe my parents have it. But like, I probably feel closer to her in my relationship than you. And then I met Mike at 27 when he was living with a roommate in Murray Hill. So I'm like, that feels like a very different person than I'm with right now. Did it ever feel like his pursuit of work got in the way? In the beginning. Yeah. I think there was like a time when he was working, he was, he was working all the time and it, uh, it was more like the amount of time and hours that he was spending doing that. But I think as I've gotten older, the perspective on it shifts and like so many other things with the perspective on it shifts and just the lifestyle is so different. Like when we met, we were, we were going to pre-games together. Right. Right. Right. But if one, but if like he was, if he was 36 and he still wanted to be going to pre-games and stayed the same person he was when he was 27 or became, or went in a different direction and became a third scenario where it didn't feel like he was compatible with me. I could see the relationship not having worked out. You have to either grow together or you grow apart. Right. And neither would have been like, it would have been, wouldn't have been always doing something wrong cause he still wants to do this. It would have just been growing apart. Well, it's funny, like to relate in any small way to 21, grow together, grow apart. That's the hard part about being 41 and meeting someone new. Like you have to figure out how you've already grown and making those things kind of intertwine. You have to take two, two trees that have grown on their own. Right. And try and squish them together a little bit or kind of like figure out how you, you can make changes, you know. Is that why some men would date like, are likely to date younger women. They can mold someone to their own lifestyle. Right. Or the woman that that age is willing to follow them on a lifestyle that's already built. Yeah. But that's why a lot of younger women like an older guy, there's no, no chances taken. Yeah. You know who he is. You know who he is. And you know kind of what the, that their safety, their house is built. Right. I mean, I can understand, I can understand the appeal in both directions. You're like, if you were your age wanting to date someone younger or less established, you're like, this person doesn't necessarily have the strong footing on their own. They can mold to my life. Right. I mean, Emily's younger, but I don't feel that. Like, How old is she? What is she? Like, uh, 22? No, she's 32. Okay. Yeah, that's younger. But like younger, but like, you know, very, and there's an element of like, at 32. Are, is your life in a different space than 41? Well, I also think women mature faster in that way. Totally. Like, I, I really do believe, and this is in like a hot take. I think we talked about it before. Like female 30 is male 40. I, yeah, definitely. You know, like, and vice versa. So like there are things that we are both ready for. Right. That you wouldn't have been ready for at 32. No, not even a little. Right. I wasn't ready at 38, you know, but I don't know. It's a, and, and like changing my life now to like have someone else be involved in it, like that is somewhat easier, you know, and change. And I don't think it was as easy a couple of years ago, but that's also like going through like, you know, did you like doing things on your own? You know, right? Did you enjoy those things, experiencing those things alone? Yeah. I think it all factors into this thing. And that's why like when she's writing this, like if someone were to, I would have guessed more in the breakup direction than not, not knowing anything else besides their age. Yeah. I mean, she tried for therapy when he says no to therapy. He's not interested in making it work. Right. The, you're negotiating against yourself. So I think it's. Is that why men say I don't believe in therapy? Right. It's weird to say I don't believe in it. Like she's asking him to go to a mystic. Like men do talk about a therapist like they talk about like a tarot reader. Yeah. I think it's because men, if I to give an answer that's not going to be likeable. Okay. I think men are fixers. You know, if a woman tells me she's sick, I'm like, what do you need? Hospital? But she's presenting the option to fix it with this facilitated fixing. Sometimes it feels like therapy is just this ongoing, never ending work in progress that one thing we'll find the next thing we'll find the next thing. And there's no. It's like a linear. There's no like. There's the end. Well, the house is. We're fixed. Done. We did it. Right. That doesn't generally present itself. I'm sure people have found that through therapy, but it doesn't. I don't think people, I don't think that's like the point of therapy. Right. Well, right. And I don't think when I think a lot of men are like, what's the point if we're not going to fix it? We can talk about this ourselves. I, I'm not on the same page as that. I could, if I was having real issues in my marriage and my wife was like, let's get a third person in here to like help navigate this and. Right. And make this conversation more fruitful than it's already been. I would understand that value. Right. I hope. I mean, I think it's kind of like, to me, a therapist in that case, like we keep having the same conversation over and over again. We're not moving anywhere. I think in terms of like a improvement thing, you see a therapist, they can help you move, like get this conversation from being stuck in a circular nonending motion and like, move on from that. Right. I, I guess what I would want from a therapy conversation is like, okay, well, what's something we can repeat and do. They give you that. Yeah. That's right. But I don't think men are presented with that. Like, hey, we'll have tools. Right. That we'll be able to make it so these fights don't suck as much. Yeah. But I think I agree with you. If he's not willing to do that, he's not even willing to do that. So end your marriage. So we saw, we saw up dating again. We did it. We'll be back next week. Boom.