Thanks for listening to my call of the day, sponsored by Vibriant Super C Serum, my personal solution. For smoother, more hydrated skin, Super C Serum is a full line of skincare products all in one bottle. Get 37% off plus free shipping by going to Vibriant.com slash Dr. Laura. Remember, you can hear my radio program daily on Sirius XM Triumph and connect with me 24-7 at DrLaura.com. Rachel, welcome to the program. Hi, Dr. Laura. Thank you for taking my call. You're welcome. I'll give you a little background and then we can... I ask my question. So I've been dating my husband since high school. We've been married for 15 years. I have three kids, seven, nine, and 11. I feel like we've had some ups and downs, just like most marriages do. A little bit neglected. I think we both neglected the marriage a little bit when our kids were small because, you know, you're just in survival mode kind of thing. So it was a work in progress. But this week he sat me down and told me that a few years ago he had an inappropriate relationship with one of our friends. So it started just with... Did he explain why he bothered to tell you this now? What was the point of telling you about history? The husband was sending him, this lady's husband was sending him threatening messages. So I think he was nervous I was going to find out from him. If it's been over, why is he now getting, woohoo. If it's been over for all those years, why is he getting threatening messages? I know you don't like when people say we don't know, but we don't know. and where this guy is, like, very chaotic, and it seems like he's trying to, like, sabotage our reputation or something. I don't know. It's, like, very complicated, but we don't know why now. And, yeah, I wish I could help you on that. You have any of the messages there to read to me? They were, oh, the messages from the guy, no. More like, tell your wife, like, I know what you did. tell your wife or I will. You might want to think about moving out of the town. Your reputation is going to be ruined on and off. I think it's coming from a place like he's hurt about it, but I don't know when he found out and I don't know how long he's known and why. Okay. I suggest you both go to, he didn't threaten anything physical. He just threatened embarrassment. So I think you ought to both go to the house. and sit there and say, all four of us need to talk about this. With you sitting there, he kind of loses his leverage. Yeah. So just go over there. He didn't threaten anything physical. And if you have no reason to believe, you'll be surprised. You knock on the door. Can we talk? Okay. Can I ask a follow-up? And be done with it. Maybe it's, yeah. Sure. Sure. I mean I talked to my husband in extensive detail about everything started why it started I mean everything hours and hours And so I feel like I have most of the answers like I see your point in understanding it from their side But I guess my main question for you was, like, I just don't know where to go from here in the sense of, like, I really want to keep my family together. And he like my husband is very remorseful and like very much so knows that he made a mistake. And I don't want to be like that woman that's like, you know, just dumb and not giving myself the worth that I deserve. But I also don't want to. It has nothing to do with worth that you deserve. That's girl talk. He betrayed you. Yeah. You betrayed each other. You focused in on everything but each other, which happens a lot when you have little kids. But he broke about. And I know that. And yeah. And the question is, do you want to destroy the family over it or do you want to work through it? yeah and i'm stuck with because i think i'm really okay break up the family and have some other woman raise your kids half the time go ahead no i know and that's where i that's where i'm i'm well then you're not stuck then you're not stuck i don't know so don't say you're stuck that's true i just don't know how to like what do i do tomorrow what do i do in a week like what I just don't know how to, like, what steps do we need to do to move forward to keep our kids together? Okay. Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Slow down. You move too fast. Okay? I love that song. Got to make the morning plan. Okay. He didn't own up to it for any reason other than he got caught. however it's been years and he hasn't been invested or involved in that and you're convinced he truly is remorseful people do bad and stupid things some things you can't come back from affairs you can come back from if there is total transparency and honesty and a recommitment to the family. So for quite a while, because this is relatively new for you, this is going to be just shitty. I'm sorry, you're not going to know how to behave. Should I hug him? Should I not hug him? Should I give him his dessert or pour it on his head? You're just going to go through that for quite a while. And then the quality of his true character and your perseverance will either mature this to a healthier place or not. Nothing extraordinary is going to happen soon. You're going to bounce in and out, back and forth. You're going to feel cute and adorable with him, and then you're going to say, screw that. You know? Screw that. Yeah, I mean, I couldn't have put it better myself. That's just normal. That's exactly how I'm feeling, and that's where I'm, like, so confused because I want to be around him, but then I hate him. Rachel, you screwed up. He screwed up bigger. You not responsible for his humping some other woman Both of you are responsible for not holding tight to each other when you were going through the kid phase You're both responsible for that. Yeah, and I did tell him that yesterday. I said, you know, I don't condone what you did, but I do, looking back, acknowledge that, you know, I was just in survival mode. And that's, I mean, I, you know, I was like every other person who's like, oh, this would never happen to me. And here we are. So I get that. I guess I'm just, yeah, it's reassuring to hear that. A lot of times marriages improve dramatically after something like this because everybody realized they were taking each other for granted. And when you stop that, something lovely happens. So sometimes I look at these situations as a wake-up call. yeah and that's how i feel there's just like this little voice in my head that's like you can't let him get away with this like you can't you can't just you know i don't know what does that mean something but what does that all right i don't want to hear i don't know anymore it's frivolous of course you have that feeling i want him to be hurt and miserable of course you have that feeling of course there's that little voice that says I want to F him over but if you do that you and your children lose potentially a very good husband and father yeah and that's what I keep going back to so it's okay to just like use the next when that little voice comes up tell it to kiss off okay so it's okay to use the next few weeks as just like a trial period like not no it is not okay to use anything as a trial period it is very typical for the person who was screwed around on to want to gain control at power and in fact hurt the other person by being aloof or mean or rejecting you can't do any of that stuff we're working on the marriage we're not working on vengeance yeah that's valid but it's I can use this as a time to like like you said see what his true character is going to do given that not if you're just gonna sit back and watch and not participate in the marriage no yeah okay okay that makes sense I mean What would it be like if you said something to him like, I'm glad you didn't leave us for the trollop? Yeah. I'm happy you're still here. Shh, shh, shh. I'm shh. Listen. I'm not laughing. Listen. Use these next weeks to say I'm hurt and I really have a lot of processing to do. But I'm hoping we have a lovely long life together. What if you said things like that? It's true, and it's true. What you did was very bad but looking over all the years we been together you done many many things that were very good so I'm processing this that's such a good phrase I'm processing this okay yeah I just sit back and wait and watch yeah and that's why I called because I think I know ultimately what I want. I just am like on the fence of like what I do. No, you're not on the fence. You're not on the fence. And don't you dare talk to your friends about this because they will tell you to dump his ass. They will tell you to hurt him. In a situation like this, women pool together with hostility. Don't discuss this with your friends don't it'll be negative i have not and i don't plan to so i just think i needed your push to like it's okay to move forward like i again i was motivated by keeping my family together but there's still that maybe like you said it's that girl talk part that's like this is this isn't okay you can't let him do this but no it's not okay but did is past tense. I mean, I have women calling me this happened and then it happened again and then it happened again. Now they're stupid to stay for any reason, except millions of dollars. Okay. Yeah. Now I'm laughing. Well, and that's why it's kind of a weird dynamic because for him, he's like, block this out, put this behind, like knew it was a big mistake. And for me, it's like very fresh. He's ashamed. But I, yeah. He should be, but this is new for you. You haven't known this for as many years as he has known it. And by the way, which friend of yours was this with? Yeah, a huge B is who it was with. She wasn't a close friend, but like still, right? I'm like, I don't know how you sleep at night, but that's for her to show. Okay, I still want you to go surprise them, knock on the door in the early evening and say, we need to talk this out. okay because they will lose that experience she will feel like a tramp and he will feel like an ass because your relationship with your husband has transparency his just has ugliness yeah that's for sure so go demonstrate to them something of quality. And no, you're not supposed to just forget this and get on. But in some sense, yes. You've been hurt. But you have a goal. Let's keep our eyeballs on that, okay? Okay. Thank you so much for your help. All right, sweetheart. Call me back anytime. My number, 1-800-375-2872.
