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I come from a family- Take some time and spread it out a little, if it's important to do it. I'm 64. I'm seven years sober. I come from generational addiction and mental illness. I have two adult daughters, and I have been enabled and I'm an enabler. And what I'm experiencing is, I believe, okay, I should say this, my father committed suicide when I was 15, and I have a daughter that I worry about just coming. And there's a part of the way I wanna live is, I work on me, you work on you, and we support one another. And I don't know how to draw a line between fear of letting someone struggle and showing up as, I don't know, like a water girl where I say, if you need me, I'm here. And it doesn't seem to end with years of therapy and inpatient and medication and change of medication, change of diagnoses. And I don't feel at risk of losing what I've created for myself. But I spend way too much time in my head about how I can keep somebody from either taking their life or ruining their life that I love. And it's almost like I've been told and told and told where it's like, that's all you can do. But it says, if I don't believe it's true, like if I do one more thing for this person, they'll get it and I'll have helped them get there. And I think the reason I'm calling is because I'm ruining my own life little by little. I'm making other people's circumstances like more important than my own. Financially, giving money that I shouldn't. Dragging other people in to the conversation. I've been married 35 years and it's like enough. I think I'm genuinely afraid that my daughter will take her life. It's just when. Who didn't do one more thing? Who didn't do one? Okay, I have a heavy question to ask you. Who didn't do that one more thing that would have kept your dad from killing himself? I think my dad wouldn't. It's just wouldn't acknowledge and do the work and stop drinking. And I think I saw my mother. Okay, so is that so your the answer to your question is that it wasn't somebody else? It was him. That's what you just told me. I think my mother gave up. Listen to my question. Listen to my question. I'm going to do it again. Who didn't do that one more thing that would have kept your dad from killing himself? I thought my mother could have saved him in a way. And what one more looking back and you're knowledgeable now, you've been an addict. You've taken care of yourself since then. You're clean and sober. So you're not stupid. You are probably the most knowledgeable person in this area between you and me. You're infinitely more knowledgeable because you've lived it. So having lived it, I'm relying on your knowledge. What is the one more thing your mother could have done? Tell me what it is. She could have said, I'll be with you no matter what. Instead of I quit Joe. I can't take it anymore. Right. Got it. So your mother caused your dad to kill himself because she never said she'd never leave him no matter what he did. No matter how he treated her. No matter how he lived. You wanted her to stay no matter what. And you're convinced that he would not have killed himself. Is that correct? Well, when you put it that way, sounds like she would be a martyr and do what I'm doing right now. Which is hoping that he wouldn't. No guarantee. No guarantee. Okay. So there was no none at all. Stay with me. So there was no one more thing really. Without your mom virtually dying herself and being abused. Right. Till she died. So right. Your answer is mom should have taken abuse. Till she died or he died first to keep him from killing himself. Right. So you think a person. That's not logical. It's logical. It is logical. Your mother sacrificed herself. On the off chance you'll keep your daughter alive. Go for it. On the off chance she'll get better on her own. Absolutely. You're a mother. You have no right to a personal life. Absolutely. You have no right to a personal life. You have no right to a quality of life. You're supposed to sacrifice all of that on the off chance. That will be the key for her to get better. I've never been told that. You didn't need to be told that. It's your philosophy. I'm just feeding it back to you. Oh. Mothers are supposed to not have decent lives when they have kids off track with anything. Your life stops. It's all turned over to keeping her okay. Which isn't really working. But what the hell there's always hope. That is what I believe. I believe that's what I believe. That is what I believe. I think. Yes it is. I'm just feeding it back to you so you can hear it. Out loud. Because when you said about your mother and dad. Somehow you had a glimmer of understanding that what I was saying was absurd. So right now with what I'm saying between you and your daughter you're not finding that absurd. Other people do. They say you're talking to you. I'm talking to you. You don't find it absurd that mothers are supposed to stop living. And turn themselves over to rescuing their kids on the off chance their kids will straighten out. So. Does that sound absurd. Between one to 10 10 incredibly absurd. Give me a number. It sounds like. Give me a number. A seven. Okay. Then my advice to you is to stop tormenting yourself about it. And understand you're making a calculated understood decision to sacrifice any quality of your life on the off chance that you can rescue your daughter. Although you rescued yourself. Hmm. Yeah. See that's the fly in the ointment. Nobody rescued you. No. You did it. So you. I want her to do it. Yes. But she's not you and your dad wasn't you and many people in your family weren't you. Everybody is not you. I know. So. If you're making and after this discussion with me I think you're understand exactly what's entailed in the decision. You will not have a life of any value or quality. Your position your purpose is to be available and give her everything. So she won't kill herself. Now I don't like to sound it. What. It's what you're doing sweetheart. I'm just telling you it's a good idea as long as you're clear about it. I just want you clear on your decision. I know and I realize. That that's really not my place. I don't think. Sure it is. Because we don't want to miss. Sure it is. We don't want to miss that one thing that'll keep her from killing herself. Okay. You understand where this is going now. In order for you to let go. You have to accept that she could kill herself. That's right. That's right. It's very hard for a mother to accept that you know. How does a mother accept that? That's a toughie. How is that? It is because. It is because some people are just. They don't have as much hope. No I don't think it's hope. I think it's grit. Oh honey think for a moment. Having you for a mother. Getting clean and sober on your freaking own. That's not hope. Took forever. So what you did it. Has to be a time frame before you're going to respect what you did. It was the best thing I ever did. Really. It's not hope. Like sweetheart. Hope is not the answer. It's grit. I do I see the difference. I do see the difference. And having you rescue her. Takes away her hope. Because hope is I can do this. I can have a life. I can do this. And every day. That you take care of everything. Takes away her hope. Because mommy is demonstrating. That she can't do it. So you're going to do it. Exactly. Okay. I want her to be able to do it. Too bad. Of course mothers want their kids to be able to do everything good. Has no power. Of course you're a mother. You want your kids to be happy. Successful functional blah blah blah. We all do. Just doesn't work out that way because we can't ultimately control what they are. And that's the hardest thing for a mother to accept. I know. I wish there was a. I wish there was they go check. You've done your job. Yeah. Yeah. You've been told that you've been. Checked. And you've been told that you've been. Checked. And you've been told that you've been. Checked. I don't know if I'm supposed to go on doing what I'm doing. Yes you are because I don't want you to feel that if and when she kills herself that you should have done more. That's right. She's the wild card. She could kill herself just for fun or she could do it by accident. A.哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎 face of the earth has found that one last thing. If there was anybody within 10 blocks of knowing what that one last thing is, it would be you. But there wasn't one. It was a resolve in you. And not everybody has that to make that resolve. You're special. Your daughter may not be. Your dad wasn't. You are. It's like you're giving me permission to enable. I feel like though. Yep, I am. Yep. Absolutely. Okay. So just stick with it and add more. Give her more money. You know, then when you're old and have no place to live and no food and you're homeless, you know, don't call me, but just in case. This is working, you know, because it's making me realize I have to protect myself. Hmm. Interesting. Mm hmm. I mean, I actually said the words. I'm giving you my social security buddy. And that's ridiculous. And you know, you have a second daughter who isn't pulling any of this shit. You do realize that, right? It's choice. Correct. So you have a second daughter who doesn't need you to sacrifice yourself. To lead a good life. All she needs is your love and support. Because she makes better decisions. She's braver. Than the other one. Mm hmm. I appreciate that you called Katie and you can call me back anytime. Thank you so much. You're very welcome. I'm Dr. Laura Schlesinger. I'm going to take a break. Come back with your calls at 1-800-375-2872. 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