Ep 576 - Crack Mobile (feat. Joe List & Nate Marshall)

Wow Wow West I should invest in the spider league and bring it like Thank you start that yeah, true I Didn't see it or else I would have I think I saw it in the bathroom, and I just ignored it That's a good part of the point in your life when you're like, okay? Coming my lip. I'm gonna let it literally try to once it didn't come off and over whatever I gotta do stuff. No worry about my lip corners We fired up Nice you got the lip stuff in that's good. True. Yeah That's good. That's a good cold open Nate notice. I had his come on Joe let's thank you for coming man. Thanks for having me appreciate it This is sick. I'm now here an extra day just for this. I bumped from a big podcast Also records on Monday nights in Austin I Glad you can come on man. Yeah me too. I'm thrilled and you're traveling with family That's an area of interest of mine because I do it all the time. I know we talked about it a while ago I got quote you all the time and yeah, it's fun I don't mind the actual traveling on the plane is fun to me. It's not that hard No, and we you know, I mean I don't want to throw my success at everybody's face But I get upgraded a lot, you know dealt the diamond so my son has flown almost exclusively first class, which is very nice Yeah, but we're about to he's about to turn two as well to buy him a ticket. Oh shit You're coming up on that. That's that'll be the end of I It's funny watching because some people smile at the child in first class and then other people like come almost grimace at the child Yeah, it feels like a thing. We feel like get the fuck out it Wouldn't even when they're like to it's not you or one just not you hold them it's like them sitting in a cell Yeah, you gotta pay for me You can still hold them on takeoff when they're like two-ish and then once they get a little bigger It's kind of like a gray area. Yeah, sometimes you're like my kids crying. I'm not gonna strap them to a seatbelt Yeah, sorry buddy. So yeah, you have to like yeah, like you they kind of give you leeway My one daughter's five and like for landings or like she needs to be in a seatbelt. Okay So when you had I said there's a moment where you had just the one kid There was three of you. Did you ever travel the three of you? Did you buy a row? Oh, yeah, we've done it before Yeah, we do Southwest sometimes too, which we just did as your car It's yeah Last time it was usually like my wife's really good about checking in we get early So we get to like be towards the front and like the one time we I just wasn't paying attention We're sitting at the gate next to the gate We're supposed to be at so the whole plane had boarded and then I heard my name like last call and I was like, oh, no So we all had to like split up My wife is not a fan. Was she a lap kid at that point or was she just sitting by herself? Yeah, this is when we had the two of them So we had a like but we ended up taking like one and one We just had to beg strangers to switch seats, right? Which some people are cool about some people are like not cool about that at all There's that thing you see it online with people are like Your baby's not my problem. I paid for the seat you ever see those. No, I've never seen that But it's also like that's the one thing flying with kids is nice once you get over your kid crying loudly on a pluck I don't care my kids screams and cries. I'm like And I know people hate that but it's like Grow the fuck up. Well, I don't care that the kids crying. It's just I'm gonna I'm gonna sort this out But also everybody has noise canceling headphones now Yeah, that's like the standard headphone and everyone you got 400 channel like just turn a fucking turn on mission impossible 11 and turn it up full volume. Yeah, fuck you. Yeah, exactly and yeah I don't get me wrong. I'm not like thrilled if there's a crying baby, but you are like you have the ability You don't have to just sit there listening to it Now you all want to play solo and you have first class and somebody has first class She's trying to get you out at your seat that you really want it. I fantasize about the opportunity I fantasize about like a decrepit old man and being like, please don't take this Please take my seat or a kid. My one fantasy is a kid throwing something very hard at my head Yeah, the point where I'm like bleeding I get to be like, yeah, so big deal Yeah I have like foul ball fantasy of whatever I'm at a game. I'm like picking a kid. I'm like, I'm gonna fucking make this Which I did do one time at a New York Islanders Hockey game I caught the shirt they fired the shirt and I caught it and I'm a Bruins guy So I just gave it to a kid and I felt like Yeah, I want to catch a foul ball just so I can give it to a kid and go viral You saw that lady one viral for the exact opposite. Yeah Yours Well, you know, it's funny my wife was showing me that exact clip the lady spass is a guy Now that I didn't really see the struggle to he like snatch it from her or he just caught it I think he like landed in like it just hit the ground He rushed over while everybody's trying to get it grabbed it first and then right. Yeah, I don't think he took it out Anybody's hand. She was like I think maybe touching it, but it was it wasn't her row. It was in his Row but right in front of her and she's you know a woman so she sucks it She was like reaching down so I think her finger must have been touching it or whatever, but he got the ball Yeah, yeah, it's like where is the groove? Yeah, he had the ball and then he gave it to his kid It was his birthday and then she came over but I feel bad for the guy Because I don't know if you watch the video like the woman comes up yelling and he does he goes It's like it's it's egregious People are like this guy's a pussy But he's also literally hugging his son from behind. It's his birthday He just like feels like a hero and this woman must have been like screeching and put her hands on him too So you have those moments. We're like Yeah, and people are like you're such a pussy the way you reacted we like well that was like gutter I could beat the fuck out of this woman He's also yeah, he's an old man too there's a chance he's dealt with that for Decades and just guy he thought he was out like a game with his son all of a sudden the lady's like, what are you doing? He's just fucking crush I thought you're back in the house That people call him a pussy too because he gave the ball up But you're also I also get that of like what am I gonna do just fistfight this woman like Yeah, I'll fucking take your ball you douche and then the guy got one of the players now if he gave her away Would have been even worse. Oh, they gave him the other players gave him much stuff The team gave him a bunch of shit too. Yeah, so nice the team rallied around Yeah, he's like dude. I'm sorry to deal with that bitch There's a bunch of swag from the team. Well that people were booing her So the whole section was booing and she started yelling at that it was like a wrestling match Randy Savage or something I've watched wrestling on a while Yeah, that sucks that like that lady is definitely she just to go back to her job now and everyone's like, oh, yeah You're the like asshole of the week. You're the giant fucking asshole of the week And I don't know if she's been doxed yet. Do we know that? There's I don't know for sure, but there's rumors that she's lost her job since then no But I don't know how true that is it was Oh, she should have lost her job for that though. That's I don't think so. Well, oh, they did doxer I found her first and last name in a comment section Yeah, you never know that's like kind of I'm like bugged out about that You can just be going about a normal thing and just like your life's ruined over just one spaz I know you can't even yell the n-word of the subway anymore. You know, you never know Idol money lies in your current account picking crumbs out of its belly button wondering should I eat them? But when you start investing with Monzo, your money's always busy It turns on regular investments Invests your spare change and tops up your stocks and shares. I sir. It even helps you make sense of risk and return Monzo the bank that gets your money moving You could get back less than you invest Monzo current account required UK residents 18 plus T's and C's apply I saw my wife brought the old lady video to me And then I was like she was like this lady's such a bitch then I saw a video of a old white guy and a Let's say middle-aged black guys snap They would they both went for it to be fair. Yeah, and he it was a you know contest and the black guy emerged victorious Yeah, and everyone's like he's a piece of shit And I was like, I don't know. It's a flip side. It's like the guy wrestled it from the lady. He's a hero Yeah, but then the black guy it was like an old man. So do you give it up or do you just be you know? Black as hell. I'm like not my problem It's a known thing though you give the ball to a child The elderly is like you deserve this I don't have to give this to you He did he like snap power snatched it. What if there's no kid in like a Five like a six-seat radius like you're here knowing there knowing there knowing there no kids all adults give it to the hottest lady It's hottest lady that boy, all right, I mean, yeah, I'm back Put it back in play if it's especially if it's like not your team's ball like you just I'll need this here Who start that in Chicago? I think Chicago And then other cities try to do it and you're like, that's not even our thing But then you probably get home and it's like do you would you how long would you look at that ball in terms of like? Oh, you gave it away Would you really have sentimental value? Would you just sit at home? It's kind of fun. I guess I mean I have a major league I had I got to watch the Toronto Blue Jays batting practice on the field one time and they gave me a ball And I have it and I'm like, oh that ball you get to tell you nice memory balls a real Yeah, whatever and my uncle I was at a game with him years ago Sean Green, I think he played with the Blue Jays at the time It was like a rain delay game So it was down to like a very small amount of people and he caught the last out and like threw it like directly to my uncle And that was that was the coolest. That's nice the closest I've come to a thing But I have no idea with that ball. I actually told the story to my uncle and he's like, I don't remember that at all Really I guess that's the It's in his basement somewhere. Yeah, no memory whatsoever of a professional baseball player tossing of all And then you see the tennis one with the hat that was like a big one the week before no, oh That one was crazy that guy did get doxxed. I think he was European. Did you see that one? Boy tennis is really at a low point in the United States. I guess yeah Well, it was Right after a match the guy like took off his sweaty hat and handed it to a kid and this guy nabbed I think he signed it Handed it to the kid the guy nabs it and the quickly puts it in his wife's purse And it went by and the kid was like, oh, didn't you like steal his steel though? He didn't like take it Oh, no, he took a snatch. He literally like snatched it I don't know the kid got his hands on it, but the guy the player was clearly going into him and I think he was like a CEO or some crazy shit. It was a big thing And then there was like an apology that I think might have been fake cuz he there was like a statement being like finders keeper You just lose you lose or something Did he say no, I think I remember the statement now It was like he was like this is how you become a winner you take things like you yeah Take things from people. It was something like that, but I was like this has to be yeah No way the company took that position Yeah, I don't know there was a company like that guy just be like this is how I got what I got true Not worried about what the little man thinks of me Sean looks like he has something for the folks at home. It's hard to Sift through this people magazine article, but they keep saying you just see yo he runs like a concrete company Oh, yeah, he's not like a big fat Italian guy. He's a polar. He's a yeah He's a Polish concrete guy. Yeah Polish jokes. Yeah, I fade it didn't they Polish jokes. Yeah, they fell out of favor Nobody fires them up. Yeah, that's weird. They were big when I was little they're huge That was like the only thing the Polish family got locked inside of their car What happened how they get locked in there? There's just too dumb. They didn't realize I could just open the lock I was like that one why did the Polish guy get fired from the M&M's factory he kept throwing away all the W's That was a big joke when I was a kid because then they kind of became blonde jokes blonde and Polish were interchangeable Yeah, yeah, but I don't know what are the origins of Polish people being dumb? I think they were fucking dumb. I think every I think every ethnic group came here and the Irish were like, you know, they were like lazy subhuman Italians or you know just annoying and then Polish people came here and I was like these guys are dumb as fuck But could the the origins be like the dumb people stayed behind when the Nazis were coming is that like Could that be the origin? They were probably valiant. They're the heroes I Dumb and the dumb ones got killed by the Nazis and the other dumb ones came right, right? By the way, this is not my theory That's true, I'm not like those fucking idiots didn't get out of the way the night. I don't have any position on it at all I actually heard Polish people have not the biggest but the fattest dicks out of all Yeah, I swear to God, that's the word on the curb that the polox have fat dong. So I always throw that in there as well Fat is funny because it makes it seem like they could lose it if they work Like thick feels like natural I gotta I gotta change my diet Yeah, they were obese dogs Well, no kidding. Yeah, what was the I remember looking into the exact term poloc and I if I'm not mistaken It actually applied to like Hungarians, I think they actually I forget there was some weird thing where I thought it was a slur for them Yeah, it is It originated with like Hungarians when anyone from Eastern Europe came here They just everyone lumped them together as polox basically, no kidding. Yeah, I didn't know it was a slur I've been using that left and right For Polish guy gets offended. He's a polo So it's saying you're kind of boneheaded, but yeah, Eastern Europeans are kind of a subject of fascination for me So I don't know anything about any of those countries, right? It's Google AI overview is blaming Archie Bunker for the anti Polish sentiment They said he had a Polish son-in-law in all in the family and he would constantly make fun of them Yeah, yeah, so they said that sort of started it along with like Xenophobia and stuff according to Google. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, I know they have big fat heads I've heard that too Dummy's are the fan heads from drinking another dick's art I don't know. I you know what? I was actually I was at a I was at a bar with my wife We're in Chicago this weekend and we're at a hotel bar just hanging out and there were two guys Their wives had giant fake tits and they the guys had my big fat heads and I was kind of like damn It's kind of alpha Giant fat head. They're just like arms around their fake titted wives and I was like these guys are onto something They're swinging. I got the pee next to one of the guys I didn't like look at his dick, but I was I was kind of admiring him back. Damn. I was I wish I was with you guys I'm with my fucking wife or natural tits and I'm just you guys have giant fake titted wife Like dude nipples flying out of the shirt They just sat there and like pink polos with huge heads and I was menacing me from across the bar It was wonderful. I grew up in Massachusetts. There was no Polish people. I feel like maybe though there was one wasniac in my school I forget her name, but we was all Irish Italian English. Yeah, that's like three blank people Yeah, we had zero black people. Well, yeah zero a couple Mexican guys But we had pretty much just Irish Italian and then some Polish I don't start differentiating white people until I started comedy and then y'all kind of made it clear that y'all are different Yeah, I thought like I didn't know Jews weren't white people for the longest time. They are don't let them lie to you That's what I think. I think you can hide it a little bit. Then you're not you know, I Similarly discovered Jewish people late in life as well. Yeah, I went to Catholic school for 12 years So I for real didn't know any Jewish people. Yeah, we had very few juice But it's how few Jews we had I was in Great Neck Long Island where there's a lot of I Always confuse orthodox and what's the other one? Yeah, yeah, and I think these were acidic with the thing and the man and my family member I don't want to out specifically case you get stuff, but a family member was like I thought they couldn't be out like during the day No, no, hey go out during the day they got jobs and everything it's You can't see their horns But maybe she thought use electricity on Saturday that is a thing yeah my one of my friends live next door to some of those guys they weren't the Curly guy get them confused here. I think they're orthodox. Yeah, they would have him a Gentile come to their house and like flick the lights for him Yeah, there's a lot of that. Yeah, they pay you for those services. What do you think? There's a general goodwill I think the day before 9-eleven they were like, you know, by the way, just be careful You're having a tough time right now by the way, yeah, yeah, I personally like them, but a lot of people are fucking I do I was raised in a very pro-Jew house. My dad he would always be like I love Jewish people I love Jewish people too. Yeah, he loved he's and he but it was funny because he back dude I love the Jews. I just love how they operate with their money and I feel like alright. I was a little kid being like cool You tell us he was like he would say he's an Irish Jew no kidding. Yeah, they never came isn't that Scottish folks? Scottish people are known for being very frugal Yeah, yeah, but yeah, my dad would for real I use their he would like admire the things people hate about them He's like I love the way they act with their money Just more people got to do it like nice dad not trying to bite your dad But that is my favorite thing about Jewish people people knock them for that But I think it's cool as hell to be like these are my bros. I'm gonna look out for my bros. I yep Well, yeah, they're very when you when you really look into the religion it gets a little spooky It really does like you read about it. It's like I love love the squad But like you read about what they're up to and you're kind of like But if you look at it any religion like not really dude looking at Christianity Magic Christian who's getting fed the Tigers or Lions that's Christians fucking Romans dude, and they were feeding Christians to Yeah, they're feeding everybody. Okay. Okay, Romans are feeding everybody It's not a special thing to happen when I can't was getting fed the Lions and my remember not Catholics But well Christians, okay, okay this episode is brought to you by prize picks man. You have to sound like Shane too Football is back. I can't I can't have to sound like a You have to sound like a Football is back, baby. What an absolute we put an absolute crazy week in a football week One was quarterbacks throwing touchdowns running backs running and linemen pushing each other that one Right receiver who did that one thing that was insane man. I'm so pumped. Sorry, dude I know you're you're not really a football guy You're talking about that one right wide receiver who did that thing in the one game. Oh wait So you're about that football accent. Yeah, I cooked up like 20 different lineups this weekend on prize picks It was simple quick and fun. Oh, so you about that real money feels good to be right football accent I look sends doesn't make sense But it felt so good man more on rushing yards less on kicker field goals more on touchdowns less on pass attempts Shane I did it all Wow. Yeah, man in this weekend Travis Kelsey is at max discount to Travis Kelsey Yeah, he just needs one yard for you to win on prize picks this Sunday Travis Kelsey Travis Kelsey Prize picks. It's good to be right Download the app today use code drenched to give $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup The that's code drenched to give $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup prize picks It's good to be right. Who do you think the funniest group is cuz Jews got to be up there. Yeah It's between Jews and black people I feel like don't you think yeah, you know pound through like the last hundred years or so I'd say yeah, and then third given it to the Italians. What? Italian black people love it Honestly black people want to be Italian Every time I see a black dude eating spaghetti on Instagram, they all think they're Al Capone Well very simple, I mean you have big dicks Very stylish clothing's a big deal. Yeah My wife does it she's like she'll talk about Italians like they're cool and I'm like they're not fucking cool fucking get over this cool This is a bug in your programming. They're definitely the coolest whites Well, it depends on what we're talking about like stand-up comedy funny or just hanging out funny like Italians accidentally That's Similarly with black people it's just a funny way of funny or vernacular then you know certainly but Irish really making a great push as a Boston guy. I feel like I have yeah I would say Ireland is the land of the poets for sure. Yeah, y'all y'all I like y'all a lot too But just Italians are more there. They're they're like a good Marvel movie. They're dumb funny. They are dumb funny. Yeah Italians are good, but black people might be number one. I mean think for a pound for pounds. I mean you're just you're just hanging out with a Black guy. He's gonna be funnier than most of the white guys. Yeah I feel like you know what is up, but then it's like yeah for sure 100% But then it's like I feel like a lot of black dudes get all the juice, you know, cuz there's a lot of black dudes They were just kind of just like Boring kind of it's always feel bad. You me a boring white guy. You're totally fine. But being like a boring black guy sucks Yeah, no. Yeah, I know a few that you're like wow really I Was on the subway one time and there was two guys yelling a crowd like what was that the other stop So it was like 50 feet away and they were just having a conversation and this guy he said the n-word, but I'll clean it up But he's like he's like, you know that motherfucker so sweaty He looked like he put a water balloon in a headlock and I was like that's like poetry I Was like that's like better than anything I've heard in three years the funniest thing I've ever heard it was a long long time ago I was in Philly just you know doing stand-up in the early days and I used to do a lot of black rooms in this one guy There was a Muslim dude in the crowd and he was just like, you know, how'd you get you? How many turtles you have to sell to get your red beard man? What point the upgrade and it was just like I was like that's the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life They have to you sell your haunted turtle you get to die your beard I Muslim's died of beard red by the way Hannah like tats Like fake that I thought some just had red beards like pirates Die, it's like party die. I honestly have no idea No, I don't know I'm finding out. I'm not very cultured here I didn't know the Polish thing the fat dick Polish stuff. I swear I've heard I don't know where I heard that I've read a book where they talked about a Polish guy who would call you would call us dick the Polish hog He write the book Daddy why is your Polish friends dick so fat Dying the beard red with Hannah is a Sunnah practice, so it's a Muslim thing But what the why it's just something about Muhammad. Oh, oh, it's like the blood of your enemies or something It could be the blood of the infidel I'm getting nervous now Yeah, Muhammad apparently encouraged his That's kind of cool though. I can get behind that Well, you're talking about Muhammad was a fierce warrior. I was paying respects. Yes, absolutely. Oh, yeah, absolutely Was what uh Now Muslims are in there cool. They're chilling bro. They were at public enemy number one for like 10 years ago Enemy number one certainly 24 years ago almost to the day You was quick math it in your head actually pretty good. Yeah coming up in the big Annie true Where were you guys for 9-11 grade school? Yeah, I was so happy. I was Oh, you look high school. I was in my bed my bed. Yeah, I was definitely high school my bad. I was a junior Yeah, I was like a soft you like hell Soft-worn high school, that's where I was okay, and they like wheeled a TV into the class and like Showed us the news and I still was completely lost on me. Wow. I was like already getting out earlier Not and then we did I was like nice 9-11 didn't hit me for how fucked up it was until like this year. I watched that I Sounded a lot of dock where the first episode Yeah, and that was like I just first time I really watched it as an adult I'm sitting there like and I had lived in New York system. So I'm sitting there like oh that was like for real But when I was a kid, I was just like, oh, yes shit. Well, I guess it feels like normal that should get if you're young Yeah, how old are you what I was in sixth grade? So I was probably like 12 12. Yeah. Yeah, I was on the whole song about I was definitely 15 or 19 okay, so you so I was at home like I was do I graduated high school I was just doing stand-up and nothing else and my sister woke me up and said that somebody's shooting at the World Trade Center Because I think it was like new yeah, she didn't know what he knew she was like they're shooting at the World Trade Center I was like, oh, wow, that's crazy. Yeah, I woke up and was wild. You saw the planes. Yeah We I don't know. I remember being for real. I I'm ashamed to admit this, but I was just excited to get out of school No, I think that's fair. I think that's most people that were in school Yeah, you just sent us home and I was like sweet my parents really kind of freaking out I was like whatever maybe not the New Yorkers. They probably weren't yeah, that was terrible. Yeah Funny cuz I was like pretty close. I was right in Philadelphia. So it was like not that far from it, right? It could have been it was like money was well been on the other side of the country I was just like well, I'm my problem. I was there in August I have a photo of the World Trade Center from like August 2nd or something like that. I was like underneath it Yeah, you're saying no no no like a month before the old one. Yeah the Twin Towers like they are like six weeks before that The new one's the biggest building in America. Yeah in the Western Hemisphere. I live right across the street. Do you really? Yeah, it's right out my window. It's awesome. You get to know where I live Muslim talk I want to let people know I mean I could be wrong. I was taking a wild guess. I don't know what can you look up the origins of the red die? It's probably not that But yeah, I don't know. I don't know that I was like we're like let's get off this Muslim stuff. Let's talk 9-11 It says it says it's just an act of devotion Okay, and you know for older men. It's a nice way to maintain groomed and presentable while embracing your age. Oh It's a hide the gray. Yeah, I guess so so probably go bald die to be a some people do black instead. It's just So we'll do just jet black. Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty tight. That's cool Yes So it's just kind of like you know, I think it's just like a swag thing. Yeah, it feels like a way to just yeah I look like you're not aging. Yeah. Yeah, that's kind of what I'm hearing. Yeah Yeah, we got two pays for for the religion. Yeah for my I've talked to a Muslim guy an Uber driver and I was asking I'm like what's the deal with like for real the multiple wives Is it like it's it can't be as cool as everyone says How did they get along I do a happy to chat in Uber and most people will check it and be like Some people check it like fuck this guy. I'm not doing it But a lot of them will check and be like I now have to entertain this guy and they'll just chat me up So fun. I like you can do that. Oh, yeah, you can select preferences You can select shut the fuck up basically Let's shut the fuck up. That's what I'm saying. Maybe here, but New York I've never had a driver talk to me one time ever in New York. So they can't probably they probably can't what do you mean? You're trying to do you ever see their phone speaking like space invaders I was thinking like unable like I'm like not allowed to I realized that you're saying they can't speak the language I don't know. I could be wrong. I feel like it's much more business in New York getting the Uber It's much they have like half-taxi hybrid stuff right right Yeah, but that's what I hate about the middle of the country is like you go to Omaha and you get picked up and they're like What's what brings you here? And you're like, yeah, fuck. Yeah, no, I love that. I love I'll start asking them I'll do I've had some fantastic conversations in Ubers He's got like a 20 minute ride. I'll just start chatting them up. It's kind of fun I've had some guys A lot of divorced guys. I've had a lot of tales of like love lost and Definitely the job you do as soon as everything falls apart you have the other job here like I got it Something else with my time. I gotta get an apartment In a lift have you been recognized in a lift? I don't know I maybe once but no no I've like beat around that bush here and there and then people I've had people talk to me about chain and lifts in the big dude this guy Shane Gilles is so funny Oh, that's great. Well, yeah, he's good. He's great. It's awesome. I should start trashing back. I've heard he's a fucking giant asshole No kidding They're probably kicking out though like Pig Lebowski It's happened to me a lot I've been in gyms and like this one guy I swear to God except first I was like almost like It's this guy know the podcast and I don't think he did at all, but that was in a gym on the road It was like getting guest past the one guy wore he was like leaning into fall fashion The other guy the gym was like Shane would think you're gay. I was just like whoa There's pretty great I had a I had a funny one of those was where do couldn't remember his name He's describing he's just stopped me on the street was like as long as trying to move down here Some dude was trying to like talk to me about his comedy or whatever. He didn't know I was a comic he just started talking to me drunk and He's started I just asked my who's favorite comic was just trying small talk I was just smoking a day trying to kill time and he goes This guy he goes on Rogan. He he talks about politics. So I was like, alright, that's not shame So I'm gonna go like Tim Dylan and he goes. He's like a handsome Tim Dillon and I don't know why She just was so funny to refer to as a handsome Tim Dylan. It's like Tim is a very handsome guy Yeah, he's just you know obese See young Tim Dylan is very handsome. He's a very attractive man. He is attractive male. I blew him Yeah, no the it is fun getting the uber I will say getting guys from Pakistan and an uber the one I get them fired up on I go What do you think about American women and they just do they go off? It's the best It's so funny. They're no good. And also, he did no one believe me the divorce rate in Pakistan He was like, what is the divorce rate in Pakistan? I was like, I don't know What do you guys got like 10% he was like 1% Wow? Nobody believes me. They look it up It's literally 1% the divorce rate in Pakistan. Is it a sin? What's what's the yeah? I think it's like completely frowned upon the wives die in Pakistan Now you're onto something I think I got 90% of wives die before the age of 40 Well, yeah, or maybe in Pakistan. I don't know. I don't know but I'm pretty sure it's like you can get a little hit You can get like You can use bouncer rules. Yeah, you gotta fold their hands across the chest move out of the room Put them a timeout But also what I was asking about multiple wives He was like it's not like everyone says again, you can totally get another wife But you need to be able to prove that you have the resources to Care for them. Oh interesting Yeah, and you gotta like it's a whole thing you gotta like put them together make sure they get along But he's like, yeah, you're totally what totally within your right and you can just hang out in the house with both of them It's not like separate homes. I think it's separate homes I think you need to be able to have I think it could be wrong But the way he described it is you got to be able to like fully support another but I feel like in Pakistan I don't think you I don't know. I think you'd be able to just kind of put them in like apartment a apartment baby All right, I'm just thinking out loud over here No, he was kind of he's like it's not as cool as everyone says which I'm like I agree I'm like I've talked to people about the multiple wife thing. I think it is not as cool as people say one wife couple girlfriends Dude, my younger daughter's like really wants me to get a girlfriend She keeps saying she's like dad you have a girlfriend. I'm like no I'm married. She's like dad. You need a girlfriend. I'm like So I thought you'd be furious if I had a girlfriend It's one reason I don't have a girlfriend You brought up to your wife. I tell her all the time. I'm like Chloe wants me to get a girlfriend. I Don't know. I feel like she got older. She would take I'd be like dude. You said you Got to get it in right You know what weirds me out the hall pass talk among couples and like who would your hall pass be it's like don't talk about that Yeah, we never had that conversation But it's a totally fruitless conversation, right? Because you already know it's like yeah, just be like I don't know I think it's fucking lame. I don't like it I don't I don't like it because I know you're not saying you're the real thought like if I asked her She would say somebody that would be unattainable, but her real-haul pass you'd want to say is just like a guy she worked with She's always thinking about Everyone secretly wants to fuck their spouse's friends really don't you think or siblings? Any woman it wouldn't be You know I don't know. I think it might just be like the first person I see I think that's the case I think most guys cheat with like a less attractive Something I've heard that yeah, I wonder if that's true. Well, I think you want to feel guilt-free Yeah, that way if you get caught you can be like that. She's a fucking pig Nothing compared to you. It's gross. Yeah Or she can be super high and be like what am I supposed to do say no to this? He's way better than you Yeah, that's a good point. I always thought it was just younger. It's like you have sex with a younger lady Yeah, that makes sense kind of like that. I think there's always going to get a pizza shop I think every like female cashier is In the hot seat in terms of like the 50 year old Italian guy. Yeah, I've heard of that happening a lot New Jersey every high school girl gets a lightly molested by their pizza shop manager boss We even burger king like a burger king. There's like it's all like high school Kids a lot of girls working there if every burger king there's like a 40 year old manager who's like Chances are he's being you know and a fee befile. Let's say right. He's yeah I've heard I've heard about I've heard tales like that. I used to work with this angle. I'm trying to be big I used to work with this guy. He was like smashing one of the she was like 18 I think I think she was 18. I got I'm she's 18 or 19. That's how I remember in it I think I would have been I was like 16 there So I think I would have still known if it was real fucked up, but anyway, I just Like I'm trying to run it up my head like whatever I think 18. I really do because I know she was like a senior high school and shit, but anyway, you're sweating But the guy I remember he was just he was just always like taking her into the just when we clean up the story Take her into the fit room. Hey fuck We I was like the only one who knew and her boyfriend would just pick her up afterwards and I and I'd see it I just I didn't know I'm like we didn't go to school together or anything. It's just and the one time I just Saw her walk out and kiss him on the lips like as soon as they got and I just was like, oh my god So she gave him a nice greeting though Bring your chick home she's got fresh It's tough being a high school aged male. Yeah, cuz it's you never know. Yeah, I got I got down here like that I heard some chick I used to date she used to get picked up by some old guy just how on her friends told me He has some dude. He was like 25. She was like 16 just used to pick her up for all these job We used to go to a when I was growing up and like in high school We would go to space called painters crossing and it was just like a shopping center with like an AMC movie place And just like you know random mother bullshit restaurants like a friendlies and we would see those like Cool Honda Civics with spoilers pull up and they were like sharks. There was 25 Who just come prey on your like cool high school girlfriends, you bet come on let's get out of here They were just sort of parking and staying outside the car You have to like get your girlfriend out of there because she would get molested by an older man Yeah, I remember my girlfriend was a year younger than me and then I didn't go to college and then she graduate went to college and Yeah, we broke up I like initiated the breakup because I was like you want to break up, right? Clearly this isn't gonna be great and I started doing comedy. So I was like hanging out with like 50 year old Men immediately and then I'd be like come on. I'm doing comedy We just be a bunch of middle-aged guys and like me She's like this is awful and then I'd go visit her at college. It's just the hottest Yeah, football play guy, and I'm like I was like you want to break up. Yeah She was too nice to do it. Yeah And I feel like I could just I could be wrong about this But I feel like in that situation a girl would just be like I like that comfort of having a boyfriend that I'm gonna get here and slowly They'll definitely cheat a little too acting. Yeah, I did the right thing in high school. I broke up I was dating someone I was just like we can't when I go to high school and I felt bad but or when I go to college Yeah, yes, she was an eighth She had an eighth grade volleyball I mean you can't I mean that destroys that destroys High school romance. I had a guy like sit me down a long time ago and be like bro like Trying to talk me out of my high school sweetheart. He's like you guys are gonna last I was like fuck dude Why are you doing this to me? He was like just move on. Wow. It's kind of rough But I mean yeah, he was he was wise He's a little never last. All right. Well, thanks man I only broke up with one woman my whole life and she gives me a cheating. It was kind of hot She was like you're you cheating on me. She was Italian. She was like you're cheating on me. I know it you piece of shit I was yeah, I just don't care for you Yeah, I would say breaking up. I still think breaking up with is infinitely harder than getting broken up with yeah I know I'm like a panic attack. It was horrible. Oh, it's hard It's it was like literally the most lethal lethal or like, you know brutal conversation you can have to be like hey, I don't want to Don't want to see you ever again essentially what you're saying I would I'm open to it, but I just want to just you know, maybe we could be like stranger more like strangers to each other Yeah, no, it was rough. I had a thing. It was funny I was dating this woman and I just didn't like I only dated her because I was single for like seven years Mm-hmm, and I thought people gonna think I was gay. I was gonna get a girlfriend So people don't just think I'm gay and so I knew her from work. So I started dating but I never liked her I wasn't into her. It was just whatever she was like a beard Yeah So we were dating and then It was like I wanted to break up with her I didn't and then Christmas was like coming upon us and I was like shit I got to get her a fucking gift because I just put off Breaking up with her and literally I was driving to meet up with her like on December 23rd It was like Christmas Eve Eve and I was like, oh dude I remember we were at this store one time and she said she liked this picture of Audrey Hepburn I'm like I'll stop and pick that up and so I just grabbed it on the way there Handed it to her like Merry Christmas and she opened it and just started balling. She's like nobody's ever loved me this much You remembered and I was like And then I just bought like some random shit I'm like I kind of remember she bought that and she had dated like bad boys or whatever before So I just nailed the gift and I was like I just fucking She was like literally crying like I've no one's ever loved me like this in my life and I was like, oh Damn it, but then Right after Christmas my grandfather died and then she didn't come to the funeral and I use that perfect Yeah, she's like I didn't even know you wanted me there. You didn't even tell me where it was I was like, well you should have looked at careless bitch That was my out but I remember being horrified like truly like shaking Yeah, you think about it for like three months by the time you're getting broken up with the person's probably thought about it for Anywhere from six months. Yeah Now she's married and I'm married. That's good. Yeah worked out my dad and Jess when I was in grade school Told me to always break up with the girl before Christmas So I didn't have to buy her anything and I like actually did that one time like right before Christmas and it was I was like real to me this thing Seventh wheel you know when you're like we're dating but you don't ever even see the person you just like hold hands and recess Right three days. Yeah, I meant October you fucking About that it was funny having like a girlfriend in like seventh grade and you just We're dating and you just see them at recess and then you break up two days later Yeah, I had that fifth grade Jen Jen McCarthy Not to be confused with Jenny McCartney Anti-vax hot lady, but yeah, and we she was dating two guys She was dating Matt Will and me and because you didn't hook up or we were in fifth grade We didn't even kiss. Yeah, so she's like these are my two boyfriends And then yeah, you just broke up cuz like summer happened and you didn't have any way of Seeing her. Yeah. No, you're like, all right That was that. Yeah, go bothy. I don't even remember I think she was more into it because he was more of a like a fatherless Man, so I think he was probably fingering her and I was like Like it felt like they definitely had Yeah, I was just like oh Yeah, I remember being in grade school I think I might have been sixth grade and I was just like sitting You know like only maybe gymnasium floor at like an assembly and an eighth grade girl Laid her boob on my hand. Whoa, and I just sat there. He's a great. Yeah, bro Yeah, bro, it was awesome and I just sat I just remember just my hand Just feeling the pressure of her boob for an entire assembly that she got up and I was so confused as I was like Is that my fucking girlfriend now? Is that a base? But it was back in my hand so still something it was it was definitely something Yeah, it was so much so that I was like can you just touch ladies boobs is that like a thing? I would we had tables in my grade school when I was slowly elbow over and like hit the ladies boob next to me and they'd Like get off me. I was one lady laid on my arm. I thought it was like I don't know I thought you guys want I thought you might want to rest your tits on my elbows. I Wish I could redo life, you know, don't we all yeah, like I could really do but not that I would be like a crazy pussy crushing me You know, I'm still me but I think if I had a little more confidence, I could have had more sex Yeah, for sure even in high school. I feel like I could have yeah, right for myself. No, I was like not nothing really doing and then Little bit little bit in late grade school and that not sex. Obviously. That's weird when people have sex in their eighth grade I'm like, yeah, it's kind of freaks me out But I remember I got like lost a bunch of weight my junior year and just I got like shredded out of nowhere. I got I kept getting grounded for drinking So I would just like act like I was in prison and just do like pull-ups in my face And I got like actually shredded just reading spiritual books But yeah, no, I remember I just like hit this weird spur of like I've never gotten never like I don't know I just hit like a I went on like a tear in high school then like the beginning of college is monstrous dry spell I was just thinking about a lady that I'd realized I could have fucked in high school because she she just followed me like Couple weeks ago like last week on Instagram and I saw that I thought of something she said to me that now I would have known it was like a green light. She was like I Wish I could mess with you, but I'm kind of friends with your girlfriend And like you be her saying that out loud is really going like I'll fuck you and I won't tell you No, I was like in 10th grade. I just didn't take it. I don't know That's fair 10th grade I guess I might have been 10th 11th. I think I tried to sell myself short. It was 11 I was so afraid of being a bad guy. You feel like you make a movie. She's like what the fuck you piece of shit I know this like such a fear, but I grew up listening to hip-hop. I ain't When I was young like we didn't it was it wasn't cool to kiss ladies that's crazy I feel like that. I remember being like somebody gonna go you kissed it like cuz they suck big I know that's dumb I always looked at it that was the chain of events. I still follow base procedure by the way Yeah, now you got a kiss touch boobs touch vagina then have sex I still hold it down that way. I lost my virginity to we didn't kiss for six months We were dating and I was having a conversation with one of my friends about as an adult that they happen He was and she cheated on me. She's the one who was like the McDonald the wind get picked up from Wendy's I was telling you about and shit like that. I also heard she got cheated on by like getting a train ran or all that All that she cheated on me doing that shit. Yeah, but so we're talking about that I talked to hot a kisser for six months He was like you mean you dated a chick who was just like you fucker and not kiss her for six months You didn't realize she was a hoe like she's not she's like yeah, you're doing the right thing not kissing me It's kind of her energy. I don't know. I thought that's like pretty woman I It's funny you guys were like a serious relationship though. You guys were like yes He's the first person. I was like I was like I love you. I was hanging out with her dad last time No, I was really really was bad for everyone's brain man. Yeah, I like sold coke for a while I was like this is so cool. You get older like that's such a bad. Yeah negative thing to do Could have ruled me that back then. I was like, this is the coolest thing I can possibly do Wasn't at all this episode is brought to you by Armra Colostrum guys I like to say we can joke about pretty much anything, but what happens when your health becomes the punchline? From seed oils to stress toxins to pollutants the modern world is screwing with our health at the cellular level Leading to exhaustion brain fog digestive issues and more. Oh, yeah, these things affect me horribly I have diarrhea constantly and my brain. 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Oh, I sold weed for a while, too I made way more money selling weed coke is like Unless you're getting like bigger amounts of it You don't make as much for in terms of like the risk of going to jail If you just get like a couple ounces of coke and break them down into 20 bags You know, like you make money off of it, but nowhere near getting a couple pounds of weed and you would not the jail Like from like selling an eight ball to a pound of weed is like completely, right? These are new who sold crack like they never see her that's pretty profitable I don't I never knew anybody who was top guy, you know, I mean everybody I knew they were like fine They were like but they all still live together like it was like three brothers that I was hanging out with one time They sent me to sell crack for Which fast food chain where you So their house was like right down the street from this park I think it was Barbie's Park it was called so I had to I took the crack and I took their bike And I saw you have to go up this bridge. That's like up a hill and then down the hill So I go up the hill then I start going down the hill the parks right at the end of the hill And I realized as I'm going down the hill that the brakes on the bike I can't stop the bike and I spit out it fall And then a car just stops like slams on the break is just to put it re-conduced and they just started pointing it Civic By the vibe it was it wasn't I remember being in a vial though That's all I see them on TV, but it wasn't like a little like same bag you put we eat right right right and Did you complete the mission yeah, I complete the mission it was for 30 bucks and I went back And I think I just told him like yeah fellow the bike Drop the crack I want to start a nonprofit that repairs young kids who sell cracks bicycle Just make sure the brakes are good. I didn't think about that. Yeah, there's probably a lot of like Kind of janky bikes going around there. I'm just man. I know it told me Huh? I was gonna say there's a good chance that it was somebody else's Sorry, that's nice to know though if your bike gets stolen it's like at least you know Some of you know someone's Upper-leaf mobile is trying to make the best of a bad situation. Also, you know, it's got fucked up brakes So you're like watch what happens. Yeah, that's crazy. They didn't warn you the bike ain't no brakes You have to like use your like sneakers to slow yourself down or like I just remember falling I don't remember exactly how like what like what I tried. I think I tried to like get off and hop and just who bought the crack It was two people. It was like an older looking dude and it was that in a younger guy, but like I Don't know Two people in the wire the the he bugs you and he had this guy that died around I forget yeah never Bad riff. Thanks. So that was it. That was your that was it for you. That was that so we Cut out for this I think I was always kind of phony tough like not like I would be around the dumb shit But in my heart, I was like no I used to like to fight a lot and then I remember we were supposed to fight after school This is like ninth or tenth grade and one of my friends had a little 22 that he showed me. Oh, and I just remember being like This is this is this kind of record. Yeah, and then I kind of saw I changed who I was hanging with I had like this one group I was well the time and then I kind of went to my friends that I was hanging with a lot more in middle school family there I found a version of a man. Yeah, different fat guy. They were funny fat guy Yeah, I was that that's what that's what coke was for me. It was the absolute I was out of completely out of I was already out of an element with a lot of stuff But coke was like these are like bad guy bad guys and I was like and I never did it by the way Never tried it me either never any I still I stood this day. I detest them. I hear people that do I go Why the fuck you doing that? Yeah, that's snorting something just felt very off-putting to me I didn't care for that and then also all my anxiety That I had growing up and still now is all like I associate with heart like I'm always afraid my heart's gonna stop my heart's racing So the idea of doing coke. I was like my heart will explode. I'll die here. Yeah, that was always a very similar thing I actually just I like I had a couple years where I couldn't exercise because I'm gonna have a heart attack. I was like 26 well, this is an interesting thing. I tried to do a bit about this it never worked, but I'm like why I Exercise is good for your heart, but like having like stress is bad for your heart Yeah, they both cause your heart to race. Yeah, so shouldn't like having a panic attack be this is why the bit never worked I Good for you Like stress is the worst thing for you, but what is stress do it raises your heart rate? That's what yeah does I know that there's probably a Explanation I'm not genuinely like no. Yeah asking but I don't know I mean I thought I'd grind the podcast to a halt Cocaine should be good for your heart. Yeah, it gives you the same thing as exercise like running a marathon is good for your health So why isn't doing blow? You know, it's funny cuz I I saw a just like two weeks ago I saw a clip of Andrew Huberman being like you need to spike your cortisol early in the morning as possible And it's like somehow good for you So I like just chugged a ton of coffee early in the morning and it was like yeah, it was definitely not the move No, I literally had a panic attack in my office. So I was like this is not I don't know But apparently there I guess there's got to be something different with like you know What it probably is like your lungs getting kicked into the picture right versus just your nervous system Fucking frying you while you sit in a chair. Well, some of this who we're in things you were in however You say his name. I like I enjoy the guy, but we were at the green room at mothership and there's all these grip strength Yes reading thing and someone's like Huberman says like grip strength is the number one, you know Teller of how long you're gonna live. Yeah, Kurt Metzger's was like triple mine. I'm like, there's no way Guys living longer than me. He's like smoking a pack of cigarettes and a joint at the same time I'm like, I feel like Yeah, I don't know. There's a lot of stuff hitting the internet that like does freak me out I've seen that one. Yeah, that one. I didn't like it all my grip strength is terrible. Yeah, mine was like I didn't want to say Devastate Yeah, I don't know I heard that too like if you can't hang from a bar for like three minutes You're gonna die. Well, the other guy Peter Atia He's the other guy all these guys that are like age experts all are like 38 years old I'm like, I want 115 year old guy But he said you should be able to carry your body weight for up to a minute So like I weigh 180 like by your side with a kettlebell. So I weigh like 180 pounds. I'm bad at math That's 90 pounds on each. Yeah. Yeah, I should be able to walk for a minute So I can't even like attempted it because I'm scared my arm will fucking rip off or your knees really. Yeah Yeah, I don't know about that. There's a lot of stuff hitting the internet like that I saw one where it was like if you want to be able to walk up 10 flights of stairs when you're 70 Here's they had these like lines and shit and they're like you need to be here now And it was just like other way It's like basically saying if you were like sedentary like you're gonna die. Yeah. Yeah, I think we all look pretty good Yeah, I think we're moving around The problem is you can go so heavy into all that stuff where it's like am I doing that am I doing all this stuff? Right that probably fucks you up 20 years like oh if you actually think about this shit, you're gonna die Yeah, absolutely. Well then the Hooperman's also like you got to look at the Sun at 515 for eight minutes So you'll kid will be retired I keep seeing a thing on my algorithm I have a child and it's like giving your kid sugar within the first Three years increases their odds of I'm like, so I'm just fucked like I gave him ice cream already Yeah, he's gonna die and the TV like the TV fucks him. Yeah, I don't know. I feel like they'll be fine It'll be like they'll be definitely more autistic kids and I don't know But I mean if like everybody I know has sugar as a kid and watch TV as a kid and most people are fine You know what I mean like it'll be why is it a problem all of a sudden right now? What is it's probably bad? It didn't really tell bad it was but yeah, they'll be they're not gonna like die You know, yeah, I think it'll be okay. It'll be fine. He seems fine. I don't worry. I don't yeah I can get hyper obsessed with that shit though. I have an oar ring. I'll track my sleep. I'll do all this stuff I apparently I don't get any deep sleep really I don't know what it is I check and I everything else is great and then my deep sleep is like 30 minutes a night Maybe it's fucked up. That's what I say. I told it's my I told my wife I'm like you just move around probably fucking deep sleep up But you try you know try all of them at the same time Apple watch whoop or ring and just I'll see if they all say the same thing. I should do that. That's I feel like a great test I like picture you go to bed you have Yeah, you gotta I just You get to a certain point you're like no, I'm definitely dying So it's like there's I'm gonna try to like just maintain the ship as much as I can. Yeah, well, yeah I feel like an older dad. I'm like I gotta live as long as I can for that guy and stay healthy I want to be able to have a pass with them. Yeah, so I'm going to the gym after this. Don't worry. Yeah That's the big thing once you have kids you really like you guys fuck around a lot. You guys are out drinking carrying on When you guys have kids man, you go man, I gotta keep this thing and float. Yeah Well, just the case of me I've been in Austin for four days of eating case dough like a hundred percent of the meals including breakfast Yeah, I'm a fat fuck. I'm like I can't shit my eyes He has breakfast case. I went to Magnolia cafe my favorite spot They got great pancakes, but they serve queso all day. So I'm like I'm here. Yeah, I was eating chips and queso and pancakes So sick Yeah, I got I I eat a lot of time. I was just in Chicago and I went to the taste of Chicago It's like a big food festival. It was all fucking tacos. I'm like, dude, that's all I eat It's kind of bullshit Somebody said last night in Austin tacos are like pizza in New York. It's like quick. Yeah, grab it No, there's not a lot of great pizza here, but pizza stays enjoyable longer. I'm tired of tacos It was never I never hit a point where I was tired of pizza. Yeah, that's a good point pizza So here's the thing though like if you go on the West Coast I was telling people of Friday you have Friday pizza night growing up every Absolutely, my friends on the West Coast now and he was like telling people out there about that and they're like that's crazy They're like that's so bad for you. Do you pizza every Friday? Oh, I eat pizza I mean my diet is fucking wild really I eat McDonald's like a couple times a week Barm three four times a week. How's the Mickey D sit with you? I miss chicken farms. Is it like diarrhea right away? Do you pass a healthy movement after Mickey D's? No, I'm okay. I think I'm used to I just do a joke of my act about this people were like if you know Someone said this to me like if you stop eating McDonald's for like six months, and then you try having it again Your body will just reject it. Yeah, that's why I did it and I'm like no my body was like you're back Perfect Again like I hate to be like dad guy, but it's like sometimes the baby goes down You're so exhausted that I'm like just give me some fucking give me some and I live in a luxury Build I mean again. I don't want to be Okay, I get like I'm embarrassed is like a door guy with a suit like handing me my McDonald's bag I feel like And I do it a lot it's Embarrassing that's kind of it's kind of alpha dudes. I know Warren Buffett drinks Coca-Cola. That's his big thing Trump smashes McDonald's he loves McDonald's. Yeah, Jay Leno too was a big fast food really I think he might still be yeah I haven't I swear to God. I haven't eaten McDonald's in maybe two decades get yourself some McDonald's It's fine. I would throw up. I would for real throw up. I can't eat it terrible McDonald's Was it the last time we went to last time we went to McDonald's I got a double quarter pounder Meek chicken and a McDouble and and fries like I just I Had a sip with you. I took a I took a probiotic right after balance the gut gut shit and Now I just shit a lot in the morning. I took it. I drink I drink a smoothie all the time So like I woke up crushes smooth. That's how I feel. Yeah, I'd calm health posters. I do the green juices or smooth these You're getting yang. Yeah, yeah And I feel like it kind of works. I think so I went to juice land this morning I was like I had queso four times yesterday. I gotta have juice land and I took a massive shit I caught my morning Python Just a big fucking Anaconda Yeah, so I think we're all right. Yeah, how heavy will you get if you can you go will you get fat? This is the heaviest I've been but I'm also I'm working out more than I've ever worked out and I'm also eating more than I've worked out Nice, so I'm like 183 or something. I got you know dad stomach. I look okay Yeah, and you get the muscles from carrying the kid all the time He's wants to be carried all the time and he won't go to this side. Maybe he's autistic. He hates this side But yeah, this is the biggest I've ever been but I'm very long a fucking yeah, you know I just read a stat they said 90% of autistic adults are undiagnosed That makes sense They weren't checking for it like they're checking for it. There's apparently there's a you know It's like endemic and adults There's like a lot of people who should have been that now would have been like screened for like on the autism spectrum I have a big autism thing because I just think we say it too much because I have a close friend whose Brother is like severely out to what we think like and he you know He has like an iPod or AirPods in all the time because he needs me and if you say what day you were born He could tell you the debt like your date of your birthday He knows what day and also he has to be like attended like he's yeah You know he's got severe autism and then people are like Will say to me like I'm like that music has driven me crazy like I don't even hear music you might be autistic Spread the net pretty pretty far now. Yeah, just feels like ADHD is like autism They say if you have that you're also autistic now really yeah sweet my wife's autistic. Yeah, that's what I'm OCD also is so similar like I have OCD but so like There's a lot of similarities if you read autism thing. I'm like I have that that and that but Yeah, I'm not autistic. What's the OCD? How's that flare up like I I mean? I have like weird stuff first of all I'm like I blink all the time like I do like these blinks and my arm is being flexing all the time my left arm and I'll see like Something that I feel like I need to step on or I'll do a weird Foot things I need to step on stuff and then I also drink the same cup of tea from Starbucks every day I don't get it. I mean, I steep very quickly turned off It's kind of under the radar though, I didn't know yeah Yeah, yeah, I saw my wife does a joke about it. She's like he doesn't have the OCD where he cleans I'm like people think I'm like hand-watching like I'll take a piss and get off the subway and go eat a sandwich Stepping on the cracks. Yeah, exactly. I can get in I can get in and out step on the cracks I'll still do that every now and again. Yeah, it's just fun to be like let me tie my steps perfectly So I don't hit these cracks. Yeah, it's fun, but I give up after a while But yeah, so you got a problem, but then people now people are like They use it's like a virtue to have that I'm like embarrassed. Yeah, I'm like trying my hardest not to blink weird cuz I'm like humiliated by it. Yeah, it did become cool to have like autism now Yeah, they're like you gotta have something if you're if you're like 24 and you're like no, I'm good. They're like that sucks Yeah, yeah, no, like Yeah, you gotta be kind of like gay or something cutting as big cutting gay cutting I'm saying or I You're not gay you're the least gay person I know I know but it's too late I'll just be gay. I was laughing today about like especially with the podcast and like ads and all that stuff There's definitely I would I would like to think that there are some sort of like boardroom and these like startups or like Spotify where they're like checking almost like a Like a stock trading floor the reading comments like a lot of people that saying the co-host of this podcast is gay We're gonna call the magnesium powder people Shit they're called gay they're called a gay schizophrenic loser So how did you end up gay? They they said they said I was being gay. We went to LA for a week We say was doing that. They said yeah, they said LA. I was just gay and I was it But what is it wasn't you should have been gay in LA for I did I mean I said I was You know this is the worst close. This is the law. I wore a one shirt. It's not even that cool But I what it really was is I've been for real for a kind of home before my whole life seems like I saw my kid not kissing girls and stuff And then I you know grew out of it I still had that thing where I couldn't joke gay that much and you know hanging out with y'all Eventually y'all broke it down and that I got I started trying to have fun gay jokes with y'all and then the second I did it It was like, yeah I Couldn't say anything without being sus and then Lamar's nasty ass made sure he brought it up on the podcast He knew what he was doing. He got mad at me over to a panties once because he was like, uh, that's the name of our podcast So does but he uh, he not boxer briefs I Also says because because of what we were talking about brought up him having sex with those with the with the trans He was like for real mad at that. He was like you tried that. I was like what? Oh, well, he was yeah, and to be fair I'm so Ryan for Lamar on this dude. Oh, I'm on the side. Yeah, it's hilarious He lost his virginity to a woman who then became a guy right after oh, okay And she was like one week in the tea. She was I saw pictures. She was hot. Oh, I guess now was hot Is that on paper? It sounds funny? Yeah, yeah, I lost my virginity to yeah, technically guy He lost now. Yeah, he lost her journey through a guy, right? He's that's that's kind of the wrinkle. He spaz door me on panties He was like you were trying to be nasty to me because you brought that up But I was like I was being nasty after what you did to me. It was it was it was all now We ever your descendants are gonna be like oh shit. He was gay All those look they'll do an AI summer big your grandfather never kissed girls Personal policy never kissed girls ever since he was a child And then was Yeah, the internet legacy will be crazy. Yeah, it's kind of fun to ancestry calm be so cool See all your embarrassing fucking Facebook post Yes, for sure. It's gonna also have your digital history. Yeah, it'll be like a yeah You'd sit down and get like a full download probably like a curated thing of like this is what your father was up to Oh, it's insane to think about yeah all the podcasts History don't forget about web web history is the one that'll be out there Like it's just everything you've ever jerked off to is going to your kids Get out your kids your kids kids will be there be your kids like Neuralink thing and they can get like a Superfast flash like the speed of their synapses where I can just be like Wow, yeah, we fucked up, but I didn't know being the weird or shit probably Cuz they cuz we cuz we keep getting weirder and weirder. I think porn's about the grind to a halt I'm not just saying that because I personally Convinced I think it's good. I don't know man. I think it's gonna be on like all kids are gonna be It'll be like your kid well now It'll be like you'll see if your kids looking at smut cuz you'll have your phone's length kind of this episode is brought to you by Simply safe and this simply safe on is the sound of peace of mind Simply safe sensors HD cameras and 24 seven security monitoring Protect your home inside and out against breakings fires water leaks and more so you can relax Visit simply safe.co.uk slash pod for an exclusive discount I plan on the law my daughters I'm not worried about it, but like I Somebody put this much checker on there the that app you're talking about was like the dad So you're here covenant eyes. Mm-hmm There's an app called a covenant eyes where you and your son can like Link your phone so that like if anything, you know porn related comes up It'll trigger your dad would get a notification. Oh, wow. Yeah, does he get the same notification when you look at porn? I think so. I think that's the covenant. I think you and I Think there's a politician who's used covenant eyes of the son Wow, it sounds it does sound like the opposite of like father-son duos who get hookers together Wow In between I don't know, but I feel like you'll have it like before you we were like I don't think kids will have free range Open porn. I think it's gonna be parents gonna put a combustion that I for real hope not that shit was kind of throw terrible for us It's not good. I started I looked at like red to when I was had to be 12 or 13. Yeah, I had any porn I was all real catalog and stuff. That was we had magazines later I did Sears catalog and then I came in and college was like when I could start downloading it And then it was just open on the internet my whole adult life, but not as a child that would fuck you up Let me or Sean. What did you what did you discover? You're right Mike Johnson the speaker of the House of Representatives Publicly talks about his use of COVID and eyes with his 17 year old son. No, yes Now will they continue it once he's 18 will we keep the traditional I've really legally as an adult by father Recommending we shut down our covenant. I'm not sure I think it's a good idea. I think I'm I'm I'm and I've been anti porn for a while I would get a burner phone if I had covenant eyes with my dad. I would just have a second cell phone I couldn't I couldn't live like that. They said burger phone like those old Yeah, this thing's I Mean it is weird because I I like it's hard to not look at porn Why it's like almost unthinkable to like because I've tried to stop it and it took me Three years to finally be like I don't need to look at it. Yeah, it's the Graham. Don't make it. Everything makes it hard Yeah, you see look at the yeah, I try not to look my Instagram for real is just like steroid guys scream I don't get a lot of babes. It's just steroid guys fighting and arguing with each other No, mine's like movies photography and baseball like people go to their search thing and it's I'm like actually embarrassed by mine Yeah, just like Robin yownt hit Whatever I'm like, uh, some there's times or mines is a hundred percent women and it's the most embarrassing thing What's that's for the nature of your guys you guys do research for your podcast true that has been making it worse I still don't know how you pull they do a babe of the week every week And they have to like explain why she's the babe of the week Sometimes and sometimes it's funny and at other times we take it too seriously You just pick hot ladies and go she's the hottest. Yeah, but how what does your babe say about the baby the week? You tell her like obviously your baby You're the babe of my lifetime She ever even like brought it up begrudgingly because I feel like I would get I would get pressed in my house for that If you have you know, I don't want to sew this No, no, she she doesn't like she really does it She's I guess she never anything that's kind of comedy related. She never that's unless I was like start talking about like her To personal like shit. It's her privacy. She don't She I mean she knows she knows me We'll be watching some she watches real housewives and I go like whose titties are those like that's kind of how we exist and nice And I think my wife has a rule like you don't listen to your partner's podcast I can't make you like it's like reading a diary. Yeah, that feels like the right thing. Yeah Yeah, I've swayed my wife away from it. I was like just please don't watch it and my mom my wife my mom I say please don't watch my podcast ever I would bet my girl listens every time she knows I'm on something like that too You're talking about like your son getting older and like or your daughter's whatever listening seeing your history I think that must be hard to date because you meet so they can immediately just go and listen to everything you've ever said That would be scared to me being single and meeting a girl I'm like my charming self and then she can put on a podcast of like would you eat your own dad's come? And she's like, oh this guy's a piece of shit I would I what I think though is if your podcast is doing well will be like great, right? You know what I mean? Once you get you know, once you sell one boner pill. They're like, yep, it's good I don't care what this guy talks about and there's really is something out there for everyone There's like, you know, there's popular podcasts that go pretty wild and it's like like how will call scenarios become a big thing That's a big podcast or that was like it was a move man. There was like the last year I've seen who damn bulls area and fucking hit the gas pedal on that. He just out of nowhere was just like I think I'm correct I don't know if I'm wrong, but I think he Pushed the pedal on that. That's like a light speed podcasting technique. He's like, you know what man? I'm just gonna go to holocaust Make a million. I'm sure there's like girls out there that are like, you know, I'll just date this guy, you know, whatever Wish him peace and you know But Live laugh love but the yeah, no, I feel like there's there's someone out there for everything. So yeah, I guess so Also, there is no way I don't know because I feel like I've talked about stuff before that's just like I don't know. It's just not like you wouldn't bring it up at a dinner table. What if it works? I think people like oh, this is great Right well, I have this dude like my wife one time. I was performing on Austin like her Brothers live here and her sister invited her mother to the show and I had to step in like you cannot have your mother come Yeah, and her mother's like a British Intellectual elderly woman. Oh, no, and I'm like talking about eating her asshole and stuff like this is out right like I've never I wouldn't say shit in front of her Yeah, like literally the word shit. Did she come no no, I was like, I'm sorry You can't it was awkward cuz she's like I guess I can't see your comment and I want to be like you can watch it on YouTube by yourself Yeah, just still horrifying, but dude I don't know you're there like that's yeah, I've had it just completely be like Yeah, just I'm gonna do it if you it was my wife will invite like her you invited her grandfather one time And I just I was like constantly talking about my wife jerking me off Among other things and he just he sat through the whole thing. I remember being like well fuck I'm gonna do my thing and you'll see how he feels and he was pretty supportive. He's like that was hilarious Oh, that's good. That's what I found is people are surprised Surprisingly kind of like my like parents came a couple times. I thought they'd be kind of like What the fuck when my mom just laughs. She's just like you're gross. Yeah, my parents come but my Mother-in-law also went and saw Nate Bargatze and she was like that was terrible. He was misogynistic He should not talk about your wife like that and I was like, oh my god That's interesting if I heard that it'd be like oh wow. Yeah, yeah, although it's I don't know man I think you just got to let her taste the power That's a good name for a special I feel like yeah cuz I yeah, cuz I remember when I recorded my first special My wife is like your parents gonna be there, but I won't tell you which show so then I was like, oh cool But then every show I was like are they here at this one? No, right? So they had to be like just tell me where they're coming. I'm just gonna let it rip See my parents are very like it's a very like Liberal language how so like I don't feel Self-conscious around them because we swear and all that I was talking about specifically like my dad like getting pussy and stuff So yeah, so I was gonna tell Well, I'm sorry about his lack. I always like imagine he like a huge right But then actually in the first encouraging my mom to Maybe pony up a little bit So, you know, they just were like whatever they kind of laughed through it Yeah, I had a joke about how my mother wanted to fuck Patrick's weight. I watched What's the movie, you know dirty dancing when I was a kid and my mother was like And so I had a whole bit about and then when I did it live and they were there I just wouldn't do that bit but then they eventually watched my special and it's yeah Did they say something about it? No, she's never mentioned anything, but It's true. I mean, she's a she's a fucking she wants Patrick Swayze Hold it back. She'll still do it. She's like Patrick Swayze. My god Plowed by Patrick Swayze So now it's even more women are so much more near for dead guys than they are later guys He's a good-looking man. He was he could dance his fucking ass off And I always felt bad because I'm like my dad doesn't look anything like Patrick's weight He must just be like this sucks Yeah, that's that's one of the moves will do to you a bit. He's handsome. You're like this guy looks nothing like me why would you do that I had a girlfriend my previous girlfriend my ex-girlfriend whatever you say and Someone we were like out of the hang with some buddies and she was late Someone was like, what's your type and she was like I like a rugged outdoor guy long hair be like she just described Completely not me and I was like this is crazy How did you bring it up or you just let it go and I would joke about it after and like she laughed and everything because I was like She liked because I was like funny self-deprecating guy. So yeah, that was great and she would laugh But you're also at the same time you're like, well, that's okay. What the fuck? I'm so cute. I kind of want you to hold frame on your mother-in-law. Are you familiar with it? Like frame and all that stuff. No, dude There's a whole this is why my Algorithms of steroid guys yelling but there's a bunch of guys on the internet who are obsessed with there's an idea called frame It always makes me laugh, but it's like you dictate the pace of everything So you go to the house you like basically, you know, it's just like everything's up to you always drive your wife drives She's definitely probably gonna cheat on you according to these guys My wife drives all the time and I found that out Yeah frame you have to like you can't let someone influence someone's influencing your actions at all You've lost frame according to these guys. Well, these guys don't sound great Dude it even gets to the point where it's called the blue line or green line So there's like a test where they analyze your photos and if you're even leaning in towards your wife at all She's dominating you. I think that's hilarious So it goes that deep but like yeah, if anyone else is influencing your decisions that you've lost frame Oh, I gotta check out this frame business Your mother the whole frame right now you've got to snatch the frame So next time don't you think I love the frame? I'm like you can't come to the show. That's that's right. Okay, that's out of here She had tickets to my show. I didn't let her go I didn't think about that. You should invite her to another one and then cancel last Definitely friend you got frame for sure. I think my wife does the leaning she always does like a thing. She leans in yeah Yeah, I'm upright sucks for her Watch the thing about handshakes and politics like you always want to be the person on the outside Yeah, and then like turning the hand over like this. Oh really? Yeah, that's why people will do that They'll turn you the upper hand is like big you're like Oh And then I've heard that politicians will like argue on who's on what side of the photo because when you're like that you're kind of like Turning your arm like Whatever Yeah What that's probably where that forearm grab brother shake comes from yeah, yeah, I would just do those Because I would suck I didn't think about that. You got to take the lesser. Yeah, it's very emasculating to be like Yeah, okay, it is I will say I'd imagine it is kind of a bleak existence though to be constantly mapping out these moves and you know Or it becomes this how you like just how you move to the world like nope I'm saying you have to like you'd be I can't imagine myself in a Social setting where I'm like taking it first of all handshake pictures crazy to be hard But then like being in that situation somehow gracefully like whipping the other human to the side that I want them like I just like be your hand. I just lack that yeah, I was just like doing this Spending around trying to I was just at a family party This weekend and my mother-in-law I would like took my coat off and I was just holding it and standing there by myself And I genuinely didn't know where to put it and I just stood there like that until my mother-in-law was like Matt come here I walked over to here. Give me the coat. I saw you over there struggling. I was like I just I just completely just skid fritzed out and just stood there with the coach going Until she was like I saw that and I was like oh, it doesn't make me feel any better But here you go. Thank you that seems like acting like a good house guest though Like you just not throwing it on the couch that'll feel like I would have came Yeah, I would have figured out a place when I was taking a little long and she noticed I guess I was kind of awkward also I was and I'm getting better at I was at the only white guy at the party. Yeah, I'm getting better at this man I swear to God. It's a skill. It's like a weird thing to be like. I don't know. Wow. Yeah worst nightmare I Just kidding well to be fair. I'm not great in any social setting, but yeah, once you throw once you're like a complete radical minority If I again if I was like only if I was last samurai action, I'd be fine with I'd be cool with that But like black people are like the touristic kind of cool So it's like I've learned what I here's my approach what I've learned you gotta As like I'm pretty shlubby in terms of dress code. Yeah, but you do out of respect got to get a little tiny bit fly Like just match something somewhat just out of respect for the house. That's hilarious Beginning just a you don't go full black That's almost like now you're a contender if I get to fly now It's like but if you get a little fly I feel like you're right away everybody's like I like Matt you have to get a tiny bit fly You still wear the hocus or do you switch? But I had there brightly colored hocus and that that morning my wife bought me a fleece Which isn't the flyest but at the blue did match a blue in my shoe and I was like I'm ready for the party Yeah, but my experience being around black people being the most genuine self you can be I feel exactly Yeah, this is true. I feel like if you try I Posted a photo on time with new balance sneakers and Nike socks and that's a no-no evidently I didn't I didn't know that but I think it's like charming that I'm like whoops. I agree because if you try to be like Especially start now stand up you go to like a black room with a white guy just talks different out of To my credit I used to I would go to black rooms and talk Pokemon I had no idea a lot of black people watch anime and I'm like man, it's Pokemon shit's fucking crushing But yeah, that is funny watching people like oh man, I don't even fucking know you're like No, I felt when I first moved to New York. I got in with this guy imagine I don't know if you ever met that comic. I think he's Puerto Rican, but he had all these like Imagine yeah Urban rooms I was doing all these urban shows and I would like crush because I was like I don't have sex And then I would see white guys be like what's up? I just got out of jail Like grew up around black people and they want to do comedy if you're not it's only one You can only be what Gary O's true Is brought up to me. He's like is your comedy like Gary Owens and I didn't know how to navigate it I was like not particularly no So what do you do? I was like that's different like how's it different? I didn't I was trying to think of like I Don't just talk about black stuff though Say that to the person I was like Is it like that? I was like sort of I heard he's actually a really cool actually did here. He's a really nice guy But I had to be like yeah, not really but the house is different. I can't really say Get up to think about Say your wife's whole family. It's not that black. It's not that black. That's all I was trying to say I think it's not as black as way blacker than I am. I'm about as 10th as black as Gary. That's what I should have said Less place less black more white boy crazy But yeah, I'm getting better. I'm telling you man. I think that was like my best one yet Kill it I Did Bosch they asked me if I had a player face and I was just like I don't know I don't remember what I said I was like, uh, I Don't know. I actually was married previously. You know, I've been divorced before but maybe between the Dude Well, I got married no 25, let's see that didn't go well, I could have been like I want to talk I could have been so many other things, but of course I had a play of me. Yeah, I know I know I know dude That's why again, you're gonna think you know you think about the balls you drop obviously all night, but I should have been like I fucking cheated my wife all the time No, it's great it was it was a great party for a lot of blast, but yeah, it is a man That's something man. I always you know, that's that's a wild thing. It's crazy I always say at the black people it's crazy to be like physically outnumbered by people who don't look like you Yes, but I put the script on you go. This does kind of change your thinking a little bit. You can this isn't the best Let's Let's reverse this back. I feel this freaky Friday's over. Let's give me that in a dominant position No, I had that one time years ago. I opened for I don't want to say his name. I get nervous, but a black comic Was famous and we were hanging out. I thought we were friends I mean this person has some sort of disorder and we were hanging out It was like all of his crew and I was like, this is great. Look at me You know and we were watching the basketball game and it came down to like the last play and I was like any predictions What do you think's gonna happen here? And this person snapped and was like, I don't predict I let what be be usually and then he like got up and started ranting about like slavery and stuff I was drunk and I was like, well, this is a bad situation It was me and like 14 guys and I was the only white guy He was like, this is what the white people have been doing and then there was a guy I was like, should I like get out of here? Oh, no, he does this. Yeah. Yeah, and I was quite Terrifying I have to say tell them that England ended slavery. I would have went into that. Yeah Actually, here's the thing Yeah, I was the kind of looking around like us if he gets these other folks on You know, yeah, but it was fine that is on I feel like I yeah, I've been in that situation where like You know horrors of the past kind of rear the drug We had a conversation that becomes the dialogue. Yeah, like, ah Yes, yes crazy was a global institution, but Let's practice all throughout the beginning of time he has What I think happens with white people that happens way more black people is y'all will end up in a situation like that around like regular Like black people that would feel that like act like that But black people are never around white people that if they all get fired up. It's uncomfortable Like I'm not around a bunch of red necks Like if they all started going like see that's the problem like but I've never I'm just a very like y'all right That's a great point, but uh Cuz cuz I was sitting like in my head. I'm like nobody's gonna do nothing to you But I can see it being like oh shit. I might have fucked up Yeah, I mean and then that situation I wasn't like I'm gonna die, but it felt like oh am I like Trust me and I can see myself getting in there if I was hanging with red necks just like straight up country Yeah, I don't know. I don't know that that's what it felt more like why I'll let you guys go you guys I felt like that a black church before I'm like am I hopefully I'm not like dampening this I want this guy to be able to do his thing. I'm not worried about me. I'm cool get to the back flips He wants to do the worm Well damn it dude, I think we I think we got it man. I think we got a lot. I think we did yeah I covered a lot of ground. I appreciate well. I had a breakfast was green tea and a smoothie, so I'm about to piss my Please you first I'm about to explode How about you Nate? Oh, no Max? It's kind of cool. I didn't have my coffee. Bum. Yeah, I'm really Coffee. Yeah, well, is there anything you want to My special yeah, I got a special called small I have four specials on YouTube the latest ones called small I meant to ask you about that by the way, dude. Maybe the most prolific dude ever. Oh, thanks. I appreciate that I see word for God's sake. You what I said spread the word for God's sake. I will tell somebody Yeah, so they're bunch on there. I hate myself enough for everybody this year's material and small ball They're all up there. I think each go down in order of views That's like 10 million two million One million eight hundred thousand now, but dude the prolificness I every time I opened up the other day I went what the fuck. Oh, thanks, man. Son of a bitch. I'm trying so I gotta stop them Now that's amazing dude, thanks man appreciate it. Thanks for having me this course, of course how quick blow please I'll knock this Mayor might be back for that one me Sean LaMair all back again September 16th, so next Tuesday, please please come. Oh and October 23rd helium. No, I'm Atlanta. Please. Thank you. Please come nice Please yeah, you go please pay. I'm gonna find my hands about the explode You