#751 - SHANE GILLIS + JOE ROGAN

Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHingeCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, TonyHingeCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad Merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Hey, this is RedBan company live from the Comedy Mother Ship here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Killtony, get over Tony, let's go! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? TV! Thanks for coming to the brand red band, man. Oh my god, we've done it again. You are here. How you guys feeling tonight? This is Killtony brought to you by Netflix, ladies and gentlemen. Where this upcoming Monday, January 12, Killtony, once upon a time in Texas, airs only streaming on Netflix. So we won't be on YouTube next week. We are only on Netflix. How cool is that, huh? Have a one more time for the best standband in the land. Carlos Sosa Raovalejo, Fernando Castillo, Matt Muleing on guitar tonight playing a Matt Muleing signature guitar from John Page guitars. That's John Dees on the Keys. And believe it or not, that is the real demaddeness live in the flesh. The Killtony band single pandemonium out now on Spotify and everywhere where music is played. Here's a little bit more of the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode possible. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen. And we are taking the actual Killtony show to Houston, Texas February 28th and Dallas March 28th. Go to TonyHinschcliff.com for tickets. Right now, come see an actual Killtony show in the great state of Texas. One in Houston, February 28th, one in Grand Prairie, March 28th, TonyHinschcliff.com. Get tickets now. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Yeah! You know, I love living here in Austin, Texas. And I just get to work with my friends every week. And this is one of those episodes where truly, two of my best friends in the world are on tonight's panel. Austin Zone makes some fucking noise for Joe Rogan and Shane Gillett. There we go. Yeah! Goddamn mother fucking right, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. We are here. Shane Gillett's doing the Lincoln Financial Field. AKA Eagles Motherfucking Football Stadium July 17th. Yeah, yeah, go to that. And Joe Rogan of the JRE, the number one show around the world. These are the homies. Normally, we get to hang out on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, some Thursdays, but tonight we are here on a fucking Monday, getting the week started right. How we feeling, gentlemen? Let's fucking go. Yes, man. Feel good. I feel excited. Legitimately, very excited and excited to be here. You guys are two of the best guests in the show's history. So you already know that this bucket is filled with over 250 or so of hopefuls names. Sometimes it's a great upcoming comedian who we haven't discovered yet. Sometimes it's an insane person that just signed up this week. You never know what can happen. I'm going to go, I'm going to let this guy whose eyes are extremely close together. I'm going to let you pick the first name tonight. You could wear a monocle and look through both eyes through a monocle. It's unbelievable. If I select one of these people out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds. Uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview. They get feedback from my dear friends here and we have a hoot nanny. The whole thing is improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show. We're going to get it started tonight with a golden ticket winner. Well, we go wrangle that innocent soul who's going to go up after him. This golden ticket winner is great at opening the show. Very neurotic, very, very wild boy. Make some noise. 60 seconds. Uninterrupted. A brand new set from Jack Shy. Everybody, here we go. Someone DMed me and they said, fuck you. Fuck the Jews. I don't support bombing hospitals. And I was like, go, that's not me. I'm not doing that. I have no partner that. If I did have a drone, I'd bomb the homeless people. That's, I mean, talk about making unwanted settlements. That's what I'm talking about. Okay, didn't go great. All right, cool. I'm just a silly little guy, dude. That's just what I am. My girl told me that it gives her the ik that I pee sitting down. So I got upset with her, okay? And I said, if you don't like me pee sitting down, you should see me pooping standing up. I thought I didn't go as great as I thought it would. Okay? Very cool. Awesome. Okay, got one more. Awesome. Hey, you guys hear this app rocket money? Okay. I got this out. And if you don't know what it is, it's an app that tells you the subscriptions that you have. And, well, I got the app. It turns out I have two rocket money subscriptions. Thank you guys. Jack Shaw. Oh. Really. Criticizing himself throughout his set, not leaving much work for us to do. I don't know why you had to bring up the DM that I sent you. Yeah. That was supposed to be between me and you. Jack, I mean, you know how that went. You thought it was going to go better, huh? I really did. Yeah. I really like, wow, that's going to go great. And I got out here and it wasn't. Why do you think it was? What do you think exactly happened here tonight? Yeah, that's a great question. And I think that maybe it was me. You are correct. That is the correct answer. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. How's life been going, Jack? It's been great. It's the last night of Hanukkah tonight, everybody. Wow, that's a way to get the Texas crowd on your side. Yeah. I actually brought some presents for all of you guys. That's kind of what I... You did? I brought some presents. Wow. Can you bring out my Hanukkah presents? Oh, my goodness. Yeah. There we go. It's Hanukkah time with Jack Shaw ladies. Hanukkah time and ladies first, so Tony. Oh. I actually got you something very special. I made you your very own Killtony Yamaka. Wow. Oh, okay. Great. Put that on. Put that on. Oh, it says I'm gay on it. There you go. Yeah. This is where all your preparation for this week's set went into. I love it. You should wear that. No, you should wear that. Shut the fuck up. No, just... I would just wear it. Like I said, tonight's episode is already brought to you by Netflix. I don't need to put it on. And rock it money. When the deals happen in two years, I might have to put this back on again. But for now, we good. All right. What else you got over there? Oh, we got... And then we got... I got something special for Red Band. Oh. I got you a lean cuisine. Because you're fat. There you go. Sure. This is going so much better than your set. This is incredible. Could you pass this down now? Wow, just a few, he actually ate it already. Of course there's nothing in it fatty. But if you tear it up properly, it actually turns into a lean cuisine Yamacav. Okay, what else, Jack? That's a good idea. I should talk to you more. Okay. And then, and then for our favorite Latino members of the band, I got you citizenship to the United States of America. Wow. And for the Latino Castillo Roe Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, and Michael Gonzalez, you are Americans. Wow. Absolutely incredible. How many gifts do you have left over there? Pretty much for everyone in the audience. Okay. And then John Dees, I got you something. I didn't really know what to get you. But Hans Kim told me to get you a bike lock so you could practice stealing. So, wow. Look at that. That's for you. Okay. We'll take care of that later. What else do you got there, Jack? Okay. Matt Muleing, I heard that you're a big liberal. Oh. Oh my God. Wow. The flag is crazy. You're near it? You go, wow, that just gets a frenic. Do you know what I mean? That flag is totally just gets a frenic. What is going on here? Apparently it's an inclusivity flag. That's all much happening in that flag. Yeah, I don't know what this is. Wait, did we get a white stripe on there? Hold on a second. This flag might fucking be all right. I don't know. There's a white power stripe on the flag. Crazy. We're fighting the good fight. You know that on the ground, dude? You can't be that. That's not what we're going to be. Wait around your shoulders like a prize fighter. This is a bat to wear, so I'll give that to him. I'm going to wear it like a cape fly away. That thing. The flag. You got to treat it like it's the Iranian flag. I don't know what that means. It means that it'll kill you if you leave it on the ground. Oh. Okay. You got to fold it properly. Yeah. Got it. I'll give it. Oh, no. I'm a panicking. I am a fully panicking. You're doing a good job. You're doing a good job. It's going to end up in a dumpster next to a Killtoni Yamaha later. It's all good. Dude, I spent $20 on that. Uh-oh. I really thought you'd like it, Tony. No, it's great. It's great. I really do. I'm just making jokes, Jack. Unlike you during your set tonight. Oh. His new, his new getter done is that didn't go how I expected it to. Have you ever thought about doing props? Yeah, right now. I think you should. I was talking to Carrotop about this because it's kind of crazy that he's the only guy that does props now. Yeah. When I first started out, there was a lot of prop comics. It was a common thing. But Carrotop got so big that the upcoming people thought they would be stealing if they started doing props. But I think it's a legitimate idea for you. This was like way funnier than the other stuff. Do you hear him? Very clever. You're very clever. You didn't like the rocket money joke? It was okay. I was okay. I was. I had two rocket money subscriptions. That's good. Yeah, it's good. That's good. You didn't get anything for D-Madness? That's the final gift of the night. D-Madness. I heard you lost your eyes in that tragic accident. So... Jesus Christ. It's not at all what happened, but... I got you some brand new eyes. Oh. Oh, they really broke. They really broke. They already broke, every time. Okay, I thought that was going to go better too. Okay, so that was this kill. Tony said. You did good, Jack. Thank you for all the gifts. Thank you. D-Madness, those are Googley eyes. You're wondering what's going on. It's good. Keep that trans flag away from D-Madness, or else he's going to light on fire. Famous homophob. D-Madness. Okay, that's your first comedian of the night. But now we go to the bucket where... Believe it or not, it's usually more insane. So we're going to see what happens here. Your first bucket bull tonight makes some noise for Kojak. Everybody, 60 seconds uninterrupted and then an interview. Kojak. Hey, people keep asking me why did Jake Paul dirty in the six rounds. I said, I'm like, come on, bra. I'm not even British. Stop playing. I do like boxing, though. I'm a wrestling piece to George Foreman, boxing legend. I died a couple months ago. You guys know George Foreman? Yes. Notably known for naming all his kids George Foreman, even the girls. But also, the George Foreman Grill. I'm sure you all had a George Foreman Grill, right? I just moved into my new apartment. I got a George Foreman Grill, but I'm a little cheap, so I got a knockoff version. I got the George Floydman Grill. It's sort of like the George Foreman Grill, but you got to press down extra hard to get the grill marks. I got the grill marks. I expected the grill marks to say BLT, but it ends up saying BLM. I'm so fucked up. That's what I give. I use the counterfeit 20 to pay for. So I guess that's what I can. Thank you. That's my time. Thank you. Kojak. Ladies and gentlemen. George Floydman Grill. Look at that. Welcome, Kojak. How long have you been on standup? Four years. What's we open? Since you opened this. About three years. As soon as the mothership opened, I started. Nice. What made you want to start then? I've been watching Killtony since 2015. Amazing. I saw you at home. How old are you? You look like you could be 20 or 65. I'm 46. Really? Wow. Look at that. Yeah. I believe it. You're doing good. How do you stay so young looking? I stay in the gym. I stay in the sauna. I stay there. Yeah. You have 24-hour fitness membership. Yeah, I'm fit. Man, I do some things. I'll lift, you know. You just looked at Joe Rogan and said, I love. I lift. I was uncomfortable. I lift weights. Stay shape. I run. All right. What do you do for a living? I am the number one waiter in Austin, Texas at a fine dining establishment. Okay. I took care of Shane. Like, what? Yeah. Less. Yeah, I was with Eget and McCann and Sam Talent. Yeah. Nice. Right after it. Yeah. I was with the name of the restaurant. Do you want to say? I don't fucking remember. It was good though. You were great. I didn't know you were so fucking racist. But I don't know. It's a bigger tip. Now that was crazy to do that in front of all these whites. Even I didn't like that. We got to be careful out there, man. A lot of George Floyd types out there. I saw a thrill on the way in. What does that mean? Where are you from? Billy! Go bird! Let's go. 20 second in diamonds. I'm playing. Oh, wow. All right. No HUD. Yeah. Wow. I take back every joke I made about you. How was I? I waited on you. Was I great? You were wonderful. I remember it. You don't want to say the restaurant because you think you'll get in trouble for a George Floyd joke? Is that what I'm picking up on? Yeah, definitely. I don't know what I'm going to my restaurant. Wow. I don't say it now. Definitely don't say it. You're going to fire you, bro. For those of you who may be not watching and just listening to the podcast, the Kojak is black. Everybody. I know he's extremely racist towards the blacks, but I promise you he is black. This is incredible. I just have a problem with George Floyd. Why? I'm trying to make they say that he was my hero. I had George Floyd and fucking P. Duney to look up to us heroes. That's on Bolsa. Yeah, man, I mean. You do use say what you got to say. Yeah. And I think all the educated blacks would agree. Oh, shit. Again, he's black. Where's Candice Owen's when you need her? Wow. Kojak, when you say you're the number one waiter in all of Austin, what do you mean by that? That means I was rated number one in all of Austin by anyone that comes in a take care of. Okay. All right. Take you like steak? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You like bone in filet? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like bone in my butt. Just speed me to the punch on that. Yeah, he's sad. I'm just saying, yeah, he likes hot dogs. Easy-gunny. Hot dogs and that's sick of us. Let's go. Oh, fuck it. Oh, fuck. Yeah, so I'll have sick hot dogs. That juice. We got a nice petite filet for you. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. All right, brother. Kojak, what do you do for phone when you're not doing stand-up or waiting tables? I do a lot of cooking at home. I have a, I am always at H.E.B. shopping. So I have a lot of H.E.B. My boyfriend is Puerto Ricans, so we make a lot of us. Puerto Ricans. Whoa. Whoa. A racist gay black. If you have that on your bingo card. Again, if you were on prize picks, if you were on prize picks, and you bet only $2. That the first bucket pool would be a gay black racist against black comedian. With only a $2 bet, you just won $3.5 billion. That's why you need to go to prize picks, use the promo cotoni. And place your bets. A $2 bet would have gotten you $3.5 billion. Gay black racist against blacks. Do you want to be my new best friend? No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Do you like hot dogs? I don't even know. We'll put those on your George Foreman grill. We'll have a hell of a night. Tell us about this Puerto Ricans boyfriend. What does he do for work? He works at H.E.B. Wow. I get that discount. Oh my god. What's he working? The bakery? No. He's in the meat aisle tone. What part of H.E.B. does he work at? He's a bagger. Ooh, a bagger. Oh, look at that. That's the only time he bags, right? Yeah. Raw dog motherfucker. That's right. I'm 20 years of senior, so I bagged him. Wow. H.E.B. Oh, racist gay. Racist gay black, get a file. You're that whole flag that was just out of your... Racist. Oh my god. Wow. Oh my god. How long have you been with this bagboy? Five and a half years. Wow. His end laws are... Well, my end laws are moving here. He's got his mom and his grandma in the come move. Oh my goodness. And it's a little bit of an age gap, but me and his mom are the same age. So that was... That was a hildigan over there. You're with a young... You've been with a young... How old? You're 47. 46? That's even worse. It's 15 years old. Like, why is he a bagger? There you go. Hey, shut up. How old is he, Coach Jack? Fucking mean. He just turned 25. Wow. Look at you. Oh, y'all care about gay shit. Now, get the fuck outta here. Like, y'all fucking care about gay shit all the sudden. I fucking outta here. Oh. I love it. H-E-B now, H-I-V later. How exciting. How exciting. How exciting. Oh, wow. That's fucking... Go. Well, Coach Jack, fun times. You know, I like the George Floyd men joke. I'm getting a big joke book, buddy. There you go. We're gonna keep it moving along. Hey, can you come? When you come? And I'll serve you to my restaurant. I don't know what fucking are you doing want to say the name of the restaurant? I don't tell you. Okay. The lowercase grill. The lowercase grill. Hey, let's go, dude. I don't know what you guys do. Oh, he knows. Thank you, you guys are right. That was great. There you go. All right. Coach Jack, everybody. There you go. There you go. Right out the back door, just like he likes it. Oh, there's the lovely Heidi, everybody. Look at her. She's gonna be working hard tonight on these Bud lights. Live in the flesh. Heidi Regina.com. She's got a podcast. A bunch of shit going on. On back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds on the interrupt. Did this look like a new name? Make some noise for Nick Tormi, everybody. Here we go. Nick Tormi. Hey, everybody. So a little bit about me. I'm not really great at falling through on things. Like, I dropped out of community college twice. I tried hanging myself, wound up with the choking fetish. I had a rope broke from the ceiling, but I shot a few more right back up there. Never know when you're gonna find a new hobby. Like, you think I would never found out they're good at a park core by attempting suicide? Are they jumping from the building? Then the moment before impact, they tuck and roll. Some French guy show up, ask me, you start playing? I think it's a much more likely someone's attempted park core and found out they're good at suicide. All right. There he is. Nick Tormi. Is there first time on the show, Nick? Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome. How long you been on standup? About six years. Nice. Where at? Mostly Salt Lake. Okay. That's where you live still? No, I moved on here in August. Okay. How do you like Austin? I love it. It's awesome. What do you love about it? I like that there's no winner. I'm a big fan of that. Winter. Yeah. I'm from upstate New York. Then I lived on top of a mountain in Utah in a van for four years. Yeah. Fucking drive down. I'm not a smart man. I love it. What do you do for work? I did work at the skiers art for a while. That doesn't exist down here. I'm working for Amazon right now. I'm working for the devil. It's pretty fun. You're driving? Yeah. Okay. What's that like? Tell us about it. What do you need about it? They have you on a camera at all times. It's like an AI camera that's tracking you the whole time. And I also threw up my back yesterday. I saw it walk around like quasi-modo for most of my deliveries. Wow. The last comic blew out his back too. Yeah. So Nick, tell us more. What do you win, buddy? Do you have any special skills or talents that you have? I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. I'm gonna get her to an open mic. Oh, nice. She does comedy, too. Yep. Wow. Interesting. Did she sign up tonight? She did. She's over. She's at the bar next door. Yes, she is. Coltina, who that is? Holly. What is it? Holly. Holly, what? Jensen. Holly Jensen. Goograb, Holly Jensen. Let's see. Googha funny, his person in this couple is always spontaneous fun here. Holly Jensen. Holly Christmas. You come on, folks. How did you get into collective taxidermy? Uh, she got me into, I got her a taxidermy frog. It's like a cane toad, like the invasive species in Australia. It's like a purse. Uh, she has it with her. Uh, toad toad to bring the frog. Let's see the frog. That's so crazy. My wife would stab me. No, she loved it. And we got, uh, we got some bats. We got some mice in a teacup. Was she doing van life with here? Did you meet her here? She, you know, uh, she lived in the van for a year. Ooh, did you ever get close to the old, uh, patino? I do like national parks. Big fan of parks system. Like a fight in a van would suck. Oh, it's awful. Yeah, there's not much room. Yeah. Yeah, I think I saw a documentary on Netflix about this. Yeah. Oh, it was my joke, you dumbasses. Oh, you did? Yeah, I said her name. Oh, I missed. Say her name. I love it. So you got bats. You got rats. What else? Uh, we got a taxidermy Fox. We just got, uh, we got a praying mantis. Uh-huh. And she found a big dragonfly in the woods that we're keeping in the freezer right now until we can... Shit. Oh. They say there's something in there. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. They say there's someone for everyone. Yeah. See you guys. They use sea proof. See you guys have a place. It's here in Austin. Yeah, what does she do for work? Uh, nothing right now. Wow. Looking for something. Okay. Yeah. All right. Do you get, like, used taxidermy, like, people that have died, that have, like, sold it? Like, so it's like creepier? Oh, God. She would probably love that, for sure. But, uh, no, we went to a store. They had human skulls too. It was weird and spines. Oh, ladies and gentlemen. Well, I guess they just sent her out. Okay, that's one way to do it. Uh, I... Got that. Can I see that, Frog? Yeah. Oh. Wow. That is awesome. It's got a little butthole. Is that real? Yeah. It looks, like, eight. 100% real. Uh, how do you know it's real, Joe Rogan? He's an invasive species in Australia. He's a cane toad. His name's Winston. He's our son. Wow. Terrifying. Look at that. That's legit. That's incredible. I think it's a... I don't see a dick on it. I don't know if it might be your daughter. Uh, Holly, you want to do the set that you were planning on doing here? That's how I would have done it. Instead of just sending her out randomly. I would have brought her up. Ladies and gentlemen, doing 60 seconds on and her up to make some noise for Holly Jensen, everybody. So I'm actually from Salt Lake City, Utah. I just moved here. And the first thing everybody always asks is if I'm Mormon. I'm not. I'm Jewish. But I did have a lot of Mormon boyfriends growing up. The cool thing about Mormon boyfriends is they have some really weird rules. Like, they won't drink coffee, but they will finger a Jew. Uh, I've been having a hard time getting a job out here in Austin. When I was in Salt Lake, I was a stripper. Thank you. So much more support of them, my parents. They hated the stuff that I would do at work. Like I loved showing up with googly eyes as pasties. Turns out men don't like it when the tits stare back at them. Um, she kept going wrong at the strip club. Like one day our DJ didn't show up, so we had to dance to Pandora Radio with the commercials on. So I was just working on some old dude like, do you struggle with osteoporosis? Thank you. That's my time. Wow. Holly Jensen. Oh my God. This is one of the rare comedy couples where the woman is funnier than the man. Again, if you bet this on price picks, you just won $750,000. Yeah. He's taking her straight to a state park. I can't have that. You cannot allow that. You have to kill her now. You have to kill her. Yeah, she's about to be... Maxidermi, her bro. Yeah. She's about to be in the freezer next to the dragonfly. Holly, you're hilarious. How long have you been doing stand up? Eight years. Awesome. And that was all in upstate New York or Salt Lake City. Oh, Salt Lake City, Utah. And that's where you're from. Yeah. Amazing. Absolutely incredible. Why don't you work? Oh. I mean, I've been trying. I've been applying to jobs. What are you good at? What do you want to do? I'm good at stripping. I love doing so. Really? I love doing both of those things. So, yeah, a job in either of those things would be great. You've done... You've stripped before? Yeah. Amazing. Heidi, what do you think? Can you get her a job? You just got a job at the yellow rose. Congratulations. Oh, God. Or at least an audition. This is the worst night of this guy's life. What are you doing? Why are you... Why are you... Why are you... Why are you... Oh, my God. No, you're fired. Yeah. This poor guy is going to be all alone. Somarro night at 2.30 a.m. Petting a fucking dead bat. Yeah. He talked about he tried to kill himself. Holy shit. Well, you guys fucking just did something real special here. Very entertaining. We got a small one for Nick. You guys want him to get a big one? All right. You guys are both getting big ones. There you go. There goes Nick Tormi and Holly Jensen, everybody. You know what, Holly? Next year, I would love to have you on the secret show. All right. Next year? All right. All right. Why'd you wear it like that? Because he's anywhere? Completely bossing me. Me, January? No, next Thursday's Christmas, a week after... So January. Yeah, so January. Say fucking January. Yeah, just say the next secret show. Yeah, another heavier next decade, don't I? Jesus Christ. You're unbelievable. Well, it's been a hell of an episode so far. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Floyd Jones, everybody. Here we go. So are we just going to act like Kanye wasn't a Nazi? That's just how we're okay, perfect. I don't know if you guys heard he actually changed his name. He's Kanye Ausch West. Yeah, Kanye, which is crazy. Like he said he was done making music, done making controversial statements. He's actually going to open a chain of all natural grocery stores. It's going to name a Trader Jews. I don't think it's problematic to say the least. But I like the thought of restaurants just fucking up. I think it'd be cool if Olive Garden gave abortions. Because then their tagline could be when you're here, you were almost family. Speaking of how I'm a piece of shit at restaurants, you guys thought I was Puerto Rican. I'm black. I promise I've got the paperwork. I'll get 23 in meat right now, even though they just sounds like a cool movie about Michael Jordan. But why people just need to know they're like, I just want to make sure, like, God. And so I like to go to sushi restaurants because the waitress is never black. And when she comes over, I go, hi, could I get some salmon niggery? And she's like, whoa, you mean Nickyery? I thought I'd... Wow. Oh, man. All right, that's a lot of oozing azz during that set. Lloyd Jones. Well, welcome, Floyd. Is this your first time on the show? Yeah, talking to the grab in that microphone, buddy. I don't know how that happened, yeah. Okay, welcome, welcome. How long you been doing comedy, Floyd? Since, like, 2021, you know, January 6th, right? Okay, if not great. Okay, Shane knows. Oh my gosh, you're Rogan. You know, yeah. You, hey, man, without you. Oh, man. Oh, man. All right, all right. Let's go! Let's go! Fuck. These are your heroes, Joe. Honestly, this, like, Pokemon. It's like you started totally you into Shane, and you're like, ah! The charge art himself, dude. Holy fuck. Ah, dude. Let's go! Where was this? Where was this? You're so funny. Dude, I wasn't ready for it. I'm sorry, yeah. Oh, people are having better interviews than sets tonight. Yeah, yeah, hey, hey. Floyd, tell us about you. What do you not do for a living? I just, I, here, I guess, here. What do you, no, I play music, man. I'm a professional musician. And a metal band, yeah. Really, you're a drummer? Yeah. Well, I mean, it's been a long time since we've done this, but for those of you that are fans of the show, that if anybody that does comedy on the show, drums, we have a little thing where they get a drum solo and our house drummer gets a drum solo. And if the guest drummer is able to beat our drummer in a drum off, they become the full-time drummer of the show. Like Highlanders. A drum off here. And if you beat Michael Gonzalez in the drum solo off, you become the full-time drummer on the show. And Michael has to dress like a five-year-old and play in a metal band. This is a Mexican drum off, ladies and gentlemen. Now, I must warn you, Floyd Jones. Michael Gonzalez, all time is undefeated here on his home turf. But I'm guessing that Floyd, since he does this for a living, might have a little something, well, we know he doesn't have anything up his sleeve because he's wearing a basketball jersey. But I'm guessing he is very talented. Let's see what happens here. This is Kilt Tony, brought to you by Netflix, January 12th. One, two, three, four. And then, I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. There you go. That is indeed a drum solo. That is the good one. That is the good one. I really fucking hope Michael puts it together here. I would hate to look at those flabby arms every week. An incredible amount of blatant ozemic weight loss on this guy. Wow, defending his throne. Undefeated all time in Mexican drum-offs. On his home turf, this is Michael Gonzalez. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. Yep. Thank God, almighty. Really tied it together there at the end. Let's see. Unfortunately, it's not up to us. It is up to the live audience here. Do we have a decibel meter? I can't remember. We have it going. All right. So here we go. How many of you have Micheal Gonzalez winning? Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. It wouldn't be the first time, but... LAUGHTER Floyd, you gave it a hell of a run. It was very good. Good interview. Good set. I guess you get to keep those drumsticks. There's a big joke book. Oh! There he goes. Floyd Jones, ladies and gentlemen. APPLAUSE There goes Floyd saying goodbye to Shane and Lord Charizard or whatever he's saying. LAUGHTER There's another Bud Light brought to you by Bud Light. APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, this is a special time in the show's history because we have a brand new regular who has absolutely taken the show over by storm. This is a brand new set. They get to do a little bit longer than a minute if they want. And this is the dark storm of Atlanta, ladies and gentlemen. He is here. Make some fucking noise for Dejric Flan. Yeah! Oh my God. What you know about being the only black dude at a country music festival in Kennesaw, Georgia, Carl Shaking Boots Festival? Yeah, now I only found that out because when I walked into the venue, a dude ran up to me out of breath and he was like, Hey, my nigga, you know you are a uniform, right? And I was like, no, I'm here for the festival. I love Blake Sheldon. I love Kenny Chesney. And then he was like, nigga, stop lying. I got an extra vest in my car. And I was like, no, I'm here for the festival. And I showed him my ID. And I showed him my badge. And he looked at my ID. And he looked at my badge. And he looked at me. And he looked at my... Tasha! You gonna want to hear this? So Tasha came over. I met Tasha. She did the same thing. Jamal! I met everybody one by one. I met all 37 black people like I'm a black Noah's Ark. They kept calling me the daywalker. They said I was bleeding. And it was a great country music festival, man, because all the black people that I was working at Vinc had given me free drinks. But they also had reentry. They stopped doing it. They had reentry into the festival. So we just go to the car and like parking lot, pump, drink beers. And the reason why we knew was time to go drink beers is because my best friend, Jesse, who was a redneck Filipino, but raised black. And she was my best friend. Her oldest sister, Jackie had just had a kid and she would look us in the face and she would be like, I need to get out of here. My tits about the pop. I gotta go pump. So we would go back to the car. And she's chugging beers. We're all drinking beers. And she's pumping. But she pumped more than like a regular... A white woman could never pump as much milk as it takes to make a redneck Filipino that's raised black. Like my nephew Maxwell today, he's 10 years old. He's taller than me. So she's pumping a lot and I'm looking at her teddy milk and I wanted to taste something but I didn't know how to ask. And then God, God got my bag so much. He confused my friend Derek. My friend Derek saw me looking at the breast milk and he was like, yo, I bet you $100 you want to drink Jackie's breast milk. Nika, I was already thinking about it. She got a husband. I don't know how you ask somebody like a young couple. How do you get if you had breast milk, I gotta be like, hey, excuse me brother. This breast milk, you ain't bring to your kids. You got alcohol in it. Can I sit something before you pour it on the ground? Before $100, I could at least buy one T-shirt while I'm inside the goddamn place. So I was like, hell, you let's run it. And so they brought the funnel out because it was too much of a teddy milk to just sip. It was too much of a sip. You got to bring the funnel out. It was like two gallons of teddy milk, she was pumping. And I chucked it all in eight seconds flat. I was doing a great job. So I don't know if y'all love titties as much as I do by our research. Breast milk tastes like whatever the mom is eating and drinking. So her teddy milk just tastes like ticata and tequila with a little bit. It tastes like a redneck full of peanut or chata. It tastes like a little redneck full of peanut or chata. But also, y'all study titties as much as I do, you would know that a teddy milk has all the vitamins. I've had a hangover in 12 years, nigga. Ah, I'm so good. Have a time, I'm going all the y'all. Dead trick. Plenty. Ladies and gentlemen. Dead trick, it is so fun to watch you perform. Two weeks ago, you had regular teeth. You're getting better with the grill. And there is a slight speech impediment still there. One of my favorite parts of this set is when you said I wanted to taste them, but I didn't know how to ask. The grill is affecting those asses. It is. It is. I'm not using money, Tony. It's amazing that you're willing to make the Thacker fight. Out with the asses. In with the gold teeth. Still making it work. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. No, you don't. Yo, you used to, you used to disguise in that forehead. That shit is big as hell. Yeah, that shit swooped over, but it's still a bad damn plasma screen TV. That's good. No. It's a good look. Don't let anyone talk to you. Take your head off, Sam. Fuck you, dude. Don't. David Lucas was good at it. We already have one, David. Don't do that. Hey, my pocket's fat enough, but not me. You have me, David Lucas. David's a whole, David Lucas is also wearing a grill right now. It's a green egg. Okay. Is that right, green egg? It wasn't the reference that threw it off. It's in the news, look. My delivery's a little bit floppy tonight. I'll take them out. No, it's not. I won't talk to you. I was good to see you all. Y'all look good. Yeah, I'll get you more teeth if you kill David Lucas. What you guys think of a series? Dead. Dura. Oh, key, dokey. All right. Dead, jerk, how's life been going? Man, I'm doing good. I got damn torn like a motherfucker. We just left Lincoln, California together. Yeah, I took Dead, jerk on our first road gig together. That was fun. That was fun as a mother. I ain't never been on a private jet. I was so used to getting pat down. They just walked down and was like, would you like a coffee? And I was like, am I an interrogation? I'm ready to snitch on you. I don't know what you did. Yeah. It was a fun trip. We, especially the ride back in. Yeah, that was so much. Yeah, it was a blast. It was actually a... Very good, Red Band. Yes, we banged Red Band. It was fucking just something. I like where he's gone. Yeah, of course. Dude, you did learn. Yeah. That was fun. That's why his new list actually comes from. Not to see it. All right. All right. Yeah. Dead, jerk, dead, jerk, dead, jerk. Yeah. You guys have seen Dead, jerk, the dark storm of Atlanta. What are our thoughts, Joe Rogan, other than Jacket and his hat? What do you like about him? Oh, he's just got a completely new style. It's like your own thing. It's great. I love it. Thank you so much. I've seen you before in a bunch of times. Found you this fun. Fun. Get rid of the grill, though. It's ridiculous. He came and thought. You know you got money. Either get real gold teeth or stop fucking around. Okay, those are not even fake tips. You're just the rubber ones you're stuffing your bra. Instead of goddamn operation and commit to a look. That's fucking good. That's fucking good. That's fucking good. That's so crazy. That's so real. Oh, there you go. That's what I like. Hey, Joe, like commitment. You can affect how much I get paid every week. You got enough. Get me the real gold teeth. Nick, I don't give a fuck. I got this to prove to my neighborhood I was doing good. But Nick, if you, Joe Rogan, Joe, you know, you know Joe Rogan. You know Joe Rogan. Name one thing about me. All right. All right. So you had a power to change my whole life, Joe Rogan. You could put those on like a rope and just wear them around your neck and everybody would know you have money and they would be able to hear you pronounce your S's correctly. Yeah, I'm gonna say right now, Tony, I'm from the South. We ain't pronounced no S or T's the whole time I've been talking. But sometimes they don't understand me on the internet. So I could talk how I want to. I agree. I agree. I got slid. Freedom of, freedom of speech. Uh, Dejric, you've done it again. We love you. Freak of nature. The dark storm of Atlanta has graced us with his presence. On and on we go. Back to the bucket. This person has to follow Dejric. Make some noise. 60 seconds on and they're up to it for what appears to be a new name. Tyler Cole. Everybody here comes Tyler Cole. Do you all think Indians do that head bob thing when they're sucking dick? Oh my god, this is so big. Uh, did you all hear Joe Biden woke up today? Yeah, so six more weeks of recession. That's what that means. So I went on a first date the other day told the girl I was a comic and she said, no way. I'd love to see you perform some time and I said, well, we should probably have sex first. So you can appreciate just how long five minutes really is. It's a long time I swear. Do we have any fans of Jersey Shore in here? Yeah, someone told me their day. I just remember on the upcoming spin off Gaza Shore. It's just five Jews in five Palestinians arguing for an hour. This bedroom was promised to me. Someone also told me I look like the situation in the Middle East. And then they said it looks like my forehead could bench press 225 pounds. That was really rude. I've been Tyler Cole. Thank you guys. Tyler Cole. Making fun of himself throughout. Fun stuff. Tyler, welcome. Is this your first time on the show? It is. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been on stand up? Uh, four months now. That chain's kind of tight, huh? A little bit, yeah. Are you a pitbull? What is going on? What exactly is happening over there? Is that the size that you wanted to be? I got the size wrong. Why would you wear it? I was you ever wearing it. Did you just wrap Dedrick's grill around your neck? It's like an auto-erotic fixation thing, you know? Something. I guess. You're trying to look cool, right? You got me. But once you put it on, where are you like, no? I was like, fuck it, I spent 50 bucks. How much did you spend on that? 50 bucks, he was right. Wow, ladies and gentlemen. Shane Gillis. No, you don't think I've run into a tight chain? I've got to take that thing off, too. Where'd you get it, like hot topic or something? Well, what is... I did indeed get it at a hot topic, yes. Did you really? No, I forget, I don't know. You forget where you got the chain that squeezes your neck all day? It's because it's so tight, I forgot. You get it when you're in fifth grade. Just grew into it, like, when I was fucking African, ladies. Fucking neck big. Ah! What part of New Jersey are you from exactly, Tyler? He's head is gonna fall off of me. Takes it off. I'm from Austin, Tony. Born and raised in Austin. Born and raised. Wow, with a pinky ring and a choker. Yep. Lean it into it. Amazing. What ethnicity are you? Oh, white? Regular white. Yeah. Cold. Not Italian. It's a buttered noodle. Wow. Not Italian. No, not at all. It's not. You're not Italian. Pinky ring and an necklace. A rubber-gul shirt. How does this happen? Explain to us how this happened. What exactly, how did you end up trying to be Italian? It's the chain. It's the chain. People have the chain and it took over. He's a wago. He's a wago. Instead of a dago, he's a wago. You are a wago. He's a white dago. He's a wago. Just a big soprano's fan. Well, so am I. You don't see me not getting blood to my brain because of it. Tyler, what do you do for work? I sell houses. Do you really? I do really. Time shares? No houses. Regular houses. Regular houses. Are you good at it? Pretty good, yeah. Okay, you see the fucking drip. Yeah, I see he's doing all right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When's the last time you exactly that you sold a house? When you closed on a house? When was it? It was in October, but I have a closing coming up tomorrow. Okay, what are you closing on tomorrow? Just a 2000 square foot house in South Austin. Okay. What'd you sell it for? How much? 380,000. Wow. Yeah. Fuck you. Hell yeah, I did. I might be able to add a few links to that necklace. All right, your boy. I love it. Okay. What do you do? How long have you been doing stand up? Four months. Four months. What made you want to start four months ago? Kill Tony. How are you? 31. 31. And you've just been watching the show and you're like, I could do that. Yeah. Okay. He's been hitting up in my ex and getting booked by local promoters. I love it. Yeah. You're taking it seriously and you seem to be doing good at it. It's good for fun when you're not doing stand up and selling houses. I'm pretending to be Italian. I like to shoot clays. And when it's warm out, wake boarding. Powder boarding. Yeah. When you shoot clays, do you get the gun out of the bathroom first? Yes. It's a godfather reference. Godfather jokes. I love it. You shoot clays. What else did you say? Lakesports. Lakesports. Like what? What exactly? Wakeboarding, wake surfing. Wow. Amazing. Amazing, Tyler. What's your love life like? You have a little chicken parmesan or something. Single currently. Single. When's the last time you had a girlfriend? A few years ago. Okay. My phone. My phone. Why are you fake Italians? Who the fuck wants to be Italian? Hey, what the fuck? Hey, take it easy. You do whops, dude. You fucking do it in a getting sandwich right now. Yeah. Oh my god. It's a crazy race to appropriate. What the fuck are you talking about? You might just started acting like Polish. What the fuck? I don't like being Polish. What the fuck? Who compares the Italians to the Polish? No, he's two of the wire. Now I'm a Polo. I got one. What the fuck? You're not Polish? No. I do look pretty fucking Polish, yeah. Pretty glaringly Irish. But whatever. Yeah. You don't see me wearing shirts about it. So this relationship that ended a few years ago, how did it end? Uh, found out she was married. Wow. Okay. I love this. My god, am I good at these little interviews? How did you find out exactly how did you find out that she was made? How long were you hookin' up with her? Give us a ballpark here. Well, it was like nine months in that she told me she was. Nine months in and she just told you. Yeah. When we first started dating, she said that you were dating. You were a dating. You were fucking and hanging out sometimes. She was married. Go ahead. When we first started fucking, she said she was divorced. Uh, and then nine months later, she was like, oops, actually, I'm not divorced. Okay. Where were you exactly when she told you this? Were you at a best buy perhaps? No, we were barting together at a club on 6th Street and she told me while I was at work. Wow. Amazing. And that was that. Yeah. She must have been fun. Yeah. He's very serious. Can you give us an example of the favorite stuff? Where is the bitch that doesn't tell you she's married for nine months. Yeah. Working alongside you and fucking you and let's go to dinner. Fucking maniac. I bet she was so much fun. Can you give us an example of a fun sexual experience that you had with her? You guys ever banged at the bar or in the car outside? We did in fact banged at the bar, yeah. You banged at the bar? Yeah. The bar, the bar, the diggy diggy. The bookie said, up, chop the bookie. Banged at the bar, the bank. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Uh, take us through this. How do you bang at the bar, the bar, the bar, the diggy diggy. Just various locations, you know. This is you guys closing? Yeah, we already closed like an hour ago. Yeah. And she grabbed you by your chain and said, come over here. That's what it sounded like. That's Tom Sagar after breaking his arm. Oh. Ha, ha, ha, ha. It didn't hold you. It's the actual. It was in my podcast today. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Uh, so let me ask you this. Yeah rules, sir. Because you're at the bar, right? It's you're serving beverages. But you're with a married woman. So where are you finishing? You have to, I do, is it inside or are you pulling out? That's a really good question. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Fuck you. Fuck you. There's a, there's every answer is bad. Yeah, it's got, she was on birth control. Oh, wow. Oh, my, oh, cream pie. Yeah. It's the initial delivery of daddy. It's a fake canole. It's not actually a cream pie. It's a vegan canole. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Poor guy. Poor guy eating her out later. I'm so in for the bar. Oh, yeah, I'm so happy. I'm so happy. How is your name? Salty. Yeah, Italian? Yeah. Taste like... Why did you taste like dairy free Alfredo? Wow. Oh, my God. Mountain house meal. Absolutely incredible. That's an evil world. Evil world, man. Wife's pieed by a wolf at the bar. Don't stand on spending. I'm about you. Did the husband ever find out? This is the billion dollar question. I mean, they were separated, so they didn't live together. They weren't reminded. How those fuck do you know? I went to her house a few times. Whoa. Did they have kids? No, no kids. No kids. Yeah. But they got back together. She told you and you haven't banged since. They did not get back together. They didn't get back together. But she was still married. Okay. Well, that's interesting. Yeah, that's a whole different... Are they happy, Annick? So then why would you... Why would... So... I don't really get it. She tells you that... She's fun, Tony. You'll just let a girl have fun. Yeah, Tony. But we want to stop out all the crazy people in this world to make everything fucking boring. No, I just don't understand. Let her fuck the guy at work. She yelled at you to come inside. I have no more questions. You're honored. Did you yell? Tell us. Tell me. There's no more. I need to hear shit like this. Come on, Python. Please call you. What was her nickname for you? There was no nickname. Yeah, there was. Oh my God. Oh my God. The fuck have a head. The fuck have a head. The fuck have a head. The fuck have a head. This guy. What was the name of the bar that you guys were banging on? Oh, don't do it, Tony. Don't ruin everyone's lives. Yeah, I'd rather know. Tyler, the set was for four months. Pretty good. The interview. Unfuckin' believable. Here's a big joke book. There you go, my friend. Tyler Cole, the hell of a catch. Hell of an interview. Very honest. Remember, you future Kill Tony bucket pulls. We love an honest interview. Some people get scared. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. Some people get scared. All right, this looks like a new name. This looks like a fun name. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together. Or diamond Debbie, everybody. Here comes Diamond and Debbie. Oh my God. Let's fuck and go. Guys, you got to do better than that. Make some noise for Diamond. Debbie, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, blue hair, ladies. We know things. By this age, I know, and I had too much to drink. I got like you, youngins. This diaper's leak, y'all. I was a single mom with the only child. And I highly don't recommend that to any youngins either. If only I'd had a litter. Surely one of them would have failed it life. And wanted to stay home and take care of me. And what's all this about the T word? We had that T word back in the 60s, y'all. Tom Boy. Most of us grew out of it. The rest became y'alls GM teachers. Well, I was looking for love and all the wrong places during the pandemic. I mean, the nursing homes. But, you know, the competition's pretty stiff. They're women out, live men. And there's a lot of Debbie's in there. I'm telling. But by now, even the guys with dementia, after four or five times, they got it figured out. I'm not Debbie with the pop out plate. Nah, not me. They can see me coming. They just call me. Oh, Bluetooth. Well, that's it. When life beats you up and you got to start over like, I'm always having to do. I just say Jesus, take my joystick. I'm coming home. Thank you. Wow. Diamond Debbie. Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome. Oh, my goodness. This is your first time on the show. I would remember you. Well, you know, you walk by me a few times in my chair, but, you know, I'm, you know, crotch level. Okay. Yeah, yeah. So I get overlooked a lot. This is my 11th sign up. No fucking way. I have been, I have been first in line, at least 90% of those times. And Tony, you've got to do some exercise. Your wrist never goes to the bottom of the bucket. You'd be surprised. Peace surprise. Uh, Diamond Debbie, how many centuries have you been doing stand-up comedy? Yeah, Diamond, how come you didn't let Jack on that fucking door? Those... Titanic joke. Yeah! That big deal. Rocky money. She's, she's either the girl from Titanic or the rock that she threw in the bottom of the ocean. I can't tell exactly. I am a heavyweight. Oh, de-manus is making his move right now, ladies and gentlemen. You know, Dean, I had an agreement. See, because I grew up playing bass guitar, but I didn't have one at home to practice someone. So he plays about year and I only sight read, so it wouldn't be fair. Fuck yeah, Diamond Debbie. But seriously, how long you been on stand-up? 111 sign ups, but... Okay, I started in seven years ago and right the same month that I started it, I got run over. I got... My wheelchair is crashed test approved by the T-O-D-O-T a Tesla in me. It was going 45 miles an hour. Yeah, but I'm fucking... If Elon Musk had been driving, I'd be okay, but the dentist was driving. I'm scared of the Tesla head and a trash can. Hold on a second. You were in your wheelchair and you got hit by a Tesla? Going 45 miles an hour across the street in my neighborhood. And that Tesla got messed up on him. My...my chair was laying on the ground and I was standing up at the end of the road. Oh, fuck, we doing out the roads. Well, you know... Oh, my God. That's...it's someone I want to talk about, yeah. You know, it's odd, but we do have the right to go outside. Wow. Diamond Debbie. This is incredible. It's only 25 years old. That's why she looks like that. Yeah. Not honey, I got socks all in you. Damn, right. And red band's like 55. So that's crazy. How old are you, Diamond Debbie? I'm 67 years old and on 111, and this is my 11th sign up, I'll be 68. Wow. Look at that. 111, your 68, 112, the new Netflix special, Killtony, once upon a time in Texas, streaming live on Netflix. Give something to do the day after your birthday. How exciting is that if you make it there? Well, I think my daughter's phone number is in your phone, so... Uh-oh. But she hasn't talked to me in nine years. Okay. Yeah. Your name, Little Debbie? Yeah. Very exciting. Can we get a phone unlocker? Very exciting, Diamond Debbie. Damn, she couldn't even hear that Tesla coming, huh? That must have... It just came out of fucking nowhere. Or did you see it? You're like, oh. She's a burlesque performer, and she's very, very famous. Oh, I see. Your daughter is a famous, or less famous? Oh, well, let it go, Tony. Yeah, she is. Really trying to hook me up with her daughter. No, no, no. Cubic zirconium, Debbie. No. Okay. Debbie, let's talk about it. What the fuck have you been doing the last 67 years? Well, my favorite thing is see, I grew up in a day when women couldn't get car loans or buy houses. So I went to love to take auto mechanics or shop. So my favorite hobby right now is taking in the quantum wheelchair like I have, and fixing them up and giving them to people, and helping them learn how to drive and go outside, because, you know, you've been locked up too long in the pandemic, and without home health care, you can go get your own groceries. It's fun. Wow. Yeah. Okay. Wait. I get around. I got six and a half miles an hour in the e-bike plane. Wait, you got hit on the road where you fucking flyin'? Yeah. You're like going somewhere? Yeah. Where you going like fucking mo-packed? Well, you don't cross the street slowly in Austin. Oh, you're crossing the street. Yeah. Well, I'm sorry. I thought the way you were talking to you were like going to like the grocery store. Just fucking flying. Rip. No. I'm sorry. I thought you were juicing those things up. No, they do fly. Like the water boys track. You're not here yet. Yeah. Sorry. You guys all like it. Fine. It's so good. Diamond Debbie. What made you want to start stand-up comedy? Well, it's funny. I was doing toastmasters, and I'd like to give hour-long speeches, and the guy that was- Hold on. Hold on. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. What's toastmasters? It's an organization to help you learn how to give speeches professionally. Right. And so I signed up with them because it was online, and the friend told me that he could talk for an hour, and all anybody remembers is a couple of jokes. So I'm like, wow, I tell jokes instead. So that's why I do it. Wow. Look at you. You're such a little charming lady. Where are you from? Oklahoma's my home. Okay. I'm here with an Oklahoma, yeah. All right. And you drove your wheelchair all the way here. Yeah. Bro, you're going to hell. Because of this? Actually. You think, dude, if I go up to the gates- Yeah, he's just a bit. If I go up to the gates, and they're just like, you remember this, like, it's fucking Diamond Debbie. I'm going to be pissed. All this shit I've done- That's a straw. Where'd you get your name, Diamond Debbie, were you like a stripper at the Black and White Rose or something, or? No. Great question, Red Band. That was a solid joke. That was a solid joke. Black and White Rose, that's a solid joke. Oh, I get it. I get it now. I'm so used to jokes not making you a thingy for that. I'm like this. That's the jammy right here. I'm so... I don't... What the... How did you get the name Diamond Debbie? Well, I've been... A diamond lasts forever, and you clearly won't. I've died. Oh, my God. We all die. What's going on? We all die. She's got a sense of humor. The bitch has signed up 111 times. If anybody can take a joke, it's her. Not you fucking pussy. So I started writing my second book, which is Debbie Dassas in my wheelchair. And the star of it was Debbie Diamond. So I'm Diamond Debbie. Wow. Wait, so you wrote a book about... I'm writing a book called Debbie Dassas in my wheelchair. When's the Tesla chapter? The Triple X chapter? Is the next chapter? Well, I'm waiting for my happy engine. I haven't had a day. It's your turn to the... Debbie doesn't do a Austin. I haven't had a date since I had my last pelvic floor. Oh, sorry. Hold on. Hold on. Time out. Time out again. You haven't had a date since when? I had my pelvic floor vault. Pelvic floor vault. Vault. Vault. What does that mean? What does that mean? Ladder comes out and they put it back in. Okay. Don't laugh like that, Diamond. Diamond, don't look at me in laugh like that. It makes me laugh. I can't conduct my interview with you laughing like that. You're the cutest gremlin I've ever seen in my life. So... Where'd it come out? Yeah. Yeah. So I haven't had a date since then. Yeah. I haven't had a date since I moved to Austin 11 years ago. I tried to date this one guy, but he thought he was above me because he's in a role later. He's in a what? A role later. That's a walker with wheels on it. Oh, okay. Have you kissed a boy since moving to Austin? No. Well, well, well. You know what that means, everybody. We have another famous stick on the show. No, it's not even. No, not the, don't do it, dude. Is there a guy out there that wants to be a legend and give Diamond Debbie your first kiss? This guy right here. Come on, look at this fucking stunt. Look at that fucking stunt. Look at him. Watch out for the camera right next to... That's okay. No, no, sit back down, you creep. That's our guy! No, he's coming right here. Look at this fucking guy. Oh, she's pissed. Oh, his girlfriend is not happy about this. Which makes it all that much better. Diamond Debbie is about to get her first Austin kiss. Here you go, Diamond Debbie. What a sickant sin. It's a miracle. Wait. Oh, my... Oh, my... Oh, my... Ah! This is Kiltown. It's good, it's all right. It's crying. No, it is... Oh, it's funny. I was actually touching. Yeah, it's very nice. It was. Diamond Debbie, how do you feel after your first Austin kiss? I'm breathless. I love it. I love it. And that was before the kiss. What's incredible. Well, you know what's possible. It's just from emphysema. There's no guys in my age awake this late at night. I know what the big heart beat. Well, you might be surprised. Where's Joe White? Is Joe White out here? She's three years younger than Ron White. Wow. I know what he's taking, you tell him. And you know what? I make brownies, happy brownies. And they're campatars and special. But I've taken them up to every white guy. And not one, and we'll take candy for a stranger. When you say the brownies are the campatars and special. What exactly do you mean by that? They're peanut butter dark chocolate fudge. Mint with walnuts. Wow. Damn. Is there weed in them? They have my medical prescription in them. Oh my god. When I started doing comedy on Monday nights, when I came down here two years ago, it's the same night as my food pantry. And I got down to 80 pounds. Wow. And they thought I had an eating disorder. But you know, it's just kiltowny. It's kiltowny. Damn it, Debbie. I'm getting a word that there's another boy that wants to kiss you. You want to kiss another boy, Debbie? All right, let's send out another one. I'm getting a word that there's one thing. I'm getting a word that there's one thing that makes this poor lady stand up, Tony. There's one more thing. Oh my god. Look at this. You say, bram, three times stinger cuffs. Oh my god. Oh my god. I just got so hard. Was that a first? That is a first. That was the first time with the black guy? Not my first kiss. No, she was with George Washington. I was like, I'm going to get a kiss. I'm going to get a kiss. I'm going to get a kiss. I'm going to get a kiss. I'm going to get a kiss. I'm going to get a kiss. I'm going to get a kiss. I'm going to get a kiss. I'm going to get a kiss. I'm going to get a kiss. I'm going to get a kiss. I'm going to get a kiss. I'm going to get a kiss. I'm going to get a kiss. I'm going to get a kiss. I'm going to get a kiss. I'm going to get a kiss. I'm going to get a kiss. I'm going to get a kiss. I'm going to get a kiss. I'm going to get a kiss. I'm going to get a kiss. I'm going to get a kiss. I'm going to get a kiss. I'm going to get a kiss. I'm going to get a kiss. I'm sorry. Diamond Debi, you are an instant legend. I have somehow have run out of big joke books. Do we have more in the back? Great. They're going to hand you one in the back and diamond Debi. You know, let's just fucking, let's just have you sign up again sometime, but why don't we just like time it out so that you don't have to wait out there with all these fucking... The worst part was waiting in the alley when I got close, so called a couple of weeks ago. Oh my god. Nobody can hear me trying to get in. I feel terrible. I can't just let people tear up, dude. I've never been out for an hour. I've told you you're going to hell-towning. Let me in. I just... Start considering these people, dude. They really want to be a part of the show and you turn to my garbage. How about get some warmers out there or something? Some kind of heaters. Oh, hey, Heidi. I love it. Well, there's one with the Virgin Mary on it. You probably went to high school with her, so... I'll give you that one. Make some goddamn noise. How loud can this place get for Diamond Deppies? We have all different shapes and sizes of signups here tonight, and I fucking love it. 111 signups, and she finally got on tonight. That's absolutely insane. Defies the odds of the bucket. But it goes to show the bucket's real. Or else I would have pulled Diamond Deppie out along the go. Persever, she has good hand, right? All right. You guys still having fun out there? Oh! Oh my god, she forgot her cane, everybody. Kiss number three, coming up, Shane Gillis, ladies and gentlemen. Let's go. Did you kiss her? All right, this next bucket poll is from the inside, everybody. Makes the noise for Kelly Quinn, for the hell's Kelly Quinn at. Oh, they got it on her, any great. I lost my job. My husband suggested volunteering. But I feel like I've given enough back to society. I married a redhead. I used to be a radio DJ and not to brag, but I got loads of handwritten fan mail, all from jail. Prisoners must not have access to high quality paper. The pages were always stuck together. I passionate fans. There's one in made who had a clearly expressed crush on me. My husband asked me why I was saving all his letters. Evidence. My husband's retired Air Force. The hardest job I ever had was being a military spouse. It's just all day, every day, banging out your partner's PTSD. And does the military recognize us? No, and how could we after being that long and that hard? I'm Kelly Quinn reminding you to be a patriot and service those who service our country. Wow, Kelly Quinn, one of the more serious sets of the night. Kelly, welcome to the show, Kelly. This is your first time on, correct? I was on about a year and a half ago. Oh, okay. I don't remember you with the new hat. They didn't know they made hats in uncircumcised penis. I've been married 27 years. I've actually never seen an uncircumcised penis. So if this is what it is, it's pretty hot. It is literally, it's been voted. I'm getting word. It is the worst hat of all time. That's what the world is saying, right? Paddington bomb. Come on, folks. Pick up. Instead of the bear. Bear, get it. Could've been a Paddington bear who has that hat. Where's Diamond Dey? You're gonna fall. Kelly, we're on a year and a half ago. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years. Three years. All of it here in Austin. I am actually, I live in DFW. DFW. Hell yeah. Okay, what do you do for work? So I own a small business. So when I lost my job in radio, I just switched full throttle to that. And so the question remains, what do you do for work? I own a website called Christmascockpit.com. I run it off a Shopify. Oh, we love Shopify. We absolutely love Shopify. In fact, you can go to Shopify and start your own business. Not a lot of people know this, but Mattel and Jim Shark and a lot of other companies all started with Shopify, ladies and gentlemen. And on Shopify, you can perhaps hire... You had a hat at the men's march. You're right. LAUGHTER Remember the pussy hats? The women's march. That would be the hat you would wear at the men's march. They were those people. God damn, dude, this has been our gold. LAUGHTER It is incredible. You did it and anyone can do it. Create email and social campaigns that reach customers wherever they scroll. Shopify grows with you. I love Shopify. That's right. Shopify.com slash Kiltoni. That's Shopify.com slash Kiltoni. Shopify.com slash Kiltoni. This year, Shopify will be by your side. OK. Kelly Quinn, tell us the craziest thing about your life. I've lived in four countries. What were the four countries? Japan, America, England and Italy. OK. Which one do you like the most? America. Very good. That is the correct answer. How long were you in Italy for? Three years. Three years. And yet you don't have a pinky ring, a necklace, or a govagooled c-shirt. Absolutely incredible. Where in Italy did you live? Amelia Romano in Farah. Oh, OK. C. Senaretha. Very good. Kelly, you're really of a red-headed husband? No, when I married him, he was red-headed. But as a Christian woman, I believe that I could pray it away, and I did. Just for men? What happened? No, his hair just got dark. He just turned into a brunette. What does he do for work? He's a pilot. OK. All right. What exactly is Christmascockpit.com? So I make stockings like out of crown royal bags. OK. So they're purple stockings? Some of them are. I did make special Kiltoni versions that I brought for you in Redban. Nice. That was like a month ago. Apparently, they didn't make it to you. Oh, we do have those. Yeah. No, we have them. Hey, guys, Captain. Hanging by the chimney with hair. You guys, Captain, both of you, Captain? Yeah, totally. Oh, my God. Isn't that crazy? They just threw those out. Those nice gifts you gave them? No, we have them. We really do. We do. We took photos the other day and shared them with our families. Yes, absolutely. They are hung by the chimney with care that hopes that St. Nicholas will soon be there. Kelly, have you ever thought about making yourself a better hat? My husband picked this out for me. OK. We can tell. He definitely doesn't want you banging other dudes. It's very exciting. He's like, that hat is an instant boner, filler. Good for you. From now on, if I'm ever going to finish with a girl too fast, I'm going to picture that hat. Just be like, oh, I'm going to last forever. That hat makes me want to not come. All right, didn't get the laugh I thought it would, but I thought that was funny. It was funny. It was just picture hat. Some people picture their grandma. I will picture that hat. Kelly Quinn, you gave us a little stocking. You're leaving here with a little jokebook. Congratulations, Mary Christmas. I spiked it on Joe Rogan. Wow. How dare you hit a book at Lord Charizard like that? All right, back to the bucket we go. You guys still having fun out there? Goddamn, mother fucking right. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi? This looks like an interesting name. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. Bertad pulled triplet. Everybody. Padpole triplet. Oh, holy. Here we go. Thanks for the nice for tadpole triplet, everybody. Here we go. The clock has begun. Gerber walked into a room and not be the craziest motherfucker in there. What the fuck is that? I appreciate y'all giving me a little time out of your day. They don't let me out much. I need this shit, y'all. I've been in a really, really dark place lately. Bum about to pay the electric bill. You know, I saw the future. Her is bright. But in Teller Hunter, what jokes up here? No, I am not Ted Kaczynski Jr. Y'all are insensitive. Ladies, sliding in my DM. Talk about tadpole. Why don't you shave? Look at tadpole. So handsome. Why don't you shave? Because y'all, if I shave, I look like I majored in lacrosse and fraternities. Right, a little rapey. We don't want that. So instead, this is what y'all get. Look like a homeless MMA fighter. Fucking Connor McBagger. tadpole triplet has arrived. Welcome to the show, tadpole. Who the fuck is this guy? Oh, my God. Still tagging the Connor McBagger joke, I see. Set has ended. Welcome, tadpole triplet. Thank you. Is there first time on the show? Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand up? 39 years. Really? Yes, sir. You've been performing on stage for 39 years. Yes. How old are you? I have 49. I'll be 49 in a minute. So you started stand up comedy when you were 10 years old. I did my first tight five in a second grade talent show. Are you serious? I swear to God. Wow. OK. OK. Wait, you were 10 in second grade? Boat-on. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Yeah, that checked you out. Padpole. Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God. Wow. Padpole triplet. Staring at Joe Rogan like he is the liver king's angry son. Oh, no, it was that. Oh, Jesus. I see a resemblance. One could say he's the liver prince, if you will. So, tadpole, let's talk about it. You've been doing stand up comedy for 39 years. What else have you been doing? You look like perhaps some time in Vietnam or something? Yeah. Thank you, appreciate it. I spent 20 years in Hollywood. OK. Trying to be cute. What were you doing in Hollywood? Mostly a writer. OK. Did you write anything that we might recognize? Perhaps some graffiti on a wall or something? Fuckin' the I-5 underpass, that's me. OK. But what else, anything creative? My biggest success was the tonight show, Jaleno. You wrote it? You... OK, second grade! I... Explained to what's going on. I wrote for... You were a staff writer on the tonight show. I was staff, and I wrote for the tonight show. I was assistant segment producer, but the guy I worked for had a lung transplant. I spent six months just in the writer's room trying to learn how to write a joke. You were in the studio in Burbank, California. In Burbank, California. Wow. How long did that... It was that. It was 25 years ago. Bill Clinton was the president. Wow. Fuckin' Botox. You want Botox? This is incredible. He's 74. Now, tadpole, you came out with a stool. Explain to us why you have a stool. Uh, I hit by a drunk driver and broke my neck, and this is physical. Wasn't it Tesla, was it? We got to stop this, motherfucker. Uh... LAUGHTER Oh, my God. You have an actual neck brace there. I took off the neck brace to perform. You have an actual broken neck. Yes. Wow. I'm going to try and tough it out and not put it on and look like a sissy. Are you going to joke, like a robot? Are you going to tap out? I'm going to tap out? No. Don't put that thing on before you die. Yeah. Fucking idiot. Also, for real, neck brace is the funniest thing you can wear. You really? I literally... I've wear it about 50% of the time, but I was doing a minute and I wanted to give a look. I feel like on stage, you know. No, on stage would be very funny. For real. Yeah. I swear to God, a neck brace is literally the funniest. Before my minute to say hi, world. No, toss that fucking thing on, dude. That's where... How many you want him to put on the neck brace? Ladies and gentlemen, this is Kyltoni's history. It's the first time we've ever seen a man put on a neck brace with a broken neck after performing... Ha, ha, ha, ha. Wow. This is incredible. So, tadpole, tell us, how did life change? It's got to get the beard out of there. A tadpole. A spa, bro. Explain to us what it's like having a broken neck. You curl up in a ball like a crybaby for half the day and then you decide if you want to be a tough guy and do a little bit of something. Right. And that was that day or every day? Pretty much every day for the last 12, 14, second grade, whenever. You got hit by a Tesla 12 years ago? No, no, that's all his idea. I got hit by... That's right, dude. That's right, it's room shit. That was actually his idea. Shane said I got hit by a Tesla. He threw a joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, wait, you got hit and fucking went... I got hit by a drunk Russian diplomat's daughter of Bill Clinton, Russian diplomat's daughter. Okay, hold on. When was this? 96. 96. Did you get money from this? I... I had to sue my grandfather's insurance to pay for my surgeries. Why is that funny? Holy crap. The great mystery. Yeah, fucking stuff. I put all this effort into telling a joke and you laughed at my drama. Holy Christ. They gave you surgeries and you're still braced up. What else did you do? What else did you do? About... I wrote a book about my recovery, not about what happened, because I'm not ready for that. Everybody's got a fucking book. I don't even have a book. I just made it up. So you perpetually have to wear that brace since you were a kid? No, I was almost 19. This guy's... Okay, so you're almost 19. You broke your neck then. You're 46. You still wear a brace every day. About 50... If I don't have something I can lean on, I didn't wear it tonight. Right. But... You're... If I can... I sit on a stool when I try to do stand-up. What is the injury? I'm fused front and back, C3 for C7. Mm. All the way down. Oh, shit, titanium. Oh, wow. You, that's kind of... I gotta go up and down, but I don't want to, because it's around my brainstem, and I got a little bit of smarts left, and I don't want to... Just strangled out by titanium. I will say, though, you have the coolest fucking neck brace I've ever seen. Thank you. Most of them suck. That one's actually like a... Yeah, you got a bottom of it like a stormtrooper mask. Like... Fucking cool. I'm a mixer. This is my dunk contest moment. Hold on. Let me get it up. Yeah. What's that do? It's like traction. It works like a traction machine. Yeah. But I can't talk with it, because it locks my jaw, so how you doing? It was up, yeah. It was up. Your story is absolutely incredible. Do you ever sit on a park bench and talk about how life's like a box of chocolates? LAUGHTER I'm going to tell you what I'm going to do. It's something that I've never done before with anybody in the history of the show. But I'm going to pick up the tab on this. I want to see if the great people over at Waze-to-Well can possibly zip something into you that might be able to help you or give you some type of relief. We are friends with the great people at Waze-to-Well. They provide unbelievable, miracle-like health care to people. And we're going to see what happens. Probably not much since your next been broken as fuck for like 30 years. They said I'd never walk. Now I can sprint and jump for like 90 seconds. Don't do that. Yeah, definitely. Don't stop doing that right now. I listen to them and I sat in a bed for a decade. Well, I get up every day, yes. Don't break your neck again, mother. I have a fucking... I'd be in a cage right now if I wanted that. I get a little taste of that again. But I'm not that retarded. Not that... I can't believe it. You are that retarded. You're laughing that. Just because my mother drove the short bus. Hold on a second. That pulled the do you point at me and withhold from saying it? Because it's so... That's very, very funny. I thought, everyone, I was giving you credit for it really great. I would never do such a thing. All right, you won't have money. Yeah, hell yeah. You got some merch, too. I got some merch, what? I see a dad pole on your fucking shirt, right? Oh, yeah. This is my breast cancer charity. Have a dad pole for humanity. You have a... What? Habitat pole. Oh, it's... Or you're a... I get it. For human, did he? Humanity. For human, did he? For human, did he? Yeah, well... That's great. You mean a dad pole? A dad pole. You're a wild boy, tadpole. Oh, thank you. You live here in Austin now? No, I'm about 300 miles away. Okay. Where are you? Up near the Oklahoma border, out over the Cato area. Okay. I'm the way to which it's out for us. I'm not really there, but I'm there. Okay. I... Good night, should I? I was in LA for 20 years. The whole world shut down. Everyone got re-re, and then I was like, my brother's got a house I could live in the basement. That makes sense. Yeah, the basement's nice. Do you have a girlfriend or wife? No, they won't touch me. What are you talking about? You're not interested in the ladies? I didn't say that. I put words in my mouth, oh. But, um, people are like, Did I say that? You didn't say that. I didn't say that. All right. Have a table for humanity, bro. I love it. I'm trying to save all the titties. What do we do? We're chopping them off and stuff. Get the fuck out of here. What's going on? No moss. Tita's the leetoss. Cut it the fuck out. Cut it out. See? Cut it out. What do we do? You've ever been in the military? No, my whole family. I wasn't brave enough. Oh, okay. I wrote jokes and dribbled a basketball from my life. I was pretty privileged. You were good at basketball? Yeah, you know, I thought I jumped out. Yep. A little bit of a- Give a grill in. I can't understand what you're saying. Nothing. A tadpole triplet. We are going to get your contact information. We're going to try to see what ways to welcome possibly. Maybe. Do for you. Thank you for all the miracles. But nothing's guaranteed. Here's a big joke book. You got that. Want me to get it in the hoodie? Go get them in the neck. Got it. A tadpole tri- A tadpole tri- A tadpole tri- A tadpole tri- A tadpole tri- A tadpole tri- A tadpole tri- A tadpole tri- A tadpole tri- Shane Gell is going pee. Brought to you by Bud Light. There's the lovely Heidi. And we're going to get another bucket pull up here. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Gordon Dixon. Everybody here comes Gordon Dixon. Make some noise Austin. Let's go. I'm 41. If that last dude with 46, he is fucked up, bro. He got a knee brace from sucking dick. Fuck that guy. Thank you. Thank you. Ha! Homeless dude. Anyway. I'm 40 year old comic. I hang out with 20 year olds. I went to a strip club the other night. They are all making a rain. And I tried to pay for it. I was like, I'm going to get a rain. I'm going to get a strip club the other night. They are all making a rain. And I tried to pay for it. My lap dance with a checkbook. And I knew I was old. Exactly. Half of y'all don't know what checkbooks are. Fuck y'all, young people. Yeah. The striper was like, I want to make a rain. You're going to make a rain. I'm like, how you spilt candy with an IE or a Y? How you spilt us? It's all right, yo. It was 12,000. It was a bounce check. She's never going to pass that check. Fuck yeah. What's the call? I'm going to get a service. I'm having fun. I'm fucked up right now. Thank y'all. You don't want the clap. You don't care about people in the store. Thank you. I served as you. I served as you. Not as st. Jehovah's Witness. Yeah. Exactly. This is a rough night. Fuck y'all. All right. You guys like handicapped people more than you. Half black people. Fuck y'all. My name is Gordon Dixon. My name is Gordon Dixon. I'm Gordon Dixon. Thank you. Gordon Dixon. I'm a ultra-broken show. I'm a real hot. All right. Gordon, how are you? I'm good. I'm good on that show before. Yeah, I've been on a couple of times. This time you're a little fucked up. Yeah. Yeah, I just got off work. Yeah, I worked next door. Here's my fault. What did you drink exactly? What did you do, Gordon? Every shot. People bought me. All right. There's some people that bought me shot. There's another guy who bought me a shot. Yeah, it's fucked up, man. It's awesome, man. It's weird out here. You have to get fucked up. No, you don't. All right. That's what I was told when I moved out here. All right. I'm glad you're inside of me. My bet. All right. Gordon, you're kind of changing. You missed a lot. You did, man. I'm glad Shane missed it. I'm sorry, Shane. All right. Gordon, I know. I've got to guess how many shots you did tonight before tonight's said. How many would you guess? Just a ballpark. Good, strong three. I did a strong three. Okay. Yeah, a strong three. But I'm old, so I shouldn't do any at all. I should stop drinking at this point. But fuck it. I'm going to get you out of here with a little joke. There you go. Gordon, Dixon. All right. Let's get one last bucket pull up here tonight. Mix some noise for Lindsey Campbell. Everybody here comes Lindsey Campbell. Here's Lindsey everybody. We know Lindsey. Hey, guys. Erica Kirk has been hanging out with Nicki Minaj lately. Have you seen that? She's trying to convince people that she's not racist. But she does run her fingers through people's hair when she hugs them. You can tell she doesn't have a single black friend. So anyway, I had a miscarriage like six months ago. A couple days after that, my husband was, he was fingering me. And he got on his hand. What Google told us is gray pregnancy matter. Relax, guys. At least he got to hold our baby. Hi, Joe Rogan. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Absolutely incredible. Ladies and gentlemen, Lindsey Campbell, I loved it. Thanks, Joe. I love you too. You're welcome. We know you well, Lindsey. You are married to the adorable little William Montgomery looking a character, little chubby chair of boy. The fans probably remember and know. So that's real, huh? Yeah, Trey Campbell, Dr. Pepper, we got married on May 3rd, 2025. Hell yeah. Amazing. How's that going? Good? It's going fucking awesome. I just keep bringing animals into the house and he just keeps trying to get rid of them, but... What kind of animals? What kind of animals? What are we talking about? We're up to five now. We have two dogs, we have two cats, and we have a snake. Wow, okay. Hell yeah. Folks, as you pointed you and she said snake. That's a good question. Yeah, she pointed at Red Bam. Boy, right at you, bro. What, what, what, what, what, I don't remember. I was drunk. What happened? It's not a penis thing. I promise. I was talking about my snake and you told me that if I ever taught, uh, brought into mitsis that you would like throw the bag against the wall. Throw the what against the wall? You were drunk. I said I was going to bring a, I was going to bring a snake in a bag and have a touch it without him knowing. You, you got drunk and said you were going to kill your snake. That's, those of you that wonder what Red Bands like after the show. The real, what a sack of shit. Real, real hoot nanny. I'm going to kill your snake. I love it. Lindsey, what do you do for work? I'm a bell boy now. Oh wow. Yeah, I work at a hotel. I make tips so I offer to get people ice unless they're Mexican that I offer to abolish it. Wow. You're hilarious. Thank you. You're a real comedian, Lindsey. Thanks, Tony. I love that. What else is going on in life? Anything else crazy we should know about? I just, I just got a job for the first time in like six months. That fucking sucks. Yeah. That's the bell boy thing. Yeah, it's the bell boy thing. And then we got our dog spades so she has a tattoo now. It's a swastika. It's because she's a German shepherd. That's it. Sorry, Tony. It's amazing. No, I just got from one to ten. I give that joke a nine. Thank you. 99999. There you go. A little fucking out of you there. I like that. Oh, there's my balls, Shane. No way. Shane. I would never do that fucking thing. Shane just sat my balls. No, I did not. Yeah, you did. You did. You did. You did. You did. I did. I'm in. Lindsay, we love you. A great set. Here's a big joke. Thank you. Check out her. Oh. Good job. What? Check out her cupcake. Cupcake. Oh, yeah. That's the cupcake lady. Hell yeah. Obviously getting high on her own supply. Ladies and gentlemen, what an episode this is. I mean, holy shit. Gillis, Lincoln Financial Field July 17th, Rogan of the JRE. There's only one way to end an episode like this. William Montgomery is already off on Christmas break. However, there is a young man whose dream it is of one day being a citizen of the greatest country honor the United States of America. But for now, he remains the astoundingest of the world. But for now, he remains the astoundingest of the world. It's very bad day. So everyone's terrified of AI. It's common. Like what do you do for a work, sir? Post-control business. You have like six months left. See, the secret is, you're going to get a job that even AI doesn't want to do. Like roofing. Dude, under the Texas sun, even AI is like, mmmm, Miguel. Miguel, get up there. It's too fucking hot. My batteries are overheating. This is fucking ridiculous. This is inhumane. I don't know about stand-up. I'm not sure. I think AI is too algorithmical to do stand-up. Too perfect. People don't relate to perfection. People relate to mistakes. AI ain't about that life. AI ain't going to say the end word. AI ain't going to show his dick to the comedy club waitresses. I will. AI stand-up is going to be all algorithmic, you know. Oh, I'm a milk. How could they be milk? They don't have nipples. Oh, shit. Also, if AI is so smart, how come every time I try to log into a website and to make sure I'm not a robot, they ask me to identify three traffic lights in the picture. So you're telling me AI sees this puzzle. Fuck! Pre-pre-it! So it gets flustered by traffic lights, but what the fuck is a WAMO? That's my time. Thank you guys. Two minutes. 45 seconds. Working overtime tonight. And without a doubt, the best set of the night. This is incredible, Ari Madi. You've done it yet again. I'm going to fucked up the order of the joke. Fuck. There's a whole different order. You know, when you just have to fucking. No one even noticed. Oh, God. Well, only you know. That's what's great about this. The order was totally fucked up. Was there a callback that got left on the... There was everything that was undone and the ending was solved. It worked out great. Fucking amazing. What I love about this set, because it was so brilliant, so topical, so funny, such great delivery, so crisp. And yet I'll give a little behind the scenes inside scoop that I normally don't really ever do. Which is that when we were flying back from that gig on Sunday, I said, by the way, Monday is going to be fun. Rogan, Gellus, and you go, fuck, I've got nothing new. Yeah. So I'm just curious. Is that, did you just fucking cook that up in the past 36 hours or what? Yeah. I went through some terrible gigs yesterday and I just bombed with it. But I knew it was logical and if I get in front of a crowd that likes me, I knew, you know when you're bombing and you're like, you know when you're bombing and you're like, well, somewhere there will be laughter. The sun will rise in the future. What I love about that, two minutes, 45 seconds, you wrote that in 36 hours. We had a guy on stage earlier that it's been doing it 39 years. And his minute wasn't nearly as strong. Yeah, that sucks about stand up that like he left with a diagnosis of stem cells. That's why I wouldn't laugh about that, Paul. Yeah. No, I couldn't for real kill you. Yeah. Without a doubt. All right. Yeah. Unless you touch him at all. In which case he will fall apart immediately. That's why like when I did MMA it was so cool to find out real quick if you got it, you know. Yeah. Not a lot of people know that. Ari Maddie is a professional fighter, Owen 3. Owen 3 career, but he knows that a shadow box. The sky. The real bad, yeah. I don't have it. Is undefeated against the shadow. The shadow gets fucked up every day, Joe. That's what we call, Dejric Flynn behind the scenes. Are you what else is going on, man? You're killing it. I don't know. I've been watching this series called Spy Ops. Have you guys seen, have you watched Spy Ops? Amazing. I love the Mossad. Wow. Wow. Israeli Secret Service. Tell us. Okay. Tell us more. I will. See, like usual Secret Service, CIA, MI6. They gather information and then they kill the guy, like with cyanide or they poison the soup. Nobody even knows what happened. Mossad, gather, no information. And they just blow up the whole building. Mossad always has civilian casualties. But then always they're like, well, statistically, you know. There's this one episode. Okay. There's this one episode. There were after a guy who's a Palestinian terrorist member of the Black September. They did Munich. Remember Munich? The big one. Until, yeah. Worst thing to happen on German soil to Jews, you know. So. So thereafter one of the leaders, okay. We asked him. An oslo Norway. Disguys. There's a pizza delivery guy. Great. Disguys. For a terrorist. You have a bicycle. Bring. You got some pizza boxes filled with fucking seaworth. You're meeting creepy guys in the alley. So the Mossad tracks this guy down. They pull up. downtown Oslo blow his head off with a shotgun. Brains go flying into the guy's friend's hands, they collect the brains, you know. The Mossad disappears. Successful mission you would think. Six months later they find out wrong guy. A regular pizza guy. Imagine you're at the funeral. And your parents are like, what did my son do? Black September. But of course, see, the downside about the Mossad is they always get caught. How those guys got caught is after they blow the guys head off. They took the car back to the rental agency. That's how Jews get caught. They're the buzzard. Chief God. Sorry, Maddie. They should have kept that. You ever see the movie Munich? It's about the Mossad track. We're the movie. It's so funny if they included that scene. Because the whole time they're like, man, these guys are so sly and smart. Yeah. Should have one scene with it. There's that motherfucker. Oh, shit. It was just a guy. Yeah, they had like one guy they were after in an apartment building. But they didn't nail witch up. They tried to nail witch floor. It was under like the whole building goes. Yeah. They don't give a fuck. The Mossad is crazy, Joe. Don't upset the Jews. What's that? What's that? What's that? What about the Yomac? No, the Yomac is gone. You threw it out? No, I had it sent away and put on top of my Christmas tree. Guys, it touched him. It touched him. There's a KT Yomac. That's crazy. It's a fuck out of you. I'm going to put it on you. Yeah, huh? Whoa. Wow. Don't wave like that, Ralph. Oh my god. Fucking moron. But I don't know. I just went higher, Hitler. There's a guy in the crowd who just went like this. That's not good. That's not good. Second most Jewish thing Red Band's done this week next to take coupons into a Wendy's with them. No. Shane goes this is that true. It's a bench, Pirro Joking, here's a... Ben Burrito. Oh my god. Ari Maddie, what can I say? The set of the night, the fucking interview of the night. Catch them on Monday, on Netflix. I'm on tour. I'm on tour. Yeah. Take it to really low. Ari Maddie don't come for the level of God. See this man's full length set. You're not gonna fucking believe it. If you love a minute, you'll love his hour. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. That is indeed Joe Rogan and Shane Gillis. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, it's a Shane Gillis. Look at that. Hell yeah. Look at that. That's a very nice picture of you. Oh, thanks. Yeah. Look at that. Thanks man. He gave you a little... Put that above your bed. Yeah. Tell the girl, look at that. Look at my real face. Shane Gillis. Ladies and gentlemen, July 17th, 2026. Mother fucking Lincoln financial field. The biggest stand-up comedy show of all time. Have a one more time for the motherfucking man himself, Joe Rogan. Next Monday. Go to Netflix. Watch the whole goddamn thing. Tell everybody that you know. Watch Killtony once upon a time in Texas filmed live at the Moody Center on New Year's Eve. Heirs on Netflix next Monday. We will not be here on YouTube. We will be only on Netflix and then back on YouTube the next week. Fuck yeah, man. We did it. What an episode. Have a one more time for the best stand-band in the land. Check out their single pandemonium. Everywhere where music is available, the Killtony band. And we did it. Red band. Love you guys. We love you. Catch us on Netflix next week. Motherfuckers. Good night, everybody. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. She's wide awake and who is keyhole? I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. The Songset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. You You You