Broadway's Leslie Odom Jr. & Nicolette Robinson Talk Parenting

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And his incredible wife, also an amazing artist, Nicolette Robinson. You might know her from Waitress. We end up talking about topics that are relevant for everyone. The relationship they have with their families of origin, what it really means to be a cycle breaker, and the amazing life they've created offstage. This is a conversation that's going to resonate with you deeply because Leslie and Nicolette really show up. They're real, they're honest, and they constantly put words to things that most of us think in the back of our mind, but maybe have never actually heard someone say. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. We'll be back right after this. Here's something I hear from parents all the time. A lot of the things that are good for kids don't always feel good to kids. It's why I love finding things that flip the script, turning a potential power struggle into a moment kids enjoy. Haya does that with vitamins, and the part kids really love, the experience. 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I mean, I think when people probably see the two of you, they see, which is true, these stars, like so much success and, you know, grace and this chemistry and performers that you've been in, all just so much amazingness there. And I think probably what they don't see is, I don't know, the work, the recalibration, what's led here. And so maybe we can just start. I'd love to hear, like, tell me a little bit about who you are that isn't just so obvious on the stage or on the screen. You want to tell who I am and I'll tell who you are? I love that. Sure, I like that. Yeah. So, yes. Oh, Nicolette comes from a family of performers, entertainers, entertainment type people. And I'm going to talk about it like she's not here. But, you know, the thing that actually attracted me most about Nicolette is that, you know, she is more talented than she'd even have to be. She's more gifted than she'd even have to be. You know, her parents did this wonderful job of raising a beautiful person. You know, it's not about, if she was ugly inside, she'd be not as attractive outside. You know, the first few years that we were dating, I just kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. You know, like, when am I going to see the other side of this person? And it's just who she is. She's just a good person, good inside. You know, she's really just a good human being. Her parents did such a fantastic job. But she's also grown. We've been together 17 years now. So, I've also seen her really grow from a young woman, you know, girlish to this, to this boss. You know, she really does, not only does she manage her career in such an intentional and thoughtful, personal way. You know, the way she does her business is not the way that I do my business. I've grown to respect that. But she really manages our little family like a company, like a, you guys have a lot in common, you know, when I met you on the street, I was like, my wife is going to freak out. Yeah, I think that you guys would have a lot in common. She, we vibe. Yeah, she just, she gets things done. So, I could go on and on, but she's my favorite, she's my favorite actor. She's my favorite person to spend time with outside of our kids. And yeah, that's my girl. He saved that space. That really is. I secretly said that we should talk about each other just to make him talk about me. I mean, by the way, that's going to be my new go-to. Who doesn't want to hear someone say nice things about them. So, when do you ever really do that? Seriously, thank you for the new interview structure. Well, yeah, who's Leslie? Leslie is a Leo to the core. My third is a Leo. So, let me just, you know how that is. I mean, I mean, vibrant, a host with a capital H loves to host a room, whether it's friends or, you know, people he's just met. I mean, you know, you guys went to go see his show and afterwards you're, you're hosting during the show and then you're also hosting afterwards and, you know, he takes a lot of pride in making people feel seen and feel welcome. And he's, what a lot of people don't know is that he's deeply sensitive and sweet. Honestly, just watching him be a father is just seeing a whole side of him that, you know, the guy who's on stage who's just this dynamite explosion of talent and seeing him as a dad is just like so special and he's just so loving and so playful and silly and way more patient than I am, I think. And I think a big thing that I'll say, just having been together for 17 years and really, you know, you go on this journey together and you see each other from the start. I was 20 when we started dating. He was 27 when we started dating and that's, you know, going from that to whatever ages we are right now. You can't do math, right? You can't do math. No, don't do math. There's no math on the podcast. I've witnessed this man grow in a way that I don't even know if I could grow in the way that he has. I mean, I think that what's so special about you is he's so willing to dive in and do the work. You know, being a Leo, there's a stubbornness, I feel like. There's a thing that like you are so intelligent and so good at what he does. So it's, he's not always wrong very often or he doesn't think he's wrong very often, but when you can really get to him and convince him to understand, you know, your side or whatever it is that we're learning about, he is so willing to acknowledge when there is room to grow and to change and he, even just over the past year, I've seen him become a whole new person in the most beautiful way. Yeah. You know, when I think about like marriage and what we all take on, in some ways, like the best thing you can say or try to get to know about your partners if they're open to change because however you are when you meet, like I always think when you get married to someone, you're kind of like, okay, this distance is what feels good to us and each person's going to grow. And so the only way for you to stay that close is if like both people are committed or you're both committed to not growing, which is really sad, right? And being open and being willing, you know, to that process, knowing you're going to change and you know, you're willing to do that, I think is something I'll tell my kids to like look out for in a partner. Yeah. And you decide as you go, you know, are we growing together? Are we growing in the same direction? Are we growing in a way that we want to continue this? Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Okay, I'm going to come back to that and to parenting, but I actually want to, I was like to start because I feel like some of that starts earlier. So as actors, performers, you know, what I think about so often is so many times that people were successful in those crafts in adulthood, I don't know, like they had a lot of creativity, they had a lot of energy, they weren't necessarily in the box, you know, the easiest kids. I don't know. Like what was it like? Yeah, what hits you about that? Like, and where did your creativity, your art kind of, where did that start? We're both very, very different kids growing up. Okay. And very different households as well. And so, I mean, for me, I, my mom was a choreographer growing up. And so I grew up sitting against the rehearsal mirrors, just watching dance rehearsals of musicals and shows. And my dad was always at the piano, and my dad was directing things and teaching acting classes. And so it was really around me in that way. And then my mom was my dance teacher in high school. So I really got into acting then. But I was the kind of kid that I was a very well-behaved kid, and I wouldn't say that this one. But I was the kid that would just be in her room, you know, sitting in front of the mirror, like dreaming about pretending different acting films and scenes and super nerdy in that way. But I was just a lot more what is what's this word? Contain. Yeah, contain, probably. But still very vibrant and loved, you know, getting involved in extracurriculars and stuff. But I think this one, and share a different experience, a slightly different story. Yeah, I mean, I grew up in a house with a fair amount of trauma. And so I think I'd love to know what you think about this, but I kind of think that a kid is going to express themselves somewhere, they're going to come apart somewhere. And I wasn't allowed to come apart at home. So I came apart, you know, I tested the limits and did all that stuff outside the home. Our kids are the opposite, you know, our kids oftentimes in school and stuff, you know, people are meeting the best versions of our kids because they come apart at home, which I think is we're trying that. Yeah, we're trying that. It feels, yeah, I was much safer at school, to be honest. So yeah, and I think that I've been thinking quite a bit about myself as a child and what led to where I've arrived, because in so many ways I've arrived at the life that I always dreamed about as a kid. And that's really only recently that I've really become aware of that. It's a really satisfying thing. And I think that, you know, I don't do, if you'll permit me to talk about myself for a second, I think that one of the things that might be interesting about me is sort of how alive my internal world can be. You know, when people watch me, there's a lot going on inside. And for the first time, I'm like, that's what it was as a kid. I had a whole world going on in here that I was not allowed to express. I had to keep it all inside. So I got really good at that. I got really, I mean, there were so many things that I wanted to say. There were so many feelings, you know what I mean? There were so many, I wanted to lash out, I wanted to, but outside it was, you know, whatever mask I was required to have in my house. And so anyway, I've put it to good use. You know, these, I do think that, you know, when I'm at my best, if you're watching me, there can be something compelling about, I mean, that performer is always thinking there's something happening in there, right? And that's what my childhood was like. Yeah. So you really remember that, like your internal life was so alive. Yes. That was the only place I was alive. Yeah. I was waiting for my autonomy. I was waiting to be free so that I could live fully, so that I could live joyfully. We were so controlled. It was such a, you know, it was just such a stifling environment that I had, I lived fully inside and I was waiting to get out of there so that I could live outside too. So how did you then, I mean, there's so many avenues that could have come out in some maladaptive or some at least that would have been ending up being harmful to you. And it seems like performing is, you know, is a healthy avenue for that. But how did you, how did you find it? Or did it, how did it find you? It's a miracle, you know? It's just like, I mean, yeah, no, a childhood like that can just as easily kill you. Yeah. You know, that's the thing, you know, and sometimes it's, it can be a frustrating thing. It's such a wild thing to survive that and to have a person that was responsible for that kind of look at you and say, how bad could I have done? Look at, look at you. That's really the, the response, you know, I couldn't have been too bad because look how successful you are. And it's, you know, it can leave you speechless because, you know, it negates all your hard work, all the work you've done to heal, all the work you've done to, to make choices, to make, to be different. It's, it, yeah, my life has been in response to that, in response to that unhealthiness, in response to, right? But yeah, it's a miracle. I mean, because it could just as easily have taken me down many, many horrible paths. You know that moment when your kid is hungry right now and you're like, okay, what can I grab that's fast and I actually feel good about? That's why I love Once Upon a Farm. They make delicious organic farm fresh food for kids of all ages with no added sugar or preservatives. And they have so many options, refrigerated pouches, frozen meals, pantry snacks, plus oat and protein bars. So it's easy to find what works for your kid and your day. Once Upon a Farm was founded by parents and it shows what their real commitment to transparency and doing good for families and the planet. And they're available online and at retailers nationwide. So for your next I need something now moment, use code good inside for 40% off your first subscription at Once Upon a Farm Organics.com. How do you deal with that now? That type of response or is your family still in your life? I have, I made the difficult decision to separate myself from some people. And that's just really, just, you know, that's really an act of love too. It's an act of love for myself and an act of love for them because there was a real part of me that wanted to change them. And I finally accepted them for who they are. They're never going to change and they don't have to change for me. And so we... I really want to thank you for sharing that. I know there are so many people listening and I hear from so many people who I think are in very similar situations and the truth is all we can do as a kid when we're in a situation that's overwhelming or scary where our needs aren't getting met, we can't stop trying because the idea that well that's who they are and I guess I can just change you're like well you're five, well you're eight, like good luck surviving on your own. So it's a really adaptive thing for a kid to in some ways this idea of like taking the badness is the world bad or my parents kind of bad at my bad and they kind of think of those black and white terms isn't as long as you take in the badness you have agency. Okay if only this or if only that if I could do this if I could do that and to feel helpless you know there's this quote that I always come back to from Fairburn that says for kids it's better to be a sinner in a world ruled by God than to live in a world ruled by the devil. And I think we can have a lot of compassion then even as adults when you're like yeah it is true I am 20 now or I am 45 now and I could survive on my own but I guess that idea of trying to change and trying to make it my fall and figuring out what I could do I kind of get mad at myself now for doing that but that came from a really crafty really adaptive place for all the years that my brain was wiring and thought it was protecting me and so when we think about it that way like we can have a lot of love and compassion for ourselves and separate a little okay well now it is now I'm an adult right and and I can start to make different decisions and so and there was conditioning because it was you know when you are raised by one or two emotionally immature people um or however many emotionally immature people are around you you know there is a part of the conditioning is look what you made me do that I'm not in control of the way I act you are you made me you may you I don't want to be this guy look which you know what I mean yeah I destroyed the house I ripped it all up but that's right and so like you said you learn as a kid oh you know when the house is going to shit who did it it's not that person's no who set it off right yeah so yeah you you are you are conditioned in that way that that you are responsible for the weather you are responsible and again think about how terrifying it is for anyone here like as a kid well if there can be a really scary storm at any moment and the only thing I can say to myself is it's not my fault I guess that just happens but I but I live here okay like you you can't really survive those two things at once like I could be at the brunt of a horrible storm nothing I can do to decrease the likelihood it's not really my fault that that that actually isn't something a child could tolerate and continue day to day so I guess I'm yeah I made my dad I made my mom act that way even if they don't even say it to me which a lot of parents do I'm going to feel that way anyway so then if they say it's just confirmation right and it's such a different model of managing your emotions which is some version of something happened by the way it might have involved my kid that brought up frustration but my behavior around that my reaction to that how I manage the frustration by the way that is I was talking that has nothing to do with your kid that predated your kid's existence right and I think that's such an act of cycle breaking for so many of us right my kid not listening in the morning yeah of course that's frustrating do I yell because I'm frustrated with my kid no I yell because I can't manage my frustration right big difference huge so think like I feel like cycle breaking is a huge thing right now for so many people and I just think what he's done in this season in this past year setting boundaries for himself and recognizing the cycle that he can step out of yeah have boundaries that can protect him has changed his life but also it's affected my life yes affected our kids it's affected everybody that's around him I mean yeah and I want boundaries are my favorite topic actually there's so many things I'll lie about and I'll say it's my favorite topic but it always feels true it's a good say that okay yeah boundaries really are but they really are my number one but but I want to link it to what you just said and then just come back to your understanding of boundaries and how it plays out because if you think about the lesson we all so many kids learned you made me do that it's a boundaryless communication there's no boundary between something I do and your terrifying you know terrifying reaction whatever it is so so many of us grew up in households we're like well whose feelings are whose who's responsible for what are completely commingled there's no boundary there if I'm responsible for making this up but my dad my mom drinking a lot and and hitting or yelling or ruining the house then like there's no boundary people like I don't even know what a boundary is right completely so so what are boundaries yet tell me more about that journey around boundaries I've so many thoughts about boundaries but I want to start with yours and what that's looked like felt like I think we're still learning I mean we're it's a constant constant learning but yeah uh really again again talking about this year and yeah and what we've sort of discovered about these boundaries with family and um toxic energies in your life it's uh uh I think that I just had a completely new thought you know and you like mom bring in where you're just like I do want to say that as we are you know growing and discovering this this relationship with boundaries um I am most proud of the progress that we've made when I see little moments with our kids of them recognizing their uh not responsibility necessarily but maybe responsibility but moments where I know if I took responsibility for my energy or my you know if I did yell or things that you talk about a lot I read good inside um the moments that I've recognized you know it's time for me to repair a moment and come back I've seen them model that and those are the moments that I really feel like okay we're making progress they're hearing me I'm doing a good job yes and because I'm setting boundaries for myself and then coming back and recognizing I uh I probably shouldn't have spoken to you like that and I'm gonna also give you space because it looks like you you you've asked for some space so I'm gonna give you that or even asking for my own space in the moment um what does that sound like so you know practicing I'm still learning but I'm really trying I really come to him all the time like okay Dr. Becky said we can do this thing we'll have our strategy meetings um yeah I our son is four yeah so he has his he's having you know super high emotions at times where he doesn't know what to do with his body and it can turn really physical and so I'm working on um you know I'm going to I'll try to stop him from hitting if that's what it is I'm not going to let you hit me right now and I'll try to stay as calm as possible but um if I can't get it to stop I'm just saying I'm gonna go take some space from me because I don't like the way my body feels right now and I don't like the way that you're I don't like um I don't like to be hit or you know so I'm going to go out for a little bit and usually I don't know that response is like that's so beautiful and I think there is this weird message we've gotten especially recently in parenting like if some way it's like all about the kid like like this martyrdom this and in some way is like martyrdom is another form of boundarylessness ooh think about it I mean it's like I always say that it's just it's something I try to think about in the back of my head when I'm making decisions like that like I know I need space or I need to do something for myself like my kids upset about it like I don't want my kid to be like my mom loved me so much she ran herself into the ground like I don't want that about I don't want that story yeah I don't want that model for their partnership one day I don't want that model for love means one partner always gets what they want while the other one's running themselves into the ground and becoming invisible and resentful and that's when we become rageful and completely right and so no and and stopping that cycle means setting boundaries earlier than we think to say like I need space right and yeah it doesn't feel good to a kid to say you're crazy no one can be around you like that's like all right but that's very different someone's like yeah so that means I can't take space no there's many ways to take space people okay that's one another one is maybe even a half second before hey I'm feeling my body feeling hot and activated I need a moment to myself you're a good kid I'm going to step out I'll be back in a little bit I love you the space has taken both ways but it's completely different that's a good one to try to do it before it spirals out of the best way to do that honestly is to talk to your kids in calm moments and just say do you know something I'm gonna do from now on you know what sometimes we're in your room and things get a little you know I get a little hairy like yeah let's call spade a spade one of the things I'm gonna do is tell you earlier when I need a deep breath and I want you to know in advance that doesn't mean I'm leaving forever it doesn't mean you did anything to me we all have moments when we recognize we need something and actually you're gonna start having moments like that too in your relationships and that is such a powerful thing so by almost saying it like over dinner and by the way just I was like tell parents he's not gonna be like that's profound now he's gonna be like can I pretzels yeah but they hear it they do and also the next time you're like in his room it's weird when you've already said it in advance it's almost like you've already heard yourself promise you're gonna do it and and they've heard it so then it's not as much like don't leave me it's like oh you're you know when you could call it I'm gonna call it banana so I'm gonna say to you banana oh mom's doing her banana thing whatever it is um and I do think it makes that boundary setting it's never easy but it it makes it a little less than impossible you know it's great I love that you know that moment when your kid is hungry right now and you're like okay what can I grab that's fast and I actually feel good about that's why I love Once Upon a Farm they make delicious organic farm fresh food for kids of all ages with no added sugar or preservatives and they have so many options refrigerated pouches frozen meals pantry snacks plus oat and protein bars so it's easy to find what works for your kid and your day once upon a farm was founded by parents and it shows what their real commitment to transparency and doing good for families in the planet and they're available online and at retailers nationwide so for your next I need something now moment use code good inside for 40 off your first subscription at once upon a farm organics.com and Leslie what do boundaries mean to you like when you talk about setting boundaries like what what did you used to do to do a different definition of boundaries and you do now was it just never a word in your vocabulary wasn't really a word in my vocabulary I didn't really understand it and I mean what are the you know when I think about it you know I just yeah I just finally think I have a defined self I know I know where I end and where other people begin and so I just I'm aware for the first time in my life that other people yeah that that's not a reflection on me that's that's not about me I you know I used to take um this poor person you know I I was totally not her fault but as a result of all this childhood mess you know I like if because I felt like I was working so hard to make her happy right like you know I'm I'm working so hard you know and not not just to make her happy but I want her to be happy me that yeah yeah that that every that anytime she's in a foul mood or you know that it's about me you know like it's it's just the weird it's this weird thing you know when you're raised by this narcissism thing you know you can take on some of the traits that yeah that everything somehow becomes about you it's like you know so a boundary what a it's it's just set me free so gloriously that not every not every mood is about me most of them are not about me you know I don't have to take them on that when somebody says when somebody says they need space that doesn't have to be about you and you can see that I can say that I I'm allowed to say I need space and that I I'm allowed to put myself on the list in that way because there's also the the martyr thing there's this weird thing that happens or certainly what's happening to me is that you can't help but be resentful there's a part of you that is tired that feels taken advantage of there's a part of you that you're not listening to and you're taking that out on people they didn't even ask you to do that they didn't ask you to treat yourself like garbage so that you could put them first you know and so then any problem that they have you're flying off the handle because you haven't taken care of yourself but nobody asked you to do yes it's this weird thing and so boundary I've said it I I I know where I end and where other people begin yeah you know it's interesting about that is I feel like balance is such a weird a tricky word because nothing's ever really fully balanced in our lives I mean you know some version of it I think but I think having some version of balance where with a loved one if it's you know if it's with my kids I I'm trying lately to do like 20 minutes starting slow 20 minutes of just actively putting my phone to the side so that I can have that one-on-one time with my kids so that they see it you know so that when I do need the space I can I have a little bit of that balance and same with relationships you know with with us it's you know now that we've been doing that work and having some sort of self-care yeah when we do actually need that space I've I know I've been kind and loving to him because I've been in myself you know for for me I started Lexapro this summer and I for years I've always had this up and down with depression and mostly started with anxiety and I just you know you start to gaslight yourself and you think I don't I don't need to do it this way I I can just like you know go to therapy do the health thing and exercise and all that and this summer really Sarah Brell has really helped me because she was very vocal about it and she was just vocal about how life-changing medication can be and I so I decided to try that myself and like the idea of having a little bit of help to just balance myself so that I can be in myself again it was so emotional at the time and I um I started it and it's life-changing it's been life-changing for me I feel like I can be myself again and I can be resourced and able to you know have a little more balance in my life so that my kids when I do take boundaries when I do set boundaries they don't think it's about them you know yeah. First of all thank you for sharing that. Is there is there a specific moment like anyone that comes to mind that you're like I just feel like pre-summer me might have done X or felt X about something and now I see it as Y? Oh yeah I mean really motherhood was it was so challenging for me because I would have days where and I talk about this with one of my best friends she has two toddlers you know she's in the thick of it right now and she was saying there there are some days where I feel like I can count on one hand or I can count just a small amount of wins of where I'm like I got this and then most of the rest of the time you're just like trying to survive and and it really felt like that all the time for me and there were mornings where I would wake up and I was so deep in it that I just like didn't want to get out of bed and I you know I just felt like why am I not why am I not doing a good job at this and I I think you know Les has been telling me he's like you do do a great job but it was just internally what I was going through I I just could not any any little thing would just make me feel depleted and like this is so hard and now if my kid has a meltdown I don't feel like the whole day is ruined and like I'm just completely failed and like this is the hardest thing ever I'm I'm able to just let it wash off my back and yeah and and know that we're doing the best that we possibly can and and I can still have a great day and it I really was not having that in the summer you know I I recently thought that like some days and in the toddler stage and that there's so many hard stages but the meltdowns and the whining and you know I think people are surprised to hear me say like sometimes the only the only true difference you can have between the days whether it feels impossible or hard like hard is sometimes the best it gets it's possible it sounds like some of your days and mornings were impossible there were some impossible days and that's so real when we feel that way and it's so important to say there's various types of support I can seek and all of them are a sign of strength like to seek any of them um and I think it's also just so important like a parent of stuff like I have three kids and like like truly the other day like one of my kids was screaming and they're so upset and I know they were sad they weren't invited to a summer party my other one is having a meltdown about not getting attention and then my baby I see them with like a sharpie marker on my brand new wallpaper like what do I do and I'm like I don't know and I'm like what and I was like you you think there's any human who's gonna tell you something that's gonna fix it you survive yeah you try not to make it too much worse you take a deep breath and and you give yourself something at the end of the night and and and the reason I think that's so important is sometimes certain days they don't get better than hard like a meltdown nobody's like but you can get to a place where like this stinks yeah not my favorite part of the day and it's also not coloring all my day or it doesn't color my whole identity of how I thought about myself as a mother that gets real dark and that's the thing that it's true and I'm so glad you brought it up like that's the thing I tell parents like you you don't have to feel that way there there's things that can help you just go to heart absolutely and also just like it also makes you more equipped to deal with it in a way that that will help them get through it so much faster true you know if if I'm not spiraling with the tantrum and I can keep my calm and he repairs so beautifully at times and it and it it's so surprising and beautiful and um I'm able to feel more present and more joy when I see it when I feel it so yeah if that helps anybody oh my goodness that's gonna help everybody I hope yeah you know that moment when your kid is hungry right now and you're like okay what can I grow up that's fast and I actually feel good about that's why I love Once Upon a Farm they make delicious organic farm fresh food for kids of all ages with no added sugar or preservatives and they have so many options refrigerated pouches frozen meals pantry snacks plus oat and protein bars so it's easy to find what works for your kid and your day once upon a farm was founded by parents and it shows what their real commitment to transparency and doing good for families in the planet and they're available online and at retailers nationwide so for your next I need something now moment use code good inside for 40 percent off your first subscription at once upon a farm organics.com tell me about proudest moment recently for each of you and parenting and also hardest hardest moment or hardest thing the hardest part of it and it could just be a proud moment that felt like a really high bar sorry like I'm just gonna bring that part down proudest I'll tell you you're proud of you it's the video you sent yesterday of Able waking up you know because they happen they happen like that yeah yeah we've been going through a really hard phase which has been like on and off for the last I don't know month or two but our son who who's still he's just so sweet he had been waking up in the mornings and and with me especially just like one thing would set him off and then the morning would be just really challenging and he woke up the other morning and he looked out the window and he was he was just went straight to the window and he was looking at the sunrise it was a beautiful pink in the sky and he's so you know observant and curious and he was just looking at the sky and saying how beautiful it is mama and then he was talking about the clouds and saying I wish I could eat the clouds and they taste like clouds for breakfast they taste like marshmallows and then he had had a fit tantrum the night before and he's in a bit of a destructive phase so he had been like throwing stuff and he threw this vase that I really love and it chipped some of it off and he went and he grabbed the vase and he said I'm sorry for breaking this mama on his own and he was like but look it's only a tiny piece I think we can fix it and he also said because last night I said I really loved that vase and he so today this morning that morning he woke up and was like I love it too and it was just like she sent me the video of it's very sweet I grabbed the because he was going on and on about the sky and then I didn't know he was going to go pick up the vase oh my goodness so it's moments like that where you're like they are listening it are and and he was able to you know in a moment of calm and and beauty and it was it was very sweet and and it felt that was a definite proud and look I mean the kids who notice everything there are kids who notice more than other kids like my middle is like this like she sees things she smells like she won't go in any New York City garage but and not because by the way none of them smell great but she describes this smell that I don't smell at all and I feel like in the past people would say that kid like you're dramatic like I'm like you are a super sensor you smell things I get it notice things right and you also then you feel things more intensely you do I think so many of those kids do become performers they become the comedians who notice all the little things that the rest of her like oh yeah it is like that but we would have never put it together and it's hard to be a kid who's so perceptive and kind of absorbent in the world which results both to the things he struggles with and to these amazing moments of appreciating the beauty and you know the the imagined taste of a cloud right I was proud of Lucy this morning you know small thing but Abel you know he's four so he was he was missing it but she wasn't taking the bait I was very proud of her she was she was being a very good big sister she was trying she really was trying to be the bigger person she was you know she was trying to connect with him she was trying to watch the thing he wanted to watch and he was missing it but she was and it was frustrating her a little bit but she wasn't taking the best she didn't go where he went yeah you know and so um I was proud of her sounds like she's some boundaries like whoa you're doing something there and I'm not gonna fully she is learning the boundaries yeah it's good we have to we have to like we we've had a few conversations with her about that and this morning anyway she was able to remember yeah you know something I always think about those moments and I haven't thought about it between siblings I haven't even said this to my own kids but I think about it whenever my kid is like like asking me to join in something that I know is going to be unproductive you know kind of it's like it's like inviting someone to like a horrible party it's like do you want to come to a party where we're both going to be yelling we're both going to probably cries gonna be power struggles and you know what I'd say I'd be like no yeah that's really that sounds like a horrible party you know and our kids keep inviting us but like if we think about it that way with a little humor like they can keep inviting us we know the kind of parties we enjoy and it and I even think for kids like there's like look your brother's gonna invite you to things some are gonna be awesome things some are gonna be not as awesome and we saw you say no to the kind of party that's one of the ones that wasn't gonna be fun for either of you that was so cool you could tell the difference because isn't that such a life skill it's great I wrote that I think they'll get a kick out of that too they'll think it's funny is like I'm not going to that party exactly you know you gotta add a little humor to these these moments okay what about the hardest the hardest thing about parenting for each of you I mean balance is hard especially right now you know um there's just um um and in the in the grand scheme of things my life is balanced because um you know I I've learned to work with a certain amount of unemployment a certain amount of free time it's I'm never not doing anything but you know there's times when my my time is not accounted for for anybody except for myself so in those times I'm up with the kids and um you know you sleep in babe I walk them and you know I'm cooking dinner and you know there's those so I have I can have that for months and months and then I have a time where you know I'm exhausted in the morning because I have a night job right and I you know I'm exhausted in the morning and you know they're going during the day and I'm leaving right when they're getting home so that can you know that's hard for me in this season remembering um that it's not always like this you know that's that's tough for me right now yeah I laughed because this morning he woke up um so funny at 7 30 I wake up it was it was 7 15 or something I wake up at 6 20 because I try to wake up like 10 minutes before the which I did like two days ago yeah you're you're this is no judgment I know but two days ago I let you sleep in right so like I felt like that it felt like another one of those morning this morning he he woke up came into the kitchen we'd been up for a long time and he was like I really thought I was waking up I was gonna wake up and just let you sleep in for the morning and yeah I thought for sure oh for sure it's you know this is it must be like 5 30 this let me let me let me let Nick sleep in they'd been up for hours but another time it was but yeah I I think the hardest one of the hardest things for me and you know uh moms it's it's an interesting relationship with kids and I'm sure depending on your household it whatever the parent is that it serves the role that I serve it's an interesting um role to to take on because there's a lot you sort of hold everybody's pain and their joy and their you hold a lot of it we carry so much in the day and so yeah finding that that space for myself yeah finding the the self-care the balance of that and really um yeah I think anxiety has been a huge journey for me through motherhood it really just got exponentially bigger when I had kids and so I think honestly this journey of taking medication for the anxiety has yeah has really helped to show that um maybe it won't be my biggest challenge I mean it's always there's always anxiety and things but you know in our in relationship you know les has traveled way more you know we both travel for work and stuff but for so much of our relationship he's been out of town and this and that and so I've you know being at the house with the kids on my own um there's an anxiety that has come with that of you know if they're sick at night and I'm here by myself or whatever it is but yeah I think I'm in discovering the self-care balance which includes uh you know that that kind of health medication or whatever whatever your journey is um it's getting easier so before I move to my rapid fire questions at the end I just like what what was it like for the two of you for like Hamilton's meteoric rise because that was pre-kids okay what was that like crazy it was tough for nick because um we were for the first time for the very first time we were in rooms where people were like yeah yeah yeah yeah but him yeah or whatever you know yeah and and it was tough for me because obviously you know I had to I certainly felt like I had to take advantage of every single opportunity and everything you know I didn't really have the tools or the time make the time to check on her you know really in that way so I think it was it was tough for nick um during that climb during that rise things leveled out you know over time and we've gone back and done repair and yeah going back in you know talking about how we wanted to do it this time and um we've yeah we we've had the years to sort of what was that you know and and we don't want that to happen again you know how do I make sure that I don't let go of your hand in this room you know how do we make sure that we don't let somebody you know pull me away from you if you don't need if I don't yeah so that it was like wonderful and strange yeah it was it was all the things I mean it was also so beautiful and so magical and some of the rooms that we were invited into were insane and just getting to watch him for the first time watch in real time watch people recognize how incredible he is um was incredibly emotional incredibly uh um a singular experience for sure and we we are so keenly aware of how what a rare moment that was and how lucky we are and how lucky we were to be able to go through that and to but now you know like he said I think um having grown having had some age and some life and some and learned more about ourselves um we're entering this second time with so much more healing and so much more awareness of um what we want to invite in and um so it's it's been really beautiful to do it a second time yeah yeah and with our kids which is cool kids yeah they weren't even here the first time I know you know I had this thought but when I was going back in you know for the 10 year anniversary 10 year thinking a lot about this 10 10 10 and this was wild so I remembered okay so 10 years ago my daughter wasn't here I remember that that doesn't feel like it's that terribly long ago and this same amount of time in theory she'll be waving goodbye on the way to college like in this same amount I think that's how fast it is yeah she wasn't here she's here and then she's gonna be gone what let's not talk about gone okay let's uh no still she did ask me the other day if she could live with us when she's some children do that she's like can I still she can my my baby girl can and my baby boy yeah you know that moment when your kid is hungry right now and you're like okay what can I grab that's fast and I actually feel good about that's why I love Once Upon a Farm they make delicious organic farm fresh food for kids of all ages with no added sugar or preservatives and they have so many options refrigerated pouches frozen meals pantry snacks plus oat and protein bars so it's easy to find what works for your kid and your day once upon a farm was founded by parents and it shows what their real commitment to transparency and doing good for families in the planet and they're available online and at retailers nationwide so for your next I need something now moment use code good inside for 40 off your first subscription at once upon a farm organics dot com okay you guys ready for a rapid fire let's go around a minute go nicolette and leslie ready first role you ever played um soccer girl on party of five tv show it was a little yeah martin luther king in nursery school for the for the black history pageant one word to describe the feeling of performing oh god you said rapid fire i'm so bad at fast things transcendent oh emotional favorite show or movie you've seen recently oh sinners yeah sinners yeah can i copy yeah yeah i love can join yeah i saw it twice i can join yeah a parenting moment that knocked you off your chair funny ridiculous offensive just oh my goodness did that just happen i remember this is one of my favorite stories i remember lucy was um she was like two and um we had this we had this very sweet housekeeper um uh a couple times a weekend la that we loved and she was like the most important person in the house i used to tell like yo i love all y'all but like maria is number one in this house and lucy was two you know so she was one of the she was like uh i don't like you her name was maria and this one did she say i don't like you maria i don't like you ria and when i tell you about you we will put you right out of this house you do not you do not disrespect maria you got a phone so yeah so we dragged her in her room you know how dare she right and then she comes back out uh you know i don't like ria whatever you know she kept saying it it was so just for the reaction at that point embarrassing and anyway we like you know this before we knew about the genius of you we took a breath we just reset the energy and um and you know let's make some breakfast let's you know we and we let it go we we start focusing on it and then a few minutes later i never i to this day i i have a harder time with this than my kid but she came on her own at two something years old she's she went i do like you ria i'm sorry for saying i don't like you you know that she came to that on her own knocked me off my chair that you know what it said to me was as somebody who grew up in a in a house with where there was no repair ever that there's something she's seeing there's something that she's modeling where she's not too proud that's right it to admit when she's wrong yes she's gonna make mistakes but if she can come back and she can repair she's gonna be all right and you know what you did which i think is is so beautiful and so you obviously have this in you we all do like doing nothing trusting and giving time i just think those three together like the most underutilized strategy like maybe i don't have to do anything in reaction maybe i could wait maybe i can trust and and like she she proved that out i can't even tie many times at my kids i'm like i know you're lying about this and i feel the need based on all the old stuff to lie to my face whatever it is what if i just wait what what if i wait i mean exactly um you know something about waiting right so but really and it's it's amazing i can always if i really want to go yell at my kid later i can do that full permission becky i'm the adult i can go yell later if i really feel the urge to scream at my child's face you know but but it usually it's usually not the first thing on my mind after a while and sometimes before that my kids already done the thing that i would have yelled at them for not doing and we all know when you're yelled at you know and you made feel like you're a bad kid you think you're gonna do the thing then no now now you feel stuck and shame and you know so that's amazing last question your kids are older and someone just says like what was your mom like or someone says like what is your dad like and they start the sentence like oh my mom or oh my dad and they say one thing what do you hope they say i hope they say my mom loves me more than anybody in this world and my mom is sweet and kind and strong and she's also taught me to do things that i love for myself too i'll just say my dad married well i hope they say you said enough nauseatingly nice things to me you know i sit you know i really hope that they say like you know my dad's my dad might be the kindest guy i know my dad's my dad's a kind guy thank you both this was this was incredible and i really just say the way that you the way that you share like your stories and and put things together in this coherent way like i just know that that takes that takes like a lot of work to get there to talk about things that were painful to talk about lessons learned um it's it's amazing to be in your presence and i feel grateful to be let in so thank you we do you've been um very present in our household and really helped us through a lot of really hard moments more than you know so i'm a leading generation of your parents we appreciate you and your work and we'll keep texting and asking questions about that please do yeah i'm finding it really hard to do any recap of this conversation because every moment felt so important i'll tell you the things that are loudest on my mind number one the power of repair when we repair with our kids we are cycle breakers and we also then we'll see them repair with others that's incredible two boundaries boundaries show us where we end and someone else begins of course they're important and three i love this idea of leaving a legacy of kindness so powerful let's end the way we always do place your feet on the ground and a hand on your heart and let's remind ourselves even as we struggle on the outside we remain good inside i'll see you soon okay parents quick check in if your brain feels like it's holding everyone's schedule except your own you're not doing it wrong you're carrying a lot i see this all the time school emails activities chores dinner plans and somehow it all lives in one person's head usually moms and that gets exhausting that's why i love skylight calendar it's a smart touchscreen calendar that takes everything swirling around in your brain schedules chores meals grocery lists and puts it in one place where the whole family can actually see it and participate it syncs with google apple outlook all of it and you can color code each family member so there's a lot less wait i didn't know in your house plus with the free skylight companion app you can add or update events lists and more on the go and i appreciate this if after 120 days you're not 100 happy you can return it for a full refund no questions asked right now you can get 30 off a 15 inch skylight calendar at myskylight.com slash becky that's myskylight.com slash becky