Christmas Conflict, Travel Anxiety & Family Fallouts 💌 December Magic Mailbag

Idol money lies in your current account picking crumbs out of its belly button wondering, should I eat them? But when you start investing with Monzo, your money's always busy. You turn on regular investments, invests your spare change, and tops up your stocks and shares' isre. It even helps you make sense of risk and return. Monzo, the bank that gets your money moving. You could get back less than you invest. Monzo current account required UK residents 18 plus TCC supply. Just a short reminder before you drift off, sleep awareness week is coming to a close, and there are only a few days left to begin your 30 day free trial of team magic. If you've been wanting to approve your sleep and experience the very best of this show, this is your final chance to enjoy 30 nights of team magic completely free. A team magic subscription gives you ad-free listening plus hundreds of exclusive sleep hypnosis sessions designed to help you fall asleep faster and sleep more deeply through the night, along with a new premium only release every other week. And with 30 days, you'll have time to feel the shift. Once this extended trial ends on March 16, it won't be available again for some time. So if this feels like the right moment, tap, try free in Apple podcasts or use the link in the show notes before this week ends. There's no better week to choose rest. I'll be right here when you're ready. Hi everyone, this is Jessica Porter and welcome back to Sleep Magic, a podcast where I help you find the magic of your own mind, helping you to sleep better and live better. So today is this month's mailbag episode, where I will do my best to answer questions that you've sent in. Before we get to that first, I want to say a few things. One, I'm not an official expert on any of these topics, except hypnosis. And we do have one question this week, which really has me dive into hypnosis. So I'm going to give you my thoughts and experience and perspectives and like do with them what you will. I won't pretend to know stuff that I don't. If you need professional support with any of these issues, I encourage you to seek it out. And finally, if you fall asleep when you hear my voice, because you've trained yourself to fall asleep when you hear my voice, that's great. But please don't be listening to this in a situation where it's dangerous to fall asleep. If you want to hear the actual content, you might want to listen to it while you're on a walk or something, but not while you're driving. All right, let's get into it. The first question is from Gina. Hey Jessica, with it coming up to Christmas, I have a question. Any tips on how to stay calm around my extended family, when they say things I don't agree with, whether it's political or personal comments to me, such as how I dress or by the fact I'm eating different food to them, etc., etc., maybe I'm too sensitive. I'm not sure, but how do I let it not bother me and upset me? I have a feeling some other listeners may be able to relate. Yeah, Gina, I think we all relate just certain extent. Absolutely. This is a great question. Thank you for asking this. I actually did an episode just recently, probably coming out very soon or around this time, about handling stress during the holidays, and it might be helpful to listen to that, and sort of prepare with it. I would recommend it to anyone going home or being around a family with that kind of social and emotional pressure. But let's get specific about your questions and some things you can do. Your question made me think about this deeply, and I'd like to offer you a few tools for this experience, and maybe you'll use one of them or two of them or none of them, but hopefully any listener in the situation will have, will at least have something to play with over the holidays. First, I think in these situations, it's really important that we're able to take care of ourselves, to stay present and centered, and to be able to soothe ourselves. I mean, these are family gatherings. It's not one-on-one therapy with family members. It's not an opportunity, at least I want to take to blow things up in public, you know? So the best I can do, and maybe it's always the best I can do, is to be able to soothe me during experiences that may be uncomfortable or tumultuous. I am a really big proponent and practitioner of this thing that I learned in hypnosis like 30 years ago, which is just putting my hand over my heart, like physically putting a hand to my own chest. And for me, that's a symbol that I'm protecting my core, protecting my little kid inside. And it's not like a symbol I expect other people to see. In fact, sometimes I do it, and I sort of hide that I'm doing it. It's not some gesture for the world. It's a signal from me to me that I'm okay. I'm here. No matter the drama going on around me, I'm here. And it really helps me to regulate my nervous system, or at least check in with it, so I don't like lose myself. So you might try practicing that gesture, or some kind of gesture, but it really finds the heart tunes me in to where I'm at. Try it when you listen to sleep magic at night, right at the beginning, or when you're meditating. You want to do it when you're relaxed, so you really get that message, that connection installed. But you can also just do it during the day, and especially in situations that are uncomfortable. It's a great way of grounding yourself. When you suddenly feel like things are getting weird, so no matter what's going on around you, you've got you, which is great. So that's one thing. And it's a real active tool. The other things that I want to offer are more like attitudes that you may want to cultivate for the holidays. The first one is acceptance. Practicing acceptance of others is a really important thing to do for our peace of mind. Because, well, we can only ever be ourselves. I've said versions of this on the show before, but the takeaway is that other people being themselves is not as personal to me as I think it is. You know, like a tulip in the garden is just being a tulip. Let's imagine one of your relatives who has really strong political beliefs that you disagree with is just a tulip. And that tulip is like watching the news and getting intense on social media, just being that tulip fully. Maybe the petals are getting sort of frayed or even flying off, but they're just doing themselves. And they're in the same garden, and you're a geranium in that garden, and you are being nourished by whatever influences you've chosen to surround yourself with. Well, that tulip being the tulip actually has very little to do with you. Even if the tulips like screaming across the garden or throwing dirt at the geranium, it sort of has nothing to do with you or your essence or your mission in life. I've learned this over the 27 years that have been a hypnotherapist, client after client. I see we are all watching our own movies in our own minds. Even when we're connecting with people around us in meaningful ways. And especially these days, we can really be siloed in our own realities, which makes the weird tulips even weirder, but still, that's just them doing their thing. So you might want to imagine the members of your extended family, go into deep relaxation and really bring up each one in your mind and just see them, simply being themselves and accept them. That's what they're doing, and in fact, it's all they can do, just as you are being the geranium. And that might help you accept them, which can help you detach from feeling like they're out to get you or are singling you out. And that leads me to another layer of acceptance or understanding. And that is that most of us do not in modern life make a journey internally into the self deeply. Most people don't get a therapy, most people don't do inventories of their own fears, most people don't do hypnosis. And like no judgment, that's just the world that we're in. And the world is getting increasingly speedy and externalized and extroverted and vying for our attention. But the thing is going inside when self is very natural. We need to go inside to organize our thoughts, feel our feelings, self reflect. And then when we digested them a bit, we shift gears and express our energy to the outside world. And while we're paying attention to the outside world, we collect data, we have experiences, we connect with others, we teach things, we learn things. And then we come back to ourselves and self reflect and sift and sort and grow. And then we go back out again. It's like a boomerang. Now this movement in and out isn't always that simple. You're not like in, out, in, out. But you know what I'm saying, there's energy going in deep to a core that reflects and energy going out to the world at whatever rate one does it. This balancing act is the most natural thing in the world. And yet in our current world, the vast majority of people are discouraged from doing that. And this going inside can even be shamed or called naval gazing or isolation or narcissism. I mean, sometimes it is when your mechanism is only to go inside or look at self and only get your own needs met, that's out of balance too. But that's not what I'm addressing right here. Suffice it to say that a lot of people in this world are not balanced. So in pressurized social situations, which all holiday experiences generally are, they're just doing whatever they can do to survive and be okay. Many people are just defaulting to their coping mechanisms. Most of us, all of us are defaulting to our coping mechanisms. And sometimes just thrusting them in other people's faces. So yeah, the holidays can be hard in large part because we all feel a certain social pressure and we don't necessarily know how to handle it. So people use alcohol or overeat or overshare or pepper you with questions and judgments and criticisms. And that's like the currency that that person has, especially under pressure. Those are their tools. They're coping mechanisms. And all those coping mechanisms get used because very few of us are trained to put our hands on our hearts and connect with ourselves. So when I put my hand on my heart and I send the signal to my body, my inner being that I'm okay. And I just need to be the Jessica flower in the family garden. And that's all I'm doing. Just being here, being me. And I can just look at others and accept them because they're doing their best, just being themselves. And yeah, they might say something weird about the food I'm eating, but they're just being themselves. So that's tool number two, cultivating acceptance. Cultivate some acceptance of each individual before you even get there. Send them love before you meet them over the gravy boat. Finally, you wonder if you're being too sensitive when people make comments about what you're wearing or what you're eating. And I think what I said about acceptance applies to this, but there's one more thing. And I offer this last one, assuming that your family isn't horribly toxic and mean. In other words, that you're not going into some situation that is dangerous or abusive. That's a whole other category. So assuming that, I'd like to offer one more attitude, a sense of humor about yourself. Now, you may have a great sense of humor about yourself the rest of the year. And it may be harder to find during a family gathering because there's more history and the relationships are more complicated. But think of a family gathering as the Olympics of learning to laugh at yourself. You know, it's like Frank Sinatra in New York. If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere. If I can laugh at myself at Christmas, I'm in good shape. Unfortunately, this ability to laugh at ourselves and see ourselves as sort of ridiculous at times. Well, it seems to be getting lost lately. But it's, I promise you, one of the healthiest traits anyone can cultivate. When I make fun of myself, I'm embracing my contradictions and vulnerabilities, which are all parts of being alive. And everyone is a bag of contradictions and strange behaviors. Everyone is weird. So when I can look at my own quirks, the whoo things I do or the strange foods I eat, and understand that they are not all of me, that they are just the funny details within a much bigger existence. Which, by the way, is also bigger than my ego or my identity. They are not all of who I am or who you are. Then I can laugh at myself because none of it is all that important. And here's a pro tip I learned doing stand-up comedy. When I laugh at myself first, I get the audience on my side. And then we can laugh about anything after that, including them. So it's actually a great way to open up the whole room and let everyone feel more at ease. So here's an exercise. Consider what others might find odd or funny or strange about what you think, what you wear, and what you eat. Consider how someone else might poke fun at it or not understand it. And do it yourself first. Step into the you that's bigger than that quality or habit or article of clothing. You can handle it. I promise. It's important that we don't let our own egos and their sensitivities rule our lives. And that's advice for more than family gatherings. It will serve you in every situation. You have an inner being. Some people call it a spirit, a soul, a psyche, an unconscious, under your sense of self or your quirks or that food or what you wear. And it's just energy. And that's connected to everything. It's connected to your families, connected beyond your families, connected to nature. It's connected to the whole. Our job is to let go of all the stuff on top of that quickly or slowly or somewhere in between. We let go and we become free. So keep that in mind. So those are the three tools for the holidays. Put your hand on your heart, connect with your inner self, cultivate acceptance, and try to laugh at yourself sometimes. Don't take yourself too seriously in preparation for this gathering. I hope that helps. Best-case scenario, there's one more level to this. So forgive me going on and on. And I just want to warn everyone, we only have three questions tonight or maybe four, but I go into them in great depth. There's one more level to this. Best-case scenario, you actually bring a loving vibe into this family experience instead of feeling defensive or reactive. Best-case scenario, you are so centered and peaceful that you ask the questions and you get curious about your uncle and you become the spiritual grown-up in the room, putting out a really loving vibe. Now, I got to say that's a stretch for me to even say because I think I've spent as so many holiday seasons just being defensive and worn down. So, and my family's great. I love my family, but it's a ton of energy coming at you from a ton of different directions, different generations, different needs, everyone's nervous under pressure. But when I find even within that chaos, I can use my sleep magic tools and just bring my awareness to my breath and let my body relax and let go. Then, you know, I can say, hey, uncle, so and so, tell me about the best thing you did this year. Tell me about what makes you happy. And tell me what you're looking forward to in the next year. I want to know, and I bring the vibe instead of waiting for everyone else to mess with my vibe. With genuine openness and curiosity and that still centered place inside, you might turn a lot of those interactions around. You have the capacity to do that. I mean, if not this year, it'll come. So, right now, bottom line is take care of yourself. Keep that hand on your heart and just breathe. Thank you so much for the question. I really appreciate it, Gina. Have a great holiday season. Project Hill Mary is the cinematic event of the year. We're just counting on you, Dr. Grace. Starring Ryan Gosling. I'm not an astronaut. Two worlds. One impossible mission. So, I met an alien project, Hill Mary. You are a bravest human I have ever met. Is joke. I only meet one human and is you. In cinemas everywhere March 19th. The next question is from Anonymous. Hey, Jessica, I'm writing on behalf of my mom. 25 years ago, she broke down on her honeymoon on a cruise. The PTSD and anxiety has left her struggling to go on holidays since. Even if it's only for one night in your home, she hasn't let the country for 25 years, but I know she'd love to see the world. I'm worried that she's going to regret this as she grows older. It's also pretty tough on my dad who can't share these experiences with his wife. Any tips on how to help her? She tried hypnotherapy and it didn't seem to work. Hi Anonymous. Thank you for your question. I've used your question as an opportunity to dive a little deeply into hypnosis. What it is, what it isn't, ways of doing hypnosis and the different types of things you can use it for. I hope this answer feels personal to you, but I also wanted to be pertinent to everyone. So, when you say your mom tried hypnotherapy and it didn't work, I'm curious about what that means. Because there are several things happening, possibly when somebody doesn't get the results they want in hypnosis. First, and the most common factor, I think, is that the person doesn't actually want the results, or doesn't want them enough. Now, before we go on, I want to say, I don't assume that your mom falls into this category. This is generally seen when people need to give up an addictive habit, or create a new behavior like public speaking or something. Often people come to a hypnotist looking for a silver bullet, a magic cure, a rescue mission, and hypnosis is none of those things. It's simply a tool that helps us find a frame of mind where our goals can be realized when the motivation is there. But it can't create the motivation. It unblocks the pathway. It reduces obstacles. It sort of creates a way, but it doesn't create the energy to move along that pathway. And even though it creates a way that doesn't mean there isn't work involved, and it doesn't mean that it's entirely comfortable all the time. Hypnosis just creates a root along which things are more possible, more doable. And in the case of smokers, especially, and I worked with smokers for many years, the person often thinks that they want to change, and everyone around that person wants them to change, and is willing to support them, but that's different than actually wanting to change. A thought isn't strong enough. Like for a smoker knowing that it causes cancer is generally not enough to get them to quit. Readiness to change is deeper than a thought. In fact, readiness is like hundreds of thoughts and feelings repeated so often that they become a force in the body. They have to have the muscle. Like if you were to consider the human body made up of 100 percentage points of energy, 100 units of energy. Readiness to change requires having at least 51% of those units pushing in the direction of the new reality. Really wanting. It's not just being mentally ready for the new thing to come along, or hoping that the new thing comes along, the client has to propel themselves in the new direction. And that's particularly difficult with an addiction because the addictive substance is working to keep them in bondage. And one of the hard things is that we're not in control of our degree of readiness. We're just not. It's a frustrating truth, but that's been my experience both as a person and as a hypnotist. And there's no blame. When someone's not ready, they're just not ready. It's like when you got something in the oven, it's not ready. It's just not ready. So that could be your mom's issue, but given that she's wrestling with the PTSD, I presume she'd like relief from that. So I'll address that in a minute. Another problem people encounter in hypnosis sometimes is that they don't feel relaxed with the hypnotist. It's literally the job of the hypnotist to develop a rapport with the client so that she relaxes and can connect and contact those deeper parts of her mind. The hypnotist can have the best suggestions crafted in the best way in the best smooth silky voice. But if there's no rapport, there's no hypnosis. And even worse than getting no results is the client walking away thinking hypnosis doesn't work when it was actually a lack of rapport that was the problem. And that is always 100% of the time the hypnotists fault. Because they need to take their time to get past any fears or misconceptions that the client may have about hypnosis and generally build some trust. So that person will relax. It's the most important part of the whole process. And it actually has nothing to do with the art of hypnosis. So that may have happened. She may have done hypnosis in a group which sometimes compromises your ability to relax. She may have done it with a hypnotist that she didn't feel relaxed enough with. She may have listened to tapes or CDs or whatever we do these days and not, you know, dug it. So that could be a factor. Next, there's a type of hypnotherapy called direct suggestion where a hypnotist brings the client into deep relaxation and just talks, doing all the talking, sort of rambling on, making a string of positive suggestions to her in what's called a hypnotic pattern without any interaction from the client. And then maybe the hypnotist gives her a recording of what he or she said that repeats it all saying, you love traveling. You're over everything. You're doing great now. Blah, blah, blah. And I don't mean to make fun of this type of hypnosis. It's extremely powerful in the situations in which it is suited and there are many, but it is very passive. And in the case of your mother, it may not have been enough. So I'm just wondering if maybe that's the type of hypnosis she experienced. So those things I mentioned might be posing a problem here. But if your mother is came to try again, there is another form of hypnotherapy that's deeper and more interactive. She would be taken into deep relaxation and still be talking and reacting to the hypnotist, just with her eyes closed. So it's a conversation. And she in the hypnotherapist would go back and visit that moment on the cruise that scared her. And because this time she's really, really relaxed. She would perceive it more gently, kind of slowed down. But she'd be back in her body in that moment just for a few seconds. Then the hypnotherapist would ask her to come out of that moment, to come out of that older version of herself and perceive that younger self in the scary situation from the outside. In other words, her current self would see that young woman 25 years ago on her honeymoon, going through something scarier awful. And the current self would talk to the younger self and be very gentle. Like, hey, I know you're scared. But I want you to know that this moment is over and you survived. And it's okay to relax now. And you didn't do anything wrong. And the present self can even say some really trippy things like, I know your future. I know with 100 percent accuracy what you've been doing for the last 25 years and you're doing great. You're married, you have lovely kids, you're a great mom and you're safe. So it's okay to let go of this moment. And what happens every single time is that when the younger self hears these truths, she relaxes and let's go and sort of sheds his layer of fear from the inside out. And it's gone. Gone forever because the body does not want to hold onto it. It never really did. It just got sort of stuck in the nervous system. And the subconscious mind doesn't want to hold onto it because it wants to feel good. And honestly, I've never seen it not work. It's really amazing actually. And one of the reasons I'm continually odd and humbled by hypnosis and the power of the mind to heal itself. So if your mom really wants to be free of this and wants to do that kind of hypnotherapy, it's pretty easy to do. You could get to stuff in one or two sessions. So feel free to reach out to me over my website. I'd be happy to work with her or you can look for hypnotherapists in your area. And when all the PTSD is gone, well, let's see whether she wants to travel or not. We don't know yet. That's a whole other thing because this is not about the pressure to travel. It's about freeing her from that time on the cruise. Because then she'll be in the moment and make her own decisions about what she wants to do. All right, I hope that helps. Thank you for writing. Okay, everybody, that's it for now. Thank you for indulging my mental acrobotics. We do the show monthly with extended episodes for subscribers. So please submit your questions in the next few weeks and I can answer them in the next episode. You can ask me anything, whether it's about an issue you're having, a question about me, question about life, hypnosis, whatever. I'm open answering as many as I can. So be sure to send them in. If you are a sleepyest subscriber on the Sleepiest app or on Apple podcasts, subscribe through Apple podcasts, send your questions to hello at sleepmagic.fm. That's hello at sleepmagic.fm. And if you listen on any other podcast platform, go into the show notes. There's a super cast link. And then within that, you'll find and ask me anything feature. And you can write your question there. Yay. I really look forward to hearing your questions. Please let me know in the reviews what you thought of this episode. Also, sorry, we can't get to everyone's questions. Some of them are too specific or we will continue. We have a nice growing pile of questions and we will try to get to everything that we can. But please, please no matter what, keep sending them in and I'll work on answering them. Thank you so much. Have a great night.