Your Children Are Quietly Studying Your Marriage!

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You don't need to feel shame, you don't need to feel guilt, you don't need to feel embarrassment. If you need, GoFundMe. Use GoFundMe. There is something happening in your home every single day that no one is announcing, but your children are learning from it. Not from what you say, from how you live, from how you speak to each other, from how you handle stress, how you handle conflict, distance, how you handle repair. Because whether we realize it or not, we are not just building a marriage. We are building a blueprint they carry forward. We are shaping the emotional atmosphere of our homes. And one day, our children will follow it. Get comfortable, we're about to have another powerful conversation. Get ready, let's go. Uh, no. Oh, that's better, right, babe? Yeah. Yeah. She founded an architectural concrete company. He founded a hundred million dollar clothing company. She took the world by storm as a social media star. He took the world by storm as a famous serial entrepreneur. Together we started a business and had babies. Now we're figuring out the best ways to do both. Join us as we learn from other entrepreneurs going through the same life struggle as they share their life hacks about success. Love kids and everything in between. Hello, my friend, and welcome back to Becoming Unshakable, the legacy conversations bonus series, a special edition brought to you by the entrepreneur parents podcast, a community of strong families building unshakable legacies. I'm your host, Ilyko Ferenci, and over the last several episodes, we've talked through some incredibly powerful topics together. We've talked about emotional safety, repair. We talked about accountability, rebuilding trust, deepening intimacy, and protecting what matters most. And today we're taking one step higher because this is no longer just about marriage. This is about your legacy. Let's start here. Children don't learn from instruction. Okay, they don't learn from what you tell them is a great marriage. And these are the things you need to do. They learn from observation. They are watching how you speak to each other, how you respond when you're irritated or frustrated, annoyed. They're watching how you respond. They're watching how you handle pressure, how you handle stress, what you act like after conversations on the phone. They watch how you repair. Do you walk out? Do you have a strong conversation? They watch how you come back together. Okay, if you come back together, maybe you sweep it under the rug, but they're watching. And whether you realize it or not, I'm tripping over my words, your marriage is shaping what love feels like to them. And even deeper than that, they are learning something most parents don't even realize that they're teaching. They're learning. They're learning. Is it safe for me to be fully seen? Is it safe for me to be fully seen? If they explode when that thing happens, is it safe for me to be fully seen? They're watching how you respond to each other's emotions. Do you listen? Or do you dismiss? Do you look up? Do you give eye contact? Do you give full attention? Do you soften? Do you explode? Do you shut down? What happens? Or do you make space? Do you make space? Do you make space? And really, really take in what your partner is telling you? Or do you make someone feel small? Brush it off? Like their feelings don't matter. It's not important. Why are we even having this conversation? Is there affection? Or is there avoidance? Is it avoided? Is the conversation avoided? Are the feelings avoided? Because children don't just learn behavior. They learn emotional safety. And their nervous system starts forming a belief. Is it safe for me to express myself? Or do I need to hold things in? Because that'll happen to me. Right? Let this land. These are just, this is the conversation. These are the questions. From a psychological and developmental standpoint, this is well established. Children don't just, they don't just remember events. They remember emotional environments. They remember how it felt. This is part of what's known in psychology as attachment modeling. They internalize what safety feels like. Our children, our children, they internalize what safety feels like. What conflict looks like. What connection requires. What causes. And what love costs. Do they have to act a certain way to receive love? Because that's what they learned. And these patterns, they don't stay in childhood. They become the blueprint for their adult relationships. I was watching a clip of John Gottman sharing how if he was talking about a little girl and she comes up to her father, she has something to say, something to share. He said, father's put everything down. Make that little girl feel like the most important, most important person in the room. Really look at them, connect. And if you've done something wrong, take accountability. Take accountability. Yeah, I act like a big old, I acted like a big old meanie and that was wrong and I should have done it differently. I loved seeing that. These are the conversations that we talk about. Right? These are the things that we talk about. When we do something wrong or act out of character, we talk about those things with our children. I sure do. I should have handled that differently. Maybe something minor. I have the conversations over something minor. I don't want to just sweep it under the rug and pretend that it didn't happen. I have to acknowledge it. I could have gone about it this way. Or if my children have some type of emotion or go through or move through something, I ask them, could we have handled that in a different way? What way could we have handled that? What would have been a different option and what would have been the outcome? These are great conversations to have now so that they can remember this in their body and have these conversations when they grow up in their own relationships. I want to share something. They change the way I understand this. Not just as a wife, but as a mother. My children have the biggest hearts. They are feelers and they don't forget anything. If your children are like mine, my children don't forget anything. Not just what happened. They can recall every single moment, every word and how it felt. They remember the tone in the room. They remember the energy of a situation. They remember who showed up for them and who didn't. When they are little, these moments don't feel small to them. They feel incredibly significant. From a developmental standpoint, this is so important to understand. Children don't have the ability to rationalize the way adults do, the way older children do even. They don't say, oh, it wasn't really a big deal. Oh, that's fine. It didn't really mean anything. No, no, they feel it fully, fully. And if something hurts, it hurts hard. It brings them to tears. And if it's not talked through, the brain stores it as this matters. And I felt alone in it. That's why repair matters so much. Because repair, repair tells the child, you're safe. You're seen. You're not alone. I've had moments with both of my children where something small to others felt massive to them. And I couldn't just say like everyone else said, well, just forget about it. They're little. It's not a big deal. Because that doesn't restore connection. Right? That doesn't restore connection. Just sweeping it under the rug, pretending it didn't happen. And maybe they'll forget about someone not showing up to something that they think is huge, a big deal. And so, so what I do is I sit with them. I talk it through. I listen to them about the people or the situation that have hurt them that perhaps they don't trust or whatever it is that is coming towards them. I work to understand what happened. And I listen. And I have conversations to help them feel safe again. And I realized, I realized something in those moments that children don't forget what wasn't repaired. And it could truly change relationships forever. They don't forget. Especially my daughter. I think we've talked about this, this before my daughter and my son. They can recall things and they'll start crying about it. That's how badly it hurt their heart. It's unbelievable. It's beautiful. And it brings me to tears to know that they feel it so deeply. And then we have conversations. I don't stop crying. I don't do that. I don't say that. We talk about it so that they could feel empowered in how to handle their feelings better because they have to learn how to navigate their emotions as they get older, right? You have to understand how to navigate those emotions, how to be able to communicate effectively when you grow up. So I believe in my family, with my children, that we are giving them the tools to be able to navigate these things. And that's not by sweeping anything under the rug. Oh, and recently, recently, I saw this from a completely different angle in my own marriage. My husband came to me and apologized. I don't want to say that he doesn't apologize often, but when he does, it's a big deal. He came to me and apologized, not casually or rushed, but with intention and seriousness. He said something that stayed with me. And he acknowledged something that mattered deeply, that there were times in the past where I didn't feel protected, where outside pressures forced the way to try to come between us. And instead of defending our marriage and the infant stages, some of those things influenced it and kind of damaged it, to be honest. And he looked at me and said, I promise that will never happen again. He said, if there were moments where you didn't feel safe or that you didn't feel first, I take responsibility for that. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. And then he said something I will never forget. He said, the most important thing for our children to see is that you always come first over everything, over everyone that you come first. And he said something else that mattered just as much, that if anything or anyone ever tried to pressure him out of protecting our marriage, out of keeping me safe, or out of prioritizing our Holy Covenant, the way that God designed it, he would recognize it for what it is that it's not alignment, but interference. And he made it so clear that boundaries would be put in place. There will never be division in our family ever again. And this came, this came from his heart of a kingdom man, that kind of responsibility, and protecting your marriage, right? Protecting your marriage. Protecting your marriage, it sometimes means being very discerning about what and who you allow to influence it. Right, friends? Because he realized not every voice that is close to you is a sign to lead your marriage. And I felt that he meant it. I felt that I could see it, not just in his words, but in his posture and his ownership and his, his promise of commitment. And he told me that he would spend the rest of his life making that right if he had to. And in that moment, I felt something shift because gentlemen, that's what creates safety, being chosen, being protected, being prioritized. In our children, our children will feel that, right? They'll feel that with consistent effort, with prioritization and protection, right? Being poured into the marriage. And when that is happening, that consistent effort and prioritization, they will see that even when nothing is said in their presence, because they'll feel that energy without hearing the conversations or without seeing or hearing the apologies or apology, they will start to see the shift and the beautiful change that will become their blueprint. And I want to just add something here that is so important, right? And I learned that from from that conversation we had, that it is not our job to please the outside world. It is our responsibility to protect what God gave us inside of our home, the Holy Covenant, to stand with our spouse, to defend them even when they're not in the room, to choose them, especially when it would be easier not to, right? And please others simply to avoid friction or uncomfortability, if that's a word, if that's even a word, right? Because the truth is, if there is anyone worth fighting for, it's your Holy Covenant, right? Before God, your spouse. It is my priority as a wife to put my husband first, choosing him over everything and everyone, to surround myself, to choose the people I hang out with, right? To choose people that love him, that love our marriage and honor our marriage. I say that without hesitation, boldly, I will boldly always protect him at every table, even when he's not present. And I know he's not a coward, and he's stronger than ever, and he will always be ferocious and fearless to do the same. I believe that. I believe that. And people, when our children see that kind of love, they see loyalty, they see protection, unity, and it becomes something so powerful for them. It becomes a safety blanket over the home. They feel it, even when nothing is said. They will feel it, and safety will be locked in your home. I don't share that often, but when I do share, it's because I know that it's going to resonate with you. And maybe there's something that you want to grab your spouse, sit them down, or grab them by the shoulders, like in a nice, gentle way, gently grab them by the shoulders, look them in the eye, and maybe it's an apology for something. Maybe it's an apology for something that happened in the infant stages of your marriage. Maybe it's something that happened recently. Listen, we got to let go of the ego, and we have to have these uncomfortable conversations. I'm telling you the way that it hit me, the way that it struck me, and the ferociousness, like that will never, okay, and maybe that's not the tone, but that will never happen again. Like you are going to know that you are safe. You are safe. That's the tone. Okay? That's the tone. Like it was serious. And I appreciate that. So maybe there's a conversation that you need to have with your spouse. Maybe it's that annoying thing that comes up every once in a while. Remember that time? It's because they never felt acknowledged. It could be your husband or your wife. That time. That time. Maybe it's time to talk about that time. Right? And this is where I really, I really want to be honest with you guys. A strong relationship. We talk about this all the time. It's not perfect. It isn't about perfection. Right? We must be aware of that. But what goes unrepaired in a home doesn't disappear. Okay? You can lift up the carpet. It's still there. It's still there. You can't just sweep it under the carpet. The mess is still there. It's just hidden by the carpet. And it gets repeated. Okay? Instinctively by our children. So it's best to put in the work now because you want to break the chains, don't you? It's time to break the chains. Right? They are learning things like, do we yell? Right? Do we explode? Or do we regulate? And regulation simply means slowing down your body. Lowering your tone when you want to yell. Lowering your tone. Really consciously thinking about it and choosing to do the opposite of what you instinctually feel like doing in the moment. Just do the opposite. Take a breath. Choosing your response instead of reacting. Right? Because when parents regulate, listen carefully, children learn that big emotions are safe and manageable. That they are able to move through them once they have the tools. Right? And we got to ask ourselves, do we shut down? We got to ask ourselves these questions. Do we sweep things under the event? Or do we, sorry, do we sweep events or conversations under the rug? I was thinking faster than I, than I was speaking. Do we sweep things under the rug? Or do we stay present and have the conversations even when they're hard? Do we avoid? Do we run out and abandon the family? What do we do when we're upset? We leave for a couple days. What do we do? Or do we repair biblically before the sun goes down? Are we able to communicate? These are things we got to ask ourselves because we need to improve if we have a problem. Do we choose each other? Do we choose each other above everything? For our babies and our friends to see? Or do we prioritize everything else first? In this business community, entrepreneurial community, sometimes many of us have chosen to build before our family, to build the wrong success. Sometimes that's happened. And if that's a problem, any of these things that we asked ourselves about, if there's a problem, you must identify it. Or you must identify who or what distractions are pulling you apart from your holy covenant. Because remember over time, patterns become normal to our children. They are forming a quiet understanding of what partnership looks like. They notice who carries the weight, who protects the home, who shows up, who takes initiative. Who's the one that apologizes all the time? Who withdraws? Who prioritizes the marriage, who truly loves the marriage? And that doesn't just go for you guys as a couple. It goes for the people around you. They see who loves the marriage. They see who pulls you apart. They see if you're building a legacy together. And without anyone explaining it, our children's minds begin building a model. This is how two people share life together. Oh, this is how two people share life together. This is how it's done. If there's no affection, poor communication, right? No priority. Just shoving off feelings, people's concerns, pain. There's pain in the marriage. They will bring that into their own marriage. But if there's a biblical marriage, right, connection, love, deep communication, work, effort, nourishing, nurturing your relationship, your marriage, they will bring that into their marriage. And here's what's important to understand. And remember, remember, we need to understand that this doesn't stop in childhood, right? It doesn't stop in childhood. When children grow up, when they enter relationships, when they become parents themselves, those patterns, positive or negative, it will activate again. It will activate again. How to regulate emotions, how to stay connected during hard moments, how to handle pressure, all of it. It's in their body and it's going to come out. It's going to be either repeated, right? It's going to be repeated. So you got to ask yourself, do I have some chains to break here? Right? We got to have those honest questions because cycles, they won't just disappear, right? They are either passed down or intentionally broken. I know that we can agree on this. The wise move is to break the chains. It doesn't matter if we've been doing this wrong. Okay? We can break the chains starting today. It's never too late if we start now. It's never too late if we start now. Scripture calls us to lead our homes, not just financially, but emotionally. Relationally, spiritually, and from both a biblical and psychological standpoint, the relationship between a mother and father creates the emotional foundation of the home. Hi, baby. I love you guys. Where was I? The relationship between a mother and a father, it creates the emotional foundation of the home. Research shows that children see, children that see, when they see love, respect, and emotional safety, between, be careful, between their parents. They develop stronger confidence, security, and stability in their own relationships. And in themselves growing up. This is so important. I love you, baby. My little ones just walked in. Now they're walking out and they're walking in. I love you. Now this is, this is something especially powerful. Okay? This is especially powerful. Something especially powerful happens when a father loves a mother well. Because for children, their connection to their mother is incredibly deep. I know my children, I can't go anywhere without them. They're like my shadow. Okay? They're like my shadow. I can't even go to the bathroom, have a shower. They're following me everywhere. We are everywhere. Yes, even in the podcast and we are just, we're connected. I'm going body. Yes. So their connection to their mother is incredibly deep. And again, from a developmental and psychological standpoint, children are most emotionally anchored to their primary caregiver and most homes, that's the mother. You know what I'm talking about? She's the one that they co-regulate with, meaning they learn how to feel safe, how to process emotion, how to return to calm through her presence. Right? So when a mother feels emotionally safe and she's taking care of and respected, it directly impacts how safe a child feels in the world. And when a father protects that relationship, everything changes. This shapes the entire atmosphere of the home. Deepens connection, strengthens the bond between the family. It's what anchors the family. So when children see their mother protected, when they see her protected, when they see her valued, spoken to with gentleness, with that kind of gentle love and prioritized, they are not just observing behavior. Their nervous system is learning. They are forming core beliefs like, love is safe, my home is safe, connection can be trusted. And research consistently shows that the way a father treats a mother is one of the strongest predictors of a child's future relational health, emotional security, and self-worth, which means this is not something to just brush off. It's not a small thing. It is one of the most formative influences in their entire life. And that becomes a blueprint they carry forward as they grow. Scripture reflects this order as well. It does, doesn't it? Ephesians chapter five, husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loved the church with sacrifice, right? Drop the ego with protection and with honor, because that kind of love doesn't just strengthen a marriage. It stabilizes a home and it shapes the next generation. And as children grow, those same patterns are activated again in relationships, in marriage, parenting. It's repeated or intentionally transformed, intentionally transformed, right? Because cycles don't just disappear. They are either passed down or broken with awareness. We talk about that all the time. And there is no lesson more powerful for a child than watching their mother be deeply loved and protected. Your home is teaching your child what love feels like before they ever choose it for themselves. And here's the beautiful part. It's, again, it's not, I gotta say it, it's not about being perfect, right? It's, it's the important part, the important part. I'm tripping over my words. It's so late. It is so late. The important part is about becoming intentional. My little one's peeking her head and she wants to, she wants to cuddle, she wants to cuddle and go to sleep and cuddle. Listen, even the small shifts change the emotional climate of a home. Even the little, the little shifts. I'm going to share those with you. I'm coming baby. I'll be right there baby. Mama's just wrapping up. I'm gonna be there in a minute. Okay. I love you. Oh, you know, when you put up your hand and it's the heart and she's got the other heart, they love to do that. They'll put up their little thumb down with their fingers curled over and then you have to match the other side of the heart. Okay, so listen, even, even these little shifts. So repairing quicker, repair quicker, challenge yourself, right? Self-discipline, repair quicker, soften your tone. You don't feel like it. You want to be harsh. Soften the tone. Just soften it anyway. Staying instead of walking away. If you have to, if you have to take a couple minutes, go take a breather, breather, breather, go take a breather and walk back and listen. The way I behaved, that was not what I wanted to do. That's not what I want the children to see. That's not who I want you to see. That's not who I am. Right? Walk away for a couple seconds if you need to, but I mean, the ultimate is staying instead of walking away, right? We're in this marriage. We're in this together. We don't walk away. Choosing each other, right? Choosing each other in the small moments. These are all little shifts and there's so much more, but these are just, these are just a few examples. These, these things strengthen the bond of a relationship more than you realize. You have to be, we, we have to be parents who repair with intention. Parents who take accountability without defensiveness, follow through with consistent change. That's when we say we're going to do something. We do it and we become consistent when we make changes and we become consistent. We don't, don't go back to the old habits or the old person that we used to be, right? We come, we become parents who align our words with our actions and choose connection over ego again and again, all of the above because again, listen, our children don't need that perfect, the perfection, but what they do need is they need consistency, right? They need to see the consistency. They need consistency. They need safety and repair that, that brings them back to connection. They need these examples. They need it later in life. They need to see you guys doing that. It's so important. That is so important, right? The most important thing is to see your parents love each other, to put each other first. There's no greater feeling. There's no greater feeling. So if you want to take a moment, grab your journals and we asked ourselves a lot of questions. We can even go back and write these things down. Sure. You're going to have some, I'm sure after the podcast, things come up that are relatable to you, things that, that just kind of spark up, write them down, always write them down. But just for a moment, take your book and let's talk about, let's ask ourselves these questions. What did I learn about love growing up? This is powerful. No, don't judge, just write it down. And we can compare with our spouse later after we're done. It tells, it gives us so many clues for our relationship. How are disagreements handled in my home? Right? I know a lot of people say, my parents never fought. That's not necessarily a good thing. Right? A lot of people, the disciples disagree. They're at, every relationship has disagreements. So was it swept out under the rug? Was it not talked about? Were you not allowed to talk about certain things? These are great questions. How are disagreements handled in my home? These are clues. It's treasure. This is treasure. How do I want to repair this? Or break it? Oh, sorry. Not repair. I can't read my writing here. Okay. So the last question was how are disagreements handled in my home? Right? So the next question, do I want to repeat this? Honest question. Yes or no. Do I want to repeat this? Or break this starting today? I want to break it. Do I want to break the chain? I don't want to, I don't want to handle disagreements like this anymore. I want to do it this other way. I want to do it a different way. What am I modeling in my home right now? Great question. What am I modeling in my home right now? What do I want my children to feel when they think of home? Whether you want to think about it or not, your children are going to be having conversations with people you haven't even met yet. They're going to be having discussions and conversations about how their mother was treated, about the conversations their parents had, about the disagreements their parents had, how they were handled. They're going to discuss everything. Before you reach for that coffee, consider this. What if the energy boost you're looking for isn't in your cup but in your cells? I challenge you to swap your morning coffee for Sheila Jeet by Symbiotica. Here's what can happen. No crash, no jitters, just clean, sustained energy plus mental clarity and trace minerals that our bodies actually need, that are actually starving for, to be honest. This isn't just a supplement. It's an ancient adaptogen sourced from the Himalayas that supports myocondrial function, stamina and overall vitality. Your coffee never did that. Okay, let's just be honest. Try it for a week and tell me your body doesn't thank you. Symbiotica's Sheila Jeet is next level wellness and honestly, you may never go back to drinking coffee. Click the link below down in the bio and get your Sheila Jeet today. Another great question. What would change if repair became normal in our home? If it is normal, fantastic. You're on the right track and if not, what would change if repair became normal in our home? So let it all come out. No pressure, just being aware, just sharing what comes to your mind when we ask ourselves these questions and compare them with your spouse. You're going to learn a lot. Now let's come together in prayer over this conversation. It's really powerful. It's a really powerful one today. It's powerful for ourselves, for our marriage and especially for our children and their future relationships, their future marriages, their future children. Let's come together in prayer. Heavenly Father, thank you for the gift of our family and for the sacred responsibility of what we are building inside of our homes. Help us become more aware of what we are modeling each day, not just on our words, but in our tone, our actions, our presence. Give us the humility to repair when we fall short, the wisdom to lead with love and discernment and grace to keep growing together. Break any patterns that were passed down to us that do not reflect your design and replace them with peace, with emotional safety and unity, and with a love that feels steady and secure. Lord, give us bold courage to protect our marriage, to honor our covenant, to choose each other daily and to guard what you have entrusted to us because our children are watching our little blessings are watching and they are learning and they are building their understanding of love through what they see in us. Let our marriage reflect something holy, something safe, something strong, a covenant that points back to you. In Jesus' name, amen. I love it. I love coming together in prayer. I'm so grateful for our time here together. I'm grateful for the work that you guys are putting in. And if you're hearing this today and something in your heart is stirring, it's where awareness and change begins. That's the feeling. And it's not too late to shift the atmosphere of your home. It's not too late to model something different. It's not too late to build the kind of marriage your children will one day thank you for. The way you love each other today becomes the way your children will love tomorrow. If this episode spoke to your heart, if it spoke to your heart and if it helped you see your home, your marriage or your role as a parent in a different way, please take a moment to leave a kind review and five golden stars. Make sure you're subscribed. So you don't miss a conversation. It truly helps this message reach other families who are searching for connection, healing and something stronger. Listen, we're building something meaningful here together. And before we close, I want to invite you to something really special. If your family is not already listening to the Entrepreneur Kids Legacy Show with Daniel and Destiny, this is something that your whole family can experience together. They're pouring so much heart into these episodes. They're showing up twice a week to help build this community of strong, faith-filled, confident young leaders, your beautiful children. And they're so, so grateful to be, to be of service, you know, to inspire and share with your children. And if you feel called to help produce a show, you can leave a gift, a little gift at buymeacoffee.com backslashentrepreneurkids. Every single gift helps them to continue creating meaningful content and to reach children and families all around the world. And from our family to yours, a big thank you. Thank you for being here. Again, thank you so much for pouring into your marriages and to your families. Don't forget to share that episode if you feel that someone around you is going through this very journey right now. Share it with them. Listen, peace protects the home and repair protects the heart, right? And the way you lead your marriage today, it builds the legacy your children will carry tomorrow. God bless you. I love you guys. Glory to God always. This is becoming unshakable. Thank you again for joining us and we will see you soon. God bless. Thank you, beautiful friends for listening to this important message from Mama. There is someone you love and care about. Oh, and we'd love to personally invite you to listen to our podcast. It's for young future allidles ready to change the world and be a light in the dark. Listen together as a family. It's called the optional kids legacy show. We know you'll love it. Be bold, be kind, build an unforgettable family legacy. God bless you. We love you. And parents, if no one told you yet, let us be the folks. You're doing a remarkable job. And remember, you are the hero of your story because every legacy begins with a hero. And that hero is you. This podcast is for inspirational and educational purposes only. And it is not intended to replace professional advice, legal advice, diagnosis or treatment. The views expressed are based on personal experience and faith based insight and are meant to encourage reflection and growth. Always seek the guidance of qualified professionals regarding any questions or concerns you may have about your health, relationships or business.