Dulce Sloan: Will You Be My Valentine?

I said to my homeboy that I was incel one day and he was like that's not true I said of course it is I said I am celibate and it is very involuntary these are this is what incel means involuntary celibate yes I would love to be having sex time there's nothing better than having your legs in the air and yet Trevor do you agree can I tell you what's funny is tell me is that your legs in the You made me picture my legs in the air. That's what I hate about what you did to me there. That's what good friends are for. That's what you did to me there. Sure. You made me. Anytime. Because you asked it. My first instinct was to defend myself. But the first thought I had was me with my own legs in the air. Whenever I hear something enjoyable, I think of who could enjoy this more. And my friend comes to mind and I'm thinking, look, there's an opportunity for someone's legs. who would enjoy he's an idiot who would enjoy this stop talking who would enjoy this more so okay so no no no wait and I appreciate that about you you a fool so let's go back your friends are dumbed up this is what now with Trevor Noah Right. Only difference between me and a Dominican is a boat stop. That's it. I could have been Mexican. I could have been Dominican. I could have been from Costa Rica. But instead, we landed here. So, if I go to any of those diaspora places, no one's questioning my existence. But if I go back to the motherland, all of a sudden it's, well, what is she doing here? And I'm like, nigga, planes fly daily. That's why I'm here. If you kept quiet and you came to South Africa, no one would know you're not from there. Probably is me keeping quiet And you know that So you've never been to South Africa Now he's supposed to take me in a row But when What do you mean supposed to I'm saying You said You said to me You know what I love So I'll let you finish your sentence Accuse me Because I may respond in a post Because he always says Like an American black people We don't have a lot of noises we do have one no sir you said oh I want to take you cause talking to me and Roy oh I would love to take you out of South Africa Roy was like mothers bring everybody all of a sudden this nigga done caught amnesia he don't remember telling me let me say something I always remember when a man tells me something he didn't intend on doing that's what I will always remember something a nigga was really gonna do I don't remember that Like what? I don't know, calling me back. I'll always remember. So you'll remember that one? Yeah, because I know it's not going to happen. Guys don't call you back? It's very confusing. You see these titties? I don't know what's going on. Very nice. We rolling? Perfect moment. You see these titties? That's the best place to start a podcast ever. You see these titties? Because I'm sitting here going, why would they not call back? Welcome to the show. You see these titties? Hey, man. Go to church. That's how I got them. There are a few people in this world. I would love to hear the last part of a sentence from then Dulce Sloan no I'm serious when I think about it I go like you know when you just catch the tail end of a conversation or something someone said you will never beat Dulce listen to the end of that sentence you see these titties and now you go what was the beginning of that sentence fill it in in my head I was like can we see more of those titties what do you do when someone says see these titties you're like alright you just fell into a Dulce trap Here's the thing. I will always remember you said to me, I'm the blackest person you know, which is crazy because I'm not the blackest person that I know. So I was like, how am I the blackest? And I was like, oh, you don't know a lot of niggas. That's the difference. You know, black people. You always say that to me. Who are you friends with? No, no, no. You always say that. Wow. You just took shots at Josh. He's not even here. And he deserves it. Wherever Josh Johnson is right now, he's like, oh. Oh. Ah. Wow Dulce I love Josh It's my favorite thing But you know Josh doesn't have any siblings Josh owes you Half of everything Oh cause I braided his hair Yo Dulce made Josh Josh will even attest to that Josh Johnson The way we see him today That's a Dulce makeover I made him Full makeover That's Bob Ross than he is now Yo Josh That was a full Dulce was like She sat him down one day His afro was stressing me out Yeah but it was like a Like yo man there's afros and then there's whatever's happening wait so there was an afro intervention yeah but it was it was african intervention no no this one was it was a black woman intervention because one day he came to work and his afro was smaller and so it was like it looked like he had his hair cut into like an old box like an old school box yeah but he's just been sleeping on different sides of his head so it just turns into what i call a sleep box and so we started giving him a bonnet and all and stuff because like during the emmys one time he came up to our room because when i took my mom the first time we went she was showing him how to shape it up because we were talking about trying to get like different hairstyles he could get i said well your head is too small for cornrows and he was just like oh the shots keep coming i was like i'm just trying to be helpful because like i said he has no sibling so he doesn't have an older sister to terrorize him or to educate tomato potato so one day it was like one christmas like during covid i was like hey come to my house because he didn't go home i didn't go home my home wouldn't go home and so you know the next the day after christmas is the first day of kwanzaa so i made him come back come to my house and said i'm going to wash and deep condition your hair and sometimes i'll kitchen sink whole nine like old school doing your hair and then i braided it up and the whole time i'm just like this motherfucker's got so much more hair than me and the whole time i'm braiding his hair i'm annoyed by it but i just was like i just needed something to moisturize and condition his hair i didn't know it was a style he was going to keep it was beautiful so it was it was like those movies where the person walks, you've known them for years, and then just before the prom, they get a makeover, and they walk through the halls, and Josh Johnson walked down the hall with that one braid falling over his face, and we're like, Josh, is that you? He even got a new bass in his voice. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I didn't realize until one day we were at the cellar, and a bunch of the guys at the cellar were telling him, these are black men, they were famous. no one's more homophobic than a black man and so like it's male like black male comics like your hair looks great and he kept going dulce did it dulce did it now like really like yeah and so when he started getting like compliments from like black men i was like oh this was a great when you knew it was the upgrade and i was like oh he's keeping this has anyone done something like that for you in your life uh who's dulce sloaned your life yeah nobody what do you mean nobody I just Me I do me I'm the Dulce Sloan for me I guess my mom maybe I don't know No but moms don't count Moms don't count What no Don't take that out of context Moms count very much Yes Don't clip that Don't clip that What Do over Yo moms count Do over What I mean is In this conversation We're having now We're saying moms already Are the most amazing thing In the world So we don't count moms In this case Moms can't Dulce Sloan Yeah So we're saying Who's Dulce Sloan you probably you no don't say that because I'm here no I didn't say slow new what are you talking about what I'm saying is that if you're talking about someone who has come in and changed my life it was probably you or Big Kenny who got me into stand up but I didn't do you a favor you did Josh a favor there was no benefit for what you did to Josh there was all the benefit what was the benefit I didn't have to look at that afro he was stressing me and eating it out how long did it last for that new hair what do you mean it's still there it is josh's hair so so he goes to a lady now and gets it washed and braided it is the greatest thing that ever happened oh so he's stuck to it yeah yeah like the style he has so i did it the one yeah the one braid i'm responsible have you seen the tiktok where a girl was like she was trying to get dressed and she realized she was just josh johnson because she had a twist out she had a twist in and she said she was put on this gray hoodie and a braid fell down and she's like when you're getting dressed and realize you're josh johnson that is so funny truly you two have like one of the best dynamics i've ever come across you know when you meet people who it feels like they've known each other their whole lives because how long have you known josh for uh i met josh doing like 2016 yeah you see that's not that's so that's like now but i feel like you two are like siblings i met him a year before like a year maybe a year or two before i started at the show is that because you're both from the south we were doing nackas together what i'm sorry what so nacka so you've never had to do this whole stroll um so nacka it's uh the national association of college activities so basically uh there's all these so they cut the whole united states up into regions yeah and then like comedians musicians those companies that just make like little kitschy shit anybody with a bouncy house will go to you pay to perform in front of them and then you just kind of stand there and just wait for them to pick you it's very much like you were very much a hooker on the stroll so my college agent you had to apply to this and then you you apply to NACA you apply to NACA you pay money to audition and then but here's the thing so Josh broke the record for one of the regions because Josh booked like 70 schools. Wow. So I think I, but I think he booked like, so Josh paid off his student loans performing at colleges. I think I did in the two years I did NACAs, I did 60 schools. So that's why I've almost died in the state of Pennsylvania like four times. Wow. So you would go to these NACAs in different, so there was like the North Reason, the Southern Reason, the Mint, and all of that. And so you do 15 minutes on stage. And then afterwards they had this thing called camps. So you're doing these big convention centers. and then my son my college agent aka the pimp would stand there with a list of all of the schools and then every school that came up to talk to you she would notate and then the kids want to talk so she'd be the bad guy be like oh she's got to talk to more people and so she'd be the bad guy and kick these two and so she would just keep track of every school that came to talk to you and then I got to me in one of the meetings that I wasn't supposed to be in apparently and so they would do something called block bookings and so the longest block booking I ever had was I did 13 schools in 14 days in six different states. 13 schools in 14 days in six different states. Yes. And I was living in LA at the time. And a lot of schools I had were out here. So I, one time I flew out. So I flew out to New York and then my homeboy picked me up to the airport and then we drove to Connecticut and we had a show that night. And then the next day we drove to Maine. And then the next, cause the most you could drive in a day was five hours. And so every day, cause the, the routing was like, well, here's all these states that are really close and so we would wake up drive two to four hours do a show stay in a hotel wake up the next day drive two to five hours do a show and so i did that for four so there was like one night we stayed in two places but it was stuff like that or i did a booking where it was like was seven days and just the state of massachusetts just bouncing around doing schools and so that's what i was doing before i booked the show was performing for these little motherfuckers there's moments where i miss those grinds we've all had them you miss struggling no like did you have fun doing it what sometimes no what do you mean what what why would you say struggling she nearly died yeah no yeah that's because of the snow oh yeah that's different why are you making it's a comedy thing i almost almost die every day i'm a woman in america i'm almost dead 90 percent of the time damn dulce took a death yeah it's just death for death Yeah, but his death was a joke. Yeah, but I mean, yours was real. Yeah, well, you know, sometimes you got to get out of an apartment. You know what I mean? So me and my friend were talking about this. Like men do not realize how much danger women are in on a regular basis. Because one of my friends asked me the other day, he's like, you think you killed somebody? I was like, yeah. He was like, that was fast. And I was like, you've never been a woman. One of the greatest jokes I ever heard was it was just like a small throwaway thing. It was Dave Chappelle on stage. And he was talking about one of the first gigs he ever did in New York that he was getting paid for. And he performed for some, I don't know if they were gangsters or not gangsters. Long story short, they paid him in cash. And they gave him $10,000 in cash. And he was like in one of the boroughs long before New York was like easy in most places. Yeah. And he tells the story of having the cash and he puts it like in his pants. And then he gets on the train and he's riding the train. Why would you get on the train with $10,000? Get a cab. Yeah, but this is – Get a cab. Don't victim blame. And then Dave Chappelle – No, but he says – And that was the punchline of the joke. Obviously, I'm truncating it. But basically, he says everyone was looking at him. He felt like he was in danger. And he's like he's never felt more like a woman in his life. Absolutely. You know what I mean? Absolutely. Every day. So it's just like so – You know, you start carrying a knife. Wait, wait, wait. So wait. Let me ask you a question. So – Because I saw that thing online, and I didn't ask anyone about it when it was happening. Who would you rather be in a forest with A man or a bear You can throw food at a bear You gotta throw pussy at a man You didn't answer the question A bear A bear Yeah Because I know what Because the thing is It's like A bear is not Inherently dangerous Unless it's hungry Okay so let me Let me ask you a question here I'm glad you're here Dulce You're the only person I'll probably ask this to Yeah Because you'll be honest could it be that men struggle with hearing that answer because as men we don't see ourselves as a monolith no men struggle with seeing that answer because men don't want to think they're the bad guy so every so here's the thing women are told to take self defense classes don't dress provocatively don't be a whore okay carry a knife carry pepper spray carry all of these things so you're telling me to do all of these things to make sure that i'm not assaulted or attacked right but then if i get assaulted or attacked you don't believe me but you told me to do all of these things and so if i'm being attacked somebody's doing it but we're never talking about who we're not telling the attackers not to attack we're telling the victim don't get attacked so every man that heard that was just like well i would never but every woman you know has either been sexually harassed or sexually assaulted so we're not doing it to each other so how is it that no man has done it but it has happened to every woman so when men hear that it's well i wouldn't do that because i was talking to kabuka about this one time right and kabuka was like he's like it's crazy he said you don't think that your friend he's like he said your friend is talking to all the women come to find out he's raping everybody nobody knew that was a good impression of thank you he's like he's doing the thing so you see what i'm saying yeah the thing he's doing the thing and you don't know he's doing a thing he's at the bar he's talking to the ladies you don't know he's waving everybody you see what i'm saying right so it's like no man wants to think their friend is like that no man who's there's men that have assaulted people like well i didn't do anything wrong so if you as a man think that a woman would rather be with a wild animal in the forest than you because here's my thing i think all the men that got upset by that there's always a saying that i would hear growing up a kicked dog will holler if i didn't kick you you're fine but if you felt like you got kicked then you are somebody who has been harassing terrorizing women point blank because if i wasn't talking to you you wouldn't have gotten upset and the same reason why people go well i'm not racist and i was like i wasn't even talking to you but anytime somebody pops up i can't believe that women would feel this way yes i said i would rather be in the forest with a wild animal because here's the thing bears aren't inherently going they don't want to be bothered by humans in the first book right yeah right that's the thing that's their default the default is person then but if they need something it's just like well i'm kind of hungry i wonder if this human got snacks this human smell like snacks which is why i don't wear any food scented fragrances i don't want to trick nobody i'm a floral bitch right i hear your logic but but you see what i'm saying no i hear i hear what you're saying but the kick dog hollering thing the reason i don't think it necessarily applies is because you we are speaking to everyone but why is that i'm saying no so this is so this is what i mean so let's let's let's let's let's move it to another category right let's for instance let's say somebody says i don't like white people because white people are racist yes right there's a lot of white people who would respond to that going well you why would you say that i'm not racist right because they're not racist right and some who are racist would respond as well i'm not saying they wouldn't respond right but if you if you speak to a collective you shouldn't be shocked when some from the collective respond to you i'm not shocked but when i'm saying it there's a there's a level of going oh why would you say that i'm not racist but what that sentence is also acknowledging is that yes, I'm talking to white people, but if you're not racist, I wasn't talking to you. So you see what I'm saying? So it's like, well, white people are racist. I get what you're saying. You want to defend yourself. So in the same reason, well, you know, black people are criminals. I don't crime. So you wouldn't respond to that? No, because you're not talking to me because I'm not a criminal. Also, no, I know this is a blanket. Yes, it is a blanket statement. Yeah. But you also have to remember, this is pure hyperbole. Somebody said, would a woman rather be in the forest Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm with you. with a person or a bear and you started a TED Talk about why. If you saw that and you went, first of all, stop typing. Right, right. Stop typing. This is already goofy. That's saying, would you rather be in the ocean with an octopus or a shark? I'm at the beach. It doesn't matter. Right. I know one of them might inherit. Because that's the thing. There's no inherent danger in a shark. But you know what? You know what I think it is? I think it reveals something about us as people in general. And that thing is, I love that you said hyperbole, right? Oftentimes any statement of protest provocation, any, any statement that's, that's meant to elicit something from people is often blunt and provocative. Right. Right. Like that's not the place for like nuance in a way. That's why text messaging needs fonts. Yeah. So you go, you just say the thing. So I remember, for instance, when Black Lives Matter first came out, like Black Lives Matter. And then the first thing a lot of people said was like, why only black lives? Why are you saying black lives? What about the other lives? And then black people went, no, that's not the point. The point, we're not saying that because no other lives matter. And then it became this whole, do you know what I mean? It's like a game of semantics now where you're actually arguing. But it's interesting when you say that because I go like, oh, that's an insight that I don't think I've thought of until you said it that way about hyperbole, that any group that is saying something, whether it's two people, a nation, ethnicity, gender, religion, or whatever it is, the people who are not in that group that are speaking can think completely differently and it's not about them in a way. Does that make sense? Yeah. Because I think there's a lot of black people. If somebody said, let's say a white person came out and they were like, I'm not safe around black people because black people are criminals. there's no hook that they would be let off you with me 100 because like there's no hook that they would be let off there's none none none and they can't be like no no don't respond if you if you're not a criminal then why why are you offended then you're like hey you didn't say you have a problem with criminals you said black people are criminals right and so and so then if they said if they said no no no but if you're black and you're not a criminal you shouldn't be offended people would go no hell no you're not the a you're still on that hook right but here's but here's the difference it's one is ridiculous one is not right so bear versus human man yeah same thing on tiktok it was uh they were talking about like who would win a hundred americans or a hundred british people hundred british people i thought you're talking about the gorilla the one i was just a gorilla first is but see this the wind sweep back up then the gorilla thing it un it makes sense to me why men were upset was like well she would rather be in the with a bear so it was bear versus human yeah like women pick bear yes and a bunch of men said hey one gorilla versus a hundred men yeah and a bunch of men were like yes we could do this and you're just like have you ever have you ever watched pbs the strength of a gorilla you know how you can squeeze the orange and get juice a gorilla can do that with an apple a human man can't squeeze the apple and get juice out but a gorilla all day boom there's a hundred of us right but there's a hundred of us i understand that there's a hundred of us right and so this isn't movie rules yeah but I'm saying there's a hundred of us. I get it. You can pile on them. I get it. Yeah. But at least 20 y'all are dead. Yeah, but 80 have won. I'm not saying 81. And I'm not saying that. Here's the thing. Are you saying a gorilla would beat 100 men? I'm saying. This is going to be the most controversial podcast we've ever put out. From the jump. Which men are you sending? No, but that girl. Are you sending your best men? Are you sending your best gorilla? Absinthe fucking lutely. Then Absinthe fucking lutely. But we wouldn't ask what man are you going to be stuck with in the forest instead of a bear? Ah, touche. No, any man's a problem. Any man's a problem. Listen, are we going to send a tiny man? You send me a tiny man? Peter Dinklage in this bitch. Yeah, send Peter Dinklage. I might have him. But if he catch me in the shins, it's over. You see what I'm saying? Like, I don't know his moves. I don't know he got a weapon on him. You just sent one man. I don't know what's on him. Okay, maybe I should ask. A bear? grizzly or black bear let's start there first and what kind of man would you choose to be not to be stuck with in the forest here's the thing and I'll tell you why I'm asking you this I exist in I exist in a body where a lot of men aren't paying attention to me anyway hmm that's crazy man got foley your boys over here doing something Did you call it Foley? Yeah. That is one of the deepest cuts. That's amazing. Most people would say sound effects. That's when you know someone's in the movie industry. She said she called it Foley. Foley artist. Oh, yeah. No, no. Eugene's got hella Foley. Outside. Crazy. Man, nuts. He's thirsty. I don't. Here's the thing. I thought it was such a silly question. Yeah. That I didn't really think about it. Like, yeah. So, like, I started a newsletter because you have to always constantly be talking. people and I put like a silly thought at the end of it and the one I put in it this week was is an acai bowl fruit soup so that's the level so when I saw that bear man versus bear thing or a hundred men versus a gorilla wait wait wait don't just move on that's is an acai bowl just fruit soup right what makes a super soup is it a fruit stew you see what i'm saying so it's it's silly shit like that so or like i used to tell one of my friends that i think a doctor is a body mechanic i think that's correct right so just goofy shit like it's just a dumb like it's just a silly thing i think of so like is a doctor a body mechanic is that fruit soup uh they don't put you know there's numbers in math but there are no there's letters in math but there's no numbers and words had a full-blown argument with my brother for 20 minutes about this until my mom was like just say there's no numbers and words damn but yeah there's numbers how long has your brain been like this i don't have a husband or children to take up space so i think to think about goofy shit you think your brain would stop if you had them around i think i would have other things to think about other than acai bowls fruit soup when was the first time you noticed that your brain wasn't working like most people's brains were working because you're an interesting combination of things you are you have like the what i call the like the leaky brain of a comedian but then you also are like one of the most genius people i know when it comes to like learning retaining information uh expanding on that information i mean even in school you were in i was in gifted class yeah you were in like all the gifted classes you were the you were solving the puzzles yeah it's like it's which is so funny because physics never clicked for me but i think that the thing that always bothered me about physics was it was like they wanted us to calculate the like you had to learn about vectors and they're like okay so i'm just throwing this ball off a cliff and calculate i remember going to class going but he can't get the ball back so why am i doing this that's where your brain went i went to my teacher i said excuse me why are we calculating this he can't get the ball back my teacher went what i said what if he threw the ball off the cliff he ain't going to get it so why do i need to know how fast it took to get down what was the acceleration of the shit he's it's gone forever why do i need to know this information so i need things that make that's why like geometry made sense for me uh chemistry made sense for me because there was too much as much as i was a theater kid i could suspend a disbelief yeah yeah okay some stuff is this is busy work this is real middle management bullshit you're not trying to get i'm not getting it i'm never there's a difference between i'm never going to use this and this man needs a job i didn't like being participating and just keeping some white man employed i did not like that because i need i need certain things to make sense even if they're ridiculous i love science fiction but sometimes it has to be like that's why every joke they're like well every joke has a bit of truth to it some of it doesn't some of it's just purely some of it is purely funny something just it's just words put together that makes a person laugh is a I say a bull fruit soup. Goofy shit. Like, that I understand. But it's like, I think the first time I was like, I remember never believing in Santa Claus because the logistics didn't make sense. That was your big gripe as a child. Like, not even from the beginning. There was no point where you believed in it. They explained it to you once and you immediately went. What part of the logistics didn't make sense? One, I knew my mom wasn't going to let some random man in our house. Okay. That was first. Two, I know some random man. But you don't have to let him in the house. That's the first thing. Well, I knew like when we first like the first place we didn't have a chimney and I was like, well, are we out? That's true. I thought that in South Africa because we basically no one had chimneys essentially. And then when we live somewhere with the chimney, I was like, this definitely isn't going to work. Also, my mother never told us he was real, but my mother never told us he wasn't real. Wait, how did you account for the magic, though? Because remember, there's magic as well. Right. Santa Claus makes sense because of the magic. The logistics bugged me. Yeah, but the magic, the magic covers the logistics. It's like you got to think of Santa Claus. Like, OK, think of Amazon. Right. Let's say we told somebody about Amazon 2,000 years ago. They would go, this doesn't make sense. No, they wouldn't. What do you mean in one day something can get to you? From where? And you'd be like, yeah, so I think of something that I would like or need. And then a day later, it is here. And they would say to you, so you can just dream of Odysseus' brush and it shall appear. And you're like, yes, it will appear. but home delivery all but we were but things were getting delivered to homes forever so even in rome somebody was like hey i bought some bread oh boy from the bakery is bringing bread you know when the shadow hits this part yeah so then santa claus is home delivery but i think it never made sense to me because nobody was because everybody was depending on the fact that i was a child and they're just like oh you can tell kids okay okay okay okay so you didn't like that well it was like once you start asking questions and you realize they have no answers that's what gets that's when i'm just like well what the i was like well how's he get here on a slave with reindeer fine i can accept the magic of that yeah right but i'm just like well how what kids did he know to come to because i was sitting there going i was like well not every kid is a christian so i'm like there's whole countries he ain't got to go to in so that gives him more time because not every country got christians going to india right there's christians in india right he's going to 17 christians in india going on about his business i don't know the logistics that are information behind that but i'm like okay he's not going to the whole world because there's not christians that live everywhere fine and then the what the news in georgia they would have you ever seen in america they would do the standard tracker so they would be like oh yeah And then they'd show you where he is in the world right now. Right. And I'm like, yeah. On Christmas Eve, they would have the Santa track. Yeah, and you could see where he is. And they'd be like, oh, he's crossing over Iowa right now. Right. And I'm like, why do you know? Kids would have to go to bed. Yeah, you have to go to bed. It's like they just knew where he was because it was, I guess, midnight day or something. That's where Santa was now. But he was never. But you would never be like, it wasn't like, he's in Georgia. Go to sleep. You're like, you're not going to bed. It's like, oh, he's over. Like, oh, he's flying over Kenya. He's going to be in America soon And you're like alright maybe But we need you to go to sleep So But as soon as you go to sleep Distrustingly Okay maybe Alright Why did you go to sleep Sure Why did you go Why did you go to sleep Without a distrust Because like Okay wait wait wait But sort of to Eugene's point is like Did you I'm trying to understand young Dulce That's what I'm trying to understand So I see like I see this little girl Who is very logical Wants things to make sense but like what part of your imagination did you go crazy were there things that you did believe in or did think about that you know you know what i mean weren't logical in that way well like i remember like finding out about like imaginary friends and i was like oh i should get one of those but then i kept forgetting about it because i'd give myself one and be like oh fuck i had an imaginary friend oops you basically like these are like tamagotchis that you're killing who say forgot to water her imaginary friend right there's a pixar you know there's a pixar movie in this somewhere a kid who keeps forgetting their imaginary friend yeah and then the imaginary friends are like dying because they aren't remembered because you if you if you're not imagined you can't live right but if you was better if you were a better imaginary friend yes you might not have gotten forgotten wow you're blaming the imaginary friend for not being imagined but i'm also six so it's like how much how can i maintain like you know if you watch like dw for arthur she's had an imaginary friend for at least 15 years nadine is doing a lot of work i on the other hand had human friends so i would also have cousins and stuff so i had people taking up my time i had a little brother i didn't have time for an imaginary friend i had a little brother i had to keep a lot when you don't have siblings an imaginary friend eyes what you So how many of these imaginary friends did you have And let go I don't know I had one for like 30 minutes It just seemed like too much work for me I love that you imagined somebody Who was annoying That's a special way To see the world Is that you get to make up your own person And you make them annoying You're like man get the hell out of here This is too much How much I got to play with you Why couldn't you imagine a person who was self sufficient and just chill. Because it's like there's still no one here. It's like every time I think about like like it's the idea of me wanting to get married. The idea of my husband is an imaginary fucking friend. Yes. Like every damn just like I hope he's like please God. I've been losing eggs. You want to get married. Absolutely. What do you like about the idea of getting married? I want to make people and I don't want to do it by myself. Okay. Okay. Yes. So that's like I'm egged. So you don't I like this. So you don't want to get married. You just want to make people and you don't want to do it by yourself. I absolutely want to get married but it's also I think Western culture has sold us so much of the love of a thing. Oh, my God. Now I sound like a buka. But it makes sense for a long time that marriage was a contract between people. Yeah. And then we made it a love thing, right? And so now we've kind of lost the idea of this is two people. Because one thing, the emotions can fall out of a thing. So it's like we're not doing the work anymore. Right, right. So it's like as much as a friendship is work as opposed to any relationship with a person is work. It's like, for instance, I had a friend breakup last week. Right. As opposed to I can't be friends with this person. The real friend. Mm hmm. And so because of just things going on in our friendship that I was like, this isn't working for me. Right. And it was. But you we don't talk about friend breakups as much as we talk about relationship breakups. Yeah. Because a friend breakup is like this was never supposed to happen. It was supposed to be here forever. Which also doesn't make any sense. so like i one i've always wanted like the last time i had a boyfriend was i was 30 i'm 42 and so 12 years yeah but last boyfriend i cheated on me and so but then like i started so like around so i was like 30 but around like 33 i started being on the road like full time and then i moved here and then i was so it was just like it was things and then that's when i found out oh men don't like it when you're gone all the time you're on the road because my homeboy said to me one day he was like listen he said you might not have had a boyfriend but you weren't alone and i was like well that's true there was some negro wasting my time or white don't worry um somebody would pop up a gentleman you talked to for a little bit is right but it's i want to be i want to be in a long-term relationship right and one of my friends i was talking to her about that and she said she asked me she's like do you think you're ready to be a wife damn no one asked you that question no one ever asked you that question but no one asked men if they're ready to be a husband no one asked anybody if they're ready to do these things you just think you fall in love and you find somebody and you don't think about the fact whether you're ready and i but one of the issues that i've had is that i have been asked repeatedly and i don't know if what and i was talking about one of my friends about this last night i don't know if this is something we just do to black women are all women but because i am in the position that i am in right and because i have the career that i have it's sometimes frustrating for me right because it's like i have an emmy at my house they can count all the people that have emmys you can't really count all the people that are married right yeah so i am doing well at a very hard thing yes but i'm failing at something people do every day and so that in my brain is where my disc is where i get upset because i can't i can't shake the feeling that i'm failing but also it's like i had to think i was like are there is there anything that i want in my life that i couldn't get on my own and this is the only thing that i truly want that i have to be like need someone else i need someone else and then i was like well that's not true because i was doing like doing stand-up and i'm acting but like you have to get agents you have to get a manager someone has to see you and go i want to help so it's like and especially as comics because this doesn't happen with actors as comics some of your first opportunities as a comedian is someone going hey you're funny come do a thing hey come you're funny come get on this show come do this and i don't think and so it's funny for like as as lonely quote unquote as much as like comedy is like you're doing a lot of work on your own you're all your opportunities come from other people especially when you first start out and so it's like oh so i need the opportunity to be like please sir make me a mother because because then there's also the thing is that people go why don't you do it on your own i was like i don't want to be a statistic that's why and i watched my mother do this on her own it didn't seem like it was fucking fun and so now it was just like because i'm either being i'm either trying oh i can do it on my own or or i can be with a man who is not who cannot pay the bills in my house so pause there but hold on wait wait don't don't i'll tell you why wait pause because i don't want us to lose the beginning part which i think is really insightful and important and then we're going to go through it so don't we'll we'll put a pin in that part oh i know bills listen you know breakdown yeah i'll pay the bills so because you have to remember most people get divorced in america because of finances not because somebody cheated not because somebody fell out of love most people in america get divorced because of finances that's the number one reason i'm ever people get divorced so i'll go backwards one of the first things you said when when talking about this was about getting married and you said it's something that you have to do with somebody else it's something that you have i think you've tapped into something that a lot of people are experiencing across the board but i i love that you brought it up the way you did because i do feel like the weight is felt differently between men and women absolutely right but men are definitely feeling it just at a way less male loneliness no no no no no no no on a way like way less level but it is let me tell you something you say goofy goofy is what starts militias and oh no no no no crazy armies listen i said to my homeboy that i was in cell one day and he was like that's not true I said of course it is I said I am celibate And it is very involuntary These are This is what incel means Involuntary celibate Yes I would love to be having sex time There's nothing better Than having your legs in the air And yet Trevor do you agree? Get up Can I tell you what's funny? Tell me Having your legs in the air Is that you make me You make me picture My legs in the air That's what I hate about What you did to me there That's what good friends are for That's what you did to me there Sure And you made me Anytime Because you asked it My first instinct My first instinct Was to defend myself But the first thought I had The first thought I had Was me with my own legs in the air Whenever I hear something enjoyable I think of Who could enjoy this more And My friend comes to mind And I'm thinking Look There's an opportunity For someone's legs Who would enjoy You're an idiot Who would enjoy this Stop talking Who would enjoy this more So Okay so No no no wait I appreciate that about you you're a fool so let's go back your friends are dumbed up so let's go back let's go back bro so also that is also the uh biggest form of respect from an american black person that they run away because of something you said so just know you did well today so there was no bet they go if you go if you go back to what you said like um you you long for a time when it wasn't about love i actually think that's probably one of the biggest things we're grappling with now in society. And we didn't understand it as a second system effect. Right. We, in the same way that people didn't understand what would happen when the globe became connected via trade, there were many things that would improve. Oh, money's going to cross borders. People will become wealthy. But then it's like, oh, poverty's also going to speed up. And white people who are spread illness. Mm-hmm. Okay. But like... Second families. Yeah. No, but all of these things. These are second system. Yes, disease. These are second system effects. My uncle did have two families. There you go. So. In the same city. It was crazy. So now we got a pin in that as well. Please remember this. He paid two bills. Pin, pin, pin, pin, pin. I don't know about all that. These are all pins. He's dead now, so it's fine. But I think that's what we haven't fully grappled with, right? Is the curse of choice is that it increases the amount of time that you need to choose. I don't think there's any human being out there Who is not trying to find the perfect person for them But that's The problem It's the perfect person But listen to what I'm saying It is a lot easier to assume that you have made the perfect choice Once you've exhausted your choices So when we grew up in a village Where there were 20 people In our age range At some point you assumed That you had made the best choice Because you had exhausted your choices You went, okay, number 17 The hottest person around, yeah Or the one for me, the personality and heart, the combination. But you were done. Then you made it a town. Then you made it a city. Then you made it a country. Now you've made it infinite, literally infinite. Dating apps, social media, et cetera. We talked about this with Esther Perel on the podcast, but the fact that people have a constant deluge of other human beings being put into their head, and the option of them, by the way. Because remember, you'd walk in the streets before and you didn't know whether people were or weren't single. So it's not necessarily the same thing. But a dating app is an infinite scroll. You know for a fact. No, you don't. No, no, no. That's funny. I know what you're saying. But I'm saying still it is advertised as they're single. Here's an app. It's what they're selling. It is advertised. It is advertised. Now, I think we haven't fully grappled with the price that society has paid for that infinite choice. to your point because i'll tell you now people think they have better choices than they do they think they have more options than they have yeah so for instance i got off of date naps because i was tired of my phone hurting my feelings oh so every time i would log in i'd be like man city doesn't want to fuck me that's crazy and then i put my phone down do you were you at the daily show when we did no you weren't uh we did a piece on this early on in the in the daily show when i was when i was hosting was um we did a thing on how and we actually had one of the guys funny enough who released a study they showed that black women and asian men have the worst results on dating like terrible oh yeah terrible terrible terrible terrible that's why i used to do a bit about the fact that uh because i think i like i sometimes do it and sometimes don't i said we should come up with our own app and call it black and yellow and so you know what it is and make the just the smartest basketball players the world has ever seen you see what i'm saying like well we should just date each other right because if because we get the worst we truly do black black women so like for instance my friend was like somebody get on match i was living here i got a match match cost money right and so i was watching people pick every single ethnicity but black women like really pacific islander you don't know no fucking pacific islander when are you gonna meet this bitch you're telling me that you would rather meet moana than me get the fuck out of here you are not gonna meet her bro moana's never home though she uh she's on a See, she's out here with Grandma being a manta ray. So if I'm looking on one of my friends, same thing. Or people are like, oh, just get on Raya. Just get on Raya. Stop talking to me. I was on Raya. Right? I was on Raya. Saw you on Raya. And tried to take a screenshot. And Raya goes, hey. Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. Oh, because somebody doesn't have another phone. Don't do that. Listen. Yeah, but Raya was just trying to stop the people who weren't thinking far enough in advance. Right. They're just trying to stop impulse people. Don't do that. Don't do that. Hey. So then my homegirl took a picture of my phone and I texted you and I was like, ah, you're outside. So, so you hurt your wrist. Duse is so unruly. We're going to continue this conversation right after this short break. In the same way, there was like an industrial revolution. I think we're now entering into a new phase of sort of like a relationship revolution. And what I mean by that is we are still grappling with the effects that we don't know are going to start to affect the changes that we've made in society. Right. Right. So if you look back, as you said, to a time when marriages weren't about love, a lot of the people who were in that time did not like it. Yeah. Because the thing they said was, I hated that I didn't have a choice. Right. I hated that I couldn't choose who I was going to be with. you would listen to grandparents you'd go now don't get confused i wanted to be i wanted to be i don't want that time either no no no i'm not saying i wanted to be a combo no no i'm not saying you do i'm just saying people would say you know you talk to your grandparents and they go do you love my grandfather and they'd be like i never loved that man but i mean yeah yeah we just had to do a thing we had to do a thing right and then and then you move forward a generation you move forward another generation. And I find it interesting. And it's really poignant that you brought it up that now we're searching for the opposite. It's like before the people had ultimate certainty. And so all they yearned for was a little bit of opportunity for something, you know, to pop up, just something that wasn't predictable. Yeah. Don't define my path for me. And then now it almost feels like we've gone so far down the world. You have choice, whatever choice you want that now people yearn for the certainty i wish i knew i wish i could get with somebody i wish i knew when i i've had more conversations with friends in every walk of life women who are going i'm freezing my eggs but like in a way now it's becoming just ubiquitous oh yeah your insurance better be right because that shit cost me 35 000 i end up with two eggs but what i'm saying is there's no but this is a real conversation it's like eggs is like but it's The thing is, you know, for the first time in history, there's more women in their 40s than women that are teenagers in their 20s. For the first time in history, there are women who are financially stable having kids. Now, that's yes. That's the point. So now this is this is what I'm trying to get to. I want to go to something you said. And I know some things you say is a joke. Some things you say being real. So I actually want to get to it. You never know. That's what I was about to say. No, but like. And I knew you. Which one? When you said, because I don't want to be with a man who doesn't pay the bills. This is like what I mean about that. Not doesn't, can't. Can't, fine. Can't pay the bills. That's fine. Can't. That's fine. Can't. Calm down. Can't. Can't. He loves trying to get an American accent right. Well, I have a Southern accent. We're good to go. We're good to go. So. I don't know why that was the first reaction. so that's what the pilot said um so so if we know so if we if we look let's let's break the time you go like i don't want to be with a man who can't pay the bills let's start with this the the wise entry like why do you say that because he will you will end up with your enemy in your own bed because you have to think about this men have been told and this is not to the benefit of men or society at all right so men are told that they have to operate in a certain way by other men the confines of society because we're like i'm not even talking about toxic masculinity i'm talking about what a man is supposed to be doing he's supposed to be providing he's supposed to be taking he's supposed to be doing these things right if he cannot do these things he is either going to find fault in himself yeah or fault in you so if my mortgage is x amount of money right And you cannot pay this mortgage. You're either going to find fault in yourself or find fault in me. And usually, speaking to my friends who have been through this and women who have been through this, they find fault in you. And so now you're dealing with someone who resents you because people are like, well, what if he's a nice guy? I've dealt with men who weren't as successful as me. and it always ends up with them being hurtful towards me because they resent me for the fact that they can't do the thing that society's told them they're supposed to be doing right in the same way they're just like it's you talk about white privilege and there are white people that get upset because they're like well i grew up poor i didn't have white privilege yeah but they don't understand the full scope of what white privilege is because all they knew is is they grew up poor so I can't have a privilege of being white because my white experience is that I grew up poor you can't tell them but you can inherently fix this thing which is my boot the bootstrapping if makes sense for them right in the same way that I know that also when I have children want to be able to take time off of work I'm not going to let love make me homeless so if I'm not working Someone has to pay the mortgage. Someone has to, if I at least have savings, fine, I can pay half the mortgage, but I'm not working. Someone has to keep us indoors. Right. So if I'm dealing with somebody who can't keep the lights on in here, then I have another dependent in my house. Then I can't do the things that I need to do as a mother. I can't do the things I need to do as a person. I can't do the things I need to do as an adult because there's a fucking man in my house who cannot pay my light bill. he cannot pay half the mortgage he cannot do the trade he can't do so what is he here for because i already have people in my mother's retired my mother's got a job for fun so just like i have people in my house that i'm already taking care of i need a partner i don't need another dependent because if that's the case i'm putting you on my taxes bro give me your social because here's the thing there's not an i have never made a dick that i've never met a dick that would make me send my mother to work you see i'm saying my mother works because she wants to she has to welcome to my life what is i remember the number of times some random girl would be like oh my god i can't how can you trevor's so handsome how can you work i said first of all he's my boss first of all so i don't see him like that where were you when these conversations were happening at the stand, at the cellar, there's always some girl that's like, oh my God, do you have Trevor's number? No, we're getting distracted though. No, we get distracted because I want to be distracted because I have to make sure I don't cry on your podcast. So my brain just needs to kick somewhere else and then we have to come back. And so, but I'm being told repeatedly, it's, well, what if he has potential? And I was like, I want to know if other groups of women are being asked to go, well, what if this man has potential? Because one, it's the only men I've ever seen worried about gold diggers are the men that don't have gold. I have never manned a man. Onto my new American phrase. God damn! Well, we're good to go. That's a combo. Somebody watch BET yesterday? oh man goddamn so because you have to think about it i'll tell you what yeah but you're telling men they have to provide right you know you know there is something that i think it's painful because it's true but in the same way the sugar lobbies got us to hate fat and tricked us into not focusing on what was actually happening in food i do find it really sad that we talk about relationships and most of the things that we're bringing up about relationships have nothing to do with the dynamics of a relationship. They have to do with the dynamics of late-stage capitalism. Yes. You know, because everything you said is true. Yes. But everything you said isn't really supposed to be the real, real, real crux of a relationship, you know? Right. Can you pay the bill? When I'm a mother, I don't want to be homeless because that's a very true and real thing. Because I have to keep my children inside. Right. I have to be able to take care of my children. But that's why when you go to Scandinavian countries, for instance, they don't really have that issue. And I know there they have, I'm not saying it's like a perfect place, but you realize that the issue is minimized because there's a certain contract that people have with the state where the state goes, no. If you're a mom, if you're a parent, in fact, man or woman, you'll get a certain amount of paid leave. Your child will be able to go to school. Your health care is not dependent on whether or not you have a job because the state has an interest in keeping you healthy. Right. But you have to remember that the reason we do not have universal health care is because of racism. If you look at a lot of the practices of the state of Mississippi, right, a lot of things that they do is to oppress black people. The problem is white people also live in that state. so if you don't want to have universal health care in a country because you don't want black people how are you punishing 87 of the people for something that because you want 13 also i've never believed that was really part of the population but we won't answer the census so you don't want 13 of your population to have something right so you won't give it to the other 87% of your population. Tipping. It comes from, there's a racist history of tipping because you weren't paying black people correctly. When we started getting like, it's a whole thing when we started working on railroads and stuff like that, it was even paying a livable wage, they started tipping them. That's why servers to this day do not get a livable wage because you can survive on tips. Right? And so, this is a thing that's still hurting people today, but because of a racist start of it, and then we lose the history of things. And so, But the problem is, is that if I let love carry me in certain places, I would be divorced from a broke man if I let love dictate. And if I let – because I'm already – we know I make bad decisions. Let me ask you a question, though, before you move on from there. if i mean by the you know last reported wherever numbers if they say 50 of all marriages end in divorce anyways then doesn't it mean that even if you get into a marriage and not you but as a person there's a 50 chance that you're already getting divorced regardless of what the other person's income is or isn't and like even brokenness people can become broke you know like people can come in with money and then end up broke people can do you think i make the same amount of money I did when I worked at Daily Show? I'm assuming not because I don't. Listen. So, listen, I got to start paying attention in the store now. It's crazy. Oh my God. I had to look at the price of something. Oh, I was so mad. Whenever I think of conversations about relationships and I think relationships only, permanent ones, long-term ones, only make sense based on a stage of life that you're at. Right. So, for example, I've told you this story before. My daughter's turning 17 now And we've been together alone Since she was 5 turning 6 Right now my brain is going I would love to have someone around Because I've had her And I didn't feel like there was room for someone else But now I feel like If I had made that decision 10 years ago I would have had to accommodate both of them in my life And some of the things that I wanted to do In the last 11 years that I got to do anyway But right now I'm thinking about it differently Because I would want someone More than anything To tolerate me Right and so but so I'm having to ask someone to So you have to also look at the dynamics of things right Yeah I remember being at a show and I was talking to a comic I was talking to Nick Guetta about Wait before you go into the story Yeah I want to respond to something because I don't want to forget it And I think it's important for you to hear this Right I have heard from many women who do have the same story In fact you go like I wonder if it's just me or women like me I remember speaking to a woman This was in Sweden And she was a very wealthy businesswoman and has done a phenomenal job and helps people start businesses. I mean, by all metrics, great kids, living the life, you name it, you name it. And the biggest thing that plagued her was she said, I feel like my life is a failure And I said why And she said well I never got remarried and now I can find a man And I said what do you mean can find a man Just elaborate on that And she said well if I meet some of the men I meet we get along well with but they also in a high powered position and they're not flexible and I'm not flexible because they can't leave what they do and I can't leave what I do. And so it just ends up fizzling. And then I said, okay, but what about men who aren't successful and she said i'll be honest with you i'm not attracted to them i'm not i just can't be with a man who's not like doing something and not you know what i mean yes and and so no just i just want you to know that like not not to shift anything or to shape but you asked a question and i don't have the answer for everyone but i do know and i think it's important for us to know this in life because we generally don't post how we are actually doing and feeling on instagram and social media we don't really know how anyone is or isn't we know what the advertisements of people's lives are we know what the highlights are right right we very seldom know the low lights well that's why i posted the other day and i was just like how is everybody doing because i'm having a hard time right now and i don't like the fact that sometimes if i get on instagram i realize tick instagram will sometimes make me feel bad yeah because i'm just like it now it's just like here's the good everybody's doing great everybody's doing fine these are things you aren't doing yeah And then I get on TikTok and it's just like, hey, so my coloring book. So, like, I see a bunch of craft stuff and then I see the Maori doing hawkers. And it's like a little good little Middle Eastern song, right? So now I know a little bit of Aramaic. The whole boy, Womong Chi singing in Chinese. So TikTok is still fun because it hasn't figured me out yet. Instagram, it's like you're – I don't like the fact that – I'll get on TikTok and Instagram and be like, this is why our industry is dying. because you want to see somebody make a cake for six episodes as opposed to a well-written thing so it's like we don't see the real we don't see people's real lives and it's to everybody's detriment in the same it's like it's like a dating app yes right you go through you see a man holding a fish you see another man holding a fish so you see white man holding fish and a black man sitting in the passenger side of a car or the pictures that you see on dating apps if you're wondering it's white dudes holding fish black man on the wrong side of a car I was like I don't know if this is flipped because he's in the driver's seat all I know is I never see a driver dude says he's in white men holding a fish white men holding a fish but here's my thing maybe you can help me with this Losa I'm trying to figure out isn't being in a meaningful relationship about someone else tolerating you absolutely and you tolerating them right but the thing is I'm not trying to be inflexible what I'm trying to do is because here's the thing you have to understand it's i have to get past meeting a man i have to get past him one being insecure about what i do oh you at war shows are you doing all of this yes sir i am so do you want to put on a suit or do you want to talk shit what are we doing because if you can't if you don't figure out how to hold a fort because i can't be sitting somewhere nice and you sitting up eating like a convict we need to so let's do that first second oh you making all this money are you doing big things if i hear you're doing big things i'm blocking your number because what that lets me know is you're not do i don't need you to do big things but what i need you to do is not talk shit about what i'm doing but do so what if that was just a question it's not a question the thing is you're not so because i am a person who listens to people i know what all of these things i know with all of these things me because there have been in enough conversations where are you doing big things fast forward to a week later oh you think you better than me no nigga you think i'm better than you anybody who's ever asked me that question you think you better than me i don't know you so no i'm not thinking about you in the way you're thinking about me because i don't know you i'm not excited to meet you i'm not doing any of these things you're excited to meet me because i'm on television but you don't know who i am as a real person because you saw me in daily show you saw me in a clip so people like oh my god you're so much nicer in person you are on stage you think I'm doing this you think I'm performing at all times are you paying me in this conversation so I go on a date so God was like and I've had men go to me oh man I'm having such a good time it's like so you acting right now bitch are you paying me I don't perform for free also a pussy costs more than appetizers so let's go so get that out the way god damn see when you walk you are instead of a walking in a room so right there's there's a question I'd love to ask here and I'll maybe ask it by sharing something from my life. One of the hardest things I learned from therapy was that… It's expensive. Yeah, it's expensive. But I also learned that there's a filter that we can apply on the world because we are constantly moving towards or partially creating the reality that we do exist within. So I would find myself having one idea of women because I was going, they're all like this. All women do this, all women. And then I would talk to a friend who's in a healthy, happy relationship, married, whatever. and they would go i don't actually know what you're talking about and i'll be like oh no that's because you you're an outlier man let me tell you how it really is and then i would meet somebody else at some point and i'd get to know them and i'll go you know how and they go like actually i don't know what you're talking about and it took me a while and i think it takes all of us a while to then ask ourselves because of where we are from how we're raised like we had roy on the podcast And one of the conversations that we had with Roy, like, you know, he gets into it in his book is you realize how many of the cycles and patterns we've inherited and don't even know we're in. Right. And then we ask ourselves why they keep repeating. What's the difference between that and a generational curse? No, it's the same thing. It's the same thing. But I'm coming back to what you're saying. I notice just when I'm listening to you, you go, you have an assumption that the man you're meeting, you've already met. No, no, no, no, no, no. That's the thing. It's I take everyone at face value. I'm not going to have an issue until you give it to me. I'm with you. I'm with you. Forgive me. So let me put it this way. This is what I'm saying. This is exactly what I mean in therapy. It's like, because I remember I was so defensive about it, right? When my therapist was saying, I was like, no, no. I was like, no. I start from scratch. I start. And then she's like, no one's starting from scratch. We all think we're starting from scratch. We're starting from our scratch. Yeah. But the best way to think of it is if I was to use an analogy, think of it like food. A lot of us in life will say, man, why do I keep getting fast food? Why do I keep getting greasy food? Why do I keep getting this type of food? Why do I keep – why don't I get wholesome meals and what, you know? But what we never ask ourselves is why is our eye attracted to that bright pink logo? why is our nose attracted to the smell of that you know crispy you know fried chicken flesh why is that we don't ask that question of ourselves as people oh i always ask right no and so what i mean is if we end up with the same outcome that we don't want the hardest thing for us to like try and figure out is which part of it is us participating in the story and which part of it is the story existing on its own so i'll tell you what i found in the therapist therapist my therapist said to me she's like you're very self-aware you're supremely self-aware i'm very self-aware she said and she said honestly and it makes it a lot easier to have these sessions with you because you're very self-aware yeah she said but because you're so self-aware you analyze everything also you're hyper self-aware then right you're too self-aware so i'm always going so my thing is like i remember saying to my ex one time because you know talk about him in the book yeah mechanic and all of that right and so i said to him one day so i was talking about because it was like years into this back and forth because i couldn't see better for myself in this situation right and i said to him one day i said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting a different result right i said so from you i don't i expect you to do the things that you are doing because i would be crazy to think that you're going to do something else based on the information and the years that I've spent going back and forth with you, right? So for me, it's never, why don't I have this thing? My issue, my thing is always, what is wrong with me? I'm rarely ever thinking, it's when things start going slightly, I'm always looking for a pattern, because it's like, I'm gonna catch you before you catch me, right? Because I know I make bad decisions. So now I have to go, now I have to be extra vigilant asking these questions and getting to know some man because I know I can't always trust the decisions that I make I can't always trust the fact that I've picked this I'm talking to this person also a lot of like because my friends I've seen all my friends I said if you line up all the guys that I've dated they don't make sense I have one of my homeboys I can't tell these girls apart he's got a new girlfriend I didn't know it wasn't the other light-skinned bitch he had been dealing with a year ago i didn't know it was a new girl because i fuck my ex is the same way he had a picture of a girl i would look down i was like when did i take this picture it wasn't me damn but he i was like okay then i am the fucking archetype if you look at all the dudes i've messed with all of them don't make sense but the thing was it's more instances in my life where a man is like me than a man i've like is like me back so it's now i'm just dealing with the men who like me so then i'm dealing with that part of it you're dealing with yourself are you dealing with yourself what do you mean like you're saying if if you're saying you're dealing with the men that are i'm so i'm so the men that are attracted to me yeah and more times as opposed to oh i like a man i think he's attractive yeah nine times out of ten that man doesn't think i'm attractive so he doesn't talk to me so a lot of times i'm dealing with men who come to me first okay and then it's just like okay well this is where i'm at if these are the men that are you're their option they're not your option right got it so it's just like well and then i had to go well you can't keep entertaining these dummies because it's there is the consistency of the men that are coming to you versus what versus the men that i want to be with so the men i just want to talk to so the men that are coming to me are the men that aren't the men that aren't they just have jobs they don't have careers right it's just they're just doing a thing and so they're just surviving every day and so you see me you're like well at least there's food at the house I know that much right so she's got a place to stay she got food at the house I'm gonna deal with her so I seem to catch men that are in their struggle and so you came to me because you need a head to lie on or you need a place to stay you can't stay with me like that I'm not gonna feed you like that because the thing is I'm so we always think about this because I always remember this from like growing up like that was the term equally yoked right yeah and so i think about that in a lot of different ways as in like if you can't understand if you can't understand where i'm coming from on a regular basis as in you don't understand the words that i'm saying so so in my book i talk about an ex that i had best boyfriend i ever had but he grew up very poor and so i remember telling him about like we had gone on vacation one time as a kid and i was like a teenage or something my mom i brought a friend you know we were all hanging out and so he was like oh you're trying to shine on me i said i'm trying to shine on you basically i'm trying to brag right and i was like i'm not shining on you i'm you asked me about something about me being a kid like he asked me about something as an experience as a kid and i was like oh my mom took us on vacation and so he thought i was bragging about going on vacation and I was just like we were staying at a days in in Savannah we didn't go to Europe we weren't still in the same state what are you talking about but and he also asked me one day what an aquarium was because I went to the aquarium for my birthday and he asked me what an aquarium was and I went what and he's like is it a museum and I was like yeah for fish let me call you back because he was inherently not wrong an aquarium is a museum but I still had to call him back more like a zoo But So I had to go I have sex with this man And that's why I had to stop I want to know I want to disturb Because I found what you said very interesting So if the men Correct me if I'm wrong It's a zoo If the men that are attracted to you Look at you as a soft place to land Yes If you are flailing So if you want a very successful man and you're an artist, do you think sometimes they think that of you? Like if there's a banker or a successful lawyer goes, you're a comedian. What if your things are not popping and I'm doing very well? Are you looking at me as a way out of your situation? They need to Google me. No, but that's an interesting point because it brings up the conundrum of life, right? And that conundrum is that the arrows are often pointing. You know, I remember once seeing a motivational speaker, And, you know, sometimes they're like very cheesy gimmicks they play on the audience. But sometimes it really sticks with you. And there's this one motivational speaker. And we're in an audience. And he was talking about love. What does teeth look like? Say again? What does teeth look like? His teeth look perfect. Of course they were. Go ahead. So he was talking about love. And then talking about being chosen. And then he said, you know what I want? I want everyone to turn to the person on their left and notice something about their face. And so everyone in the audience turned to their left. and then he's like okay now everyone face the front and he's like raise your hand if you you know the details of their face and then no one could raise their hand because everyone was looking at the back of somebody else's head and he said that's like the paradox and the conundrum of life and being chosen sometimes is that everyone is trying to see this person's face the person behind them is trying to see their face the person behind them is trying to see their face the person do you know what i mean and so now like what eugene is saying is interesting because it's like i know that i've experienced that now way less obviously but i remember when i was starting in comedy i would be on a date and someone would go so what do you do and i'll go like i'm a comedian and they're like no no but what are you like like what are you gonna like do but what you're like what are you gonna no no i'm just saying like it was interesting we'd be like what are you gonna like what do you do no like but like like like when you you could they almost wanted to say what are you gonna do when you grow up though right but when you become an adult what are you going to do but you have to remember i'm a woman so no one is looking for me to do that thing no one asks women that's the thing and this is so you have no he's not saying no no he's not saying that so no no i'm saying what so he's talking about like a banker or something worried about that but you have to also remember is that men inherently aren't they do not have to men aren't running around looking for I need a successful woman I think that's where you may be wrong I'm not saying let me finish let me speak for some men okay I'll speak for some wait wait let me say this I'll speak for some men I think there's a misconception that is often spread amongst people where they go men don't care men don't look at that no that's the biggest lie that we've been told is that men don't care yeah but what I'm saying is I think this is what Eugene is saying it is if you listen to the kernel of it it's really interesting it's like it's we take for granted that we ourselves are the most stable thing in our lives often. And then we are presented with somebody who we feel brings instability into our lives. But then we are still thrown by somebody else when they treat us like we are the instability that could potentially come into their life. That's what he's saying. No, no, no. I understand that. But what I'm saying is like I've never had I've never been in a situation where a man has been worried about what I do for a living, that he's worried that I'm going to bring him financial instability. Might not be financial. He's been worried about that. I would bring him emotional instability. That's been the biggest where it's just like, well, I need a woman to be my piece. But you terrorizing bitches on a daily basis. You ain't nobody's piece. There's always some I need a woman to be my piece. I need a woman to be ride or die. First of all, I just met you. I'm not going nowhere. I'm certainly not going to perish for your needs. So it's because, and so that's when I think about the fact that old, because like I said, I've met more men worried about a gold digger. Yes. Then I've met worried about where, because I've met men like, oh, I don't worry about a woman does. I'm like, once you find out what I do, because the man in Atlanta trying to holler at me when my mom are out and he was like, well, you know, I'm doing this, I'm doing that. And I was like, great. And my mother's like, oh, well, she's like, well, my mother was trying to talk to him. He's like, oh, I don't care what she does. And I was like, you will when you find out what I do. Because I travel a lot for work. I'm successful. Because a lot of the issues that I've had, it's the traveling for work. And I'm in a male-dominated industry. And so, and I said to one of my friends the other day, if you're a dirtbag individual, you think other people are doing dirtbag shit. Yes. Right? Okay. So, since I'm not a dirtbag. Or if you've been dirtbagged. Or if you've been dirtbagged. I think we always have to include that. so if you've been like it's like so one of my friends like you know because if you are a dirt bag yes you will constantly think that people are doing the same thing as you right also if you've been dirt bagged yes people also because like you've been dirt bagged so you're like so we should also always include that i've been dirt bagged i've been sandbagged i've been quick sanding all of that tea bagged let's i'm a christian so for me let me just calm down um so i have but it's like traveling for work or it's yes if i tell a man what i do you're either challenged because he's like oh you're funny but i'm saying do you hear even in your you're making a like a full i'm not saying i'm only talking about my experiences i don't expect that's that's what i'm saying all i can do is go off and experience so i have so if i so i'm not saying that i haven't met men who weren't interested it's like oh that's really great yeah right so I'm not saying that I haven't met men who haven't been intrigued by it or haven't been impressed by it or haven't thought that was interesting. I have. But things did not progress with that person. Right, right, right. And sometimes, and so it's like, oh, this is great. Oh, but you're gone a lot. Well, yeah, that's how I, but I work. So now it's like, I'm not trying to be inflexible. I'm just trying to understand. In the same way of just like, I need Santa because here's my thing. What's the fix? I travel a lot. So doesn't it make sense if we're trying to be together? What if you, okay, I'm going to be in, I'm gone twice a month, right? I'm going to Iowa and I'm going to Seattle. What if you came to Iowa or Seattle, right? I'm not trying to be inflexible. I'm trying to help. I said this to Eugene the other day. Do you remember we're in the car? We're in Johannesburg And I said to you I don't even know what brought it up But I said to you I said Oh also I didn't forget You told me you were going to take me to South Africa I didn't forget You changed the subject You can do what you want This is your podcast I said I said to Eugene As much as I love what I do Said And as much as we love comedy And all these things I said man Do you ever think about How wonderful it is for some people That their jobs don't require them To leave constantly Right And we're speaking about this And I'm talking to Roy about it And I remember saying one day, someone was shocked. They said to me, and I'm glad that this has diminished over time, but I remember someone once being shocked saying like, man, a lot of comedians commit suicide, right? They'd be like, no, there's like an outsized number of comedians who commit suicide. If you look at like per industry. I can't say in the summer of 2022, it was like a lot at the same time. Yeah. I don't know what happened, but it was. But this is like constant. Or just dying. But then I said to a friend, I was like, yeah, I get what you mean about like, you know, a lot of comedians commit suicide. that and i think there's many factors that probably contribute to that but one of the glaring parts that sticks out to me is how and where is like everyone would focus on that the fact that they committed suicide i would focus on the fact that they're always alone in a hotel room it was always like alone in a hotel room in a random place and very seldom not never obviously but very seldom did i read a story of a comedian committing suicide at home with their friends with their family with it and in that one moment i realized how insidious isolation is yes and i think what you're talking about which i think many people can relate to is the isolation that we might experience for a variety of reasons because i'll tell you now as somebody who's experienced it fame is one of the most isolating experiences a human can have right and i didn't think of it as isolating because you go people go everyone knows you you're like yes that is isolating everyone knows everyone knows of you yes they don't know you exactly but that's what i mean is isolating because everyone else gets to walk into a room and not be known and write their story you walk into a room people have an assumption of you that's an isolated story yeah exactly and i'm perfect and i'm not saying it like as a woe is me thing i'm just saying isolation is an interesting concepts to understand because every because now every interaction because one of my friends she was saying to me she's like well when you when i first met you i didn't like you and i was like okay i don't know why people tell me these things we're friends now why you're telling me this she's like well when you first met me you know you weren't excited to meet me i said why would i be excited to meet you i don't know you i don't know you you should like my mom had the essence magazine with you in it i said yeah you know me i don't know you yeah you're excited to meet me of course i wasn't excited to meet you i don't know you i'm not excited to meet strangers even before this yeah because you're like you don't you're a stranger i don't know you right so it's and i had this conversation when like when you left the show and they were looking for new hosts right and you don't notice but as soon as this came out i wouldn't i wouldn't plan this office I was like not me no thank you I know I'm probably not in the running don't even ask me I don't want this I don't want it I don't want it I don't want it and if I said that to any well do you want to do that I was like no every comic I'm talking about would argue me down I can't believe you don't want this and I was like this is like it's a great opportunity and I said for you because you don't know the logistics of this thing you don't understand how this works I don't want and one of my friends asked me, one of them was really pushing me and I had to go, I don't want to spend my career asking other people what they're doing with their careers. Damn. That's why I don't want that job. I don't want to sit at a desk everywhere and go, so what are you doing? Because that's, because I've told you when we got to, my first host of the week, when we went to, when I did that camera turn going from act two to act three, I said, never, fuck it, never, never. But that's the part of it that you felt the most, I mean that's like Five minutes in the show No no no What I'm saying is that It was just It was confirmation Okay so for you That was the confirmation That it's not for you That wasn't for me Completely with you Right And I'm just like Oh this is Right That's why I couldn't do Factory work Because it's a repetitive thing And so I was like I'm going to be sitting here Forever asking people Alright Orlando Bloom What's this next movie Alright Lupita What's this new book Let me ask you a question Let me ask you a question Because I'm noticing Something about You know Like reading the stories In your book you read the whole book when you'd fight with the teachers yeah reading the stories about like you know your mom joining the school and then having to like discipline you from inside the school yeah she went math at school yeah and then and then and then you fighting in like the jobs that you would go and have afterwards and like it fine it i found myself asking the question i was like because now even when you're saying like at the daily show it wasn't your piece i'd love to know like where has your piece been where do you find you've like is is this is there even a moment to a slither where you go like this is this is it this thing that i tap into is my piece so i have a craft room crafts you had a that was like your first facebook post ever was selling crafts i uh oh he was digging deep um i so i've been working since i was nine years old right you've been working since you were nine years old so you read that in the book so i've been working since I was nine and I everything had to become a business right so like the craft thing was like I enjoy this because my mom would always get me little crafty things and so it was like making little paper beads or making little hair bows and stuff like that I've always been like a maker because I like like that was like I was talking about my friends about like British baking show and I like I think and I like that show because it's you know sometimes you watch cooking shows that makes you hungry that's my mama that doesn't watch them i never first i don't get hungry watching those shows but especially that show because it's literally about the technicality of making a thing yeah as opposed to there's a finished product but it's about the technicality of everything right and so when it comes to crafting it's like i so for instance coloring talk hopped up on my tiktok and so now i've gotten like coloring books right and i say adult coloring books and then people think I'm coloring adult stuff. No, no, no, no. There's a bear going to get coffee. You see what I mean? From a man. No? That's an industry that is waiting to be tapped. Oh, no, no, no. They've got those books, too. That's an industry. Wait, they are? Oh, there's all kind of nasty little books. Oh, adult coloring books. Yeah. Like, adult coloring books. Yes, there's ones you can color in curse words, you can color in titties. But you only need, like, what, four color crayons, and then you're done? Four. How many colors do you need? I didn't know. I was asking. Okay. I mean, listen, that's why I don't like porn with white people because everything's pink so i don't know who starts or finishes i don't know who's where everything's pink i don't want it so i have like my craft room yeah right and so my house in la there's three bedrooms upstairs and one of those me and my mom share a craft room right and so this place of like it's i need to be able to have a thing that makes sense and then the other place of peace I think I sometimes have is on stage depending on the show yeah but it's for like I understand I understand everything that's happening right now I understand what I'm saying I understand what the reactions are I understand how people are going to take me in I understand that like no one's going to misunderstand me no one's going to judge me It's like I can under I I know what I'm doing. Yeah. And I know what the reactions are going to be. So like while I'm performing. Great. After a show. Sometimes it's great. Sometimes it's like, what did you hear? Why are you asking me these things? Right. Not chicken Maurice. So I have these moments where it's like I have my piece in that. Or it's like just sometimes, you know, being at shows sometimes. Yeah. Because it's like I understand how this works. I understand how this goes like if I'm on set I understand because this is like boom boom boom boom boom because when it comes to like because one of the hardest things for me about relationships like romantic relationships is like with work I knew the steps to get to what I'm wanting to do yeah if I need to do something it's like okay I gotta sell more tickets all right fuck we gotta do this promo because these clubs aren't promoting us like they used to but you're still charging me for marketing so it's just like okay i have to do this i can do this i know it's some things even in this industry isn input in and input out i can still understand the steps of this when it comes to relationships i feel like somebody gave me dipsy cups and string and we like okay now go to the moon because I don have enough experience with successful relationships that a lot of times I don't know what I'm doing and so sometimes I have to be quiet because I also have to stop because I've been in so many bad relationships that I know what the trigger is so sometimes I have to stop myself and go hey that might not be what he's doing that might not be what he's doing you need to calm down but you need to calm i'm so familiar with but i'm so familiar with the because i see the pattern now right oh i haven't heard from this man in five days what usually happens is this is like oh you've disappeared you've done this yeah but if i'm dealing with someone who's communicative like the last guy i was talking to he had a family issue that's why we're not talking anymore you had a wife no he had a something happened with his mom um and so i hit him up and i said hey um i haven't heard from you in a while so i just want to make sure is everything okay with your family that was my first thing because something did happen and i said is everything okay with your family or is life just lifing and if if so if you need space or time just let me know because i've been in this situation too many times and no and somebody didn't tell me what happened right and he texted me back and goes I'm sorry I'm not trying to ignore you or trigger you and then he was like but there's stuff going on with my life right now with my family I need space and time thank you so much there's so many times I've been in relationships with people I said hey I can fully understand that you need space yeah just tell me you need space and they wouldn't give me that because and so then I'm just in a spiral because now I'm sitting up trying to go what did I do what happened what did I do what happened and a lot of times I have to go but I also have to be aware of the fact sometimes this isn't me yeah but the only thing I have control of is what I did and what I said so sometimes people have but but since I have a lack of information yeah and the only input of information I have is things that I did you told me nothing so now I just have to go okay well did I do this and I do this and then you just have to go wait you do the fuck you get to the end I was like I didn't do shit. There's a common thread I see coming from that and it's predictability and control. Which I don't have. No, no. I'm saying in stand-up and in crafts, two worlds where you have direct control and immediate feedback. Like if you're a comedian and you say something that the audience does not agree with or like, they will instantly let you know. It's either information or confirmation. Yeah. This joke either works or it doesn't. They let you know. So you then know immediately. There's almost no audience out there, maybe in Japan. That's the only time it happened to me, where what they were doing didn't relate to how they were feeling. Oh, you've never performed for black lesbians. They are the hardest audience to perform for. Yeah, I cannot say that I've done a show solely for black lesbians. In Atlanta, there was a place called My Sister's Room, and they would do shows there. And every comic would get off stage going, you can't crack them. So wait, so let me go back to what I was saying. And then they get off stage and go, you had a great set. And we were like, tell your face, ma'am. Don't press anything. We've got more What Now after this. Trevor and I have had this conversation so many times before. And we were talking about hobbies. And one day he was saying to me, he was asking me why I have so many hobbies. And I've just recently discovered hobbies. I used to think Were just things of interest And I said One thing I discovered About hobbies And the people That are hobbyists Is they're usually good At one thing That they do for a living Surgeons Police Whatever But a hobby Humbles you constantly Because something That you try You love it Yeah But you keep failing at it And you come back again You dedicate time to it Apart from the thing That you're already good at So the more time You dedicate to a hobby The better it becomes And the better you become As soon as you master it, you start another hobby. Right? So if you're coloring or making beads, once you're done with this bracelet, you'll start another bracelet. You never go, this is my ultimate bracelet. Well, the conundrum is when you are talented, that's the only bracelet that you'll ever make. Right. Standing on stage, making people laugh, you get better at it. But it's not like you're going to go become a famous welder afterwards. So there's this thing that you can always go back to. And my thing is And why I said earlier on My mission now is to be with someone who can tolerate me It's because I've realized That the best version of me Is the intolerable version of me So when I'm doing hobbies I don't judge myself I don't criticize myself as much And I'm not seeking perfection And why wouldn't I be that version to someone else And they accept that And then they can also see That sometimes I'm a comedian who does comedy And stands on stage and over analyzes so my thing was when you present yourself to the partner that you would like to have right are you presenting dulce who does arts and crafts or are you presenting dulce who over analyzes and stands on stage and tries to find the punchline to life all of it because if you're going to be with me there's that's why it's like there's no anything less than that as a performance so it doesn't behoove or benefit me to be performing for people in my personal life because then I never get to be myself right like you know I told you I went to that friend breakup and the thing that was so hard about that was like being with him I got to be a woman so I didn't get to mean I got to be soft and I got to get taken care of and I got to kind of like just you see what i'm saying because like other openers i would bring with me i'm taking care of this person while i'm taking care so it's like okay now we're doing this now i'm going this okay we got to get around we got to that and the benefit of him was i didn't have to it's okay what's the itinerary it's like oh you're because i don't have a tour manager right so it's like it's the benefit of us as a person if someone is making sure we're doing this and making sure we're doing that. Oh, you're hungry. Let's find something to eat. Let's do all of these things. Right. And so I said to him, I was like, I get to be a woman around you. I get to be soft. Cause like, if you talk to like, especially like older women and it's just like every day before her husband, she had to go do this and do that. And like, you have to, you were constantly performing. You constantly were doing things for this person's benefit. And it wasn't mutual. It wasn't, it wasn't y'all taking care of each other because when I've you know dated man it's just like you know what do you want to say why does someone take care of me oh well you want to try to take all my money that's the only care that you know is financial you're not thinking about emotional you're not thinking about that's only thing so I've said this to people it's like oh you only think money a lot of times people only think about care they think about money but if we've taught men that most of our it's transactional with people that's what we teach men that love is transactional we teach women that love is emotional we treat men that love is transactional you have to give things to be loved women it's like you have to be quiet and let this man do these things you have to accept whatever he does even if you don't like it i didn't like this ring i didn't like what he said to me i didn't do any of these things but if you want to be with somebody you have to accept these things. And so I don't want to be in a situation where I can't tell you how I feel, or I can't tell you what's going on with me, that I can't pray with you. Because people ask me, well, do you have to be a Christian? I just did the Daniel fast. I just did a religious fast for 21 days from the Old Testament. If my husband does not understand what I am doing, if my husband cannot do it with me, my mom was also fasting at the same time. My house is fasting. If he does not understand my faith, he doesn't understand me as a person. He doesn't understand what I do. He doesn't understand me as a person. So I don't understand if this person I'm trying to build a life with, because that's the thing. You're always going to like, because I had changes in my faith. I didn't do the fast last year because I was mad at God. So I was like, I can't be in this place anymore because if I'm mad at God, I'm mad at everything that exists in the world. So I have to then, but I was mad at God because I was mad at myself. And so I had to find forgiveness for myself in a crazy way. It's like I had to forgive God in my mind for me being in the position that I'm in because for some reason I'm here and I don't know what that is because I don't control I don't know what God does I don't know where they are at but at least have to accept as a person of faith all I can do is go out and do stand-up leave my house and just hope that the work that I'm doing benefits in the way that I want it to because you don't know what God's plan is all you know is you go outside your house hope you don't die and maybe what you want what God's plan is matches up somehow but I can't lie I don't lie to my friends I'm who I am with my friends I don't know why I wouldn't be that with my I'm gonna spend more time with it he's gonna be in my bed every night I can't lie to this man that's exhausting I'm already tired I was in six cities in a week and I'm supposed to come home and be like all right let me go lie to this nigga who wants to do that that's crazy and so I don't want to also it's like I'm not trying to change nobody you can't change a person well i because i i've heard people say that when i met him but i can just change him bitch do you know how successful you can be in your life if you didn't spend all your time trying to change somebody else do you know what you could possibly be doing that's why i was talking about like like truly crazy people are never successful they're too busy being crazy people who are obsessed because i realized one point i was like oh i think i'm addicted to people when i was younger my twin i was addicted to people because i don't want to think about myself so i was always thinking about what my friends were doing and were they okay and how were they and da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Because when you stop thinking about other people, you can think about yourself. But we've been told as women, thinking about yourself is selfish. So I had to figure out, oh, it's okay for me to think about me. Oh, it's okay for me to worry about me. I had to learn about self-care. Because we grew up, you get your nails done, you get your hair done. Bitch, I self-care. No one's talking about my emotional whole affair at all. My hair is done and my nails are done. Bitch, you're fine. So all of these things you have to learn as a person, because I realized if I had gotten married before I went to therapy, I would be divorced. Definitely, because anybody I would have married before I went to therapy. Would not have been a healthy relationship, no matter who it was, because I was not in a good place and I didn't care about myself the right way and I didn't think about myself the right way. So I would have married somebody who was at the point of where I was in my life and that was not a good place. So he was either going to treat me the way I treated me, which isn't good, because I had a friend tell me one day, if somebody spoke to you the way you spoke to you, I would fight that person. so let me ask you this then as we leave you I've heard you talk about happiness I've heard you talk about peace your vision for your life etc if someone was to wave a magic wand and give you exactly what you wanted what do you think that would look like tomorrow that's the first part of the question what would that look like tomorrow First of all I'm a bad bitch I'm playing I'm already a bad bitch Um one I don't know why my first thought was my mom Uh If you wait in a one tomorrow I am Married Happily married with someone who understands me I have children Three My brother is better My mom is married I'm in a house that accommodates everybody And I have because I don't think this is not that the situation gives me peace is that I have a place of I don't have that sadness in me anymore I think that's the wand it's like I have the things it's because this is what I think about all day is what I don't have and it's so and me taking care of everyone else And so I think if a wand is waved It's I have a partner Who can help me take care of everyone else And someone that takes care of me And someone that I can take care of But it's also like I need Help And I'm past the part of my life Where I'm afraid for asking for help I'm afraid of the part of my life where I don't feel ashamed asking for help. But I think if a wand is waived, I get the help that I need because I'm not, because the goal is to stop feeling like I'm failing. It is really the goal. To be like, you did enough just because things didn't work out. Because no one's ever told me that I'm failing. My manager tells me all the time, you're not failing. But I can't. Don't go far. Sorry to interrupt you. But I can't shake the feeling. So that's the wand wave is that feeling of. Because someone asked me, well, how do you know that you made it? I was like, I don't I've never felt like I've made it. Right. I've never felt like I've made it because I got a daily show. You made it. I'm like, this is one job. This is your career is your whole life. Yeah. So it's for me, it's like I the wand is I don't feel like I'm failing anymore. And I have the things that I want to make me feel like I'm not failing. What's the next question? So, no, no, no. The second part of it isn't necessarily a question. It's more an idea that I hope to leave you with. When my production team was asking me, they're like, so, like, why Dulce? They asked me about everyone to try and understand. They're like, why do you want this person on? And why do you want that person on? And I said, why Dulce? And I said, because I've met few people who embody the real idea of heroism than Dulce. Oftentimes we are sold heroes as people who have overcome an idea. Oftentimes I get frustrated because we're sold people who have overcome voluntary ideas. I climbed Mount Everest. I ran a hundred marathons. And I'm like, yeah, this is my hero. I'm like, no, no, no. They chose a thing to do. In my opinion, heroes are the people who are not choosing the thing, but have to climb the mountain anyways. Heroes are people who have to run a hundred marathons, but there's no ribbon on the other end. And I won't change it overnight for you emotionally, but I genuinely hope you know. And it's something that somebody said to me that, man, stuck with me and it hit me hard because I think I've experienced, I think everyone who's going to listen to this or watch this, can at some point acknowledge feeling what you're feeling and sharing with us. It was the feeling of want, the want, and I don't have, and I don't. And they said something really, really, really impactful. And at the time, I just, I resisted and I was like, no. And they said, my one wish for you in life is that you realize everything you want is everything you already have. Where is he? and and I you know I took it as trite I took it as like whatever whatever and you know you and I have spoken about these things but I've gone you're not wrong whoever you are in life you're not wrong to go I don't have because you don't but you're also wrong if you only think you don't have right because we all don't I've talked to people who have found the love of their life and then they died. That's so. And let me tell you something. You think you're lonely because you haven't met the love of your life. Meet the love of your life and have them leave this earth permanently. Oh, I think about that all the time. No, no, no. And then you'll understand a different type of loneliness and a different type of pain. And I'm not saying this minimizes because I'm not one of those people who goes, other people have it worse. I do think perspective is a wonderful thing because it allows us to see parts of ourselves in our lives that we are otherwise unable to see and the simplest analogy i'll give is eugene and i have laughed about this for years we'd always go nothing would make you appreciate your car more than the guy at the car wash driving it away you know that feeling we'd always talk about you'd have your car you used to this car and it's annoying i gotta fix this and i gotta and then there's a moment where the guy at the car wash would drive it and you'd look at him in your car and you'd go that's my that's my car and there'd be this and we should literally laugh about this feeling and yeah the the one thing i say to you as as we wrap up here is it's like i think it's like broken down into parts one is thank you because i i think you don't realize sometimes that you doing is helping others it's like even on like the smallest level which i think is a big level like comedy man let me tell you something the amount of times people have told me what they came into a comedy show with and how they left a comedy show changed like my perspective on it you know i think about it with good food i think about it with with anything you name it and you doing for your family you'd like i hope i hope you don't i hope you don't take for granted that part of it because I know the burden is intensely upon you and I hope genuinely I just I hope that the feeling you just felt now is a feeling that you'll constantly be able to dip into regardless of what does or doesn't come into your life because the feeling is all that we're pursuing that's the thing I've learned and it's taken me years and years and I'm not perfect at it by the way I still slip but the feeling is the only thing we're pursuing we feel like we want to be married with kids we feel like we want to have kids we feel like we want this job we feel like we want to do that we feel like we when we're not wrong but the thing is to your point we don't know you've never met that man I've never met my wife I've never the person might never exist but you know what does exist the feeling that we have when we think of them and so i think that's like one part of you that i think you might not be able to see all the time is how optimistic you are is how much of like the lining you're seeing because you want it to want it is to believe that it can even possibly exist i know what happens when i don't and so that's the thing it's like i I don't know if you saw this clip When I was hosting the show The lady asked me what was the hardest part of your career And the hardest thing you had to do And all this other stuff And I said oh hope People never talk about how hard hope is Hope is the hardest thing to have Patience is easier than hope Because at least when you're waiting for a thing It's It's coming And that's the thing You're only patient for things that you know are coming. Hope is you waiting for a thing that you don't know is coming. And so there's an amount of faith that you have to have in that. And I can offer you this. If you think seeing somebody drive off with your car at a car wash is a feeling. Your car in a tow truck, that's a worse feeling. Because the tow truck. No I said the car thing is a good feeling When someone's taking No I was saying it's a good feeling You get to appreciate it I appreciate my car more Every time I had a car In the back of a tow truck I had to appreciate the fact that It is going to be fixed That's the moment You have to go when you see a car in a tow truck You have two options Either you never see this car again because she gone I told you I dated a millennium for a long time because I can only afford to use cars. And sometimes you got to go to some man's house to pay for oil change. That's not the point. You love him. But real hope is seeing your car in a tow truck and going, I'm going to drive the car again. Yeah. No matter what's wrong with it. Also, car to car. Somebody else. I've never been to a car wash where somebody had to drive my car off. So I just hope just one day to get like you. Oh, no, it's quite common in South Africa. Don't get it. No, no, no, no, no. They have them here. I just haven't gone. Oh, it's like pouring gas. You know, like in America, people are like, they pour your gas for you? and you're like, oh, no, no, this is not the way it seems. No, in New Jersey, they pump the gas. It's one of those funny things where people, you know. But to say, I know we're going to. Yeah, we have to wrap up. But yeah, listen, this is the longest I've ever spoken to you. Don't lie. We've never talked for two hours straight before? Yeah, but I don't talk to anyone for two hours straight. I'm fully aware. That's what I'm saying. This is the longest I've ever talked to you. I was going to be like, in our lives, we've spoken for way more than two hours. Yeah, if you put it all together, it was three hours and 15 minutes. In fact, I'm going to challenge you. When we were backstage in Atlanta, I had the fried chicken And we were sitting Remember I had the The Nashville spicy hot chicken And we were backstage And you came to the show In Atlanta We stayed backstage Until they kicked us out Of the backstage Yeah because that's the only time I leave somewhere That we kicked out Yeah but that was hours And I'm happy But that was hours It was How dare you forget me I did not How dare you erase me From history See look at this man You see what happened He had what Now mind you That's the longest We've ever talked How long I've known this man How many How many presidents Did I have known you for? Trevor, Ezekiel, Noah. Only one real president. The other one stole the election. Everyone who's watching is like, I know who he means. Biden. Stolen! But no, I'm glad I was worried you were going to... I'm proud of myself for not crying. I'm glad I got to do this because I do like your perspective on things because you weren't born here and so there is a certain amount of optimism and perspective that you have that especially black people born here don't have because one most americans don't leave America. But also, too, there is a... There is a... When you come from a place that was colonized and stolen from you, but the majority of the people in your country still look like you, then you're watching a minority run your country, right? Yeah. And so you can see the theft. You can see that y'all shouldn't be running this shit We just didn't have guns It's the only reason y'all are here Is because you caught us slipping How dare we not have weapons, right? Here it's You took over and brought us with you And stripped us of who we are And every time we try to create who we are You tell us we're not You try to convince us this whole time that we're lesser than what we are. And we've accepted that to a certain point. But we spend all this time, because if you notice what black people do all day is look at white people and go, that's not us. How do you not know who we are? We know who y'all are. We've been with y'all the whole time. So black people spend all this time going, no, that's not us, that's not us, that's not us, that's not us. And you're coming from a place where, oh, I know who I am. And so there's a certain fight that you don't have to have mentally that we have to have because not only are we fighting the population at large we're also fighting for each other be like no no no no we're in this together but i don't know you niggas but we're in this together but i can't we and so you're always trying to figure out friend or foe because sometimes it's like skin folk and kin folk so there's a perspective that you have because like you have the basis of i know where i'm from and i know where i'm from i'm from here but everyone's telling me I have no part in this and then I know where I'm from as a continent but I have multiple tribes in me who could have been at war I'm just the descendants of these people so I'm walking around with nations in me but everyone's telling me that I'm lesser than I am so I spent all this time going no no no no no no I'm big I'm big I'm big look I'm big see me and so that's a perspective so I think that's why you get to see people the way that you see them and I think sometimes that's why I see people this way that I see them because like oh I can see that you're hurt you're mad at me because you're hurt that has nothing to do with me and I think some you can see the hurt but sometimes I only see the hurt because that's the only thing I'm trained to see and you get to see the happiness and the hurt and I'm sometimes I always I a lot of times I miss the happiness but I always see the hurt you always see both so that's why I always appreciate talking to you because you can see all of the thing but I'm descended from people who were constantly in pain and if you think of so we spent all this time trying to be happy because the default is well fuck I didn't die because you can't be upset because it's like we can't be depressed because my ancestors were slaves oh you niggas can read why are you sad? oh y'all can buy houses and earn money? they used to beat us to death you can't be sad so I just always appreciate talking to you because I feel like you see people as a whole while all of a sudden I'm just like this nigga's sad let me go help him sitting in his makeup chair looking like that I would give you my left hand but I don't have one friend what happened are you playing tennis or some shit? yeah don't start Dulce thank you for joining us thank you for having me I'm sorry I took up all your tape You can take up any tape. There's no tape. The future. There's the future. There's Dr. Wayne Dyer. I don't know if you said of him. Who? Dr. Wayne Dyer. Dr. Wayne? Now I know Dr. Wayne. He said, he quoted from the Tao Te Ching, the book. He said, you don't have to do anything because you're already being done. Who do I think? That quote relieved me from a lot of stress and anguish from thinking I need to do something because everything is already happening. Say it again? You don't need to do anything because you're already being done. That sounds like a translation issue. Well, it was Chinese. Don't say Sloan, everyone. She already done had hers. What Now with Trevor Noah is produced by DayZero Productions in partnership with SiriusXM. The show is executive produced by Trevor Noah, Sanaz Yamin, and Jess Hackle. Rebecca Chain is our producer. Our development researcher is Marcia Robiu. Music, mixing and mastering by Hannes Brown. Random Other Stuff by Ryan Harduth. Thank you so much for listening. Join me next week for another episode of What Now?