6 Thinking Traps to Catch, Change and Feel Instantly Better

The following podcast is a Dear Media production. Welcome back to After Bedtime. Now, today's episode is one of those that can genuinely change your day-to-day life. We're getting into the very thing that's quietly driving everything, your thoughts, the stories running in your head all day long that feel true but aren't always accurate and are shaping how you feel, how you react, and how you show up as a parent, a partner, and a person. I'm going to show you how those thought patterns work, why your brain keeps repeating them, and how to actually shift them in real time so you can feel calmer, more in control, and less stuck in the spiral. It's going to be a great one. I'm really excited. Welcome to After Bedtime, where the house is finally quiet but the real noise begins, the thoughts, the questions, the wondering if you're doing any of this right. We're Kristen, and Dina, child behavior experts, moms, and co-founders of Big Little Feelings, and we're not here to give you more pressure or perfect parenting energy. Nope, we're here to tell the truth, the unfiltered, beautiful, brutal truth about what it means to raise kids and re-raise ourselves in the process. Because parenting isn't just about sleep schedules and snack hacks. It's about healing. It's about breaking cycles. It's about becoming the kind of adult you want your kids to grow up to be. This is the place where we say the quiet parts out loud, and we're so glad that you're here. Before we get into today's topic, which is going to be a really fun one, and my style of doing a solo episode is very like fast-paced, no fluff. Let's just get right to it. I love a podcast like that, so I'm going with it. And before we go there, let's do a little catch-up together. So Kristen's not here today. She's been, if you've been following us on Instagram, you know about what's been going on with Tyler. They had a family emergency. Tyler had an accident. I'm happy to report he was doing a lot better, but it was really, really scary for a little bit there for all of us. Basically, he was in the hospital after collapsing. We had no idea why. It was very scary. I've been checking on them. I've been checking on Kristen as the caretaker. It is a really stressful spot to be in. So all in all, they're doing better. We're still sending them all the good thoughts. And I think they're actually going to be ready by next week to come back and probably share the full experience. So for today, it's me. And today, I'm feeling good. I'm feeling tired. I'm feeling like I'm in a pretty good groove, especially now that my kids are back at school from spring break. It's nice to be back into routine. But funny little thing, we're at the grocery store yesterday, which usually I love a grocery store trip with my kids. I know that is not for everybody. For whatever reason, I light up. I love going around with them and being like, oh, what should we get? What are we going to make for dinner tonight? What about tomorrow when we make all these plans and we get excited together? Okay, usually it's like that. This one was so different. I don't know what was going on. Like what was in the water? My kids were so chaotic in the store. They're riding the grocery basket. It's like almost tipping over. It's just chaos. And at one point, I did the exact opposite of the whole BLF theory here. I just like got down to like, hey, guys, if it's going to be this chaotic at the store, I'm going to just leave this basket and leave. We're just going to leave it here and go home. And then this lady was right next to me and just kind of looked at me. And in my head, I was like, Oh, you probably know I'm the BLF mom, huh? And then I was like, you know what? I hope you know I'm the BLF mom because this is real life too. Okay, listen, did I damage my kids by saying this? No, absolutely not. Was it the most effective thing I could have said? No, I try to respond in ways that are going to actually help them understand what they're feeling and learn skills. And sometimes this pops out of my mouth. That's just part of being human. I'm not even going to give a second thought or spiral on it, which is very related to today's episode. Instead, I focused on just getting the F out of there. Like, I had hit my limit. I hadn't really noticed I was done and overwhelmed. And I just wanted to go home. What probably would have helped honestly was popping in my earplugs. That didn't even cross my mind. Not even once. I wish it had because I would have felt a lot better. I probably dealt with things better too. Speaking of being intentional, let's get into our topic today because it is really helpful. Once you start noticing your thought patterns, you can actually shift them and then you're going to end up feeling better day to day. It makes such a difference. This is something I use in my life every single day because my brain can get really negative really fast. And then that impacts how you feel and it impacts how you respond. And leaning into all of this can just stop the negative stuff, the negative patterns, the negative spirals that we all get caught in. So let's get into it. Quick pause to talk about the absolute chaos that is changing a baby in the middle of the night, which I am deep in my friends. My baby has slept through the night one time so far, just one. You're barely functioning, the lights are off, your baby is suddenly doing full gymnastics, arching, rolling, kicking, you know what I mean. And you're sitting there like, why are there so many snaps? 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If getting your kids to eat vegetables feels like it's an impossible daily battle, Haya's new kids daily greens plus superfoods is a total game changer. It's basically chocolate milk stuffed with veggies. It's a greens powder designed specifically for kids that's packed with 55 plus whole food sourced ingredients just mix once scoop with milk or milk alternative and watch them actually enjoy something that's secretly fueling their growing bodies. We've worked out a special deal with Haya for their best selling children's vitamin, receive 50% off your first order to claim this deal. You must go to HayaHealth.com slash BLF. This deal is not available on their regular website. Go to H-I-Y-A-H-E-A-L-T-H.com slash BLF and get your kids the full body nourishment they need to grow into healthy adults. I have been on a bit of a spring reset lately, but not throw everything out and buy a whole new wardrobe kind of way. I've been really focusing on fewer pieces and better quality. Things that are just easy and versatile and actually make me feel put together without trying so hard. This is why I keep coming back to Quince time and time again. I cannot tell you how many amazing pieces I have from them that are such high quality. Oh, and I have this amazing sweater from them that's made from cashmere. It is literally so soft and it's all at prices that don't make you spiral. Like I genuinely had a moment where I was like, wait, this is actually the price. Like their quality really carries across everything they make and their accessories like their leather bags are made from 100% handwoven Italian leather and look way more expensive than they are. The reason they can do that is because they work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middleman. So you're actually paying for the quality, not the markup. And you can feel it. The fabrics feel really elevated. The fits feel intentional. It's just very easy and that's what I need. So if you also need to simplify your life but still look cute, refresh your spring wardrobe with Quince. Go to quince.com.com. When people talk about the quality of the sweater, they're 365 day returns. Quince.com slash BLF. When people talk about energy, recovery and performance, they usually jump straight into training, protein or supplements. But one of the most overlooked pieces is gut health. If your gut is not good, everything else struggles to work the way it should. And that is where Momentus Fiber Plus comes in. Most people think fiber is just about staying regular but fiber actually plays a major role in energy, stability, recovery, focus and overall performance. Momentus believes in a relentless commitment to fundamentals and doing them differently than they have ever been done. Fiber Plus is built to support the entire gut health process, not just one piece of it. It's a complete three in one formula in soluble fiber and a prebiotic resistant starch. 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Recent neuroscience research suggests that we have about 6,000 thoughts a day. And here is the part that is crazy to me. Most of those thoughts are the same ones on repeat. They're not fresh, they're not brand new insights, they're more like the same mental tabs just refreshing all day long. So let me ask you this. How many thoughts have you had today that felt completely true, but actually weren't? You know, the ones that just pop up like, I'm behind, I'm messing this up, they're judging me, I should be doing more. And you didn't even question them. You just believe them. That's what we all do. And when you look at it that way, you realize that most of us aren't living our lives based on reality. We're living based on thought patterns, our brain repeats automatically. So today, we're breaking that open. I'm going to walk you through the patterns that are quietly running your life and how to actually start changing them so that you feel better. Okay, zoom out with me for a second here, because this is important, your brain is not designed to be accurate. It is designed to be efficient. Meaning it runs shortcuts all day long, it repeats patterns and it loops on what it already knows. So if you've ever had that moment where you're like, why do I keep going to the same place mentally? Or like, why do I spiral the same way every time? This is why your brain is recycling those same stories over and over and over again. And here's what's really important. Your brain doesn't just have thoughts, your brain believes the thoughts. There's a part of your brain that is constantly scanning for threat, your amygdala, and it's not sitting there like, hmm, let me just fact check this real quick. No, no, no, no, it goes, this feels true. I'm panicking react instantly. There's no pause in between, unless we make a pause and we'll get into that. So let's play this out in real life. You think, I'm behind, and your brain goes, Oh my God, panic, panic, panic, we're falling behind. And then your body responds with stress and tension and urgency and shame. And then what happens? You rush, you snap, you spiral, you shut down. Yeah, this happens to me too. Don't worry, it's all of us. But this is the loop. You have a thought. There's a feeling, the feelings in your body. And then there's action. So your thought is the story your brain is telling, your feeling is your body's response to that story. And your action is what you do next. Now here's the crazy part. When you pause and you start to build the self awareness and pick a different path, you can have the same situation happening, but a different thought, and then a completely different outcome. So bear with me, let's play this out. The thought we're having is this is a disaster. Next, your body's flooded with stress. And next thing you know, you're snapping at your kid. We've all been there. I've been there. It was me in the grocery store, okay? Let's do it differently. The thought that we're having for the same situation now is this is hard, but I can handle this. Probably just hearing those words, you feel steadier. And then you respond instead of reacting. Responding comes from that place of intention and power. Reaction is just an automatic whatever was there wired into us before. We're trying to get to respond mode. Here's why this all matters so much. Your brain believes what you repeat. So if your thoughts are constantly critical and catastrophic and all or nothing, your nervous system is living in high alert mode all day long, not because your life is constantly on fire, although it can feel that way, but because your thoughts are telling your brain it is. The solution is not toxic positivity. That's not good. No, no, no, no. You're not going from everything is awful to everything's amazing. I have no problems. I just think positive like it'll be okay. No, no, no, that's fake. Your brain won't even buy that. You're shifting to something more accurate and useful. That's the goal, accurate and useful. More like this is hard and temporary. I'm overwhelmed. I'm capable. I can handle this moment. These are the types of thoughts that we want to be able to intentionally bring to our mind. And we'll go through the six ways to do it. Because when your thoughts shift, your nervous system calms and your emotions feel more manageable, and your reactions become more intentional. Same life, different internal narrative, completely different day to day experience. So real quick, we have to talk about this other thing because people get tripped up on this all the time. Venting and processing are not the same thing. Venting sounds like this is so hard. Nothing is working. I'm so overwhelmed and we just kind of spiral in the thoughts and emotions. And listen, it can feel good in the moment. There's no doubt about that. But neurologically, you are rehearsing the loop. You are strengthening that pathway and telling your brain, yep, this is the story. Keep this one. But processing sounds different. Processing says this is hard. And what's actually true here? What part of this is in my control? What's another way to look at this? Processing creates movement and venting often keeps you stuck. So all in all, you don't get to control your first thought. Don't even worry about that. That thing just pops up. That's your brain just doing its job. But you do get to choose your second thought and your third and the story you build from there. Because your thoughts are not facts. They're mental sentences. And once you start noticing them, you can start editing them with intention. So we get to a point of, is this thought actually helping me right now? Or not? And if not, we change it. The goal is catch it, create space, choose something more useful. This has taken me so much work to be able to do this because I'm telling you, my thoughts on their own can be so negative, like so self critical, so catastrophic, negative loops just over and over. So I have to have a lot of intention to do this. More you do it though, the more it builds your brain to be able to do this automatically, which is very cool. So today, let's start practicing new thoughts, more helpful thoughts that are going to help you feel better and show up better. So the six patterns. Pattern one, catastrophizing. This is when your brain jumps straight to worst case scenario. This is going to go terribly. What if everything falls apart? That might be your first thought. And if we pause, we can actually reframe it to be more accurate, which is this. This is my brain trying to protect me, not predicting the future. My first thought is not always accurate. When we stop, we can catch it and we can rebuild the thought. So the tool here with catastrophizing, I always think of it as kind of like a reality ladder, if you will. So first I ask, what is the worst case? Like really, what is the worst thing that could happen here? Because a lot of times our brain makes it feel way worse than it actually is. So go ahead and think about how bad it could be. Then ask yourself, what's the best case? Yeah, for most of us, our brain is never even going to naturally go there. I remember the first time I learned this in therapy school is like, that's so funny. My brain has never even once wondered that. Then ask yourself, what's the most likely case? This is where we get accurate. And that's where your nervous system calms the fuck down. Okay, let's break this down into real life. Let's take a situation. Okay, I'm going to do one that freaks me out. Your kids teacher emails and all it says is, can we talk today? I don't know about you. My brain immediately would be like, oh my God, panic, panic. Something really bad is here. So we pause and ask, what is the worst case? I don't know. The worst case is they're having a major behavior issue. And then I think to myself, oh my God, I'm raising a problem kid. And I probably totally messed this up. Okay, worst case. Now we pause and intentionally go to best case. Maybe it's something like they're doing amazing and the teacher just wants to tell me how great they are. Now we go to most likely case. Maybe it's like something small happened. Maybe they had a tough moment, didn't listen or struggled with a transition and the teacher just wants to fill me in and problem solve together. I can handle that. We can handle that. Because the reality is your brain lives in extremes. And your real life happened somewhere in the middle. So we can intentionally get ourselves to that middle spot. And a lot of times just tackling the worst case instantly makes you feel safer and calmer. We kind of put like a period at the end of it so our brain can chill out. But yeah, most likely case is usually never our worst case. So now you have the self-awareness to catch it and replace it with something more helpful. Okay, tool number two. This is a great one because I definitely do this, mind reading. So you're assuming someone else's thoughts with zero data. For a lot of us, it's something like, oh, they think I'm annoying or she's mad at me, my sister spirals in that one all the time. But now that you know, you're looking out for mind reading because it happens to us. And it's not very helpful. The reframe here is, I don't actually know what they're thinking. That's the reality. We don't live in someone else's mind or body. You don't know what they're thinking. Your brain is acting from the past. There's some sort of shadow there that is making this feel true. But really, you have no clue, which is really comforting. Once we notice that, we get to actually replace it with a neutral thought. So instead of, oh my God, they're judging me, it's more like, you know, I don't have enough information to know what they think. Neutral, not negative. Go with the data, the real data, not just what your brain is throwing at you. Remember, we don't pick the first thought, but we do get to pick the second and the third thought. A lot of times we feel like people are upset with us or they're judging us. I know I'm very sensitive to being like, looked at. Hi, yeah, also me in the grocery store with that lady, probably. But so much of the time, people are just out living their lives. They're not really looking at us. And the more we can focus our brains on just living our own lives carefree, the better we feel. I swear, once you catch the whole mind reading thing and you learn how to replace it with something more neutral, more realistic, you start to feel really free. It's really nice. Okay, tool number three for us is the all or nothing thinking trap. This is where everything is black or white. It's success or failure, period. There's no in between. It might sound silly, but your brain can automatically just jump to these extremes when you're not watching it. For me personally, I know my all or nothing thinking can sound a little bit like this. I mess that up. I'm terrible at this. It's ruined. Like it can go to extremes so fast. Or another one is if I can't do it perfectly, what's the point, right? So success or failure. Now, when we're looking out for it and we reframe it, the reality is a little bit more like this. Progress lives in the gray. The reality is so much of life happens in that gray area. So the tool with all or nothing thinking that you can keep in your pocket and pull out any time you have an all or nothing thought is find the 20% win. It's going to feel unnatural at first if you're an all or nothing thinker a lot of the time, but ask what part of this went right. You're going to have to find it even if it's small. But doing this actually rewires your brain to see nuance instead of extremes. The more you do it, the more you build that neural pathway and your brain's going to become better at seeing nuance on its own. So at first it's going to take a lot of work and then it becomes smoother and more natural. I personally have seen so much progress in myself with this one. If you would have seen me like 20 years ago, oh my God, it was all or nothing a lot of the time. And I walked around not feeling good. So yeah, find the gray, you'll feel better. Okay, tool number four is called personalization. This is where you take responsibility for things that aren't actually yours. So here's some examples, right? These are the personalized thoughts that pop up. They're in a bad mood. It must be because of me. Or maybe it's like this, your toddler's melting down at bedtime and your thought goes, I handled the whole day wrong. I caused this. Or your kid says, I don't like you. And your thought is, oh my God, I'm failing as a parent. Or maybe this is my day a few days ago, your baby is fussy all day. And you think to yourself, I'm doing something wrong. Now that we know about personalization and that this is like a thinking trap that we can all fall into, the reframe here when it happens is not everything is about me. If you had a childhood where you had to take care of a parent and you had to kind of walk on eggshells around their emotions, because they shut down, they explode, taking things personally is going to come really easily. So a lot of us are doing this intentional work of rewiring our thoughts. And the tool to keep close to you here, if this is one you're working on, is that there's three buckets, you're going to ask, what's mine? What's theirs? What's just life? And what you're going to quickly start to notice is most of what you're caring isn't actually yours. But it feels like it is because somewhere along the way, we learned if something is off, I must be the reason. And so you start holding everything, their moods, their struggles, their reactions, the energy in the room, and you walk around constantly scanning, are they okay? Did I cause it? What should I fix? And it's exhausting. Because you're trying to control things that were never yours to carry in the first place. But when you start using those three buckets, what's mine? What's theirs? What's just life? Things start to shift because you realize my job is to show up, to guide, to support, not to take ownership of every feeling, every outcome, every hard moment. And you can start to replace it, right? My kid is allowed to have a bad day, just like we all do. Without it meaning I did something wrong. And my partner is allowed to be off, without it meaning I caused it. So when you start putting things back where they belong, you breathe differently. You can show up calmer and clearer and less reactive. And it's not really because life got easier, but because you're not carrying the weight of things that were never yours in the first place. And that's where so much of the freedom comes from. So noticing that thought trap, am I taking things way too personally? And intentionally choosing that second and third thought can help you feel so much better. Anyways, thought trap number five, should thinking. I should be more patient. I should have handled that better. This one sounds really productive. It's really sneaky, but it's actually just shame in disguise. When you catch yourself shitting, here's the reframe I want you to pause and have. I did the best I could with the capacity I had. That is so true. Every day is different. Every day you have a different amount of energy. Every day your mood is different. A past version of you had a different set of tools than the current version of you has. So instead of shitting all over ourselves, we are going to swap should with next time. So instead of I should have, we're going to be like next time I'll try. Next time I'll try pausing before I react. I'll try putting my back against a wall so I can reset. I'll try remembering my damn earplugs, which are always in my bag. I just have to remember to put them in my ears. I'll try. The difference is one keeps you stuck, though should. And the other moves you forward. That's what we're going for. This is forward movement. No need to go and loop and get yourself stuck in past stuff. It doesn't help. So next time you're way forward and you'll feel a lot better. Okay, our final one. Thought pattern number six that we're going to keep an eye on and swap when we need to. Negative filtering. This is a wild thing and all of our brains do it. Your brain deletes the good and highlights the bad. It is a survival thing. It's evolutionary. It was helpful. Like you had to remember all the bad, dangerous stuff that was happening so that you could actually survive it. Like you have to store that stuff and pay attention. But in modern day, does it help you to be looping on negative stuff all day long? No, it does not. It makes you feel worse. And it makes you more reactive. But somehow somehow your brain still in the modern day context will go, you did 10 things right, but we're just going to fixate on the one thing that went wrong. And your girl knows a lot about fixating on negative stuff. My brain loves to do this. And I've had to train it very hard to not just loop on the stuff that I've not done how I want to. So now that we know about negative filtering, we catch it and we reframe. My brain is biased toward the negative. Now we know that. And instead, we're going to do an exercise that's going to strengthen your brain and help combat this whole negative filtering that a lot of us walk around with. We're going to spot three things at the end of the day and ask what are three things that went right. They do not have to be big things. It might be something so small is I made all the snacks today, because that's tedious. And you did it. I stayed calm and didn't yell when I felt like I was about to explode. Damn girl, good for you. Look at that. Maybe a few other moments weren't like that. But that's okay. Count that one. Celebrate it. Notice it. Maybe it's something like, you know what, I've had a goal to put my phone down more around my kids and I actually did that. Hell yeah. At the end of the day, take time and notice three things intentionally. And I promise you, you will be wiring your brain to become more resilient while also correcting the built in bias. Over time, you repeat it, it gets stronger and stronger, and you get more and more resilient. Okay, friends. So these are the six thought patterns that we're going to be keeping an eye on. We're going to be noticing, reframing and using our new tools with. When this happens, it just means that your brain is doing its job just a little too aggressively. And the goal isn't to never have these thoughts. It's to catch them, create space for them. Right? We're not judging them. And we choose what we do next. You are not your thoughts. You are the person who notices them. And that tiny little shift, that's where your power is. And also tell me in the comments, I'm very curious, which one of these six does your brain kind of automatically do the most? What tools feel the most helpful? We're going to be doing the work together. I'm very excited. Let's lift each other up, keep growing. And I'm really, really proud of us all. The easy thing is just giving into whatever is our automatic reactions, growing and learning how to pause and respond is hard work. And it is completely worth it. So keep going. We got this. And if this kind of work, this understanding your patterns, your reactions, your brain is something that you want more of, that is exactly what we dive into across everything we create here at Big Little Feelings. Because when you shift this, it changes how you show up in your life, in your relationships, in your parenting, everything. And if you're feeling stuck in some really difficult patterns when it comes to your kid, we got you. This is exactly why we created our viral behavioral course, because discipline is confusing. But there are research back game plans that you can start using today to shift tough behaviors, while also protecting your kid's self-esteem and protecting your relationship with them. Skills for them and less chaos in your home for you. It's a win. Just visit biglittlefeelings.com slash courses and you'll see everything you need there. Okay, besties, we're going to be sending Kristin and Tyler all the good vibes as they continue to recover and heal from everything. We'll be seeing them very soon. And as for me, well, I have to go meet Mike and clean up the kitchen, honestly, one of my least favorite things to do. But hey, at least I'm not catastrophizing it. I'm just going to go get it done. You know what I mean? The faster I do it, the faster I'm in my bed and watching Age of Attraction. I don't know if you've been watching that. It's a new show on Netflix. It is interesting. And I also want to hear your thoughts on that in the comments. Okay, let's check back in next week on it. Okay, besties. Bye. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.