Invisible Grief: How Hidden Loss Holds You Back (and how to release it) | Dr. Lucy Hone

Griff is the difference between where your life is and where you thought it would be. And so, you know when you think of it like that, it is so validating for people because they start to realize that that awful feeling that they are experiencing, that exhaustion, that confusion, those acute emotions, those different difficulties with friendships and relationships all come down to the fact that actually there's undiagnosed grieving going on here. So, there's a moment many of us know, usually around 3am when something you thought you had processed comes back like it never left. The exhaustion you can't explain, the fog that makes even simple things feel kind of impossible, we tend to blame all of this on stress or on not sleeping. What the science actually suggests is that a lot of it may be grief and that most of us have been walking around carrying losses we never fully named, here's the part that stopped me. Grief is not just what happens when someone passes or dies. Grief is the difference between where your life is and where you thought it would be. The relationship that slowly came apart, the career that stopped feeling like yours, Dr. Lucy Hoan has spent her career studying resilience. She's also lived through a loss that would break most people, the death of her 12 year old daughter in a car accident and she will be the first to tell you that everything she thought she knew had to be completely rebuilt. Her new book, How Will I Ever Get Through This, it's the distillation of that rebuilding, both the science and the lived truth of it. I'm Jonathan Fields and this is Good Life Project and the place I want to start with Lucy is the thing almost nobody in her field was willing to say when she started singing. We'll jump in right there after this short break. When considering care for a loved one with dementia, you want peace of mind that they'll be in the very best hands, with care delivered by expert teams and supported to live life happily, comfortably in a dedicated environment that supports independence. You can expect all of this and more with Southern Down Care Home. You're invited to our open day on Saturday the 20th of June to take a look around our home and discuss what support you need. Visit barchester.com slash open day for more information. Hello, it's Giovanna Fletcher from Happy Mum and I'm sponsored by Motoway, the easy way to sell your car for a great price. As a mum, anything that helps take a little bit of mental load off is a win and Motoway really does that. You can get an instant valuation, add your car details straight from your phone and then it goes into their daily online auction where over 8,000 verified dealers all compete to give you their best offer. It just takes the stress out of something that can feel a bit daunting. You don't need to know all the ins and outs. Motoway pretty much walks you through it step by step and on average sellers get £1,600 plus more than a part exchange. Claims apply see Motoway.co.uk forward slash claims. Find out what your car is worth today at Motoway.co.uk and if you sell your car on Motoway this June you could even be in with a chance of winning a BMW 1 series worth over £40,000. Your work begins with an interesting and probably you could argue confronting truth that suffering in particular loss is a part of being human. Why is this such an important place to start this conversation? As you say I think it is absolutely critical to know this in your bones that everybody struggles and suffers and I think it's particularly important to know this in the era that we live in now Jonathan because we live in an era of perfectionism and happyology and neither actually reflect the reality of our lived experience because I don't know if you've seen my TED talk but at the beginning of it I ask people to stand up if and I go through a series of questions. Have you ever lost someone you truly love, ever had your heart broken, been through a divorce, a victim of infidelity? Have you struggled with fertility, had a miscarriage and abortion, been through a lived through a natural disaster, had to migrate? That's before we get into mental illness and physical impairment or unwanted diagnosis and obviously as you can imagine, as your listeners will be able to imagine, within 90 seconds the whole room is standing and so there's your lived proof that everybody struggles and suffers and what worries me and why I have really focused on this area and my research in the past few years is that we are living in a world where we're pretending that that's not true so then that adds a whole layer of harm and struggle and imposter syndrome to our already challenged lived experience. Yeah I mean that last part is so salient because we do, you look at social media and I actually feel like this may be changing and probably not for good reason just because it's so much harder to deny the fact that somebody is just suffering but we do have a pretty considerable history of people sharing their shiny happy cells and even when they're struggling keeping that very private and then just like the public dialogue is the way to live is to aspire towards always happy all the time and when you're not there which nobody truly is, shame enters the equation. Yeah absolutely and we've had a pretty hard couple of years in our house. My husband has adjusted out of running a really big building company to starting in a software startup that is related to building but it's been tough and in that time I've really noticed how I've reminded myself that boy happiness is a continual work on isn't it and the harder I work the less time I have to do all of the things that truly make me happy so you just have to keep working on it but one of my other live truths is that I've also learned like literally viscerally I've learned that it is possible to live and grieve at the same time and to be have moments glimmers of happiness even when we are going through our hardest days and those experiences of positive emotions we mustn't quash you know you've got to hang on to those like a lifeline. Yeah are you open to exploring that more I know for you you know like you this is not just your work it's deeply personal. Yeah so some of your listeners might know but some might not that I was already studying I'm a researcher in resilience psychology and I was finishing a series of studies from my doctoral thesis on in resilience psychology and well-being science firstly when I began that PhD the city I live in Christchurch was hit by a series of devastating quakes so that really shook me up literally and taught me an awful lot more than I'd ever learned in the classrooms at the University of Pennsylvania where I'd first studied but at the end of my PhD oh on a terrible unsuspecting Saturday afternoon in June we lost our 12 year old daughter in a tragic car accident alongside her best friend and her best friend's mum who was a really good friend of mine so we you know I kind of thought I knew a lot about my field and that day and the days the weeks the months and the years of integrating Abby's loss into our life story have really changed everything I understand and made my work change and shift as well which is why I do so much on loss now. Boy has that little girl taught me so much you know as much I might have taught her a few things in her her very short life but she has taught me so much more in the subsequent years. I mean it's when things come home to you in that way you know it's especially when you've been studying something academically for a while and and then it becomes deeply personal and lived oftentimes I've had many conversations with friends with colleagues with guests on this podcast over the years where they have experienced just deep profound personal loss in that way and people who have studied had handle moments like that and to the one they've responded in some way of sharing look everything I thought I knew went out the window when I was dropped to my knees that didn't mean that it wasn't all there for them or it wasn't right it just meant like they were really struggling to access it when it became their own. It's funny though because equally I know in the moment that the policeman came to tell us you know that moment that every parent dreads there's a policeman on the phone and he wants to speak to you and it took him 20 minutes from the phone call to get to us so we were doing a bit of very fast anticipatory dread and grief but once you said it I do think in some ways my learning or my resilience instincts kicked in because I had this sense of my life path splitting and when I'm speaking I do lots of keynote speaking I have a slide with a you know a life path splits because that is what it does doesn't it and suddenly we were forced to go down some completely unexpected road and I remember thinking and I looked back on it and I was almost embarrassed with myself in the months afterwards because in that second I remember thinking well that is your life path Lucy now time you know you time to choose time to sink or swim was the good old cliche that went through my head and I also know that within that first hour the word mission had come to me which is so prevalent in resilient psychology research that people have this survivors mission so I don't know whether it was my training or whether in some ways these skills are so deeply hardwired into us this determination to survive come what may you know it's not pretty and it's not what you wanted it's downright awful but actually there is this incredible human determination to somehow adapt and get through all of the awfulness we are faced in our lives hmm so when you shared that in in this moment you had been studying resilience before and this shifted the way that you were focusing your energies was that are you describing a move towards the the interaction or the relationship between resilience and loss or grief or was there a different shift yes I think that was the biggest shift for me is that I had conceptualized conceptualized resilience really thinking about our response to all kinds of potentially traumatic events and I'd live through the earthquakes and my parents had separated and and I had lost my mum very young and you know when she was 63 so I'd been through grief before but not this kind of earth life shattering grief that really does make you question everything that smashes apart what we call your assumptive world all these deeply held core beliefs the assumptions we make about how our lives are going to unfold how we should behave and how others should behave and so it sent me in a search for to really understand the processes of coping with substantial loss and at that point where everything I had to learn from scratch was I had to learn about bereavement but when I started reading the bereavement journals all of the peer reviewed scientific literature at the time on the field of Thanatology as it's called I was really appalled to realize how little my field of resilience psychology had overlapped had made it to Thanatology and how costly that is for people so when I I ended up writing a book resilient grieving in the year after Abbey died and I wrote it because there was nothing I could find to read and the truth is when I wrote it I was nervous that I would get slammed for putting more pressure on those who were grieving because I wanted to be you know what I now realize is an agente griever or you know an active participant in my grieving process but no one was talking that language back then and so I was really worried Jonathan that I would be slammed at the time yeah I mean I'm not surprisingly because there is this there there's a risk of sort of being the hey let's bring toxic positivity to the experience of profound loss which people don't feel good about and and to a certain extent rightly so depending on how it's framed and because it can layer of expectation that leads to impossibility and then shame it just deepens the feeling so I understand that hesitance and at the same time you're coming at it saying I'm I'm I'm a scientist I'm a researcher I there are tools there are skills that I know can help this process so why aren't we talking about it in this context I also want to broaden this out a little bit because when we talk about grief or loss oftentimes you know the first thing that we think about is is a person in our lives but this isn't only about that like we can experience loss and grief in many different domains it's so true so um are you aware that I've just written a new book um on live what I call living losses because people kept coming to me saying that they'd read resilient grieving but no one had died and what kind of resources did I have for them given that their partner had walked out their door given that their brother had dementia which was true in my case um and all of these other I remember a woman who was estranged from her three children and she came to me and did one of my grief courses online courses and I just was staggered that I really hadn't paid attention to the fact that so many people had these living losses um and so that really did change how I approached this work and made me encourage me to go and do some new research looking into what is the grief look what does the grief look like when it's associated with living losses so by that I mean all of those things let's just get clear what do I mean by living loss um so any kind of relationship breakdown um anytime a natural disaster forces you to rethink your world whether you stay in your home or not down to you had that conversation with Gretchen Rubin recently about empty nesting well you know that there's real grief associated with that as you too highlighted and then there is the grief of struggling with fertility um and abortion and miscarriage all those things I listed at the beginning so but once I started digging into the research it became really apparent that people only associate grief when there's a funeral as you say you know we only think of grieving the death of someone not something and my favorite definition of grief is that grief is the difference between where your life is and where you thought it would be and so you know when you think of it like that it is so validating for people because they start to realize that that awful feeling that they are experiencing that exhaustion that that confusion those acute emotions those different difficulties with friendships and relationships all come down to the fact that actually there's undiagnosed grieving going on here and if you just understand grieving a bit more then it helps us get through all of those tough events so I don't want to make everybody feel worse by the fact that they're grieving but actually I want to make them feel better just to say this is all quite normal natural what you're feeling but actually it is grief and if you know it's grief and you know that there aren't five stages of grief and that there isn't a time frame around it and we can bust some of those myths then actually you're going to feel a whole lot better about your lived experience right now and we'll be right back after a word from our sponsors when considering care for a loved one with dementia you want peace of mind that they'll be in the very best hands with care delivered by expert teams and supported to live life happily comfortably in a dedicated environment that supports independence you can expect all of this and more with southern down care home you're invited to our open day on saturday the 20th of june to take a look around our home and discuss what support you need visit budgester.com slash open day for more information hello it's Giovanna Fletcher from happy mum and i'm sponsored by motorway the easy way to sell your car for a great price as a mum anything that helps take a little bit of mental load off is a win and motorway really does that you can get an instant valuation add your car details straight from your phone and then it goes into their daily online auction where over 8000 verified dealers all compete to give you their best offer it just takes the stress out of something that can feel a bit daunting you don't need to know all the ins and outs motorway pretty much walks you through it step by step and on average sellers get 1600 pounds plus more than a part exchange claims apply see motorway.co.uk forward slash claims find out what your car is worth today at motorway.co.uk and if you sell your car on motorway this june you could even be in with a chance of winning a BMW 1 series worth over 40 000 pounds. I love the invitation that you're offering which is can we just normalize this and say like we're all going through this on some level and we're going to weave in and out of it you know like big and small throughout our lives so let's let's let's not even call this like a disorder this is just this is an essential experience in life so how do we move through it with as much understanding and compassion and skills and ease as we can you know one of my absolute favorite lines is that we're real not perfect so and it is that's it is this oh is the word dance I think Jonathan sometimes it's this ongoing tension duality dance between focusing on what we can control and noticing and leaning into the good stuff in life and hoping for the best and at the same time keeping that realism and pragmatism that even in the best of times there are awful days and in the worst of times there can be good moments and the life is so much more complex but doable than we have given it credit you right you say that in moments like these there's a bit of a universal question that so many people ask how will I ever get through this what's underneath this question doubt so first let me address the question that as I said that I wrote this new book which is called that how will I ever get through this because first of all I wanted to deliver some kind of useful information a guide a validation of that living loss experience but I became curious to know what are the questions that people ask themselves that are whirling around in their head when they are going through some awful stress stressful life experience and I had a kind of hunch of what they might be because people are always asking them when they come to work with me but so Ruben Rusk and I did some research now 18 months ago where we asked people yeah what are the questions and we came from that they the participants came up with the top 10 questions that people typically ask themselves when they're going through some awful life event and the number one question was how will I ever get through this and in and so then in each of the first 10 chapters of the book I go through the first those 10 questions and respond to them and in that first chapter it's really my response is to your question you know why do we ask this because we have this huge doubt and reticence that oh we just firstly we know it's going to require so much energy to go through this awful thing and reinvent ourselves and understandably none of us want to do that so I think there is a bit of a oh please tell me I don't have to do that in fact as I say this it reminds me a bit of childbirth the beginning when you're like oh surely I don't have to go and do that again but I think it'll say there is huge doubt and we see this in the literature that people doubt that they have the capacity to get through calamitous change but really we also see in all of the science that humans are incredibly adaptable and that's my job is to tell the untold story of human resilience that actually most people get through all kinds of awful potentially traumatic events using very ordinary processes we're hardwired to cope you know adapting to change is part of our inherited DNA so we don't like it it's awful but it is truly possible it takes a lot of hard work and people report that they these experiences change them that they come out the other side realizing they are so much stronger than they ever imagined I mean that also brings in brings into the conversation a phrase that you used a bit earlier when we were talking assumptive world you know we we all navigate our worlds assuming a lot of things are and aren't true are and aren't you know possible or people who will or won't be there that we just you know and whatever world we live in we tend to assume this is the world we will continue to live in including all the beings that populate that world take me more into the concept of the assumptive world because you know I think part of what we're talking about here is the complete explosion of that world and how do you reassemble the pieces well put that's exactly it really and and when I wrote resilient grieving I remember writing so this is in 2015 the year after Abbey died and I remember writing that some it felt like someone had put a wrecking ball into our lives and just smashed the whole thing apart and so that's exactly psychologically what is going on that as humans we have unwittingly built these assumptions about how our lives will be and how they will unfold and how we will behave and the grandchildren we will have or the children we will have and the husband wife we will be and the incredible career we will have and the pets at our side and and all of these things but of course it's kind of absurd that we do this isn't it because I'm sure we do it because it keeps hope alive and it keeps us going it keeps us motivated to keep trying but of course it's so not true and all of us experience unwanted change in our lives and the bigger the smashing apart of your assumptive world the harder you have to work to rebuild it and in resilient grieving I ended up describing this as a jigsaw puzzle because it really did feel like someone had come in and thrown the jigsaw puzzle of our lives onto the floor and what we were doing as a family in the aftermath of Abby's death was relearning to live in the world you and rebuilding a world without her maybe without with a piece of the jigsaw always missing but it was our heavy lifting our job to really start to rebuild a world not completely from scratch because some things were still true and for anyone who's listening I would encourage that question you know if you feel like your assumptive world has been smashed apart hold on to what is still true double down on those things and then in time I used to think of every little insight little aha moments something I would learn or some practice I would bring into my life that helped me navigate that appalling process I would think of them as those little pieces of jigsaw that was slowly coming into my world and rebuilding it rebuilding the coherence and the filler picture and some kind of new world order and in many ways I think what we are doing when we are grieving is cobbling back cobbling together a new operating system that is now fit for purpose that can withstand these things that we now know to be true that people can get an unwanted diagnosis that your partner can suddenly discover that you know actually that's dementia not forgetfulness that someone can walk out the door that even your child can die or be diagnosed with some awful terrible thing and it is that integration of these terrible truths into our life schema we call it in psychology you know your longer life story that is the heavy lifting of what all of this processing and questioning and grappling is all about and it's you know I just want to say to anyone who's in it right now oh it's exhausting you know and I just see so many people who are in the trenches grappling to rebuild their lives and my heart goes out to you but I also see so many people who have come out the other side and say well I wouldn't have chosen that for anything but boy have I learned some important life lessons I want to touch back on something that you shared also you were describing this feeling there was so many people experiencing grief or loss they have feelings that are embodied you use the word exhausted this can show up as physical exhaustion emotional exhaustion brain fog cognitive fatigue all these different things and we don't always realize that this may be directly connected to the loss that we've experienced what's happening here it's so interesting isn't it so when I did that research asking people what were the questions that went whirling around in their head when they were experiencing some big stressful life event the number one question was a question they asked was how will I ever get through this the number two was why do I feel so physically exhausted and I wasn't that surprised I was surprised it came in at number two but I I hear that from my clients all the time people come to me on my courses saying oh I just I just hadn't like thank you for saying the exhaustion is part of it because I hadn't understood that and yet I can barely get out of bed and so I I think we intuitively get that going through some big event is emotionally draining but we we're not so good at competent at connecting the emotional drain with the physical embodied drain and of course we're all slowly starting to understand our nervous systems a bit better so I think it is helpful if people if you just think of your nervous system and understand that when you are going through a stressful life event your stressed response is dialed up all the time something awful has happened so your brain is in survival mode saying I've got to watch out here I've got to be on red alert something awful has happened more awful things might happen watch out like literally you can hear the siren going off and when the siren is going off your entire body is focused on dealing with that threat and so all of the other there's no rest you know no rest and relaxation no rest and reset so we're just exhausted because we are permanently on and once you're permanently on it's really hard to sleep which is why we all wake up at two thirteen a.m or can't get to sleep and then layer on top of that of course the fact that we are so digitally connected now we're always staring at our phones and our laptops and our tablets so that just makes the sleep harder so I think there's a cocktail of bad things going on here that contribute to that exhaustion but mainly with the people I work with they're just relieved to know that it's not just them that actually grieving is an exhausting process I get very cross when people say grief is an emotion this grief isn't a it's not just one emotion it's a whole multitude of emotions very often you know you can experience so many of them in a minute but more than that it isn't just about emotions you know we grief really hits us it challenges our relationships it challenges our view of the world so we've got that cognitive overload as you say and it yeah it depletes us physically so there's a lot going on yeah and it and it shows up you know in a very somatic way and so many people you know one of the other things that you also explore is the role of acceptance and and that word can be a very loaded word in the context of loss it can sound almost you know offensive to someone who is in deep grief so how do how do we or how do you define acceptance in a way that actually supports healing well said I think that is so true that nobody wants to be told that they just have to accept it and move on that's not helpful at all is it so in my world in my work I like to distinguish between acceptance and coming to terms with and it's funny language is so important isn't it people people get that coming to terms with sounds like a process that's going to take longer whereas acceptance feels like one word that is just too abrupt and needs to be done right now but I often challenge people in my courses and in this new book I have said you know if you feel like you can't you haven't accepted it then I would question why you've bought the book you know and that is kind of a signal or if you're on one of my grief courses that is kind of yeah a manifestation of the fact that you clearly have accepted this thing has happened so acceptance is very different to coming to terms with which takes longer and also I think it's helpful to get people to understand that acceptance isn't condoning it's not saying that I'm okay with this it's actually saying I'm going to accept that this awful thing has happened because once I accept that it has happened I can actually address the process of coming to terms with so I think if you think of it as the opposite of denial so you were either in denial this has not happened or we're in acceptance well just let's let's lower let's lowercase acceptance too and just go you're just accepting that this awful thing has happened you're not accepting that it's good you're not saying yee-ha and you're not condoning any aspect of it you're just taking a big deep breath and accepting and acknowledging the brutal reality and the truth so that you can focus all of your limited energy and attention and resources on working out what you need to get through the next hour day week a month to enable you to find your way to better days ahead and we'll be right back after a word from our sponsors when considering care for a loved one with dementia you want peace of mind that they'll be in the very best hands with care delivered by expert teams and supported to live life happily comfortably in a dedicated environment that supports independence you can expect all of this and more with southern down care home you're invited to our open day on saturday the 20th of june to take a look around our home and discuss what support you need visit budgestor.com slash open day for more information hello it's Javanafletcha from happy mum and i'm sponsored by motorway the easy way to sell your car for a great price as a mum anything that helps take a little bit of mental load off is a win and motorway really does that you can get an instant valuation add your car details straight from your phone and then it goes into their daily online auction where over 8 000 verified dealers all compete to give you their best offer it just takes the stress out of something that can feel a bit daunting you don't need to know all the ins and outs motorway pretty much walks you through it step by step and on average sellers get 1600 pounds plus more than a part exchange claims apply see motorway.co.uk forward slash claims find out what your car is worth today at motorway.co.uk and if you sell your car on motorway this june you could even be in with a chance of winning a BMW 1 series worth over 40 000 pounds. I have i'm somebody who i've tinned this there's a sound that is perpetually in my head but um it was diagnosed with the first 15 years ago and and i struggled fiercely fiercely fiercely for a long time until i sort of retrained my brain to be completely more or less okay with it but before before i could hit that point i woke up every day and i was fighting with my brain and fighting against something that nobody else could hear or see or or connect with in any meaningful way and one of the things that i realized i was fighting with was the loss of this assumptive world the loss of like this this idea that i would never again in my life hear silence this like feeling that this thing would you know that telling myself the story that this would stop me from doing all the things that would joyfully do would disconnect me from people my bad assumptive world it blew up from simply my brain generating a tone that wasn't native to my past experience the moment that i basically said okay this is here i've done all the obvious things and the unobvious things and the weird shamanic things and it's still sticking around and i literally said to myself if this is me for life then what that was when i stepped into a mode that started to really facilitate me changing the way that i related to this thing that would walk with me for the rest of my life um and i feel like that was my version in that in that moment of acceptance and another sort of like off-brand example of a loss yeah so it's just fascinating isn't it and then the process of coming to terms with does that resonate with you as well yeah 100 and then like what skills can i build how can i think about this differently and it's this process of integration that you've described that you write about you know and we you know that's been a part of this conversation you know it's it's this whole idea of i'm not getting i'm not getting over this i'm not getting past it so how do i walk with it knowing that it may well mean that i am differently in the world for the rest of my life um you know and it's interesting also because i repressed a lot of the emotion around this i didn't share it with anyone because then it would be too real um and i didn't know how people would respond to it because nobody knows how to and this is i mean this is such a minor thing in the context of some of the things that we're talking about but for me it was at the in the moment fairly existential you know this is one of the other things that you explore is this notion of um emotional processing during times like this and emotional sharing and and and doing this in community and how oftentimes community doesn't know how to respond to us in a way that's helpful and we don't actually we pull back whether it's part of our family culture or local culture you know like or you know like maybe just you you live in an area where it's repression and constraint of emotion is sort of like rewarded this is the way to be stoic um not helpful no not helpful and so fascinating that you literally disenfranchised your own grief there so you diminished yeah so let me explain for listeners so disenfranchised grief is essentially the fact that society has put a hierarchy around grief there are some griefs somebody dying a child dying being right up there at the top is this is this is and i'm talking about this less from a personal perspective and more from a kind of research perspective so we unwittingly again have this kind of hierarchy around well that's the worst grief um and then your tinnitus is definitely the the most tiniest grief ever well i reckon that noise in your head is a pretty massive process and adjustment that you have to come to terms with and what i hear in my work is it's just not helpful to do this hierarchical thing and particularly is it what happens is one of its side effects is that it disenfranchises people's right to emotionally process what they're going through and ask for help so so many of these living losses particularly are disenfranchised pet loss being one of them um dementia any kind of ambiguous loss where someone's still there or not there there and not there i should say so family estrangement which is growing fast i think about a quarter of families in america currently experience estrangement with one family member or more so those people are still alive physically absent mentally present and any kind of degenerative disease like dementia is the opposite where they are physically present but emotionally and cognitively changed or absent and so of course there's grief associated with those things but because these people are still around it's just much hard society hasn't worked out how to deal with this which is why we call it disenfranchised grief and i do hear this in my work all the time i was staying with a friend the other night and she is potentially about to lose her job and she i said to you should read my new book i literally wrote it for those kind of circumstances and she said oh but you know i'm not grieving that's not grief i i don't i don't feel i have the right to agree and i said i'm standing in front of you holding my new book saying i wrote it for that circumstance and your grief is your grief you're allowed to feel sad and confused and anxious and all of these difficult emotions emotions when your life is different to how you thought it would be so if we go back to that definition again jonathan that's exactly what was going on for you isn't it there was a yawning gap between how you thought your life would be and this new threatened reality and so i it's not helpful to disenfranchise and not acknowledge people's grief and my real secret wondering is how much of the mental health burden at the population level is this kind of unacknowledged grief where people just don't understand that they are experiencing all of these difficult emotions because they their life is different as you said different between expectation and reality and and that worries me you know one of the things that is woven through your work and through this book is this notion of post-traumatic growth how do we tip the scales in favor of that so the first response i have to that is that actually people do it unwittingly so my stressful life events study showed that 81 percent of people said that their experience the thing that they had lived through had changed their beliefs completely so this smashing apart of your assumptive world to a point that you have to do the really hard work to rethink everything that you thought you knew to be true about the world it is that really hard work the struggle to come to terms with that actually delivers the growth so isn't that a funny thing that we are so tentative and afraid and we push back against struggle and yet is the struggle that is the great revealer of who and what matters most and in a strength we never really imagined we had of yeah what is what matters to us in life and our incredible ability to adapt so i i i i'm very tentative when i say struggle is your friend because i hate that friend struggle you know it's it's a what is it's kind of your worst friend um but your greatest teacher and what i've seen through my conversations with clients and through pouring over the hours of the you know research and reading their stories is that people change their world view and and they really do in the nature of the struggle it forces them to work out who and what matters most of them but i also think there is another answer to this question which is that people just are so much more familiar with post-traumatic stress than post-traumatic growth so when i'm doing one of my keynotes and i'm standing in front of a really huge audience i'll say to them you know put your hand up if you've heard of post-traumatic stress and everyone puts their hands up and then when i ask them put your hand up if you've heard of post-traumatic growth only a smattering of people put their hand up and that is um either it's not really academic negligence but it's a failure in science communication because if we take the military personnel out of these figures i'm about to give you and we just look at the general population then the approximate levels of post-traumatic stress are around eight percent compared to around 60 percent for post-traumatic growth and when i'm doing a keynote i get people to kind of guess they cannot believe nobody imagines that the levels of post-traumatic growth would be that high and so the facts are there the science has shown that most people in their efforts and struggle to relearn how to live in the world after one of these really awful events has occurred that most people actually go on to say yeah i am a different person you know when you go through these things you don't bounce back i really hate that that phrase for um or description of resilience because i definitely didn't feel like tigger you know i wasn't very bouncy for a long time after abbey died and you never go back because these big events of our lives these death losses these living losses they absolutely change us they leave an imprint on us and we are never the same we know new things we've seen how people respond we've lost friends we've made friends and we've learned so much about ourselves that of course we are completely different people and very often people will say to me i am so much stronger than i ever thought i would be someone's been joining us for this conversation um they have either just experienced a profound loss or maybe they're in it right now they're barely holding it together what does resilience actually look like for them when they wake up tomorrow morning such a good question so my first thing i would say to people is um you do you it is the most important thing to understand that resilience we have all have different recipes so what works for me the ways of thinking acting and being that work for me jonathan are likely to be different to the ways of thinking acting and being that work for you so the most important thing for anybody who is in that acute moment right now where something has just happened in the past days weeks or months is to understand that you just have to survive this acute bit so do what helps you and not what harms you do your way of getting through the day don't compare yourself to others because one of the most important scientific findings in the most in the recent years about grief is that grief is as individual as your fingerprint everybody responds to these big events of our lives differently so don't compare yourself to your brother your sister your best friend your work colleagues the people in your village if it's just been hit by a natural disaster your partner your parents you have to find your way through this and you do so by paying attention to what helps you instead of what harms you in the micro moments of your day but i'd also say right at the beginning be kind to yourself lower the bar you know your old world has gone understand that this is all absolutely exhausting but never give hope never give up hope that you will somehow get through this because humans are incredibly adaptable this might not be what you wanted but truly you can find your way through this feels a good place for us to come full circle in our conversation as well so in this container of good life project if i offer up the phrase to live a good life what comes up to live a whole life to accept it all to accept the good and the bad that there will be all of it for me personally to remember to balance work which i get so much satisfaction and meaning from with the things that give me joy which is being out in those wild landscapes to get out of the city and back really into deep nature and to nurture and look after and always stay close with those i love wherever they are in the world. Thank you so let's talk about some of the big a haas and actionable takeaways from this conversation the thing i keep sitting with from the conversation it's the definition grief is the difference between where your life is and where you thought it would be that is it that one sentence it just opens a door that most of us have never been through because we've spent years disenfranchising our own experience telling ourselves you know that what we're carrying does not really count because nobody passed or died three things i want you to hold from what lucy shared first grief is not an emotion it is a full body experience and the exhaustion the fog the sleep disruption are not separate problems they are the same thing second the people who come through loss with something gained are not special the research shows it actually happens to roughly 60 of us not because those people had more resilience but because the struggle itself when you stay in it rather than running from it is what does the work and third acceptance is not condoning it is not saying you are okay with what happened it is lowering the barrier to reality so you can focus your energy on what actually comes next and if you're in something hard right now the question lucy kept returning to the simplest compass she found is is this helping me or harming me not is it comfortable not is it the right thing to feel just is it helping or harming that one question in the micro moments of an ordinary day is ordinary magic and hey before you go next week i'm going solo to talk about something that i think a lot of us are kind of carrying without telling anyone the conversations we know we need to have with the people who matter most to us and why we keep finding reasons not to have them the research turns out to be really clear on this we consistently overestimate how bad it will be and underestimate how much it costs us to stay silent that one's coming next week so be sure to follow good life project wherever you get your podcasts so you don't miss any upcoming episodes and do me a personal favor a seven second favor share this conversation with one person who might need it right now then use it as a reason to actually talk you know about what you've discovered what landed what it brought up because that is how we all come alive together this episode of good life project was produced by executive producers lindsay fox and me jonathan fields editing helped by troia young chris carter crafted our theme music and of course if you haven't already follow us wherever you get your podcasts so you never miss a conversation until next time i'm jonathan fields signing off for a good life project when considering care for a loved one with dementia you want peace of mind that they'll be in the very best hands with care delivered by expert teams and supported to live life happily comfortably in a dedicated environment that supports independence you can expect all of this and more with southern down care home you're invited to our open day on saturday the 20th of june to take a look around our home and discuss what support you need visit budgastor.com slash open day for more information hello it's javanna flecha from happy mum and i'm sponsored by motelway the easy way to sell your car for a great price as a mum anything that helps take a little bit of mental load off is a win and motelway really does that you can get an instant valuation add your car details straight from your phone and then it goes into their daily online auction where over 8 000 verified dealers all compete to give you their best offer it just takes the stress out of something that can feel a bit daunting you don't need to know all the ins and outs motelway pretty much walks you through it step by step and on average sellers get 1600 pounds plus more than a part exchange claims apply see motelway.co.uk forward slash claims find out what your car is worth today at motelway.co.uk and if you sell your car on motelway this june you could even be in with a chance of winning a BMW 1 series worth over 40 000 pounds