More Happier: Four Tendencies for Obligers—3 Challenges and How to Handle Them [Revisited]

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Whole Foods Market makes it easy to take it easy when it's dinner time. Save on regional flavors at Whole Foods Market. Hello and welcome to more Happier, a podcast where we get happier. Hi, Elizabeth. Hi, Gretch. Today we're sharing a frequently requested deep dive into the four tendencies, specifically focused on obligers and the very real stumbling blocks that do come with that tendency. Yeah, we heard from so many obligers after our last four tendencies episode. Yeah. And if you don't know what we're talking about, the four tendencies is the personality framework that I developed slash discovered to help people understand how they respond to expectations. Because if you understand how you respond to expectations, outer expectations and inner expectations, it becomes so much easier to figure out how to follow through on the things that you want to do. So if this is new to you, go back, listen to our episode from January 31st, 2026. And that is called Start and Stick to Anything Using the Four Tendencies. Or if you want, go to GretchenRubin.com slash quiz to take my free quiz. And that will tell you if you're an obliger, an upholder, a questioner, or a rebel and give you like a little report. But okay, let's just assume you already know your tendency. And especially if you're an obliger, this episode today is really for you. Yeah, we're revisiting some of the most common challenges. Us obligers, I am one, run into and sharing advice for managing these challenges so obligers can actually accomplish what we set out to do. So we talk about resisting pressure. We deal with the exploitation of obligers. We talk about obliger shame and solutions for obliger rebellion, that super interesting puzzling phenomenon. But first, we're going to start with one of the most important topics for obligers, and that is outer accountability. Obligers need outer accountability to follow through, but it can be surprisingly hard to create. So we're going to share some of our favorite listener ideas. There's tons of options to choose from. And as you may hear as you listen, I was a bit sick during this recording, so my voice sounds a little rough. Brace yourself. Here it is. Olivia said, I'm an obliger through and through, and having kids gives me that accountability. I have to be healthy both for them and to show them it's important to take care of oneself. So that's a double accountability. She wants to be a role model and she wants to be in shape. Kyra said, I've been listening to Happier for years and I'm grateful for your commitment to help us toward happier and healthier lives. I wanted to share a resource that has radically shifted my productivity game, the website focusmate.com. It's a virtual coworking platform that matches you up with a buddy for 25, 50 or 75 minutes. Each person shares on video at the beginning what their goals are for the session and review your progress at the end of the session. I've been known for being behind in my work, feeling heavy loads that only seem to become deeper, but I now use this system three times a week and have stayed on top of my workload for the past four months. I'm blown away. I feel lighter and more accomplished. I had no idea that this system could be a remedy to what I thought was unfixable. It's not me that's been the problem in productivity, but rather the tools I was using. Well, she said it perfectly. She said it perfectly. It's not that a certain tool isn't good. It just might not be the right tool for you. And if you are an obliger, you need a tool that's related to outer accountability. So absolutely. Sonia says, I'm an obliger and have worked on a number of accountability strategies. Having a personal trainer every week kept me doing my workouts on the other two days a week. Sharing goals with others and having a weekly check-in has also worked. I've even started involving my kids. I've signed my 13-year-old son and me up for a five-kilometer mud run. We have been going out running together, and I am committed to keep going, so I don't let him down. He is much fitter than I am, but we have to run as a team. Brilliant accountability. Yes. Jennifer said, I run a weekly Zoom session through my business where people can come and plan out their week. I often tell them that I appreciate them coming because it makes me accountable to show up and do my planning as well. Many people talk about using clients or customers or students as accountability. They're coming to you, but you're working for them too. Win-win. Kirstie says, if I invite someone for coffee, then the housework definitely gets done. That's a classic. Karen said, I set up weekly meetings with my key managers at work. Knowing I have a weekly touch base keeps me on track. Sarah said, I met someone through a local Facebook group who was looking for people to train with her for a 20-mile hike. I responded, then tried to quit a few times, but we ended up completing the hike in enough time to get a medal. Our next endeavor is a 10K in September. We both need tangible goals to exercise consistently. Create self-knowledge. Natalie said, after listening to you and reading your book, I realized I've been giving myself external accountability for many years. One example is I publicly tell my peers in one of my volunteer groups my aims and goals for that year and ask them for their aims and goals. Then I immediately schedule my ideas into my calendar. September said, I'm having a hell of a time finishing my thesis. I'm setting arbitrary deadlines with someone I don't want to disappoint to force myself to finish each section. It's working. I need deadlines. deadlines are essential. Jennifer said, obliger here. Fitness is the one area that I need a lot of accountability. I signed up for the 62 mile walk fundraiser for St. Jude's for the month of July. I had friends sponsor me and there is a Facebook page to update your results and support other walkers. I might choose a group every month to fundraise for to keep up my daily walking. I go on a two to three mile walk every morning now. I also have a friend that I meet three times a week too. In addition, I have the Pacer Fitness app on my phone. I have joined walking groups and challenges to earn virtual points and medals if I meet my daily and long-term goals. This also helps greatly too. Brilliant. And here's yet another one for exercise. And again, it's great to think of all of these accountability strategies because different ones will work for different people. Finally, Becky says, my sister talked me into joining a team where we virtually run or walk across Canada. We see the whole group's progress as it uploads automatically through Strava. I don't want to be the one who slows down the team, keeps me moving. So many people share the same of exercising. They're all obligers, and yet they found different ways to do it that work for them. It's great to see all the ingenuity people show. Yes, I love it. As an obliger, Gretchen, And I love reading these suggestions. Yes. So, Elizabeth, we know that obligers need outer accountability to meet an inner aim. But what we hadn't thought about was the obliger stumbling block that this listener wrote to us about. Yeah, this was one of those emails where I immediately thought, oh, I know that feeling. Yeah, a lot of listeners recognized it, too. Here's that message. This came from Gina. She said, is obliger shame a thing that's been discussed on the podcast or here? Has anyone else noticed this syndrome? I find that a lot of people have shame around the idea of needing external accountability. They think they should be able to do certain things on their own or that they shouldn't need help with certain things. They'll often avoid getting help or seeking accountability while shitting all over themselves, not getting the things done, feeling guilty about it, and further shaming themselves for it. I used to be this way big time, but thankfully I got over it. I'll take all the help and accountability I can get. And the grass is totally greener on the other side where I get more done and maybe have some company to boot. I say down with obliger shame for all. So Gretch, I love this And I brought this up to you because I said, have we talked about obliger shame? Like, I so relate to this. And I feel like so many obligers do. So we are addressing it today. Well, I've never heard this phrase obliger shame before, but I've certainly heard many obligers say this, that they feel sheepish or about the fact that they need outer accountability or they feel weak for needing outer accountability or that they want to evolve out of it. Like, oh, I have outer accountability now, but, you know, I want to kick the training wheels off and like evolve into being inner accountability. To me, I so I mean, I will I object to this or I don't I don't know how to say it. Like this makes me this makes me sad. This makes me I'm like, no. Look, all of the tendencies have strengths and weaknesses. And so when you look at the people who are the happiest, healthiest, most productive and most creative, it's the people who have figured out the strengths and use the strengths. and have figured out the weaknesses and limitations and organized around that. And so for an obliger, it's like, yeah, you need outer accountability. And guess what? It's like the biggest group for both men and women. You've got plenty of company. Obligers need outer accountability. They do not evolve out of it. And there's nothing wrong with it. You are who you are You need what you need Set things up to suit yourself And I think sometimes this obligeration comes from upholders questioners and rebels who are sort of like well why do you need that Or I don need that so you wrong to need that Or you should learn to go without that. It also gets tied up into this idea of intrinsic motivation. And that's like a whole different way of looking at things, which I personally don't find as helpful as thinking about expectations, just in terms of understanding how to set yourself up for success. I understand intrinsic and extrinsic motivation in terms of why it's interesting to think about your values. And it's important. It's extraordinarily important to think about your values. But like, let's put all that aside and just focus on like, how do you get yourself to do what you want? Or how do you help someone else get what they want out of themselves? Right. Well, and I love what Gina said when she said, I love how I feel on the other side, which is getting things done. And then also, and she said, and to have company to boot. I mean, there are advantages to accountability partners and all of that because hiking with another person instead of hiking alone, for instance, is connections. So there are advantages to being an obliger and needing accountability. You can see it as a positive. Absolutely. And look, Obligers, some of the biggest, most successful, greatest leaders, greatest thinkers are obligers. You're exactly right. There's so much that comes with it. There's so much strength that comes from the obliger tendency. It feels like an obstruction to think, well, there's something wrong with it, or it has to be surmounted, or it has to be denied, or it's illegitimate in some way, It's less strong or it shows that you have less purpose. It's just a thing that some people need. And the question is, how do you get it in the way that's right for you? Like you say, some obligers get it through like a social connection and that can be great. But then there are obligers who are introverted, who don't want to get accountability through like a social interaction. There are solutions for them too. I've talked to so many obligers. There are so many imaginative, ingenious ways to get yourself out of accountability, to suit yourself, all the other aspects of your personality, how adventurous you are, how analytical you are, how extroverted you are. There's so many ways to do it, partly because there are so many obligers. There's many, many solutions because there's many people who need these solutions. But I think if you spend your time thinking like, how do I get the accountability in the way that feels right to me so I can do what I want? That's such a better use of your time and your energy than thinking, I need to change. There's something wrong with me. Other people do it better. Why do I need this? And feeling bad about it. Don't change who you are. Don't try to change who you are. Maximize who you are. Right. And there's no shame. Yeah, change your situation. Change your surroundings. Change the setup. Change your schedule. Change the things around you to suit you. Yes. Put the outside to suit you instead of feeling like you have to cram yourself into somebody else's model of what things should look like. Now, I have to say, I used to be terrible about this. I used to think, hey, and I'm an upholder, right? So I'm the least helpful. What works for me is so specific, which is everything, right? And I used to think, well, if it works for me, it will work for everyone. And if everybody would just get themselves organized and put it on the calendar and wake up early. And then I finally was confronting, like, it's not true. That isn't true. Just because something works for me absolutely doesn't mean that it works for anybody else. And so everybody has to think about themselves. And whatever you are, there's a lot of other people like that. You wouldn't say to them, oh, there's something deeply wrong with you. You need to change. You'd be like, no, let's just, yeah. So anyway, I have so many thoughts about this. I would be so curious to hear from other obligers. Again, I had never heard this phrase for it, which is a really harsh way of putting it, but I had heard many obligers say or suggest that they needed to change. Right. No, I thought when I read it, I thought, oh my gosh, this really taps into something that obligers feel, the shame that they can't be different. That's why we meet so many people who say, well, I'm an obliger, but I want to be an upholder. People say that all the time. Well, yeah. And I mean, somebody said, well, it might be straightforward to get out our accountability, but it's not easy. And that's true. Sometimes it might be burdensome or tricky to get yourself that outer accountability, but that's what you need. And by the way, questioners, upholders, and rebels are all dealing with their own issues. Like, there are things they're struggling with that you're not struggling with that you're just not aware of. Everybody's dealing with their stuff. Anyway, I'm so glad that Gina brought this up because this is something that's been in the back of my mind, but this really was like shining a spotlight on something that I think is really important to emphasize. And now we're going to take a short break. 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I know so many people who've experienced this. Gretchen, I'm going to have to forward them this episode. Jen said, I attended Gretchen's book tour stop in D.C. During the Q&A session, Gretchen commented, obligers may feel as if other tendencies are taking advantage of them, because they are. A nervous laugh spread through the crowd. Clearly, lots of upholders, questioners, and rebels realized the jig was up. This comment hit close to home, and I've been thinking about it for the past year. I'm an obliger married to a questioner and have three teen-tween children, two questioners, and one rebel. As a typical obliger, I am quick to drop whatever I am doing to attend to their requests, even though it has a significant impact on my schedule and ability to complete my professional projects. I work from home. If my actions were reciprocated by my family, I wouldn't be writing this. I find it a daily battle to keep my cool when questioned or ignored by family members every time I ask for help with household routines and chores. The household expectations have been clearly spelled out to everyone, but often these tasks are left for me. All the time spent helping my family and picking up the slack around the house eats into the time I have set aside for work. I feel overwhelmed, underappreciated, and frustrated by the inability to complete my work. Many days I lose my cool and experience full-on obliger rebellion. I have retaken the Four Tendencies quiz multiple times because it seems abnormal for an obliger to experience rebellion so frequently. However, it always affirms I am an obliger. What advice do you have for an obliger mom who wants to continue to nurture her non-obliger family while avoiding the pitfalls of being taken advantage of by non-obliger family members? Oh, Gretchen, I bet many, many, many people could have written this exact letter. Yes, absolutely. And I have so many thoughts. The first thing I would say is other tendencies, questioners, upholders, and rebels, they expect you to draw the lines yourself. They will not hold back from asking because they expect that you will say no the way that they would say no. They would all say it from their own perspective. They each have a slightly different perspective, but they would say no. And so remember, from their perspective, they are not being exploitative or inconsiderate. They're asking. They're taking their shot. Or maybe they're just not doing something and seeing how that plays out. And then it gets done, right? So that is working for them. So this is the coldness that often surprises obligers. Because the obliger says, if you ask me to do it, I'll do it. if I see that you need this done, I will do it for you, but you're not reciprocating for me. And this seems very cold. And they don't understand that from other people's perspective, they're just like, well, why would I do it? Or if I don't do it, you do it. That seems fine to me. Or, you know, I just want to ask you a lot of questions about it because I just need to know, I'll have a lot of reasons and understand exactly if we're doing the most efficient thing. So they don't perceive it the way you perceive it. And so in a way it might be just as annoying, but maybe it feels less personal. If you understand that this is really something that is coming from the nature of those tendencies, it's not because I think a lot of times with these kinds of situations, it feels very personal. Like someone is very personally doing something inconsiderate to you instead of like oh this is how they do So that the first thing I would say And then what can she do to make it better Okay right That the big question Always when you talking to an obliger and of course obliger is the biggest tendency This is the biggest tendency for both men and women. So I'm sure many listeners are obligers and have experienced this, is that you need outer accountability even to meet an inner expectation. So a lot of times, if you would complain about the situation to another tendency, they might say things like, well, you just need to have this firmer boundary, or you just need to say no, or you just need to make yourself the priority, or you need to take time for self-care, all this stuff. These are all good things to do, but they are not going to move the needle for an obliger. For an obliger, you need to have outer accountability. And here are some ways you could, in your own head, create outer accountability in this kind of circumstance with your family. The first one, Jen has already mentioned, which is obliger rebellion. The more resentful and angry you get, the more you are going to go into obliger rebellion. It is not uncommon for an obliger to be in full-on Obliger Rebellion for years. This is not good for anybody. You do not want to get into that situation. So maybe you say, if I don't draw a boundary and say no or refuse to help when you ask for my help, I'm going to go into Obliger Rebellion and that could really be destructive. And so I have to protect myself now in order to help protect you later because I might really step back from this in a way that wouldn't be helpful for anyone. And so that's one thing. Another one is think of your duty to be a role model, right? So these are children and you want to say, I want to be a role model for what it looks like for someone to establish boundaries or for someone to stand up for themselves. Like this is behavior that you want to show them how it looks like for an adult to do that. And so you have to do it in order to be that role model. You also don't want to create an environment where you're a negative role model of someone being exploited or someone being taken advantage of by inconsiderate family members or partners. You don't want to show that to them and be like, okay, this is okay as a dynamic because you're contributing to that dynamic. You don't want to contribute to that dynamic, but that is the dynamic that's being created. And you're sort of like, okay, I don't want to be a negative role model. I want to be a positive role model and I don't want to be a negative role model. Yeah. And Gretchen, another thing you can do is treat yourself like a best friend, Gretchen. And what would you tell your best friend in this situation? Yes. Do the same. Give advice to an imaginary best friend and then take that advice. Because we say treat yourself like a toddler, treat yourself like a professor. So treat yourself like a teenager. This is treat yourself like your best friend. But here's another thing, and maybe this is even the most practical, and this goes to the working from home, is something that often will work for obligers is to realize explicitly that they are in a situation where they have to say no to somebody. Because, you know, as an obliger, you want to meet outer expectations. And this is one of the most valuable things about obligers. And one of the reasons that everybody loves having them around is they're the people that go the extra mile to meet an outer expectation. But sometimes you're going to have to say no to someone. And so you make that very explicit. So you say to yourself, look, I have my obligation to work. I have my obligations to, whether it's a colleague or a client or a student or a boss or whoever it is you're working for, and saying, I told them I would get them this by six. If I say yes to you, child, I'm going to have to say no to that person. And even if it's not a deadline like that, it's just like, these are my commitments. I have to meet these commitments. And I'm going to say no to you because I have to say yes to these commitments. Because a lot of times obligers are like, well, I'll just crowd everything in. instead of saying, I'm saying no to you so I can say yes to someone else. That can often help. And Gretz, finally, just don't do the work. Don't do that load of laundry for your child or your husband. Don't clean the counter. Don't empty the dishwasher. Just let it go. Eventually, in theory, somebody else will do it, or at least there will be a serious discussion about it. Yes. This is the problem that arises when there's shared work. And running a household, that's a kind of shared work. And you're doing the work and you're doing other people's work and they're not doing their share. This is extremely frustrating. I wrote a whole article about the problem of shared work and different solutions for shared work. But again, as an obliger, you have to create accountability for not doing those things. So think to yourself, I want to be a role model for expecting every member of a household to contribute. And if I'm just doing all the work, I'm not modeling that. So that's a kind of accountability. So whatever works for the way you think, because obligers differ in what works for them. But just don't go ahead and do it. Because if you're going ahead and doing the work, everybody's like, well, whatever she's saying, I can just ignore it because everything's just going along fine. There has to become a point where work doesn't get done. And that's painful. And if there's certain things that are really important to you, maybe you want to take on those tasks because other people aren't doing them, pick things that you don't care about and assign those to people. because then if they are not getting done, you can stand it. Yes. Or maybe you do your own laundry and let other people do their own laundry. So you've got your clean socks, but let them worry about their own clean socks. It's funny, Gretchen, because I am an obliger, as you know, but this is not something I struggle with, although I know many do. Well, you know, you're an obliger who tips to upholder. And I would say from this question that Jen almost certainly is an obliger who tips to rebel. Yeah, and it's just, again, it's just this idea that just because two people are obligers, There's still going to be tremendous variety in how that expresses itself, how you address it, but it just gives you big, big clues on where to start. Now, time for a quick break. Lately, Jamie and I have been on a little flavor tour at Whole Foods Market. Instead of making the same three dinners over and over, we wander the aisles and pick a region to visit. It makes dinners feel less predictable. Last week, we leaned Mediterranean. Another time, we swung Latin-inspired. And we always keep San Pellegrino on hand because it instantly makes it feel like more of a fancy meal. Yeah, I love that at Whole Foods Market, you can really see the savings. Explore the store for yellow signs. you'll find them aisle after aisle highlighting sales and everyday low-priced items with the same high quality. Get inspired to try something new. And if you truly don't want to cook, that's me, the prepared food section saves me. Empanadas or burritos and dinner is just handled. Whole Foods Market makes it easy to take it easy when it's dinner time. Save on regional flavors at Whole foods market. Up next is something I think is probably the biggest issue for obligers, which is obliger rebellion. I've definitely been there. Yes, but once you understand what is going on, it becomes so much easier to catch that building anger, building resentment before it gets all the way to the point of obliger rebellion. Totally. Just having a name for it makes a big difference. You know, I always love to name something, Gretch. So we'll start with you, Grudge explaining what obliger rebellion is. Obliger rebellion is when obligers meet, meet, meet expectations, and then suddenly they snap and they say, this I won't do. And sometimes it's very beneficial, as one listener points out. Sometimes it can be kind of out of control and destructive. And in any case, it's very helpful for obligers to see that it's coming and have ways to deal with it. And so it was great to get all these ideas from Obliger listeners. Yes. As an Obliger, I appreciated these ideas. There are so many good ones. Yes. So Gretchen, the first idea comes from Letitia. She says, I'm an Obliger who has struggled for years with finding the right ways to harness my tendency to be a workaholic. I regularly experience burnout, put work ahead of my family and definitely myself and always take on too much. The problem is I'm in a workplace that rewards workaholic tendencies and my obliger husband, despite his protests, obliges my obliging. But I finally found the trick. I was handing some work back to one of my subordinates recently, also a workaholic, who I know is currently seeking professional help for his own case of burnout. After I had mentored him on some changes to make, he made a comment about envying my skill, knowledge, and efficiency in such a hectic, constantly pressuring environment and said he wished to be able to achieve the same. In that moment, I knew I wasn't doing him or myself any favors by maintaining the unmaintainable. Ever since that moment, I've had he and I both on a special work assignment that includes but is not limited to no such thing as an emergency, leaving the desk for lunch and breaks, time set aside for physical activity, and saying no or later to tasks. As a supervisor, I also make it a point to not text or call my employees while they are on vacation, and I refuse to call or check in while I am on vacation as well. This has paid off for both of us and has been key to helping me avoid what was almost one of the worst cases of obliger rebellion I've experienced in my career. Yeah, and Gretchen, it's interesting because it was only when she saw that she was sort of setting her subordinate up to have the same life that she has that she was able to change. Yes. Excellent. So yeah, you might be able to do it for someone else, even if it's hard for you to do it for yourself. This one, I have to say, I don't have the name of the person who wrote it because it was something somebody wrote to me a long time ago and I've lost the name. So I'm very sorry if you hear me reading this and I don't acknowledge you. This a pleasure said, it's hard for me to say no to outer expectations and I can overcommit easily. When a person asks for my help in some way, and I know I don't have time to help, or I just don't want to take on what they're asking me, I say to myself, I can't or won't do the thing they're asking, but what can I do for this person? For example, I can't organize the fourth grade Valentine's Day party, but I can offer to bring cookies. Even if the only thing I can do is wish the person well or write them a nice thank you note after the event they wanted me to help with, at least I feel like I am doing something for them. I can say no to the larger request, but say yes to something manageable for me. I have found this strategy helps keep obliger rebellion and guilt at bay at the same time because I'm not over committing and I'm not flat out saying no. So it's not saying the big yes, it's saying a smaller yes. I thought it was so clever. A good way to reframe and manage. Yes. Gretch Caroline says, I've experienced destructive phases of obliger rebellion. I've hit the self-destruct button on friendships, romances, and work relationships in the past with seemingly little warning and been as stunned as the other parties when it occurred because it is so out of character and seems to come from nowhere. I didn't understand these phases until I came across Gretchen's work on the four tendencies, which has literally been life-changing, and I will always be grateful to you for it. I find journaling helps. As part of my happiness project work, I start each day with a coffee and journal key events from the day before and my feelings about these events. Once a week, I have a look at any trends over the last week. And as part of the happiness project, I also do a month in review. Half the battle is identifying the underlying problem, which is building and which is typically accompanied by feelings of being overwhelmed, taking advantage of and or unappreciated. And journaling consistently helps with that. It is a form of monitoring. And as you say Gretchen you manage what you monitor This has definitely helped me get some perspective on what is happening and identify and manage any escalating problems before they become obliger rebellion triggers So this is a great suggestion, which is to use a journal. And actually, many obligers mentioned using record keeping and journals as a way to monitor that obliger rebellion was brewing. which was, I have to say, I did not know that this was such a common tool. That was a big insight for me to realize that so many obligers find that useful. Yeah. And this, this obliger had a different approach. Joe writes, I'm an obliger who's prone to obliger rebellion. And one of the strategies I found in the past to be helpful in preventing tipping into rebellion is to plan a no obligation weekend. In graduate school, whenever I found my calendar filling up with too many tasks and events, even fun ones, and I could feel the resentment creeping in, I would schedule a no obligation weekend. The rules are simple. There are no obligations. It doesn't mean that you don't do anything at all. You can have coffee with a friend or even clean your house if you feel like it. The key is that you're not obligated to do anything. You just get to do whatever you want during that weekend. There are no obligations. Now that I've got three kids and a full-time job, it's harder to squeeze in a whole no obligation weekend. But I find that regular doses of no obligation times, even one afternoon a week or an hour after dinner can still be really helpful in staving off Obliger Rebellion. So that's a great idea. Well, and here's one that's sort of adjacent to that idea from Erin. She says, one thing I've done over the years when I feel Obliger Rebellion coming on is I announced to my husband I'm going on strike. It's become a bit of a joke, but what it means is I literally take a week or a few off from all household chores, cooking, errands, etc. I only go to work and the rest of the time I'm free to do whatever I want. I do the bulk of the household work as well as the work outside of the home. I'm an obliger and he's a rebel. So this really does give me a break and it lets off enough steam to see me through. The phrase I'm going on strike is a whimsical way to announce that I'm struggling and need more support. I also do daily morning pages. These help me sort out when and why I'm feeling overburdened or taken advantage of. As you say, identify the problem. So another journaling. Another journaling one. And, you know, it's interesting that a lot of obligers can feel it coming. Because I think some obligers are kind of stunned and surprised. But it sounds like many obligers know to watch out for the signs. And I think that that can be very helpful when you start feeling it starting to overtake you. Meredith writes, when I'm overwhelmed by responsibilities and obligations, Obliger Rebellion tells me that the only way out would be to quit everything, move to a small town far away, and start my life over entirely. Of course, I could never actually do that, so I just trudge onward, feeling crushed by the weight of everyone's expectations and resentful toward all the things I've taken on. A few years ago, I happened upon the quote, if you get tired, learn to rest, not to quit. This was an aha moment for me. I have never actually quit anything, but I needed that reframing to ward off the full-on Obliger Rebellion that led to the urge to quit. My advice is simple, yet can be very difficult for obligers to implement. Sometimes you have to tell people that you're feeling burnt out and overwhelmed. As it turns out, most people don't want you to run yourself into the ground. You'll be surprised how others will step up if you take a step back. And I find that even saying out loud that I'm feeling overwhelmed helps the feeling go away. Sometimes being given the opportunity to rest is enough for me to say, actually, I'm okay, I can keep going. Other times I do take a breather or lighten my load. They're very helpful. Yeah. And Gretch, this comes from another listener. 11 years ago, before I knew anything about the four tendencies, I quit my job of 19 years and left a four-year toxic relationship. This happened in a span of a few months. I wanted to share the message that I don't think every obliger rebellion is a bad one, and perhaps trying to prevent them from happening is not always the best course of action. In my case, I went on to find a job that I love and also met the man who's now my husband. If I had just continued obliging and tried to suppress what I was feeling, I would not be in the happy place I am today. No one was more surprised than me when I quit my job that Tuesday morning, but it was the best decision I ever made and continuing to oblige in a relationship where doing so was equivalent to being controlled is never a good idea. I am so glad that in my case, I chose to rebel. It has been amazing to learn more about the four tendencies and to look back at those events and be able to put some context around what happened. This is an excellent, excellent point. I'm so glad that this was made because it's very true that obliger rebellion can be very beneficial. It can really get an obliger out of a situation that should be exited. And if you want to read a post that I wrote about the novel Remains of the Day and why obliger rebellion can sometimes be very powerful and Remains of the Day is an example of an upholder who didn't have Obliger Rebellion and how that really hurt him. I'll link to that if you want to read more about the good power of Obliger Rebellion. Anne wrote, as an obliger, I started to realize how often I was reaching my boiling point of Obliger Rebellion. As a way to consciously work on this, I made one of my 21 for 21 items, 21 days for myself. On these days, I give myself permission to do whatever feels right on that day, Whether it is to go for a walk along the river, take pictures at the zoo, or go to a bookstore for however long I want, I do whatever is going to help me reset inside. This keeps me from coming unglued in front of my family or making a decision I might regret and can't undo. Plus, it gives me time to reflect, journal. See, there's more journaling. And just breathe deeply so I can stay a little further away from the boiling point. And on top of all of it, I have the outer accountability of checking off my 21 for 21 list. So that's how she builds in that all-important accountability is through the 21 for 21 list. So that's very smart. Yes. Andrea says, I have a great example to share of obliger rebellion that my son has experienced at the end of first grade. This year has been taxing on all of our children with COVID, masking, Zooming, and all of the stresses of a global pandemic. My seven-year-old is usually very responsible when an adult sets an expectation, i.e. teacher, piano instructor, swim coach. As this school year comes to a close, he is burnt out. When asked where his homework folder was, he simply stated, I'm not doing it anymore. The folder is at school and I don't care that I will miss my recess tomorrow. I didn't question the behavior. He has a lot of reasons to be rebelling at this point. I immediately recognized this as a bliger rebellion junior. He's not trying to be disobedient or disrespectful to his teacher. What this child needs is a break. Thankfully, there are only a few days left in school before he starts a low-key, fun-filled summer to recharge before second grade. We talk about adults experiencing obliger rebellion, but it lives across all generations. Yes, see, that's really helpful to know it in your children. Emily writes, I'm an obliger and have had some huge rebellions in my life. When I was younger, I never saw them coming, but since reading your book, I've been able to sense a rebellion on the way. I've always struggled to say no, at work especially, and often find myself overwhelmed. Recently, something that helped me was reframing saying no as an opportunity for someone else. As a teacher, I was always leading committees, and I realized that while this drove me crazy, it would be a great leadership opportunity for newer teachers. When I went to my boss to decline yet another year of leading committees, I was able to feel generous about passing the baton to enthusiastic co-workers who had expressed interest. so what Emily's doing is she's saying no to give others an opportunity so that's a way to say no that feels like saying yes that's smart and this final comment will help you kind of realize how it's building she's Carly says I just figured out one of my warning signs of an oncoming obliger rebellion I rarely drink maybe three or four times a year but each time it's after a long day where I feel completely emotionally and physically spent. I just now correlated it with periods of obliger rebellion. My big symptom is canned wine. If I'm buying canned wine, watch out. Now I know to recognize that as an SOS and immediately indulge in some self-care before I really go off the rails. This is a tell. I'll post a link because we've talked about identifying your tells for when you're feeling anxious or overwhelmed. So that's great to have a tell for obliger rebellion. So thank you, everyone. This was extremely useful and enlightening to hear from so many obligers about how they think about Obliger Rebellion. So thanks for all those insights. So, Elizabeth, our resident obliger, are you feeling happier? I am. It really helped to be reminded of all this and how these patterns show up for me. And since Obliger is the biggest tendency, you are the biggest group Obligers. For both men and women, this is the biggest tendency. We hope this episode helped a lot of listeners feel happier too. Yes, we do. That's it for this episode of More Happier. Thanks to our producer, Chuck. Bye, Gretch. Bye, Elizabeth. The best time to start a happiness project was 20 years ago. The second best time is now. From the Onward Project. Hi, Gretchen, Craig Robinson, and my little sister Michelle here. We host a new podcast called IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson. We know you're the queen of giving advice, so we wanted to get a few tips from you. You know, Gretchen, a lot of our listeners are going through some major life changes. What advice do you have for folks who are trying to stay grounded in the midst of major life transitions? Craig, Michelle, I am so happy to be talking to you. here are a few questions that might help us gain perspective. So consider questions like this. What activities take up my time but are not particularly useful or stimulating for me? Do I spend a lot of time on something that's important to someone else but is not very important to me? If I could magically change one habit in my life, what would I choose? And here's a question. Would I like to have more time in solitude, restorative solitude, or would I like to have more time with friends? You know, just thinking about questions like this can help us start to figure out how we might make our lives happier. With greater self-knowledge, we're better able to make hard decisions that reflect ourselves, our own nature, our own interests, our own values. In my own case, I have found that the more my life reflects my nature, the happier I get and the more grounded I feel when I'm going through a period of major change or transition. For more great advice, search for I Am O with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson wherever you get podcasts. You can listen to Issa Rae on letting go of certain friendships, Kiki Palmer on why disappointment is actually the key to career success, Seth and Lauren Rogan on caring for aging parents, and so many more.