Beige Flags: Are You Addicted to Chaos?

For anyone that is struggling with an ick or an annoyance, I want to remind you that this really can just be a way that your brain pattern is actually justifying the toxic people to bring you right into your trigger cycle. And this actually can be rewired through pattern opposition. And if we're honest with ourselves about our relationship habits, we may be able to start finding small opportunities to push through the ick a little bit longer, maybe start to look at the underlying motivation and learn why they're doing the thing rather than justify the thing itself. There's something controlling you, something hidden, operating beneath your awareness, dictating your decisions, your emotions, your relationships. You think you're in control, but you're not. Your thoughts aren't random. They follow a pattern, a script, and that script was written a long time before you even knew you had a choice. Why do you keep making the same mistakes? Chasing the same people? Ruining the things you claim to want? Your brain is wired for deception. It builds stories, rationalizes, defends, and it does it so well you stopped questioning it. But here's the truth. Patterns can be broken. The code can be rewritten. And once you see it, you'll never unsee it. Decoded dismantles the hidden programming that's been running your life so you can finally take it back. Once you hear the truth, you can't go back. So the only question is, are you ready to listen? Subscribe to Decoded because you deserve to know what's really running your mind. Hey there everybody, welcome to Beige Flags. Are you addicted to chaos? I'm sure this episode is going to speak to many and it will likely bother some and I'm okay with that. Everything that we're doing with this decoded podcast is to some extent going to hit people's triggers. That's what makes it effective. I've always been a firm believer that you cannot rewire something that you refuse to be exposed to. So this podcast is about intentional exposure with some deeper thought architectures and tools behind them so that you can take action on this, right? Not just stir the pot to piss you off and create clickbait, which it seems like so many are doing with podcasts. But instead, how can we look under the hood and understand our deeper motivations of why we do something instead of justifying the behavior, excusing the behavior, or finding some sort of other TikTok or Instagram influencer that tells you that this behavior is just totally okay. So without further ado, let's jump into Beige Flags. Some of you may have heard this term, others may not. I for one am not on TikTok. So I actually hadn't heard about this term until I started hearing about it from some of my younger clients. I have quite a few clients who are teens, early 20s, and this is something that came up pretty frequently. So I had to educate myself and the more I dug in, the more I realized there's actually something really profound here that each of us need to understand so that we can spot the behavior in ourselves and also not fall victim to it in the social media sphere. The term Beige Flag emerged from the internet and dating culture, in particular, TikTok and Reddit, as a tongue-in-cheek counterpart to red flags or green flags. So red flags are what indicate obviously a serious warning sign, and then came the green flag, which indicates a healthier, desirable trait. So the Beige Flags, as you can quickly jump to a conclusion about their neutrality, were originally coined to describe a boring, odd, or quirky behavior. So these things aren't necessarily going to be deal breakers, but the whole idea is they make you pause and potentially ever so slightly lose attraction. And I think that is ultimately why I want to pay attention to them, because it is actually in these very subtle, smaller moments that we end up potentially sabotaging an otherwise possibly healthy relationship. Early use of this term was absolutely sarcastic, and it was more aimed at poking fun of people with generic or uninspired dating app bios like My Beige Flag is, I say, a love adventure, but never leave the house. So originally this started again tongue-in-cheek, but now people are using it in a much more clear way that justifies a pattern of behavior. In the current pop psychology ecosystem, this term has evolved and now beige flags are regarded as habits or traits that appear neutral, but could eventually become annoying, indicative of deeper issues, or even predictive of future relational conflict if they're left unexamined. They also could be potential early indicators that someone has unaddressed behavioral patterns, emotional immaturity or identity confusion, but they're usually disguised as quirks or personal preferences. I would like you to think of beige flags as subtle data points that your subconscious picks up on that don't necessarily set off big alarm bells, but they make you pause to take another look. And typically once we've taken that pause, we've already placed a more negative label on the thing that we've observed. This is going to be something that starts to impact our attraction. Some common examples of beige flags. And obviously these can range from funny and innocent to probably fairly concerning. And I do have quite a few friends who are single at this moment out in the internet dating world, and I will say some of what I hear is both sad and alarming, and I'm so grateful that I'm married with kids. But for those of you that are still out there pounding the pavement, trying to find the man or woman of your dreams, this is something that you should certainly take note of because it's likely one of the behavior traits that's possibly held you back. So one of the most common beige flags that people talk about are hyper specific routines. So having to eat the same meal every day for lunch, chicken rice and broccoli, no exceptions. Obviously, some of us may immediately go to more of like an OCD sort of restriction, but I think this is also referring to people who have become very intentional with their diet. So they're extremely restrictive and rigid with their diet and perhaps it's in pursuit of health or biohacking goals, but ultimately functions the same. So this could of course signal control issues or low adaptability if it's not disrupted. Number two, we've got chronically late but always has a solid story to back them up. A little called out on this one. They're late to every date but it's always because of some elaborate chain of events. This is obviously masking poor time management or a disorganized or dysregulated nervous system. Number three, it lives by astrology or personality quizzes. They won't date a Capricorn or trust someone who's a type two or doesn't understand their enneagram or their attachment style. This might indicate a need for external validation systems to help someone make a decision. So ideally, right, I understand why people look to some of these things to maybe try to look under the hood. I think the deeper you dive in some of these things, there are some ways that of course they're accurate, but there are some ways that it might actually prime you to pigeonhole someone into being a way that they are truly not. And then you start to turn on your own sensory perception and personal experience, which I think can be a real negative. So this is more likely to happen if somebody doesn't trust their own instincts and intuition and they're looking for some sort of outside source or framework to justify whether it's a good fit or a bad fit. Number four is never initiating plans but always shows up. So they're great when you invite them but they'll never take the lead. This I see all the time with my friends who are in the online dating world right now. This can point to passive behavior or fear of rejection that is masked as being laid back. Number five, they use therapy speak constantly. They say things like my boundaries are feeling violated when you ask them to call you back. You might be weaponizing psychology terms to avoid accountability or even just using therapy speak to be retaliatory, not realizing that perhaps you yourself might be taking things personally or jumping the gun. Number six, say they hate drama but always is talking about drama or experiencing drama. They claim to hate conflict but somehow there's always a new issue at work or with friends. This could be a sign of someone who is extremely chaos addicted and subconsciously generating problems while feeling to be a victim of said problems instead of looking at their role in the problems. Throughout today's episode, we're going to learn how beige flags often reveal self deceptive patterns or subconscious mechanisms that you aren't aware of yet. Basically our goal here is to help you become aware of them how dating content online like red green beige flags has trained you to categorize rather than understand what drives behavior and why quirks are often defense mechanisms in disguise. And of course how to decode what's really happening underneath. When we talk about what's happening underneath. Ultimately what we're talking about here are underlying motivations in break method when we complete a brain pattern mapping session we have tracked nine distinct markers. Once we know those nine markers we can accurately predict your underlying motivations that end up becoming cyclical behaviors with 98.3% accuracy. How do we do this well because human beings are actually far more formulaic than we like to believe that we are. We feel very unique and individual yet. Our spirit is individual, but the way our spirit then perceives reality through our eyes and our sensory and nervous system and then tends to create rules and frameworks about how to operate in our world that becomes formulaic and in those ways we operate far more like a computer. We have to understand someone's underlying motivation to understand the context or nuance to bring in tandem with the behavior. Two people could behave the exact same way and to get each person to stop doing what they're doing you'd have to rewire them completely differently. Obviously you wouldn't be here if you truly thought that you could just tell someone don't do that do this instead and that would work right where we're here because we know that there is deeper work to be done then simply saying don't do this do this instead. If that worked, we'd mostly be fine right that's it's not an effective strategy because that's taking a subconscious process and trying to override it with a conscious thought that doesn't work it's not effective because our subconscious drives are labeling of our perception of reality far more than our conscious. So we're trying to fight with the wrong tool to win this fight and to uncover our underlying motivations we have to understand of course our brain pattern type and how that then informs things like what make up our beige flags or even how we're perceiving red flags. I've joked about this and I stand by this one person's red flags or another person's green flags and vice versa. Our brain patterns fall into five primary categories we're going to be going through some of those today in the interest of trying to align what would drive somebody's beige flag behavior. Each of these five patterns is going to have a very distinct series of underlying motivations that are very contrasted to the other pattern types. Understanding their why helps us understand how to change the behavior or rewire the behavior. And for some of you I think what you're going to see today is that you experiencing someone's beige flag as something that makes you feel kind of turned off or icky or like that's not a good look where you lose attraction. That is also giving us some really important cues into your brain pattern type right because this is a two way street. So underlying motivations will create but they will also mask beige flags and these subtle behaviors might look corkier, harmless on the surface but they're usually camouflaging subconscious patterns that are driven by unmet needs or self protective mechanisms and we need to understand these to understand both why we are triggered by the behavior or why we are acting out said behavior. Put together a little section that goes through beige flags by source belief type in break method the top two markers that we track are called an origin and adaptive source belief pattern. These give us some insights into how you perceive reality and in turn choose to respond to the reality that you've crafted. One of these pattern types is called abandon control to be safe. Their beige flag examples are that they have to plan every detail of the day and refuse to be spontaneous to them spontaneity means danger. They always ask what you want to do but then they're going to redirect to their plan so it's like they know what to say and they know that they're supposed to include you but they're always going to default back to their way of doing it. And they will never let somebody else drive and that is both, you know, in real life in a car or even in just kind of more of the hypothetical sense underlying motivations for this type of person or that of course they're trying to control for safety, and that's going to be pervasive in every single aspect of their day to day life, even low stakes decisions like where to eat or what time to leave. These can all become miniature battlegrounds for staying regulated. So for this person the beige flag isn't the planning it's the inability to let go without anxiety. So this person will of course look a little bit like a control freak and even if they learn how to mask it, there will be subtle tells. Here's the good news. Of course, I truly believe anything can be rewired. It's quite easy to learn how to work with this person and typically an abandoned control to be safe in particular that has a more overt control style. This is somebody who actually can be a great authoritative leader. They can be a very stable secure person. But if you're quick to label their drive towards safety as narcissism or something that is abusive towards you or diminishes your role and you're going to take it personally, toxicity and conflict will kick up very quickly here. And that is typically what occurs is that in dating somebody that has this more overt control style ban and control to be safe. The other person that's usually brought into this relationship or attracted is typically going to take personally and feel victimized by all of these sort of behavior quirks of this type. Both can learn to work with each other. But as you can imagine, if somebody is quick to take something personally and feel victimized, they're going to feel victimized very quickly by this type of person. So if we're looking at it from the beige flags perspective, two things could be true. This person acting out the papers that I just described, they could absolutely have this pattern type that needs reworked on and it could actually be a sign of a deeper subconscious pattern that needs rewiring. Also, if you find these so quirky and off putting, you may also be the other type where you are overly quick to take things personally and feel victimized, right? That's, you're going to have your own set of quirks there, my friend, that also need to be worked on. This episode is brought to you by HealingSana, the most advanced portable infrared sauna on the market, and it's trusted by people like Dave Asprey and Peter Diamandis. I've been using this consistently at home and it is truly next level. 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So beige flags here could be always upbeat or too chill, even in stressful situations that could definitely bother people. Over apologizes or makes excuses for others bad behavior, or makes jokes to smooth over awkward or serious conversations. I'm guilty of all three of those and I know for sure my husband, it drives him nuts when I make excuses for other people's bad behaviors. Like, can't you just let them actually take their look ins and have to deal with the issue? Why do you have to cover for them? Right. And even in situations where potentially if I've been in a fight with somebody, I remain calm to such a level that sometimes if somebody again is that type where they feel easily victimized or take things personally, they may interpret my chill as not caring. So these are examples of what could really be happening behind the scenes. So the underlying motivation here. This person is likely managing the room. They're highly aware of everyone's emotional state in the group, and they're anticipating needing to placate peace keep or lacking any sort of self preservation, because they're just trying to keep the environment stable. So what looks like laid back and go with the flow really in their mind and in their nervous system will actually be emotional suppression and really a chronic underlying vigilance where you're overly aware of how everyone is feeling so that you can keep everyone chill. So the chill in this way, the calm, the collectedness is not about being disconnected or detached. It's about being extremely present to keep the situation stable. And a lot of times people wouldn't guess that about the underlying motivation. There also is a rejection control to receive love and be safe type. So this type is going to be slightly more to the right side of the brain pattern spectrum. If you want to learn more about that brain pattern spectrum, you can certainly go on to break method.com. Do your brain pattern mapping session. That will be something that you'll be taught when they review your brain pattern diagnostic. So when someone is experiencing this pattern, beige flags that they would act out would be mirroring your interests or opinions, or even at times language patterns. This person might actually start to mimic the cadence of your speech if there are certain phrases that you say or a certain way the joke they're going to mirror you. They may also constantly fish for compliments by sharing their wins or positive qualities because they're looking for you to affirm or validate isn't this great. They may use performative language like I'm such a giver or I always show up underlying all of these potential annoyances and beige flags that they're putting out into the world are that ultimately they're trying to win you over. Ironically, their attempt to win you over may be the very thing that's turning you off and that really unfortunately is a byproduct of the rejection based brain pattern type. Their control is through people pleasing in disguise and what makes them seem like they're being attentive to your interest is actually a shifting identity that's really more chameleon like or mirroring. And it's a sign that as you move forward with this person, two things are going to happen. You're going to find out that this person doesn't really know who they are and they're going to have to work on building that at some point. Before you're going to find out that they're actually very different person than they initially led you to believe when they were trying to get you to fall in love with them. If you tuned into the episode on love bombed. This is a great example of our coach Bay type. So if you have a chance and you haven't watched love bombed, please go watch love bombed. I give three archetypes of love bombers in that episode and one of the archetypes was called coach Bay. This is a great example of coach Bay very performative and performative because they're lacking self trust and self efficacy. They want to do it right. Therefore they give their agency or authority away to some sort of outside power. So they're looking for reassurance external validation and they're performing how to get you to like them rather than just truly being vulnerable and being themselves. Another beige flag for a type that's all the way to the right called the chaos rejection pattern would be hating routines and seeing consistency as boring or soul sucking. This person also might be the type of person that doesn't have a job and has a whole long thing about why jobs are just working for the man and they prefer to be a nomad. I had a friend for a long time when I lived in LA that just pretty consistently dated people that fit this bill. And at a certain point she'd call me and say busy. I met this guy and I'd be like before we even get into it like. Does he have a bicycle instead of a car because if he has a bicycle instead of a car or he's living in his van like I don't want to hear anymore about it because this is the pattern for you. Okay, so this is the type of person that's really heavily justifying their behavior and their behavioral mechanisms by embracing some sort of counter cultural view. They're constantly changing hobbies jobs social circles they just say they get bored easily they're always on to the next. They say they want a relationship but boom they're ghosting in two weeks. Their underlying motivation is that they reject stability before it can turn on them. So their brain actually believes that stability itself is a trap. So they're embracing this sort of chaotic free spirit sort of vibe only so that they can avoid actually having to be committed be instability and ultimately be vulnerable because to them vulnerability is the scariest thing in the world and they feel like it's a complete setup. So those are just a few examples there are five brain pattern types and then there are sub types from within those five and they obviously get very specific and nuanced. Those are general but I'm sure even as I'm talking through those, many of you listening are like yeah, I've dated that person or I remember meeting that person or I've heard this story from my friend that is perfect for that person. The reality is when two brain pattern types get together, they will all experience a unique flavor of toxicity that is called symbiotic dysfunction. This cyclical dysfunction feeds a person's triggers and their underlying motivations and the end results is a very confusing blend of attraction, polarity and typically conflict unfortunately for most of us. Symbiotic dysfunction is something that I work with all the time with couples in break method because ultimately part of what brings us into the attraction polarity in the initial stages of a relationship, eventually sets the stage not only for that attraction but also for these underlying patterns of conflict and chaos. Symbiotic dysfunction is when two individuals unconsciously enter into a relationship dynamic where their source belief patterns and their timeline of behavior presentations actually get locked into this feedback loop where each person's behavior validates and triggers the other and that's why I call this the pac-man of doom. Essentially what happens is exactly the way that I perceive you that triggers me makes me react in a way that does the same thing to you in response. So there's always this call and response where we lock each other into this somewhat destructive behavior loop. Now I mentioned that in early stages this is the very thing that can feel like polarity or spark. Disfunction and pattern opposition to a large degree actually does feel like chemistry and symbiotic dysfunction does mimic polarity because it creates intensity, it creates contrast and emotional friction, but it's not polarity rooted in wholeness right like these two pieces together make this beautiful hole. It's actually two broken pieces coddling in a way that feels more electrifying, but it's actually two familiar patterns that are engaging each other in a cyclical way, dressed up like passion, when really it's this underlying tone of conflict that's doing the heavy lifting. So patterns actually are part of what make us mistake this conflict for chemistry. So our brain pattern, which is that recognition and the framework that we're scanning our world, we're placing things into buckets. This is the rule of how I'm going to do this or this is how the framework for how I'm going to get my best outcome from this sort of scenario. When we're looking at something like that our brain is seeking safety, but our brain equates safety with a known cause and effect. So it's something that feels familiar. But for us, familiar doesn't mean good, it doesn't mean successful, it doesn't mean loving. And even if the dynamic that it's actually craving is chaotic controlling or emotionally unavailable, it will feel magnetic to your nervous system because that is what your nervous system calls home. And so I want to remember that this charge that we're experiencing is not equal to connection. The spark isn't actually intimacy and many cases it's adrenaline that's driven by an underlying subconscious assessment of threat, unpredictability, or even the fantasy of being chosen for many of us, not yet being chosen is our biggest kryptonite right being pursued or being chased and trying to get your guy or girl. That is usually the most electrifying process. And we've talked on previous episodes about how behavior unfolds over time in a four part cycle. If you go to the episode on love bombed, I break that down quite a bit where you can understand how behaviors cascade over time. You may contradict yourself from one phase to the other. So what tends to happen is people that go in a little bit more impulsively and put all their chips on the table. They go in and get this kind of adrenaline hit and then as soon as things become anchored into commitment, then it starts to appear like they're pulling away. When in fact, this is all just part of their deeper cycle. There's also a push pull loop that's created by dopamine hits. We talked a lot about push pull behaviors on the love bombed episode. The uncertainty or intensity of the dynamic activates the brain's reward system and you confuse these highs and lows with spark because they do release neurochemicals that feel similar to desire or attachment. So I made a little list for you that I will put in the show notes on mimicked polarity versus true polarity because healthy polarity does need to exist in the relationship. But dysfunctional polarity, which is the symbiotic dysfunction is more commonly what's driving the relationship. Just because right now you may be experiencing a more dysfunctional polarity doesn't mean that you can't transition it into a healthy form of polarity. One does eventually give way to the other if you have the right tools. So dysfunctional polarity would be driven by fear and unhelmed trauma. True polarity is rooted in self awareness. So an example of this would be I naturally operate much more in my masculine. But because I've done this work and I know where my pattern gets the best of me. I know precisely where I have to intentionally step into my feminine. I know the language of my feminine. I know the decisions that my instinct would have me make that I have to actually rewire or circumvent by doing it the more intuitive way. So I know how to step outside of what my brain knows to be safe, which is my masculine to actually embrace my femininity. That actually allows me to create through self awareness a healthy side of polarity with my husband. A dysfunctional polarity aspect would be feeling anxiety and addiction right this kind of like this need. I need to see them I have to see them where it's just it's like very driven by something that's a little bit more deeper and addictive or the feeling of urgency. The true polarity version of this would be curiosity and expansion. Right, I'm excited to do this but there's an ability to self regularly and hold back being able to hold back and delay gratification and intimate relationships is honestly one of the keys to success and you'll see me give a few tips on that at the end of today's episode. Disfunctional polarity would be high highs and low lows. The reality is that when our polarity is just right through self awareness and healing. Our relationship actually may be at a more stable intensity where it even is just ever so slightly above and below neutrality. Right, we're so used to chasing these high highs and low lows not realizing that those highs and lows are ultimately what create conflict cycles. Disfunctional polarity would be sparks from unmet needs and triggers right the the fight the makeup sex, and then the opposite of that would be sparks from authentic contrast example would be my husband and I pretty much don't think of anything the same way we don't like the same things, but we're able to adapt and compromise with the other person likes because that's the way that we can demonstrate love so we don't have to be like each other in order for us to have polarity in fact those are the things that bring about healthy polarity. Disfunctional polarity would be motivated by emotional instability needing someone else to help me co regulate. I can't navigate this without you. True polarity would be motivated by emotional depth and safety where each party individually is able to self regulate and come together as a collective and so instead of this pushing and pulling dynamic of need and stress. And then we can come together as a team by way of self regulation and then collaboration. I think people in relationship miss how that cycle needs to unfold and for some brain pattern types self regulation wasn't something that you built in childhood you were able to unfortunately co regulate maybe through a stuffed animal a child or a vampire mom dad teacher. This creates a pattern of learned helplessness and this victimization where if you're feeling a certain way you need somebody else to do something to make you feel better reassurance validation a hug in the long run in an intimate relationship this is actually a huge setup. First you want to be able to go to your partner to be nurtured to be held to be safe, but ultimately the type of need that somebody is looking for an intimate partner is a skill that was not built in childhood ends up becoming co dependence or even dependence and that person very much needs to be placed into a container where they learn how to self regulate. And then only then can they be a truly equal partner that's not pulling in a way that's not reciprocal. So these are all important things to think about is that that timing is key and when two parts of a whole can self regulate and collaborate, then we have a truly healthy relationship dynamic. One of the memes that I keep seeing all over Instagram that I think is absolutely hilarious says exactly this and I'll make sure to put it up on the show notes. If you line up all of your exes in a row, you will see a flow chart of your mental illness. Now, for some of you, maybe you immediately want to slam on the brakes and be like that's not true. But I'm sure for some others of you you immediately start to go back through the rule of dex and you're like yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. If we're honest with ourselves, we all have a very unique flavor of toxic, and that is not at all by accident. In our early childhood years, we create something called emotional homeostasis and then our brain starts to create these rule sets around our emotional homeostasis. From the years two to five, we actually start to create these standard operating procedures for how to survive our lives. And what we experience with the highest frequency creates this feedback loop between our brain and our body. The emotions that we generate in this loop are considered our emotional homeostasis that place that we seek to keep going back to like a rubber band effect. This is a repart system that our perception of reality actually triggers cyclically. These are connected to our assumptions about safety, love and belonging. And unfortunately for all of us, we subconsciously seek out ways to replay this cycle and repeat, even when you consciously don't want to. That's why we keep doing the things that we know not to do, no matter how many coaches we've had no matter how many books we've read, you have to go to that deeper subconscious level which is precisely what we work with in break method. We've talked about how your brain craves triggering environments to feel safe, but that safety just means no one cause and effect. So we now have this relationship where safety is equal to emotional homeostasis and we know that these things are rooted in early childhood pain and trauma. So our brain now labels this environment as safe and seeks to recreate it. But what's happening is that again, safety just means familiar. So even if consciously it's like we want love, we want connection. Our brain is actually wired to push all of those things away. Thus, where beige flags start to come from many of the things that our brain starts to latch onto as reasons to push somebody that might otherwise be stable or healthy away might be because we're trying to act out our emotional homeostasis. We want the ick or the toxic instead of the stable and grounded because the reality is when your brain pattern is still in operation here, stable will start to feel like boring or even ick. And you start to not become attracted to people that essentially aren't this certain flavor of toxic. Now, this is your moment of truth. I want you to admit, have you done this? Do you still do this currently? Is it possible that you're pushing away Mr. or Mrs. Right because your brain is looking for false or error just to subconsciously justify one of your toxic flavor? Probably. We've all done it, but I will tell you that healing and being fully whole in a collaborative relationship that has that true healthy polarity will only come if we literally just cut the crap on these patterns, call them what they are and learn how to effectively rewire them. One of the rewiring tools that helps immensely, but it has to be timed right is pattern opposition. Pattern opposition can greatly benefit us in relationships. Pattern opposition is an intentional and strategic opposite that allows you to rewire leaning on the concept of synaptic plasticity. Synaptic plasticity tells us that when you fire something together, it wires together. And when you fire something apart, it wires apart. So that what you do and you do consistently, those synapses will become wired together and you'll be more likely to repeat that behavior. If you can start to do things intentionally differently, you will start to wire those synapses apart. Every time you do this, it will make it less and less likely to occur as an underlying habit. For anyone that is struggling with an ick or an annoyance, I want to remind you that this really can just be a way that your brain pattern is actually justifying the toxic people to bring you right into your trigger cycle. And this actually can be rewired through pattern opposition. And if we're honest with ourselves about our relationship habits, we may be able to start finding small opportunities to push through the ick a little bit longer, stay longer, maybe start to look at the underlying motivation and learn why they're doing it. They're not doing the thing rather than justify the thing itself. Right, instead of just looking at it and being like, Ew, I can't do that anymore. Why don't we get curious and seek to understand why they're doing that thing and maybe even side note, what upside there is to that same behavior because they're typically positive and negatives to anything like I was explaining with the abandon control overt type, that sort of dominance that could to the wrong type of person be perceived as narcissism could actually be the traits of a really strong leader that you would absolutely want protecting you if shit really hit the fan. So there's actually positive and negatives to each of these. And if we just let the ick happen as a way to make us pull back, we don't ever seek to really understand what drives this behavior and what other positives that could also have in our relationship dynamic down the road. So how do we navigate through something like this and actually start to reorient your brain to stability because for many of you stability actually is an ick and is a turn off. Number one, you have to be honest with yourself about past relationship patterns. And despite believing that each one of them is different. They somehow all turned out the same. This is a byproduct of self deception and I'm sure many of your friends throughout the process were like, Oh my God, this person's the same really no they're totally different. You're gonna love them. Fast forward. It's like the narrator's voice comes in. In fact, you are not going to love them. They are the same person. They just have a different color here. Number two, oppose your pattern. If you are quick to sleep with someone early, hold back, build a friendship, even if you have to white knuckle through it the whole time. Or if you're quick to go all in and lose yourself in a relationship creating a dumpster fire at work because you've neglected your job. How about practice some self regulation and actually say no to hanging out sometimes, even if usually you just find a way. These are subtle small things and of course, these are going to be entirely brain pattern dependent and we can certainly help you with this more and break method if we know your brain pattern type but find something subtle if I do this. How can I do this intentionally differently. Number three, get the other person to do brain pattern mapping or yourself if you haven't done it and see what's really going on underneath the hood to see what's driving behavior because maybe you'll realize it's actually not an egg. Maybe you'll realize that it's actually something you have to work on or maybe this thing that you're perceiving at this stage of it is actually the thing that will make you feel committed and safe at a later part of your cycle. So in general, with all of our content here it decoded our catchphrase is decode don't just label and dismiss because in general, pop psychology terms and even just the approach of mental health and psychology on social media is very much observe label and then place in these buckets and then you can't really justify it with the label that you just gave them without really seeking to understand what's happening at the level of perception of reality and underlying motivations, because beige flags aren't cute or annoying. They are actually diagnostic tools they're literally breadcrumbs that if followed can help trace you back to core beliefs. So instead of asking, why did they do that or thinking, you, I want you to start asking what belief system is possibly driving this behavior. So let's try to decode it. What are some other benefits or upsides of this person's behavior. Could you actually see down the road. This is exactly how you move out of this sort of pop psychology loop and into pattern level awareness. Now, this is the first episode where I'm actually going to assign you all homework because we've got enough building blocks here now to get into our first watch party which I am so excited about. This is your homework. I want you to go watch it ends with us and if you've already watched it. I need you to watch it again because I'm giving you specific notes that I want you to take. So don't just say yeah I've seen it before I can fill that out. I want you to literally watch it like a detective one more time. We will be dissecting this movie on the next episode and I want you to keep a running list of the behavior mechanisms you notice in both Lily and Ryle. So keep them in a separated list. So some examples could be do they lie. Do they manipulate or they quick to anger outburst. Do they engage or disengage. Try to do your best with marking down what you think the behavior mechanisms are that you're noticing. I want you to start to think about each character like a chess piece on a chessboard behavior and triggers are like moves and counter moves right because these people are operating in a cycle. Ryle and Lily will have their own symbiotic dysfunction. These two have an extremely interesting toxic pattern that I think I likely see very differently than the mainstream narrative and I'm really excited to break it down with you. Please make yourself some popcorn for me. I'm there in spirit. I will be watching this movie too and I will show you all of my notes and break down in many instances even frame by frame exactly what's happening so that we can learn from this beautiful example. If you enjoyed this episode, please do share it with somebody who might need to hear this. I think decoded episodes can sometimes be a little bit of a slap in the face. So maybe just tell your friend, Hey babe, love you also please watch this episode. XOXO gossip girl, please give this a review and rating. You know this is a brand new show. It helps us so much when you do that. Share it far and wide and keep tuning in for other episodes that help you look underneath the hood. So we're not just labeling from surface level observation, but we're seeking to understand and heal because that's what we're here to do. I will see you all next time. Thank you.