E249: Help! I can’t orgasm with my partner. What do I do?

I will be totally honest. There were plenty of times where I was just like, is faking really that bad? Like, maybe this is just the easier thing to do. Maybe my body just like can't get there with a partner. And I really almost gave up several times. But there were a couple of things that kept me going. One was resentment. Good old resentment. It's a motivator. Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience. And I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step-by-step techniques for improving yours. Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Today's episode is for you if you are not having orgasms with your partner. You guys are having sex, you're being intimate, and you just find yourself at the end of the experience kind of twiddling your thumbs, wondering like, what about me? What's going on? And we are focusing on women in particular here. obviously people of all genders can have issues with orgasm, but we wanted to do an episode specifically for women because let's be real, like this is most common with women. It's also something that I have personally experienced. We'll get to that in a moment. But we're going to talk about three general categories, like three different ways that most women tend to deal with this. So the first one is faking orgasms. Like you don't know, you know, you're not getting there on your own. So you feel like the best option or maybe even feels like your only option is to fake it, you know, putting on this whole big show, making it seem like you had this incredible, explosive, super pleasurable orgasm. So that's option one. Option two is just not really doing anything. We actually hear from so many women who say like they'll reach out to us on Instagram and say, hey, you guys make a lot of content about faking orgasm, but like I don't fake it, but I'm also not having them. So you're just kind of like lying there. You're there. You're participating in it. You're not like, you know, lying to your partner and saying, yes, I had an orgasm, but you're also not telling them I didn't have an orgasm. The sex is just happening to you. Yeah. You're you're a bystander. And then the third category is women who are telling their partner not to focus on their orgasm like it's okay i'm fine it's not a big deal like you just do your thing so you're really putting the you know the attention and energy on your partner telling them like yeah just leave me alone i'm good it's cool and it might have been cool at some point in time but we will talk about how ultimately like this one it's sort of in between the other two like it's not an outright lie it's not not doing anything but it it's somewhere in the middle So in this episode, we're going to walk through, if you're in one of these three scenarios, how you might have landed there in the first place, and then most importantly, how to get yourself out of that situation and start having real pleasure and real orgasms with your partner. Now, this topic is a really personal one for me. I love talking about this because I struggled with my own orgasm for a very long time. You know, people always think like, oh, you're a sex therapist. You guys have this business together. Like you must have the perfect sex life. You must have everything figured out. And it's really important to me to be honest about the fact that I absolutely didn't. So I my history with orgasm is that I learned how to orgasm on my own. But I really struggled to get there with a partner. I could not get there with a partner. And that was super confusing to me. It just felt like, how is it possible in one scenario, but not in other scenarios? Later, it did become very obvious to me. But at the time, I just really felt like something was horribly wrong with me. And I struggled with so many of the feelings that, you know, women who struggle with orgasm go through. Like, you feel like there's something horribly wrong with you. You feel like I must be the only woman in the world who is struggling with this, even though your brain rationally knows like there's I can't be like the one and only person on this entire planet that's going through this. You feel that way. It feels like, oh, my God, I'm really the only person. Like I couldn't possibly tell anyone. Everyone else is having great orgasms all the time. Yeah. And I do think, you know, I heard from when I became a sex therapist and I started working. I'm kind of skipping ahead for a second. But when I started working with women on their orgasm struggles, that's what I would hear all the time. It's like, you know, we've come along way in terms of now people talk about sex, you know, more openly with our friends. But in in a weird, funny, like kind of backwards way, it actually makes struggling with your orgasm more embarrassing because you're like, you know, out at lunch or brunch with your friends and you're all talking about like the hot sex that you had last night. And it feels even more embarrassing to say like, oh, yeah, like actually not me. I mean, it's interesting. It just gave me the thought of, you know, I feel like if we trace it back, it's almost like like Sex and the City almost gave us permission of like, oh, yeah, no, like we talk about this. But the problem is we talk about it in kind of like a braggadocious way. Right. Like it's braggadocious. You like that? I'm busting out the SAT words. I mean, I was God, I was like very much in school and SAT era when Sex and the City was on. Right. I actually don't even know what year Sex and the City was on, but it was definitely during that time. But I think that's the thing is that, you know, I think men have always talked about sex in a very braggy sort of way. Braggadocious means braggy. All those of you who are hearing that word for the first time, I think is a great word. But it's also like you could just say braggy. So it's a kind of braggadocious way to say that, you know, word on anyway. You know, I think men have always bragged about sex and that's always been a part of the male experience a long way back. But I think that this has only more recently become an element of the female experience. And the problem is that, yeah, like a lot of those conversations are highlighting the highlights and minimizing the lowlights and definitely not talking about the struggles. It's the wanting to seem like you have it all together. And I think that's a very human experience. We talk to each other. We all want to seem capable. We all want to seem like we know what we're doing. And in sex, especially with when it's sort of a taboo topic, we definitely want to know exactly what we're doing. And so, you know, I think that's the problem is like, you know, you're sitting at brunch with the girls and everyone's talking about, oh, my God, the sex was so hot. And that you're just assuming, oh, my God, she just must be having a ton of orgasms. And I'm not right. Well, I mean, a lot of times they were just even directly saying, oh, I came like three times last night or something, you know, and you just feel really embarrassed about having to say like, oh, I actually don't know how to get there. I have, you know, I haven't ever gotten there with a partner. OK, looping back to like the feelings that come up around it, you know, there's feeling like there's something horribly wrong with you or broken with your body. There's, of course, like, yeah, what I was saying, feeling like you're the only one going through this. It feels really shameful, like something that you can't tell anybody that you're going through. It's confusing. You know, for me, it was really confusing being able to on my own, but not with a partner. But for other women, like if you've never had an orgasm or you just can't get there reliably, it's this sort of like, what does my body need? I don't get it. Like, it just feels very difficult. And yeah, of course, like extremely embarrassing to talk about with a partner. Most people just don't like absolutely do not want to have to. So, yeah, I really empathize with how challenging this can feel. So for me, the option that I ended up going with of the three was faking orgasm, because for me, I wanted to make it seem like there was good chemistry in my relationships. And I wanted a lot of it was honestly for my male partners, like for my boyfriends, wanting them to feel like they were good in bed. And, you know, I don't want to hurt his fragile male ego and, you know, make him feel like this is his fault when it's my fault. I'm the one who's broken. So I really felt like I had to protect my partners. And it felt, yeah, faking for me felt, I guess, like sexier, in a way. I mean, it obviously was like totally performative. But it felt better for me than just like not doing anything or just saying like, I'm fine. I don't need anything. Did you ever think like, okay, well, I'm gonna I'm gonna start faking and eventually I'll figure this out. So then I'll kind of be able to like slide into into, you know, this will just become reality. Yeah. I mean, when I really think back, it's so sad because, you know, I faked my very first experience. I think it was already and it's hard to imagine, you know, like, wow, was that already ingrained in the back of my head that like I needed to just, you know, if it wasn't happening, I needed to fake it like it clearly was. You know, I had that inclination and that's what I did. I mean, it's interesting because I feel like the first experience is almost one. Where most women, I feel like the way we talk about sex, almost have permission to not really enjoy the first time. Because I feel like a lot of it is, yeah, it might hurt the first time, but it'll get better and better. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know how that it already wormed its way into my head. But, you know, I started faking from the very beginning. And I think, yeah, at the beginning, I did think, oh, it'll happen, you know, and then it's fine. Then I can stop the faking and I'll just be having the real ones. But the longer that time went on and, you know, having other partners and starting to realize like, oh, this is not happening. Then that started to feel really scary. And and it felt like I was just trapped in the cycle of faking. Like, how do you stop faking with somebody once you already have been faking? You're you know, you're in a long relationship with them. We will talk about that a little bit later in this episode. And then as I for me, the added wrinkle was like as I'm starting to realize like I want to be a sex therapist, I'm starting to train in this field. I'm starting to like do internships and research and all of that. Like I'm still going through this. So there was this added layer of feeling like a complete and utter imposter. You know, here I am like thinking I'm going to be this amazing sex therapist and help people with their sex lives. And I'm still faking my orgasms in my own sex life. So that was really, like, really difficult for me to go through. But at the same time, I felt totally trapped. Like, it's not happening. I don't know what to do to make it happen. And, you know, I'm starting to do all this education and training in this field, and I wasn finding any genuinely useful advice about how to make it happen So I saw the exact same advice that any woman who has ever struggled with her orgasm has seen Just relax Don think about it Just let it happen or have a glass of wine. I tried all three of those things and they absolutely did not work. Like you can't just don't think about it into like think you can't not think your way into something happening. It's always, it's not how it works. Just have an orgasm. Yeah. That's basically all the advice. I was like, just come already. What's wrong with you? Yeah. And honestly, the advice made me feel worse because it was so simple. It was like, you just have to stop thinking about it. And I'm like, okay, well, I am trying to stop thinking about it, but it's still not happening. So like, but I'm also thinking about faking too. It made me feel like something's really wrong. If like the advice is literally so simple, stop thinking about it, just relax. but yet that's not working for me. So now I must be really fucked if it's not happening for me. I am so excited to be partnering with Quince again because they are one of my personal favorite brands that I have bought so many things from with our own money. If you've never heard of Quince before, they make everyday essentials with quality that lasts. They make incredible clothing, but they've really branched out with a lot of other products too now. They have home goods, they even have furniture, skincare items, that everything is really built to hold up to daily wear. But they only partner with factories that meet rigorous standards for craftsmanship and ethical production. Which we love. I actually just bought a maternity set from Quince for my sister. She just gave birth and I wanted to find her some clothes that were like cute and cozy, but she still felt kind of pulled together. 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And, you know, I really did look so hard in so many different places trying to find something that was more detailed, more specific. and even in my like sex therapy textbooks that I was you know starting to read the most that I ever found was so I did find advice about like you have to learn your own body but just play around and like try different things and I was like okay sure I can do that because I already you know I already am doing that on the moon um but like what different things should I be trying yeah especially if it's not translating what you know on your own. Yeah. I mean, it was just so vague. Like just, you know, experiment, explore, explore your body. And I was like, okay, but like how? Imagine if like, imagine if you are trying to learn, I don't like, you're trying to learn a sport or something and, you know, you go to take a lesson and halfway into your lesson, your coach or teacher or whatever goes, okay, now just like play around. just try some things try some things yeah like i've taught you the rules of the game now just try some stuff but i didn't even have the rules of the game it was literally like showing up at the lesson and they're it's like the sport that you've never like it'd be like showing up at a cricket lesson and they're like just explore yeah we brought you to the pitch you're on the cricket pitch i don't even know that's what it's called that's what it's called do you know what a i know nothing about cricket uh oh no i was about to i was about to say a word that is actually related to croquet that i was about to say was part of cricket a wicket no there's no wickets and crickets oh my god whatever i don't know shit about cricket i know there's a ball of some sort and bases yeah i think there's only two like you just go back and forth it's not like a baseball like rounding the diamond it's a wild it's a wild sport i don't know anything about it It was a orgasm. So, but no, no, it's like, it's like Vanessa and I being like, we want to learn cricket. Let's, let's go to a cricket lesson. And they're like, okay, cool. We'll pick you up at your house and take you to the cricket pitch. And you're like, all right, that's the lesson. Now have fun. Yeah. It's yeah. So I really had to like muck my way through it. And I will be totally honest. There were plenty of times where I was just like, is faking really that bad? Like, maybe this is just the easier thing to do. Maybe my body just like can't get there with a partner. And I really almost gave up several times. But there were a couple of things that kept me going. One was resentment. Good old resentment. It's a motivator. You know, when I got when I was in these long term relationships, like at the beginning, faking felt fine. It was just like, OK, it actually felt like a good thing. Like it feels like we have this great chemistry. You know, my the guy is like, wow, sex is so amazing with you. Like we're so in sync. And I'm like, yeah, totally. You're getting like positive emotional connection and validation that you're like, oh, this feels good. Like you might even be seeking. Yeah, I don't. Yeah. The pleasure like pleasure is great. I can do that on my own. But like you're you're getting another type of pleasure, an emotional connection, pleasure. But then as the relationships went on, because I was like a serial relationship girly as the relationships went on, then the resentment would start to creep in. of you're having this great experience, not you, because it didn't happen with you, fortunately. But like my boyfriend is having this great experience. He is loving it. He's so pleasured and satisfied. And he wants to keep doing it. Yeah. And I'm not. And yeah, very slowly over time, I started to feel really resentful of that. And obviously, like he had no idea what was going on. He thought things were great. So I really can't blame him. But I started to feel really resentful of my partners of like, this sucks that you get to have a good experience and I don't. And I'm doing so much work to make you feel like I've had a great experience. Because that's the other thing about faking is like it's so much work. I got really fucking good at faking because for me it was like, well, I don't want to just, you know, I'm lying there like quiet and silent. And then all of a sudden, like, oh, I'm having an orgasm. it's like, I want to put on a good show. I want it to seem realistic, right? Like I don't want him to know that I'm faking. So I would, you know, start moaning early in the beginning. And I would think about like, okay, now I have to make my moaning more intense. And now maybe I need to like squirm around a little bit or like make my leg shake or, you know, all these little things that you can do. And so I started like at the beginning when I was faking it, it was just at the end and I would you know I was getting some enjoyment and connection out of the rest of the experience but as I got more into the faking and like you know putting on more of the show then it's like the whole experience is getting eaten up by me like oh I need to like escalate the moans a little bit now or like breathe deeper now so it was truly like I was just completely disconnected from the experience and like not getting to have any like pleasure connection and anything. That sounds like really fucking hard work. It is. It's a ton of work. I mean, I would, yeah, I would not want to have a lot of or any sex if that was what it was like. Oh, my God. And there's nothing in it for me at the end. And then the other thing that kept me going was I had a really crappy experience faking with somebody that I was really into. We were, you know, just at the early stages of dating, like I really wanted to progress into a relationship. And he was using his hands on me. And I faked it and did my like great little performance. And he said this line that I will never forget, even though it's been like, 20 years at this point, over 20 years, he said, I can play you like a fiddle. And that just, oh the like feeling of disgust that I had in that moment of like not only did I totally fake everything but like you are using this as this like you're bragging about it and you're feeling so good about yourself like even it's like yes I was always doing it to try to like protect my partner's egos and their feelings but then to hear him like get egotistical about it I was like oh, gross. I'm done with this. And I just made this vow to myself in that very moment. I am not faking ever again. I am not doing this. Did you just break up with him? No, he ended up dumping me. Did you stop? Did you did you stop faking with him immediately after that? No. And he was like, oh, this girl is just that was the last time he must have, like, picked up on something. I don't know i was so into him and yeah no he was he was just done i wonder if i wonder if any of these former lovers of yours never listened to this podcast i mean i've told this story but i've told this story like it's all over the internet on some pretty big video audio i think i've told it like on armchair expert and maybe like we can do hard things or mel robbins so i mean he might have heard it i if you're listening i hope you've learned better stop playing the fiddle stop playing the fiddle um anyways so I decided yeah I'm done with it um of course it's not like the orgasms just started magically happening I still had no tools no resources so I really had to muck through it for quite some time but eventually I figured out how to get there with a partner. And so that was, you know, I was a sex therapist at that time. I was, and so, you know, I started, once I started seeing clients, I thought, okay, I need to like test out these things that I've learned on my own. Let me test them out with other people. Cause this is like my unique body that I've figured out how to get there, but are they going to work with other women? So I took these techniques and I tested them out with my clients until I, you know, made sure, OK, this definitely is working, like really refined home things. And eventually that became Finishing School, which is our online course that teaches women how to have orgasms whenever they want one. It was like the first course of its kind. It got so many incredible reviews, like thousands of women have gone through it. It's been reviewed in major magazines and newspapers. BuzzFeed ended up calling me the orgasm whisperer. Like we'll talk about that more later. But it was so meaningful to me to be able to turn this deeply personal and very embarrassing and shameful struggle into the solution for other women like to be able to say okay I had to fucking muck through this on my own It caused so much pain, so much stress, so much anxiety. So I don't want a single other woman to have to go through that feeling of like, just relax, just explore, like, let me tell you exactly what to do and how to do it and when to do it and, you know, really lay it all out. So we'll tell you a little bit more about that in a bit, but let's kind of talk, let's get away from my personal story and talk more broadly about how this shows up. So Xander, why don't you tell us about the orgasm gap? Yeah, so I think most people have heard this term. I think it is general knowledge that men typically have way more orgasms than women. There has been research on this. We've done our own research. In fact, we surveyed over 5,000 people in our audience to ask about this. And not only did, you know, the general research that's out there is basically just like what percentage of women orgasm the last time they had sex. I mean, that is definitely interesting information. Spoiler alert, far more men than women had orgasms the last time they had sex but we wanted to know more so we asked not just did you have an orgasm but like how often do you actually orgasm the interesting thing was only 29 of women said that they always have an orgasm versus 73 of men always having an orgasm i think a lot of people even hear that 73 number there go only three quarters of men or having orgasm, but it's always. So if, you know, I personally, I would probably choose always if I was taking the survey, even though maybe like one in once a year or something, like I have a little malfunction and nothing happens. But, you know, I think, you know, some men are, you know, most of the time, almost always. But, you know, this is still a huge difference. So that's a 44% gap. 62% of women said that their male partner orgasms more often than they do. So six out of 10, it is imbalanced in some form. Now, the really interesting thing is that men very overestimate, like really overestimate how often they think their female partner is orgasming. So we just mentioned, you know, 29% of women say that they always orgasm. 62% of women are saying that their male partner orgasms a lot more than they do yet 87% of men that's like nine almost nine out of ten men think that their partner always or very often orgasms and we know that that is not true from the survey data that we just that we just discussed and on the flip side it's only 13% of men actually think that their partner rarely or never orgasms and we know there are a lot more than 13% of women that are in that category. Okay so why are we not having orgasms? We asked women this question and here were some of the answers that we heard. These are the most common answers. So we heard I've never had an orgasm like period or like I've had them, you know, very rarely, very inconsistently. So the thought is like, if I can't get there on my own, like, how am I supposed to get there with a partner? If I've never had one, like, I just don't even know where to start. I don't even know how to get there. Then there was also there were other women who were in my situation of like, what works on my own doesn't seem to work with a partner, or like, I can get there on my own, but I can't get there with a partner. Sometimes that can be because you're using a specific technique. Maybe you're having your body in a certain position or you're using a fantasy or a toy that you don't feel comfortable using with your partner. We heard a lot of, I feel like I don't deserve it. And that can come up for so many different reasons. Kind of similarly or related is like, I feel like I take too long or I feel uncomfortable being the center of attention. We did have some people said my partner doesn't seem to care about my pleasure, which it was really tough to see. You know, some women saying like my partner just doesn't really make an effort to focus on me. They're just more focused on their own pleasure. Some women were like they were a little bit unsure about it. Like I can't quite tell. Like, you know, my partner doesn't seem to be doing anything, but I don't think it's necessarily malicious. But we did hear from some women who are like, yeah, no, my partner has like has expressed that they are not interested in, you know, taking care of me and doing what I need, which is just awful to hear. Truly awful to hear. OK, so let's get into those three categories that we mentioned earlier. So first up, we're going to talk about faking orgasms, my old old faithful, reliable technique, your personal favorite or least favorite. So when we've polled our audience, 72% of women say that they have faked orgasm. That's three out of four. Staggering, staggering numbers. Honestly, I think that's low. Yeah. So that's three out of four say that at some point in time they have. Now, a solid quarter, 25% of women say that they have been faking for so long that they don't know how to stop. So a third of the fakers, a third of the people who have faked are still doing it and are literally like have buried themselves into a hole that they can't get out of. So like me, you know, a lot of women fake at the beginning of the relationship because it just it often seems easier. You like you want it to seem like you have this amazing sexual chemistry, like things are just clicking between the two of you. You don't want to have to talk about it like with somebody who's pretty new. You just like it's an awkward, uncomfortable conversation. So vulnerable. Yeah. So like getting started right at the beginning of a relationship often feels like the best option. But then we get stuck in that cycle of, OK, well, I've started. How am I supposed to back myself out of it? But there are other reasons that women fake, too. This was a really interesting one. When we asked women, like, tell us the specific reasons why you're faking. A decent number of women said, my partner insists that I orgasm. So I think this is a really interesting nuance for men to pay attention to. I think more men are becoming more aware of, hey, I want to be a good partner. I want to make sure my partner has a good time. I don't want her to feel like she has to fake with me. I don't want her to not enjoy sex. But they're overcorrecting and they're going to a different extreme of like actually putting a ton of pressure on women. I'm not going to be satisfied unless you come. I'm not going to stop until you come. And it actually is creating it's creating so much pressure that it's making it harder for us. She's like, I do want you to stop. So so I will. Yeah, we're also socialized as women to put other people's needs above our own and especially men's needs above our own. Like faking feels like the nicer thing to do. Like I said before, I did this to protect my partner's ego. Like I didn't want him to feel like he was doing a bad job. So it just feels like the kinder thing to do to just straight up fake. Similarly, we're also socialized to believe that the man's experience during sex is more important than the woman's. Like we had one woman wrote in and said to us, like, I thought that sex was supposed to be a performance for the man. Like that's what she grew up being taught. And then another very common reason to fake is I just wanted sex to be over. I think, you know, most of us don't feel comfortable talking openly about sex. And oftentimes, like just faking the orgasm to like make the end of sex seem obvious, like feels easier. Or it gives if you do a quick, it gives him permission to like, oh, OK, I don't need to last any longer. Because I think a lot of guys are trying to draw it out. Because I think a lot of men know, hey, if I just have at it, I'm going to come pretty fast. and I have this general idea that women take a little longer. And so I'm doing, you know, I'm trying to be a good guy by thinking about baseball and slowing things down. But, and that is, you are being a good guy if your partner is genuinely, you know, if you guys are actually working together towards trying to help your partner do what is necessary to get your partner to have an orgasm. But if you're just doing that without actually talking about it, and having a plan for what it is that you're trying to do, then, yeah, if the partner is faking it or the partner is not sure what they're like, you know, not sure what they need, then they're probably like, all right, well, like, let's wrap this up then. Then you got to have this, you know, then you got to fake quickly. So the problems with faking, the most obvious one is you're not having a pleasurable experience. And that's true for each of these three different options that we're going to go over. So like sex just feels unfulfilling, unenjoyable. Faking also disconnects you from your body. So you're focusing more on the performance of faking than you are on your actual experience of what's happening in your body. Just like for me, like it can morph into faking the whole experience, not just the orgasm, like you're, you know, you're doing the whole narrative arc, the entire thing. It eventually leads to resentment of your partner. We had a different woman write in who said, I didn't even do that convincing of a performance that time and my partner didn't even notice. Do they even care? Have they even suspected that I've been faking? And it does wind up sabotaging your ability to have a real orgasm with your partner. So not only, you know, you're so wrapped up in the faking, but also your partner is getting incorrect feedback about what you like. So if they think that's what's working for you, they're going to keep doing those things that they think are working for you. And you're going to keep having the kind of sex that is not working for you. So faking just really has no positive benefits whatsoever. Okay, let's talk about the second option where you're not faking, but you're not having an orgasm. So when we did this poll about orgasms, originally, we just asked, we asked, like, do you fake orgasm? Yes or no. And a ton of women reached out and said, Hey, I don't fake it, but I'm also not having the orgasm. So we need a new category. Yeah, we realized like, Oh, we have to we got to add a new category here. So, you know, it makes me wonder with like male partners in particular, like what's going on with the dudes that there's no conversation happening here? Like, is it that the guys are not noticing at all? Do they not care? Maybe they're too focused on their own performance issues or performance anxiety that they're not even like picking up on what's going on with their partner. so I you know I don't know it could be all of the above at different times but yeah it strikes me as interesting that you could be a you know partner to somebody and I mean obviously we don't know like are the women literally just lying there making no noise do they you know make some like sad unhappy look on their face or like yeah what is what might be going on that the partner is just carrying on as normal yeah i mean i never been i've i've not been fully in that situation in a relationship i think i've kind of been in that situation in like a hookup before and i think you know it was not you know it was not a hookup that lasted more than a one to two times, I think. But, you know, I think in in that type of situation, like, you know, I don't I don't know. I was super young anyway. I would hope that I would do a better job of this in some theoretical world where I'm at my age and not married. But like, but yeah, I just, you know, it felt like awkward. Like, you know, what what do you say? Oh, did that Was that not good for you or or something? It's sort of like, you know, you kind of do all these things so that you can have this hookup and then and then it happens and it's like, OK, well, you know, hopefully everything's OK. And so, you know, I can imagine in a relationship that, you know, it sort of becomes, OK, you're trying not to rock the boat. you're trying not to be weird or get too vulnerable early on. And then it keeps happening and keeps happening. And you're like, okay, well, she's not saying anything. So it must be, must be okay. Yeah. Like she still wants to be with me. We're still having sex. So like, so, you know, okay. It's similar to the, to the, the faking where it's like, okay, well, I started like this and I don't want to have to like say anything. So I'm just going to keep doing it. I imagine there might be some element of that for guys. So obviously the problems here, like the same as with faking, like you're not having a pleasurable experience, you're sabotaging your ability to have a real orgasm. And I think you're also creating a real disconnect from your partner. If it's just there's not any sort of communication going on, like the faking communication, at least that's a form of communication. But here there's just there's a real disconnect that starts to happen. And then we have our third option saying like, it's OK, it's not a big deal. Like, I don't need anything. So this typically develops in the same sort of way, like early in a relationship is faking. Like, it just seems easier. It feels like the chemistry is there. You don't have to talk about it anymore. Like you just, you know, maybe there's a few times where you say like, I'm fine, you know, go ahead. And then it just, you know, you kind of fall into that pattern. and it can be wrapped up in like feeling like you don't deserve pleasure, worrying that you take too long, not being sure what you like or what you need. But of course, some huge problems with this approach to like faking, it can just feel like this big hole that you've dug yourself into that you can't back out of. And you're also, you know, still sabotaging your ability to have an orgasm with your partner. You're sending yourself the message that you don't deserve to have the same kind of experience that your partner's having. And with all three of these, like the other impact that we haven't talked about is that you're going to lose desire for sex. Like if sex is not a pleasurable, enjoyable experience for you, it doesn't make any sense for you to crave it. So you're going to notice your libido really start to decrease. So let's talk about where to go from here. So I do want to say you always have the option to fully come clean to your partner and share, you know, your history of faking or of just, you know, doing the no faking, but no orgasm thing. You know, we're always going to be advocates for people telling the truth. And I think in certain ways, like it's important to remind yourself, like nobody does any of this stuff for malicious reasons. Like I didn't start way back when thinking, you know what I'm going to do? I'm really going to fuck with my partners. I'm going to start faking now. And then like a year later, I'm going to tell them, surprise, I've been faking this whole time. You're going to put all that work into it just for that? I didn't do this to be mean. I actually did it thinking that was the kind thing to do. So there may be some circumstances where sharing with your partner and sharing like, hey, I was just so lost. I didn't know what to do. This felt like the best thing to do. Like that actually could be a really intimate conversation with your partner. Now, that being said, I know the vast majority of people hearing that are already starting to sweat and thinking like, I absolutely do not want to come clean to my partner. And I get it. I never came clean to any of my partners about that either. So we wanted to give you some options for how to get yourself out of this hole without having to necessarily share the full story. So the main thing that you really have to start doing is advocating for your pleasure, is asking your partner to spend more time focusing on you. And so, again, you don't have to give the full backstory behind this, but you can start taking up a little bit more space during sex. So there are a bunch of different ways that you can go about this. Like one is just to literally like ask your partner to focus on your body. So ask your partner to use their hands on you to go down on you to use a toy on you. My favorite way of doing this is actually introducing this as the two of you trying new techniques on each other. So you can say to your partner like, hey, I want to try some new tricks on you. And then, you know, maybe you try some new things on me or like some suggestions. Yeah. Like, what about if we, you know, do some exploring tonight? That way it makes it feel like it's this reciprocal thing. Because, you know, everybody's heard the advice, like, keep it spicy, mix things up, you know. And so it feels more, it's like more normalized to bring that up. Like, hey, let's spice things up tonight. Let's try it. And so it's not, you know, you're not having to tell your partner, like, everything you've been doing sucks. You can just say, like, let's try some new things. And yes, like Xander was saying, like the key thing there is to have specific things that you want to ask them to try. And we'll talk a little bit more about that in a sec. If you have been faking, here's like a little way that you can kind of reset. You could say something to your partner like, hey, I've been noticing that what used to work for me, it's just not working the same anymore. So obviously this is a lie, but it is giving your partner and yourself like a really gentle out, like a gentle way of being able to talk about it without having to like fully come clean about everything that's been going on. So you're really presenting it as like, yeah, it's not anything about you. It's just something that I've been noticing for myself. I would love for us to explore other techniques, other ways of bringing us pleasure. So you can still talk about it in this positive way of like, yeah, I wanna try some new things with you. Let's explore. And I mean, it is true that over the course of our lives, what our bodies like and respond to really can change. So like this is a conversation that I think couples should get used to having with each other because you're going to have it at another point, too. So, again, it's you know, it's not the full truth, but it is a gentle way of resetting between the two of you. And then another way of advocating for yourself is, let's say like your partner orgasms, you could just pop in and say like, all right, my turn. You know, so again, it's not any big, heavy conversation. It's not, you know, having to share the full details of everything. It's just advocating for yourself a little bit more, being willing to like ask for more attention, ask for more time. OK, so of course, the natural question out of there is like, all right, I'm I'm ready to start. Like I can ask for more attention. I can ask for more time. But like, what do I tell my partner to do? And again, like, I get it. That's why we're back in the same territory of like, somebody tell me the specifics of what to do. So here's where we want to loop around and tell you again about finishing school. So finishing school will literally walk you through step by step everything you need to know to have orgasms on your own with a partner whenever you want them. It's a very comprehensive course. So there is way more than when what we could go into in a single podcast episode. And I really didn't I didn't even want to like scratch the surface because I don't want to do women the disservice of the advice that's like vague, not enough for you to actually like do something with. So if you are really serious about wanting to learn how to have orgasms so you can stop faking, so you can stop just lying there, so you can stop telling your partner, I'm fine. Don't worry about me. I don't need anything. And so that you can also start literally having the list of knowing exactly what to tell your partner what to do. Because I think that's like the, you know, that's the real outcome of finishing school. Not only will you be having orgasms, but you will know exactly what to tell your partner to do for your unique body. Because the problem is we can't just tell you like, oh, yeah, just do these five things. There are a ton of options. And the key is finding the things that work for you so you can communicate that to your partner. And it's presented in a way that's really fun, too, because I want this topic to feel fun. Like I had so many of my own experiences of trying to figure it out and it was miserable trying to figure it out. So it's really presented like on your own and with your partner. You're doing stuff in a way that feels sexy and fun and connecting and bonding. It does not feel at all like cold or clinical or, you know, anything like that. It's a really, really fun process. And a little spoiler alert, it really goes so far beyond orgasm, too. It's really understanding, like coming to see yourself as a real sexual person, like understanding your sexual self, finding your sexual confidence. And we wanted to tell you about it now because we are doing something really special. We are giving you one last chance to get it at the current rate because the price for finishing school is about to double. Yes, it is going to double. So if you have been thinking about this for a while, because I'll be totally honest, we hear from so many women who sign up for finishing school and they're like, I've been sitting on the fence for two years. I've been looking at this course since it first came out, you know, and they just you wait for so long. And, you know, we don't want you waiting anymore. This is your sign. Yeah, because you deserve orgasms, you deserve pleasure, you deserve confidence, you deserve connection, you deserve the same experience that your partner is having. So if you want to join finishing school before the price doubles, make sure to head to vmtherapy.com slash orgasm before March 2nd. That's vmtherapy.com slash orgasm. We will also put that link in the show notes for you. All right, that is all for today's episode. Thanks so much for listening, and we'll see you next week. We release new episodes every Thursday. you