How to Be the Parent You Never Had (And Why It’s the Hardest—and Most Important—Work You’ll Ever Do)

The following podcast is a Dear Media production. Hey Besties, welcome back to After Bedtime. This week, we're re-airing one of our favorite episodes ever, and it feels so relevant right now. Give it a listen or a re-listen, and we'll be back next week with a brand new episode. Welcome to another episode of After Bedtime with Big Little Feelings. I'm your Bestie Kristen. Dina is here. And today's episode, it's for the cycle breakers. It is for those of us whose parents did not show up the way that we are showing up for our kids. If you've ever asked yourself, why am I so triggered by my child's emotions? If you've ever asked yourself, why does this parenting thing feel harder for me than it does for everyone else? How do I raise emotionally healthy kids when no one taught me how? And I didn't see emotional regulation. This episode is for you. We are going beneath the surface of parenting and into the work most of us were never taught how to do. Regulating, repairing, and re-parenting yourself while raising your kid. You are not going to want to miss this episode. Let's get into it. Welcome to After Bedtime where the house is finally quiet, but the real noise begins. The thoughts, the questions, the wondering if you're doing any of this right. We're Kristen. And Dina, child behavior experts, moms, and co-founders of Big Little Feelings. And we're not here to give you more pressure or perfect parenting energy. Nope. We're here to tell the truth, the unfiltered, beautiful, brutal truth about what it means to raise kids and re-raise ourselves in the process. Because parenting isn't just about sleep schedules and snack hacks. It's about healing. It's about breaking cycles. It's about becoming the kind of adult you want your kids to grow up to be. This is the place where we say the quiet parts out loud. And we're so glad that you're here. If parenting feels harder for you than it looks for everyone else, there's a reason. If you've thought, I'm trying so hard to do it differently, but I feel like I'm falling apart. If you're trying to raise emotionally healthy kids without ever having been taught how to regulate your own emotions, you're in the right place. This episode is for you. And listen, I just want to say, I'm proud of you for pressing play on this episode, for showing up, for even thinking about breaking cycles. I don't know that many parents do that, let alone our parents. This is huge. You didn't have to do this. You didn't have to show up today, but you're here. You are learning and you are growing. And that means the world to your child. We're talking today about what it actually means to become the parent you never had. We're talking about the grief, the science, the healing, and the quiet little moments that add up to generational change. We're out here trying to model emotional regulation for our kids, but let's just name the truth. Most of us have never seen it modeled, ever. We were raised on, go to your room, you're fine, don't talk back. No one sat with us in our feelings. No one taught us how to ride out a wave of anger without hurting someone, and definitely no one modeled repair. And so now we're trying to give our kids what we never got without a map. And that's fucking hard, honestly. Exactly. This episode is about what it actually means to be the parent you never had. It's about the real work, the unglamorous, uncomfortable, transformational work of stopping generational cycles. Because when you're parenting differently than you were parented, you're not just raising a child, you're raising yourself. And we want to name why that feels so hard, why it stirs up so, so much, and what it actually looks like to do it, imperfectly, but powerfully. Okay, so to kick us off, let's go over what we were taught so many of us and what we were in. Lots and lots of us who are now parents, we grew up in a system that prioritized obedience over emotional intelligence, quiet over communication, compliance over connection. So emotions, they were seen as disruptive, disrespectful, even dangerous, honestly, at times. Parenting was shaped by survival, control was safety, and regulation, I mean, it wasn't even a word. No one was talking about that. Culturally, parenting advice centered on behavior, not brain science, not relationships. And so behavior was managed through fear, shame, spanking, bribes, because I said so. And that was the toolbox. I think even the best intentioned parents didn't have access to what you're saying, the brain science, when it comes to relationships and regulations. So even at best, we're all growing up in a world that is like, sit down, you don't get out of your room until you calm down. I mean, this is just all of us. So we're talking about a millennial generation of people who have no idea how to regulate their emotions, truly. And then on top of that, a lot of us actually come from a little bit more of a traumatic place where we really were truly shamed or shut down for expressing a very normal feeling, right? Like, I can remember being five, six, seven years old and knowing that I needed to suck my little tears back in, you know, how often I heard something like, wipe that look off your face. Why are you ungrateful? And it's not the worst thing in the world. But as you get older, that became my internal voice, right? And it's like, don't upset anybody, that's going to really upset somebody. How often do we all apologize for crying? How often do we see it? I'm watching the housewife, somebody's crying hysterically and they go, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's like, why are why are we saying sorry for a healthy emotion? And because of that, honestly, my nervous system goes into a full panic mode when my kid cries. And when I first became a mom, I didn't understand what that was. I really had no idea that my body was thinking that there's an emergency, that something is very wrong, that there is a problem, even when there is no problem. And the reason why is because that's what I learned. I learned that crying means danger. It means rejection because honestly, I had, you know, a more extreme reaction to my crying and it was a lot of isolation or escalation or whatever it would be. So I really, as a kid, internalized crying equals danger. And now here we are, I have a child and my body is going into danger mode anytime that they cry. That makes so much sense. And I just want to give little Kristin a hug. Oh, she can't. She doesn't like that. People don't do that. She's isolated right now. She's not available. Okay, let's take a moment, though, to really just dive into the science of exactly what we're talking about here. So what we're describing is actually a lack of co-regulation. Now, co-regulation is what happens when a calm, emotionally present adult helps a child regulate their own emotions in the moment. So if we didn't get that consistently as kids, our brains didn't build the pathways for healthy emotional regulation, which is exactly what you're describing Kristin, like spot on. Instead, we learn to suppress, explode, numb, shut down. And according to the science of attachment, kids develop a secure attachment when their caregivers are attuned, when they're consistently responding with warmth, safety, emotional presence. And I'm not talking about, you know, being perfect, that's just not realistic. We're just talking about being present. So a lot of us didn't get that, which means that we're not just parenting our kids, we're literally re-parenting ourselves at the exact same time in these hard moments. And I really do, again, think that this is a lot of us, most of us, because again, even if it wasn't super traumatic, it was just sort of the go-to. It's like, okay, go get in your room, go to time out, don't even look at me, you can't stop. So really the majority of us who are now becoming parents or who are parents did not get co-regulation. We did not have caregivers that were attuned to our emotions. And so now we're having to figure this out for ourselves while figuring this out for our kids. And I don't know about you, but I think when I understood all of this and that this was actually happening to me, because I had read about it before, but I didn't really put it together until you feel that feeling. I honestly felt a bit of grief. I felt really, really, really sad for the little me who did not have the parent who was saying the words that I was saying to my children. And I'm not saying I was always perfect, but let's say that day I had shown up and I said, let it out, baby girl, let it all out. Or, hey, it's okay to cry. Or before bedtime, I would say, I love every part of you, happy, mad, sad, every part of you is great. And there's this sadness, this grief that comes with this work. It's like an ache in your chest when you sit on the floor and you stay calm during your child's meltdown and a voice inside you whispers, damn, no one ever did this for me. It's the tears that hit when you say, it's okay to be mad, I'm here. And you realize literally not once did you ever hear that. I think that feeling that ache and feeling that wound, but then deciding to show up differently, that is healing. And it's so hard sometimes in the moment. I mean, I don't do it all the time, by the way, let's just put that out there. The fact that we have intention to do it. Exactly. The fact that this is one of your goals and it's at the forefront, like just that alone is enough and that's amazing. And from a neuroscience lens, this is about regulation and reactivity. So when your kid has a big feeling and you go into rage or shutdown, so that's your amygdala. That's the part of your brain that is wired for threat, kicking in, turning on and taking over. Your body isn't just responding to this moment, it's responding to every moment like this that came before. So that's all the childhood stuff right there. Yep. But here's the good news, your brain is plastic, not like literal plastic, plastic in the sense that it can change, it can grow, it can rewire. And that's what we call neuroplasticity. It is magical and it means that there is so much potential and every time you pause, you take a breath, you choose that connection over the control, you're laying new tracks, you're changing the wiring of your brain and it's hard out first because your brain is not used to doing it a new way. And the more you practice, the more you think about this, the more it's your intention, the easier it eventually becomes. So at the beginning though, it feels hard and it's not because you're broken, it's because you're growing, so keep going, you are on the right track, you're doing amazing, every time you even just try. If I can just break this down in a really non-emotional way with repetition of reacting a different way than our nervous system wants to react over time, that groove, if you will, that little groove, you're starting to make a groove in your brain. This is how I think about it. The marble is always going to choose the deeper groove, which is what's been ingrained in you. But each time you go the other side, the groove gets a little deeper and a little deeper and a little deeper until finally it actually becomes the default groove that the marble goes down. Do you understand what I'm saying? Your face is like- Wait, I love that. Oh, really? My face is going, wait, I love the way you describe it. Isn't that a good way to think about it? And then it just keeps going and keeps going. And so then that becomes the default and that becomes deeper and that becomes easy instead of it being resistance to choosing it. Exactly. And what that means by the way, when we're talking about not being perfect, is you're not always going to go down one groove. You're going to be going on your default one more often. But I think it's so tempting to just give up because you're like, I can't do it, I'm an angry person. I am this, I am that. And it's not actually true. Even if you've done it once, you've started making that groove. 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I want to look glowy even though I'm kind of dying on the inside from exhaustion. And the Jones Road Beauty Miracle Bomb gives me that sort of effortless natural look. I love how you can use the Miracle Bomb for multiple steps in our routine. Okay, so we can use it as a highlighter, a bronzer, a blush, a lip tint. It's the ultimate no fuss multi-tasker. No brushes, no complicated routine, just use your fingers and go. That is the kind of makeup I like to use. I use it during busy mornings. I use it for travel. I use it sometimes right when I get out of a workout class because I'm already glowing a little bit and you add a little more glow in under a minute. And the best part of Jones Road Beauty is that all of the products are actually good for your skin. It nourishes your skin instead of clogging or caking. So it looks and it feels natural like you're not wearing any makeup at all. And y'all, I am particular. I am picky and I need that. All the formulas are clean and high performing because clean beauty is a no brainer. Modern day makeup that's clean, strategic and multifunctional for effortless routines. For a limited time, our listeners are getting a free shimmer face oil on their first purchase when they use code big little feelings at checkout. Just head to jonesroadbeauty.com and use code big little feelings at checkout. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them our show sent you. Okay, for the besties listening right now, I want you to ask yourself, what's one thing you wish you had received as a child? Okay, not the big stuff, but the emotional stuff, not the Disneyland, but more of those small moments as a kid. Maybe it's the I see you or you're not too much or you're allowed to feel this right now. What did you need to hear as a child as little you? Just hearing you say that, I mean, I know exactly what I wish someone had shown up and said to me and it's that you're not too much. You're just a kid with a lot of feelings and you're having a hard time and I've got you. That is what I needed to hear to feel safe with my big feelings. Do you say that to yourself now sometimes? I do. You know what? It was weird at first and it took a lot of effort at first because it didn't feel natural. It felt just kind of like forced and strange and then over time, the more I practice this, the more I can in my hard moments really stop and be like, you know what, you're having a hard time. Everybody has a hard time. Sometimes there is nothing wrong with you. We're going to be okay. You can do this. Good for you. I don't feel like I do it in the moment yet. I mean, when I'm in like a red zone, what's my thing? I think I just really needed physical presence is what I have reflected on in years and years and years of therapy whenever we kind of do the inner child work, which by the way besties get into it. I mean, seriously, do some inner child work because it's no joke when you become a parent and any of these things come up. I feel like mine is less of a verbal and it's more that I have to picture somebody actually physically comforting me, which is kind of crazy because like we were at the beginning of the show, I don't really like to be touched, especially in hard moments, but that's because I didn't receive that as a kid. And so when I am trying to sort of quote, unquote, reparent myself or be gentle with myself when I make a mistake, I'm wanting and desiring having someone there with me while I had a hard time holding me and just kind of making me feel safe, which honestly feels pretty scary to share right now. This is some vulnerable shit. This is some therapy shit, but you have to go there and realize all of this. It's just bubbling underneath the surface what we didn't get as kids, especially if you were sent away and isolated. You have to relearn that your feelings, all the feelings, mad, sad, like all of them are okay and you don't have to just be in it alone. That one is so hard on so many levels. Are you that way too? Because I know you were sent away a lot. So don't you feel like you have to fix these things yourselves? If anything is a mistake, by the way, it's my fault, everything is wrong, blah, blah, but also like I'm going to fix this myself. I can do everything myself. I don't need any one. Like I never ask for help. I never bob a bob and like I'm going to fix this. And that's like my instant reaction, whether I'm sad, it's like I have to do this all. It's almost victim. Like I'm going to have to do this and no one will help me. If I'm mad, I'm like, I'm going to fucking do this. I'll do this all on my own. It's like my instant reaction because of being put in isolation so much. Same. Yeah. That's something I've had to really work through. How'd you do that? Yeah. Honestly, I feel like therapy has helped a ton because it's given me some self-awareness of like what I'm feeling that all my feelings are okay that I can handle them and at the same time. I feel like this is something I'm still honestly working on, especially as a mom, by the way, especially right when I had kids, that default kicked back in where it was like, I will handle everything on my own. I don't need anybody, especially when my partner in this case, my husband was kind of letting me down and not showing up. My default kicked in where it was like, all right, screw it. I'll just do it by myself then if nobody cares. Nobody cares about how I'm feeling and I'm clearly suffering. I'll just do it on my own. That took a lot of work to figure out and a lot of honestly, like couples therapy, us going together and learning how to hear each other better. That kind of healed a little bit. Once he understood how to start helping and then I understood how to share it more and we could share the load, that was very, very healing, but at the same time, I mean, the default just kicks back in here and there. It's just so deep for me. So deep. I think again, like most women, it's just so deep to be like, you know what? I'm just going to do this on my own and I've been taught I need to do this on my own. I need to do it with a smile and I need to look pretty well. I do it and I need to look a certain way, be a certain way, sound a certain way, but don't sound like that because then you'll be too bossy. Everybody will think you're a bitch and then don't do this way. It's hard because it's from our childhood. It's from being sent to isolation when you have upset feelings, but it's also society. It's also learning. Little girls need to take care of everyone. They need to take care of everybody and do it a certain way and look a certain way. It's just hard to break that cycle. And I think for me, it's like I probably should do more of the work that you're talking about, which is letting other people in and softness and help you. I think for me, what I'm working on a lot is trying not to give in to the she's a bitch fear. That's what I'm really trying to work on because I think so many women in business, but also just anywhere, honestly, we do not speak our minds. We do not ask for our basic needs, let alone any needs. We don't stand for what we want or what we deserve, whether that is in the workplace or out of the workplace, in fear of being labeled dramatic too much a bitch. And that all stems from the same childhood societal messaging. That's the one I'm really trying to work on is the comfort of knowing not everybody's going to like me. Really hard. Really hard. But did we become content creators for this healing? Because I feel like we did. 100%. I feel like it wrecked me for three and a half years and something happened this year where I was like, oh, wait, there's a lot of people who aren't going to like me. I can either disappear and stop doing this, but also people won't like me in real life too. Or I can continue doing this and people just aren't going to like me. I'm like, that's fine. That's fine. Yeah, you have to be okay with that because if you're trying to do it all and be everything for everyone, which is not realistic, that is a recipe for burnout. And resentment, by the way. And then people don't like you because you're pretty resentful. It's like bubbling underneath the surface. You're a bitter ass bitch that happened to me last year. Yes, we could get better ass bitch tattoos. Both of us. Wait a minute. Why doesn't anybody like me? I'm trying so hard to get people to like me. And then it's just this cycle. So I think what I've learned is you just have to be yourself and vocalize for your needs. And then people don't like you, but at least you are not dying on the inside suffocating with all of your needs unmet. 100%. So I've been doing a little spring reset with my closet lately. And by that, I mean, I'm staring at my clothes thinking, why do I have so many things and nothing I actually want to wear? So I made a shift. Fewer pieces, better materials and things that I actually want to wear. That is why I keep coming back to Quince. Because everything just feels more elevated. I have this sweater that I wear constantly for work. Like whenever we have an appearance or an interview, it is my go to. It feels amazing and it just works. Then I have this silk dress from Quince that I wear for date nights. It gives kind of like that effortless. I didn't really try, but I still look very put together and I'm comfortable vibe. 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Not only did 88% of users in their clinical studies see less gray hair growth, many reported improved fullness, shine and thickness. Most people cover grays, but you can actually slow their progression. For a limited time, our listeners get 15% off by using code BLF at array.com. Just head to arey.com and use code BLF and you're all set. After your purchase, they will ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them our show sent you. Let's dive into some tools to actually repair in ourselves. So let's go over four really powerful tools that are actually really easy to use, very doable in your hard moments. Tool number one, when you are having a hard moment, you are literally going to pause and name your feeling. That is it. Name the feeling to yourself. I'm feeling scared. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm feeling mad, frustrated, whatever it is. Naming your feeling helps contain all the internal chaos and organize it so it doesn't feel so overwhelming in that moment. Tool number two, you're going to calm your nervous system and ground yourself. There's lots of different ways that you can do this, but when you are having a hard time, when the feelings are overwhelming, your nervous system is in the red. The alarm bells are going off. We want to help calm it all down and bring it back to baseline. And some ways that you can do this, put one hand on your chest, one hand on your belly, and take a deep breath. It may sound overly simple, but I promise it really helps and it really works. Another thing you can do is put your back against a wall. It's so simple, but literally just go lean with your back against the wall. And the reason this works, it's a very primal thing, but think about back when we were like cave people, if you only have to look in front of you and you don't have to worry about any threats behind you, it is a hack that calms your nervous system. This works in today's world too. Love it. Another thing you can do to help calm that amygdala and get other parts of your brain firing is to smell something very intense. You're going to bring in your other senses and turn them on to calm the amygdala. So this might be grabbing an orange. It might be grabbing some cinnamon out of your cabinet. Whatever is around you, open it up, take a big smell, and that can help ground your system too. Tool number three is all about how you're talking to yourself in this moment. This is huge because a lot of times we are not even aware of what we're saying and we're beating ourselves up. We are spiraling in the emotions, but when we pause and we intentionally say things to ourself like, I am not in danger right now. I feel overwhelmed and I can handle this. This feeling, it will pass. Even just a simple, I am safe right now. All of these things can help your nervous system calm down and literally change the way that your brain is firing in the moment so that you can shift out of just pure reaction mode and into response mode. And reaction mode, by the way, isn't necessarily us. It's not, oh, I'm dramatic or I'm this way. The reaction mode, it's that instinctual neural pathway that was built by how our parents responded to us. So if crying felt like an emergency because we knew we were about to get in really big trouble, then guess what? We're going to feel like it's an emergency every single time we feel sad or overwhelmed or if your parents had some sort of negative talk with you when you were upset, oh, God, you're this or you're that or you're too much, you're going to say that to yourself when you're upset, when you're overwhelmed. You're going to be like, God, why am I like this? I'm such a blah blah blah. That's what I do. Like I drop something. I'm like, what's wrong with me? And that's because I was always heard. What's wrong with you? This one for me, tool number three, is like some of the biggest work that I do for myself, just simply saying there is nothing wrong with you. It's okay to feel mad right now. Period. Exactly. It's amazing and you get to rewrite the story now. You get to be the author of your life and that rewires your brain. So tool number four is all about the inner child check-in. In that hard moment, you can pause and you can ask yourself, what did I need when I was little, when I was upset? Can I give some of that to myself right now? So you close your eyes, you picture yourself as two-year-old you, four-year-old, six-year-old you. What would you say to them if they were having a hard time, if they were overwhelmed, if they were sad or mad or scared? Giving yourself that comfort, that soothing that so many of us didn't have intentionally in this moment as an adult helps so so much and can change everything. Okay, so those are the four tools to keep with you, keep them in your pocket. Use them whenever you need them. I mean, literally every day. I use those four tools every day when we say that, whenever you need them. It's every day. You're triggered every day and this is the work. It seems so simple. It seems so small, but this is the work and you're doing it. You're already doing it with your kid because I see you, you're here, you're listening to this podcast and now it's time to do the work with yourself. And it's easier than you think when you have kids, actually, because you're sort of priming your brain to actually start reacting this way. I don't know if you feel this way, Dina, but it was a lot easier to give myself grace or to validate my own feelings or all of these things because I was already doing it with my own kids. I think about like when they spill a cup of milk, right? I'm like, of course they're allowed to make mistakes. Of course they are. And then I'm like, why am I not allowed to make mistakes? Everyone can make mistakes except for me. Exactly. That is the work. So, Bestie, if you've ever felt like you're bad at this whole parenting thing, it's not you. It's that no one ever showed you how. And now you're doing the most sacred work there is. Not just breaking cycles, but becoming the cycle your child will remember. You don't have to be perfect. You just have to do it differently. And that, that's already everything you never got. That's already love. And that is a revolution. And if this episode cracks something open for you, if you're sitting there thinking, okay, I get it. I want to do this work, but how do I actually do it? Like in real life, in the middle of Target, when your kid is just screaming and crying in the middle of a belt down on the floor, well, we've got you. That's exactly why we created our big little feelings courses. They're not just full of tips. They're step-by-step guides for real moments when your child is hitting, when they're melting down, when they're pushing every last button. But most importantly, they help you build your own regulation skills too. Because this isn't just about fixing behavior, although our courses do that too. It's about healing. It's about raising emotionally healthy kids and becoming the parent you always needed. You don't have to white-knuckle this on your own. Or here, we've got you. You can find our courses at biglittlefeelings.com slash courses, and they're packed with practical tools that shift tough behaviors and build resilience in the long run. So let's keep growing together. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.