Healing Isn’t Pretty: How to Know You’re Actually Changing

Looking back at the different iterations or versions of yourself, is there evidence of personal evolution? Is there evidence that you're becoming more empathetic, that you're understanding the consequences of your actions more? Are you able to be more patient? Are you able to choose peace if you weren't able to choose peace before? If you were before a people pleaser that couldn't speak up for yourself, are you able to be a little bit more direct and assertive, even if that ruffles people's feathers? Those are all signs of change, but we have to keep in mind that these are going to happen seasonally. Your brain is wired for deception, but here's the truth. Patterns can be broken. The code can be rewritten. Once you hear the truth, you can't go back. So the only question is, are you ready to listen? Welcome to another episode of Decoded. I'm busy going on and today is going to be something just a little bit different. Over the season so far, and gosh, I can't believe how many episodes we are in when you really commit to filming weekly. It's unbelievable how much content you can pull through. So today's going to be a little bit different, more off the cuff, free flowing, based on things that I've been thinking about over the last few weeks. So today we're having a conversation around what it looks like to both healing, right, to be in that healing space. And what it looks like to be healed, because I think there's some misconceptions here. And I see this lead to a lot of conflict. I see this lead to a lot of arguments. I also see it lead to a lot of faulty assumptions about who's doing the work and if they're doing the work. So I'd like to jump in here and try to shed a little bit of light on what a human being looks like when they're in the space of healing. And what a human being should look like when they are in fact healed, right? And if you're listening to the audio version of that, I just put healed in air quotes because the human experience is really complex. If you look at it, for example, from a biblical paradigm, human beings as a result of the fall in Genesis are essentially cast down into the world losing their spiritual site. And they're essentially able to be tested and tricked and deceived, et cetera. And we're being called, publicly, for example, to learn to see what our spiritualize and not be afraid and controlled by fear and anxiety by what it looks like is happening in front of us in the three dimensional space. Another way to look at this would be we're called to walk by faith, not by sight. So you're called to understand the spiritual inner workings of things, not just what it looks like right in front of your eyes. For those of you that may have struggled with anxiety, this can be incredibly challenging, right? And anxiety shows up one part psychic, one part superhero, and it tries to give you this running list of all the things you could or should do to try to prevent danger. If you flip it and look at it from again, that more spiritual perspective, you're often being asked to surrender, trust the process, not actually try to control every little thing and try to have that moment of straddling to worlds believing that some future reality is possible. But we'll potentially also not immediately stepping in and taking these of the world human steps right now in break method, I call this process controlled surrender. I'll fill in some of these gaps and help you get a working definition of controlled surrender, because I think this is definitely a key concept to really bring to life what healing and being healed looks like. One day when I was my early 20s and for context, I grew up having panic attacks all day long every day from roughly 9 to 19. I was and frankly still am claustrophobic, I really don't like tight and close spaces, my one Achilles heel even at the age of 40 is I hate elevators will get to that another episode. I don't like enclosed spaces and my brain is definitely inclined toward seeing too far into the future and calculating too many what ifs and really desiring to try to prevent danger at all costs. I had a radical experience when I was 19 that helped me drop out of my perpetual state of panic attacks, thank God. But this claustrophobia thing still remained and in my early 20s, I had an opportunity to participate in a sweat lodge during this sweat lodge was the very first time that I became actively aware and able to listen to the inner monologue that was trying to prevent me from doing things that I actually consciously wanted to do. So if you think about a time that you set a goal for something you were really sure that you want to do something but then as soon as you were actually faced with committing and taking that step all the sudden that negative self talks are to flow like ticker tape and all the sudden you're backing down on your commitment you're finding excuses to not commit you're believing it on somebody else why you're not going to commit nonetheless something is happening functionally with language in your mind that is trying to alter your trajectory. And oftentimes it's altering a trajectory that also makes it so that you can't actually get to the goal that you want. So as I'm lined up outside of this sweat lodge and I'm looking at all the people that are about to funnel into this tiny little homemade dome with sticks and twigs and branches and blankets. I just remember looking at it being like what have I gotten myself into because I'm so claustrophobic and I can see how many people are about to funnel into this tiny space and I remember going to stand on the line and immediately hearing a voice make sure you're the last in so that you're closest to the door. And I'm hearing it and thinking well geez if I do that then I'm for sure going to like hit the eject button and get myself out of here because I'm making it too easy for myself. So this is my very first experience of both that negative self talk directive but also with my very first attempt at pattern opposition where I pushed back and I said no but I I want to do this I want to conquer this fear I want to get over my claustrophobia and if I listen to what my brain is telling me to do I will be closest to the door and surely I'll make it too easy for myself to just get out. So what did I do I pose my pattern I made sure to be the first one in because both the lines kind of funnel from the side so if you're the first one and you're like all the way at the back and there's kind of two half circles and there's only one door. So I get myself all the way to the first for this back spot that I can go and at the time I was sitting next to my then mother in law and my mother in law was a very tough Japanese woman definitely like a fafo sort of parent archetype and I remember thinking like okay you know one in doubt i'll just look over to my you me her presence will be somewhat calming no no. I realize very quickly sweat lodges and surely this is part of the point they challenge a lot of people even that may not actually have fears of claustrophobia explicitly and I was watching people around me sort to kind of melt down in panic so I realize very quickly like this is going to be a me and god thing a me and me thing and I really can't look to anybody else for any sort of calm this is going to have to be an inside job. And I remember listening to some of the changing i'm feeling it get hotter i can feel that intense rising of anxiety and at this point i'm kind of trying my best to meet all of this very clear language of inner dialogue of like save yourself get out of here now what everybody dies what if you know and I think up at this point there are a bunch of news stories of people dying in a sweat lodge because somebody wouldn't let them out so of course like all these news stories and things that feel very logical and practical are running through my head. And I remember just being like let's cut the bleep. You chose to be here you want to do this we're going to conquer this today and I took my hand and I pressed it onto the cold dirt right underneath where the blankets were so I could feel the distinction between the hot internal environment and I could feel the cold dirt that was just outside of the blanket. And I remember in that moment putting my hand there and saying to myself busy gold you are strong enough right now that in an emergency situation you could stand up and tear this entire sweat lodge apart like this is made out of sticks and branches and blankets like you got this is not a concrete structure but you are choosing to submit and surrender to this experience and not do that you know that you could but you're choosing not to and I was able to stay in forever single. And do it honestly pretty flawlessly without problem when I got out people that knew me they were like I did not think you're going to make it I'm so impressed I thought you're going to be the first out because people were tapping out but I didn't tap out. So I'm sharing this to kind of frame up here that the way I had established myself in the world was as somebody who very clearly everyone thought would be the first out so I broke that paradigm because I was opposing my pattern. Controlled surrender has to be a part of the process of healing but before you can do that you have to be really honest with yourself about what patterns of self deception are generating this negative self talk and you have to get good at learning to listen to it without twisting it or trying to put it on somebody else but actually face it head on even if it makes you feel a personal discussed even if it makes you feel embarrassed even if you're not. If it makes you feel less than or hopeless that is a part of the process we have to confront all of these things first which I had to do and for years leading up to this my life had been so overcome by fear and anxiety that even if I thought about what I wanted to do with my life as an adult. It would always be piggybacked with but you can't because of XYZ like but then you're going to have to fight on airplane then you're going to have to go on an elevator so I just literally little by little I just limited what I thought I could do with myself and at this point I frankly wasn't doing a lot with myself I was living on the on the big island of Hawaii. I tried my hardest to stop my brain from atrophying by doing the New York Times crossword puzzle every morning but often I was laying on the beach watching my life just kind of drift by playing it safe knowing full well that I was way outside of the destiny that I was called to in my life but also couldn't get past my own fear enough to just take some action take some bold chances to put myself right into the face of danger. Eventually as you know obviously by the fact that I do what I do now and I am where I am now that's all changed for me and change is going to be seasonal and changes relative am I the same person today that I was two years ago am I the same person today that I was six months ago am I the same person today that I was ten years ago. So one of the first steps I want you to think about as you're listening to this is looking back at the different iterations or versions of yourself is their evidence of personal evolution is their evidence that you're becoming more empathetic that you're understanding the consequences of your actions more are you able to be more patient are you able to choose peace if you weren't able to choose peace before. If you were before a people pleaser that couldn't speak up for yourself are you able now to maybe be a little bit more direct and assertive even if that ruffles people's feathers those are all signs of change but we have to keep in mind that these are going to happen seasonally. Is having a conversation with somebody and this is what honestly sparked a lot of this conversation because it's a conversation that I've thought about having multiple times I have it with clients every single day when they're graduating like what what does the path ahead look like. And I think the most simple way to set the stage for this is healing looks like becoming more aware of the areas that you are potentially acting out dysregulated behaviors or coping mechanisms that aren't serving you or you're allowing that sort of negative self talk ticker tape to run the show and director actions that you're not doing the things that could actually be exactly the pattern opposition you need to do the things that you want to do. So are you able to look back and reflect over some period of time and see that you're not just aware of those things but you're taking action on those things are you taking increasing actions on those things are you seeing the evidence of the changes that you're making in your life through your relationships through your career through your body image through your internal dialogue. Those are the main things that you want to be looking at first and foremost because if you look back arguably if we look from kind of childhood to at a minimum like mid to late 20s. You could pretty much describe if I was like give me a 10 point summary of who you are as a person in those ages and what your biggest strongholds or areas of setback where most people can write those things down. I was fearful. I was really quiet and would placate everybody and then eventually would just completely fly off the handle and snap in high school. I had been in physical altercations sometimes even with boys. But more than anything else if there was a hierarchy I was so afraid of everything I kept my life so limited I couldn't think about all these big things I want to do in my life because there was always a but afterward. If I look at my life now and most people see how I love my life how I engage most people would never think that I ever was like that I wouldn't I didn't go on an airplane for six years you guys I got stuck on the big guy and like I got so in my head about fear flying that I just couldn't even get on a plane. Now I fly like every other week for work earlier in my life looking back seasonally I used to once I was finally able to fly then I couldn't fly without drinking alcohol. Now I fly sober all the time in fact I was completely sober for six years so there are seasons and does me drinking to fly mean that I'm not in the process of healing because before I couldn't fly at all I was so stuck that I literally couldn't even do it. No, I that was a step in my healing journey and would it be something that I should be dependent on for the rest of my life. No, but healing happens in season so now I can fly without drinking. Then even if I go back a few years ago then I could fly without drinking but if there was any turbulence all the sudden heart rate through the roof I'm gripping the sides I'm breaking out I'm trying to distract myself with something and I had this really amazing experience on my way to Arizona this last week. Your brain isn't broken it's running an old code break method is a system that maps your neurological patterns decodes your emotional distortions and rewires your behavior fast no talk therapy spiral no getting stuck in your feelings just logic based rewiring in 20 weeks or less had to break method calm and see what your brain is really up to. So I'm on the plane and I'm just feeling so relaxed and at peace on the plane which nowadays often happens but certainly still not with turbulence and all the sudden you know the pilot gets on he's like hey you know there's this like big tropical storm coming. It's we're probably in for pretty rough ride i'm not going to have the you know the airline or flight attendants come through the drink service because it's just it's going to be too bumpy so. You know we're going to be landing in about 45 minutes just kind of stay buckled and even explicitly said. Do not go in the laboratory like just don't so I remember hearing this and thinking to myself I could like hear the negative self talk start and then I was just like no I was like this is going to be great and I literally opposed my pattern so hard that I put away my laptop I put away all the stuff that I was working on any distraction that typically I would dip into no slammed it shut put my computer in the seat back and I literally just like sat forward. I was going to go on a roller coaster ride I sat forward and I look at the guy next me and I was like this is going to be fun and he was in the military and he's like hell yeah and I was like hell yeah so I sit forward and i'm just looking out the window and i'm like watching everything we're just bumping all over the place and I had the biggest smile on my face you guys. This was a moment for me that I've been waiting for literally for years and I've finally arrived I can now be at a place where I'm so at peace and I'm so accustomed to that process of surrender that any of even my kind of like the echoes in my nervous system of what I used to be afraid of gone I enjoyed the whole thing I think I actually smiled and treated it like roller coaster. So I share this with you because this is how we have to look at healing that there are signs of change and progress this doesn't mean that I didn't heal if I didn't go immediately from i'm so afraid to fly that now I can be excited about turbulence in a very short gap healing takes time healing is a process and it's going to happen in layers and often when you get to that new layer there are new levels of awareness that actually pop up and now there's just like a video game it's like you don't necessarily know how many levels there are but every time you get to a new level all the sudden you're confronted with this new stuff and you're like ooh opportunity for refinement here so healing is a process of refinement and it is a process of refinement that can be really challenging and I share this because it's very easy for somebody on the outside looking in to maybe judge your person. So I think that's a very important thing to do is to do a process or to not understand your process I think more often than not the misunderstanding the process precedes the judgment people judge what they don't understand and often people judge without taking the time to roll up sleeves and ask questions and actually put themselves in your shoes and I think that is really important for us as human beings especially those of us that are in a healing capacity where we show up to help others heal both in a support structure but also in a bearing witness structure. You have to be able to believe in that person believe what they are capable of and also very much hold space for their humanity in break method for example you see clients who in a span of three to four months radically change like so much so it can be absolutely mind boggling does that mean that they are going to land the plane perfectly 100% of the time absolutely not that I mean I think kind of the whole point of this is not only a way to do that. So the only thing is that answer absolutely not but the question which is somewhat rhetorical is is that actually what we're going for because I don't actually think that it is I believe that being healed for example to contrast being healed means that you understand your patterns of self deception you're able to take ownership if you do something wrong you're able to in the moment that something's breaking down stop yourself and be like whoop okay see what's happening here let me fix this. Let me redo this and you your desires either to stop it midway prevented entirely or at a minimum clean it up after it's done all three of those are still a sign that you have actually done the work because someone who has not done the work and is not doing the work they're in people doing all three of those things they can't stop themselves they can't see the self deception in the moment and hit the pause button and fix it and they certainly don't do it and then seek to clean it up they point more fingers. They split they project they deflect and they can actually sit there and reason through the process with you so when I look at what healed looks like. Healed is going to be evidenced by looking at seasons of your life and seeing progress evolution change and not just awareness but actual change in behavior example when I look back at different iterations of other companies that I've owned. I've been through pendulum swings of in the earliest years of some of my earlier companies sort of in like the 2012 to 2015 16 time frame. I was like just really scratching the surface of my work with break and while so many parts of that were working in my marriage I hadn't yet gotten to the place where I was able to embody that in my workplace in the workplace was like my most patterned original OG form of busy possible. So things would happen like this where I would have to fire an employee and everyone in the staff was clear that this had to happen a lot of them are like busy you have to do this and I would try to pump myself up and I would go to fire the person and then I'd come back and they're like so did you do it and I look at them like I think I accidentally gave them a raise like on they're like busy gold why would you do this I could not just be direct and honest. And honest and give the feedback I just felt too much for people I would start people pleasing and placating I would cover up I would even take on more myself just to not hurt the person. Now 2025 busy is getting the opposite feedback right sometimes my accountability my directness is received as to harsh aggressive right and I certainly don't think that that's 100% of the time but I can certainly be the case. When you're in the process of healing sometimes that looks like a pendulum swing but I also want to draw attention here to one of the signs of both healing and being healed is looking at frequency of something so example if when you're 25 the majority of your relationships would have been marked by like x y and z behavior and they were happening all the time so like frequency of like 75% higher if you're now 40 and you've been working you've been doing work like break method you've been actively trying to oppose your patterns to try to bring through that healing process change your behavior become more empathetic seek to understand people more instead of just assume what they're doing or why they're doing it or even worse let your own self deception fill in those gaps. If you're looking at it from that perspective and you can say I do this 20% less I do this 30% less this only happens to me 10% of the time when I'm really tired guess what you should still give yourself a pat on the back because you are a human being and part of the human experience is pain and suffering and stress right being a human being on planet earth it's hard. Being an entrepreneur is hard being apparent an entrepreneur is hard being in a relationship is hard being single is hard not knowing what your spiritual or existential framework is is hard all these things are hard. What is not acceptable is for people to from the outside looking in not acknowledge progress my entire job role is to help people acknowledge progress and just because that progress is not 100% of the time does not mean that that person is a fraud it doesn't mean that they're not doing the work it means that they're a human being and in my work I would way rather and I tell the story. When we're taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part in taking part part of life. And we can't let these experiences somehow invalidate or flip on us all the work that many of you and myself have been doing. That is a part of healing and growth. That is a part of the human experience. I think another great sign of healing is being able to take full responsibility and ownership of some of your absolute worst behaviors. And also things that may still sneak attack you. One of the things that I tell my students all the time and break when they inevitably look at their nine markers and they're like, so am I going to be like this forever? I always tell them that your brain pattern and the nine markers that we have actually described for you, they are a constitutional pattern. The way this plays out functionally is you can take the steps to heal, to rewire, to create new neural pathways to change these behaviors. And you could land the plane most of the time. When this is going to sneak attack you is when life throws you a curve ball, when your stress is at the max, when you're sleep deprived, when a perfect storm happens and 10 things go wrong. When those things happen, the way our brain pattern works is it's like a default setting. All of the work that you've done, all of the new understanding that you have about the world, all of this new found patients and empathy and understanding that can fly out the window in about 1.5 seconds. That is why you have to understand the warning signs of when that has happened so you can double back down and be like, woof, I'm sorry everybody, that was awful. I didn't mean for that to happen. And guess what? Another part of being healed is to understand other people and give them grace and grace and space to be a human. I example my husband and I have an awesome relationship and he just like I am always actively doing the work. When I travel, when I have to fly for work and he's stuck at home with four kids and of course yes they're our kids but being home by yourself for four days no matter what whether you're the man or the woman is hard, especially if you're used to co-parenting and role differentiation, all of that which we very much are. It's hard. That would put strain on most relationships and it certainly does on mine. There have been trips where that strain is high and it impacts my ability to show up at work. There are times that I'm sure that impacts my husband's ability to be calm and regulated around my kids but you know what? You get home, you sit down, you regroup, you reaffirm, you're loving your commitment for each other and you try to learn the lesson and do better the next time. You don't bury your heads in the sand, you don't go pointing fingers at the other person, well you did this and you do that, no, you're committed to the marriage and you understand what went wrong. You have the framework to look at check marks. I didn't do this, I didn't do this, that made this happen with you and then you didn't do this and you didn't do this, how are we going to fix this? So another sign of being healed is being solutions focused. You have to be able to actually run back the tape and figure out what went wrong. I was a competitive skier my whole life. One of the things that you have to do over and over and over again on a big screen TV is have your run analyzed in front of all of your competitors. So all of your competitors are sitting right here. There's a huge big screen TV and frame by frame your coach is like, pause, do you see how right here you dropped that knee and you dropped it up and there's just picking you apart in front of all of your competitors which you know most of which based on your age you're going to be competing against these people. What it does functionally number one, it helps you see where the mistake is mechanically so that you can correct it. It also toughens you up doing that in front of your peers rapid fire all the time for years. It makes it easier for you to look at these things and look at them formulically. Instead of this why did I do it in this sort of like kind of spiritual broad feelings based approach. It instead look at what did I do and what happened in my life that created a scenario that allowed me somehow to justify that or not see I was doing it until too late. That is a massive sign of healing when you can hit the pause button and be like okay without us both getting in our feelings right now what could we have done differently. Another thing that I want to dig into that I think is super super important and we're going to do this in a part two. So we're going to do two shorter ones just because of the way my schedule is I'm going to leave you on a bit of a cliffhanger. Another thing that I want to focus on here is when you're in a partnership or example you're in a business partnership no matter what something where you are around a person all the time and both parties are actively trying to do the work. You have to be able to see progress, celebrate the progress and not actually try to weaponize these momentary lapses in judgment against the person. So example would be this last weekend going back to this idea of having to travel. I had to travel for four days. It was a long trip and on my way home I was telling my husband hey mom my way home how's everything going and he responded to me I'm really burnt out but let's catch up when you're home I love you and I said honey I love you so much I'm going to make it up to you thank you for holding down the fork and he said babe you're on mission that is a positive sign and just because maybe two trips ago everything descended into total chaos and we had to clean it up at the end doesn't mean that my husband right isn't doing the work just like if I have a momentary lapse where everything is on my shoulders and I f bomb for like an hour and then I'm like all right that was uncalled for my stress that a maximum clearly I need to take a self-care day that doesn't mean that I'm a fraud just like he is not a fraud and you are not a fraud nobody and I hope you really hear me when I say this nobody expects you to be a hundred percent perfect all the time that is not what healed looks like being healed doesn't mean that you have to not be a human being being a human being is a messy flawed experience every day bring something completely brand new and we have to have empathy and grace and patience for people and we can't just negate all of the good because of some of the bad because that is part of the human experience and our next episode we're going to be taking this into a parenting container we're also going to be taking this into a work tenure and we're going to continue to expand on this concept in the context of relationships I hope that this is helping you because I do think that our understanding of these processes can absolutely get weaponized and as an example I have met many people in kind of like the spiritual Wu community that are so clear that they're healed but they can't do any of the things that I just described therefore by the definition that I'm trying to pull out for you guys today what does that mean it means potentially that they're highly aware but they're not actually taking any action there's no evidence that they are changing they're just weaponizing language we need to be able to see evidence of change and that evidence of change can happen in seasons it can happen little by little and sometimes you have to look at it with ratios so the message I want to leave you with today is hold yourself accountable also give yourself grace remember that you are a human being that has a spirit and a soul and you're having a incredibly challenging human experience and to have people try to judge or blame you for things when you're actively trying to do the work that's not helpful and I hope that I've never shown up that way to my clients and I will continue to try to hold that space of what they are capable of and keep trying to meet them in that place to do that job because it's work that needs to be done people need grace empathy understanding and then a lot of times people also need to swift kick in the ass which I have needed before too so you've got to wrap all that up with a bow and of course be be in spiritual integrity as you're doing it so lots of love to all today next week's episode is going to be a part two to this conversation I hope you enjoyed it if you want to share this with somebody who might need a little bit of reminder about what healing or healed looks like or even just some encouragement go ahead and send it I'll see you guys soon your brain is wired for deception but here's the truth patterns can be broken the code can be rewritten once you hear the truth you can't go back so the only question is are you ready to listen if you're not taking the next part if you're not taking the next part if you're not