Is It Me…or Are My Friends Leaving Me Out?

I think healthy friendships don't require you to like constantly audit over and over and over again. What did I do? Why am I being left out? Why are they hanging out without me? Why'd she fuck all these guys at my wedding? This podcast is a Dear Media production. Hi, guys. Hi, guys. Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat. Welcome back. This is late in the day. Actually, it is like 5 p.m. I don't know how you're having a coffee. You're having like a 4.39 p.m. coffee. This is not typical Raina Greenberg. I feel like I asked you two questions today that are crazy that I don't know about you. Because like you and I are like partners in life. I just assume that like I would know everything about you. I asked you, do you have TV on as background noise? Yes. Which I think is a pretty common thing to know about your partner in life. And I didn't know the answer to that. Do you passively have TV in the background? You said no. But you knew I didn't go to sleep with the TV on. No, I just mean when you're working during the day, a lot of people are like, I have TV on in the background. I wasn't sure. And then I also asked you what your relationship is to coffee at different times of the day. You know, most people are like, oh, I can't look at a cup of coffee after 3 p.m. Oh, you do. You drink an afternoon coffee plenty of time. Well, I've seen you drink nighttime coffees before we do shows. Yeah. But we need energy for that, so that's different. I've never really thought about it. You didn't know if I had a cutoff. I didn't know if you were like, oh, after 4 p.m., I can't, I'll never go to sleep. If I was that person, I would have said it in eight years. I'm saying I don't know. Well, that's because I'm self-involved. I don't listen to people. No. I can drink coffee anytime, all day long. I can mainline coffee. But I was saying I don't have some like, oh, if I have it after this hour, I'll never fall asleep. I wouldn't drink it at 10 p.m. and then try to go to sleep at 11. and I typically don't have it after dinner, but sometimes I might. Sometimes I'd be having coffee. Yeah. I do have espresso martinis. So you're a pee in me. I do have espresso martinis at dinner. Oh, yeah. I don't know if this is interesting to anybody, but that'll keep you up, I feel like. But that's the sugar, that's the alcohol, the things. What a hot take. That's like a Red Bull and vodka. That guy one time, he's a Bravo Leopardy. Him and I were just hanging out all night. He could buy me espresso martinis. I had four. I was up till five in the morning. Diabolical. I was vibrating and shaking and staring at the ceiling. Too many for your little body also. That should have been your limit. And this is the first time I'm hearing this. Four espresso martinis? Four espresso martinis. Martinis in general is a two max, should be for most people, I think. Martinis, yeah. Whatever you want to do is fine. But I also wasn't drinking martinis in my biggest drinking, binge drinking days. But I love a martini now. But even when we were getting so fucked up, I remember Corey, like this one time she had three. and she was just on her ass. We lost her. I mean, three martinis, three vodka martinis. That's just so much vodka. That's like, I could never. So much alcohol. Like at least espresso martinis have way more in them, but a dirty martini, three. You were in the hospital. You're drinking so much vodka. I don't know how people do it. I have one martini in, whatever. Yeah. Two. One Shashanka's martini. I'm like, ooh. Lay it down tonight. Last night, I ordered us both wine for the movie and I drank my cup and the movie ended and I was like, are you going to drink that? Because I'm going to finish that. I know. Right after Wuthering Heights, which we've already talked about in the snack, you were like, I need to finish your wine. It was really bad. I was just too fucked up after that movie. It was just such a – I should just stick to the Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc at the movie theater because I know what it tastes like, like a cheap Pinot Noir. It just was so warm. I was surprised you ordered it. I just thought it would be something drinkable. It was not. I was like, I don't like this. and I'm not, it's pointless. Yeah, I know. Well, I'm glad that you had it because I really needed to drink that. Okay, well, let's thank our partners and we'll get into it. Thank you to Skim. Get our favorite bras and underwear at skims.com slash GGE and Chime. Bank fee free by signing up at chime.com slash girls gotta eat. And thank you to Hers. Get the support that actually reflects your needs. Start your free intake at forhers.com. Okay, this week is my LA shows. I am very excited. You guys, I'm going to stop talking about my stupid live shows after this, I promise. But my LA shows of this week, la west hollywood is sold out for march 1st i'm sorry but pasadena on thursday the 26th at the ice house no affiliation the winter house the winter house is the winter house pasadena see there tickets are still available to that if you live on the east side it's a super quick drive or you know fly that fly from wherever you're coming from but that show will be great and then i have philly coming up that is not sold out on march 11th and it's salt lake city which i'm really excited about you're welcome holy city i was pushing for that you were i mean i love salt lake we devote to but it did not make the tour poster it was like a last minute ad so april 8th reina greenberg.com those are tour tickets some say it is the best show that you can see currently i am the person that says that me and my dad the best show out there currently that exists you know what's so funny i was thinking about how at your tampa show i felt like a proud mother and i was like was because i was sitting next to your father like literally it was like two parents like that's the closest I felt to being a parent was seeing your show and being so proud sitting next to your real father you gave me away you are my real father okay we have a couple other housekeeping things so we have talked about my husband my current husband Shashank's app a few times it's called kitchen sink you guys are loving it I have these messages I'm getting them like he's had so many downloads like people are obsessed with it like we get texts from all the people in our lives all day long like my brother was just texting me because he's telling all his friends they're sending in pictures of the recipes we're making like kate and chad they sent me a picture of the recipe they made last week and also just people in my dms i love hearing your stories like i'm a mom and i'm cooking for my husband tonight or whatever you guys have going on cooking for having some girls over having a girls dinner so this is this recipe app that he created and came up with and totally built and we've talked about it before but i wanted to just plug it today because he is launching the premium version today and the features are so fucking cool so there's a social import so any recipe you see on tiktok and instagram if the recipe is listed all you do is share it and it goes right into the app so it builds a shopping list for you like the app already had done and you have it saved so all those recipes that you have saved on instagram am i ever going to make these get them in the kitchen sink app and then you have them all did you ever see that meme it's like i don't know who i thought i was when i saved that post like i can't tell you how often i save a post on instagram and i'm just like i'm never going back there do you think he's gonna give me a free subscription yes he's already he didn't tell you yet that he's gifting me a free no like today matt my brother texted he was like make sure you don't like don't pay for it the premium is paid and it's really affordable and so yeah honestly i'll support the family i'll buy your subscription okay yeah so you can get the annual you'll save money on the monthly and then there is a few days of a free trial if you want to check it out and just see if you want to use these features and pay for them. The two other features that he's done are ones that people suggested and that they want. It's a pantry feature. If you were a diner, this pantry feature that you put in everything that you do have currently in your kitchen so you can work with it, especially if you want to get rid of. But even if all your spices and your condiments, whatever you have going on, make it easier. And then the other one is a feature that you can modify the recipes and record your modifications. It'll cross them out for you and record them and share them with your modifications so you're like i changed this thing and i want to save it in my library but i want to remember what i did to it so these three new features these are part of the premium subscription and you can still use the app as you have been using it for free but this is the premium i can't recommend it enough and it's going to change your fucking life well i love the app and i just it's so great kitchen sink you guys download it keep tagging us and everything that you make yeah kitchen sink yes i sound like an investor in this company i just really like it basically at this point but no it's still all his on his own and i obviously just want to support him but it's kitchen sink.app on instagram and then you can find the link there too but if you're looking for it on the app store it's kitchen sink recipe builder it should come up when you write kitchen sink but if you want to write in a recipe builder and then android is coming in a few weeks because oh yeah the android is ready to go but it's just it'll launch in a few weeks it's so funny because i i said we were packing up the car to go to my san diego show and i said to him like i would invite you and he's like no i gotta stay home and build the android feature i was like all you're busy he just built it himself i don't know how people do stuff he's just crushing it's so i was like i'll just i'll be telling dick jokes in san diego yeah it's so like i just love seeing him be passionate about this like i mean esther perell when we had her on the show she said like when people say they're the most attracted to their partner is when they're doing something outside of themselves that you can watch them and be like man look at them go yeah and he's always had so many interests in things and he's a hard worker and he's ambitious and motivated but he hasn't loved his job. It's a job. It's probably how most people feel. So he never had that real passion for what he was going to work and doing every single day. He likes it enough, of course. But seeing this is just, I love to see him just light up when he's working on it. And it just started almost by accident. So it's just been really great to see. Can't you take an app on the App Store? And I did just want to announce, we do know where we're taking our honeymoon-ish. we are going to Singapore so I teased it before and we are going to Singapore we are leaving next week after Raina's LA show I had to be here for the show we're not sure about Pasadena yet but you're definitely going to beat the West Hollywood one I'm on the fence for Pasadena you're going to come I'll be in LA to make sure we were there it was like a journey but we did it so we are leaving next week and I'm going to be honest Singapore invited us the country the country invite us to go to be honest the whole country invited us so we have wanted to go I've always wanted to go there and we were invited to go and we're really excited and they're helping us build the itinerary so I just wanted to tell you guys that they are running a campaign that you can win a trip to go as well so singles can submit their profiles What do I submit? You should. So they're challenging singles to find something deeper than a swipe, and they are encouraging travelers to ditch the dating apps and rediscover the human touch through aunties, not algorithms. Okay, so this campaign they're running, singles can submit their profiles at firstdateinsingapore.com for a chance to be matched by celebrity aunties and a matchmaker. Two singles will earn the ultimate auntie-approved first date, a romantic getaway to Singapore. First date. That's my idea. That's my dream. First date is to Singapore. filled with cultural experiences, intimate moments, all these things. So each winner will receive round-trip flights for themselves in a plus one, three-night, four-day stay at a hotel in Singapore, and then curate experiences, itinerary, a stipend to explore. So can you imagine you just win this? You get to bring somebody? I love Singapore so much. I love Southeast Asia in general. Like when I – you know the dating apps that say like the most spontaneous thing I've ever done. I booked a one-way trip to Singapore, and I just – 10 years ago, 12 years ago. and it's so special and different. I'm so excited for the food you're going to get to try, like the hawker centers and just like all of like the grilled meats and the noodles and the night markets. And it's so different and special. And Singapore is really interesting because it really strikes this balance between like really like just like street food and then really fancy experiences. And I wish you were staying longer and going all around, but if you can pick a starting off point in Southeast Asia, like that was the first place I ever went in all of Asia because it felt like a great entry point to traveling after that. I went to Thailand and a couple other places after that, Vietnam, but it was my first place I ever went to there. And it just, people were so kind. I had an easy time finding people that spoke English to me, like, so that I could just make the travel a little bit easier. But it is the one of the greatest food destinations in the world. It's not even close. It's unreal. Oh my God. I cannot wait. Yeah. I love your endorsement of it, especially on the food side of it. And I just love, obviously, it's so much culture to absorb, but also this modern architecture. it's so clean i'm like obsessed with the like being the cleanest city and there's all these rules and like you get in trouble if you litter i'm like that's my fucking jam right there is like order and cleanliness so i'm really excited about that but we will recap it on the episode on the 16th after we're back and i get follow along when we're there and then again if you guys want to enter this chance to win a trip it's firstdateinsingapore.com for more info and i can't Wait, I wish I was coming. I know. I wish I could invite myself. First date in Singapore.com. It's rigged. No, but I mean, I have to go to New York for two weeks, actually. I have to go back home for a couple weeks. Yeah, I'll be in New York, obviously. Yeah, this is like, we're just the honeymoon. We're going to travel together for the rest of our lives, but I think we did our little mini moon and now this is like the real deal and it's going to be romantic for you. I can't wait to see what you do. It's sexy. Yeah. Make sure you guys text me for pics every day. Literally. I have so many recommendations. We're going to be on a real time difference. I know. who am I going to talk to? Thank God I'll be in New York. I have friends. Okay. I had to grab my computer to tell you this. Okay. So I got a new phone like what, a year ago, and I never was able to log into Facebook on the phone. I just gave up. I don't know. I never, well, I haven't used Facebook in years. I was just like, I just, I don't know how to like get in there on the phone. I was like, my phone is not a password. So it's fine. I haven't been on Facebook. Unbeknownst to me, all my Instagram posts have been being shared to Facebook. No. Did you know that? Just straight up. Just straight to Facebook. Everything I put on Instagram for the last 10 years. Straight to Facebook. I mean, I know that that is a setting. Every once in a while, if it asks us that for Girls Gotta Eat, you've just been sending it. Sending it to Facebook, and I had no idea. And I probably haven't been on Facebook since I moved into my house. Oh, my God. You're probably selling some tickets. Okay, sorry. And so our friend Anushka asked me where I got my couch. And I was like, I got it from this. Like, I found it from like a Facebook seller. They have a store in Anaheim. So she was like, can you help me find out who sold it to you? So I went on Facebook and looked at my messages to like get her the contact. And I was like, oh, my God, I have so many notifications of contacts and messages. Like, what is this? So I saw that like my tour posters have been like posted to Facebook. And all the comments. No. My high school boyfriend. My college boyfriend. My college boyfriend. Wait, what? This is amazing. What is this? Raina, this is insane that you didn't know it was going there. I was shaking my college boyfriend. I knew it. I knew you were going to sell some tickets to these shows without even knowing it because it's on Facebook. First of all, he was hot. Yeah. Is that trailer? Oh, okay. Okay, sorry. I was here about trailer at the tour. Trailer wasn't really my boyfriend. Trailer was just somebody who came over and had sex with me that I dated. This guy is tall and bald and like pretty sexy now. He's the one in the orange shirt. High school? This is college. Oh, he's not bad. He's cute. This is him as an adult now. He's so cute. Okay, I mean, we have different tastes, and that's fine. He's fine. He's too white for you. I know. You're like, oh, white people. And I understand that. I understand that. I have no rebuttal. My high school boyfriend, he used to, like, pick me up at school in his, like, Mustang convertible we'd make out there. My high school teachers. Like, this is so crazy because I know that this would have also happened to me. Like, I just don't post on Facebook. I've posted on Facebook in years and then I deactivated it. This is like such a thrill too. Like this is all you went to high school with being like, this is amazing. I'm so proud of you. Oh my gosh. Look at you girl. All this stuff. Like I'm like, I'm going to the Philly show. I'm going to come to Pittsburgh. Oh my God, Atlanta. I'm like, this is so crazy. I just, I, if you guys are listening to the show, I just, so you know, I haven't been on Facebook in a year and a half, so I didn't even know you were in here, but it was such a rush. My favorite high school teacher. She like changed my life. She was like, it was before I had posted the Pittsburgh show and she said, no Pittsburgh a date you know i'm gonna see you somewhere this is so awesome i messaged her back i was like please be there please i would die to see you amy davies i loved her she just she changed my life in high school my favorite high school teacher was my french teacher and she's still for years she probably still is trying to she would message me on facebook bond annie bercerre mademoiselle oh that's so sweet i guess i'm madame now you're like i don't speak that language i didn't speak it then i don't speak it now but it was just i wanted i was so excited to tell you because it was such like a fun little rush did you have a bunch of messages yeah tons of messages tons of messages one guy said sorry to not respond but now i'm getting back to you 15 years later sorry did not respond did you message him 15 i messaged him 15 years ago no you did not you should have led with this reyna shut up someone did not say sorry for my delay 15 years later i've been busy i've just been busy and wait this was even funnier how did you not lead with that so i sent this guy this message because his sister worked for this clothing brand that i wanted I guess be involved with. I don't know. Hey, sorry. I just saw this message 15 years later. Hope it worked out. If not, I'm sure my sister would love to help you. She's still doing that too. Like just frozen in time. 15 years later. Insane. What made him wake up and do this? Your tour poster. He saw the tour poster. We had just a couple days after the tour poster. Did we all not? Hello? Everybody in the tour. It was a tour poster. I thought that's where we were going with this. I have messages from people I worked at the Cheesecake Factory with. It's so funny. Like, I got a text the other day from someone from when I did PR in Atlanta, which was 2009. Like, hey, are you still working with so-and-so? What? Isn't that crazy? So crazy. 17 years later. I mean, I just assume PR is the most transient job. So many PR girlies start their own firms. So, like, I mean, I message, I mean, I deal with the guests. I talk to Simon & Schuster all the time and HarperCollins, all these book companies. And I always start every email with, like, I'm not sure if you're still there. 100%. I don't think anyone's still there a year later. Do people do that anymore? Stay at jobs for a long time? I know. We do. We've been here a while. Okay. Thanks for sharing that. Thank you for listening. Okay. So we got this email about things. Is this another thing I couldn't look at? Yeah. This is the other thing we couldn't look at. Some surprises today. that's what people say about me she's so full of surprises so this is about photos people share on dating apps and i i find it so interesting when people share photos of children because i'm just like on their profile on their profile like their kids or their nephews i actually can't decide which i think is i think nieces and nephews is even worse to me because i'm like that's not even your kid other people's kids to me don't belong on dating apps okay that's fair but what's the difference between social media like i guess it's to the parents discretion so my sister-in-law does not want me sharing photos of my nephew you're never gonna see one from the back yeah like she just doesn't want it she i mean she doesn't either she's not like saying to me like you can't and then she does she just doesn't she doesn't work it on the internet okay that's fair so you're saying people are sharing kids and aren't theirs because they want to show i'm good with kids yeah i see a lot especially nieces and nephews but to your point i do think it is the discretion of the parents like you share your nephews all the time your brother and sister-in-law are fine with that yeah i don't know i guess it's people's discretion i'm always just like huh there's kids that aren't yours on there okay but i also feel like i don't want to shame somebody because this is maybe the first they're even doubting this like they just want to show i'm good with kids okay this is debatable but this one is not okay oh yeah yeah okay i'm with you i think in the comments yeah because i think the intention is good the intention is just to show yeah i think your Your own kids fine Other people because it like your decision your kid your body your body decision But dating apps is different than social media I acknowledge that for sure I with you Okay Yeah That one is debatable This one weird Okay Okay I think I found a top tier worst kind of photo on a man's dating profile. Not one, but two funeral photos. What? It's this guy. Is he a pallbearer? He's carrying a casket. He's not carrying a casket. It's two photos. No, he's not. No. No. Not. The casket. Scroll up. Another one. He was like, I crushed it at this funeral. I look so good at this funeral. He was like, this is how I'm going to show her that I have friends and family. He was like, I slayed in my one suit at this funeral. He says this is the only time this man has worn a suit. That's why he's showing it. Headline the funeral. He owns one black suit, and he was like, I have no other photos besides me in this casket. Is it a pallbearer? Is that what it's called? The person that carries the casket. Yes. I think this guy thought he was showing, like, I have friends and family. Yeah. I'm an important member of this society. And I care when people die. Like, I have empathy and compassion. On a dating app. No. She has got to send us his whole profile. Okay, his interest. I need so much more. Is this all we got? That's all we got. I need, I'm going to write back. I want all the others. I have to know the whole gallery. What are the other photos? Here's his interest. Okay. His interests are skiing. Murder. Beaches. Coffee. Sense of humor. He's like, gotcha. I mean, what if, if he's a comedian, that's funny. No, is it a bit? I don't think so. Two funeral photos too. Like he really meant that shit. He was like, not just one. I'm going to send it with two. And who took these? Are there funeral photographers? And what's he like? hey can i get those pics like what if he like brought his personal videographer with no because in this one photo of him he looks like he's trying to get a pose like a pose candid and this other person is looking like why is someone taking photos like look at that guy he's caught off guard like is this like when there's a house photographer at a show and we're like hey can we get those pics like do you think he was like hey can you update my dating app i gotta update my dating app right now i think you've got a really good one of me carrying the casket do you mind sending that my way who took these okay i have a serious question do people take photos that's what i'm saying i didn't think that and i just thought this was a sacred event like who was taking their camera out when the casket goes by why are we are we documenting this i could be wrong i mean are people like live streaming funerals they're like you gotta see these pics i don't know i really am surprised because i i'm running the tape on the funerals i've been to i'm lucky that i haven't been to a lot you really bamboozled me with bringing up kids on dating apps i thought that's the direction we were going down i was just you know i was just that was a funny way to intro this topic i love her this girl's uh her name's ashley actually i love that she's not one but two photos one literally carrying the casket i'm in shock i'm gonna email you back because i need his entire profile i feel like he's being funny right he says he's got a sense of humor they say you should post photos that create conversation i mean what if i just wrote who died literally you took the words out of my mouth like everyone is opening with who died with this guy or are you going like i'm so sorry does he want sympathy is he sympathy trapping because we hate that what do you think the purpose of this is i mean nobody off the bat is as fucked up as we are that's like this is probably to be funny this is probably joke no like i really hope there's a grandparent in there Like, I hope it's not darker than that. Like, grandparents are, they're old, they die, whatever. Like, of course, it's sad, obviously. But I hope that the story is not like someone young, a parent, a sibling, a close friend. His ex-wife. Oh, my God. What's up with the casket? What's up with the casket? I mean, I can't imagine responding to that guy and not acknowledging the funeral pics. Like, what else would you say? Because there is not one but two. Like, he really, he committed to it. He is begging for you to open with a funeral. Who died? Do you need some sympathy sex? Crazy. Do you think he's sympathy sex shopping? Maybe. Okay, I'm going to write her back. Hopefully she still has that in her queue. Someone messaged me. I'm going to be very vague about it. I talked about somebody that I went on a date with, and that's all I'm going to say. I'm not going to say when I talked about it. It could have been however many years ago. But someone messaged me and based on the details I had given, she said she dated him and fucked him. And I was like, that's absolutely him. We went back and forth a little bit. She said that he was really good in bed. And I only went on one date with him. And I wrote back to her. It sounds like I missed out. And then I was like, is that weird to say as a married woman? I mean, they were about it like this, actually. What if you saw that Shashank wrote that to somebody on Instagram? I was literally just trying to be cute with this. I know. I was saying, but if your husband did that, I would die. Sounds like I missed out. Stay tuned to Bachelorette and I break up. Let me do it. Yeah, maybe I'll fire hinge back up. Oh, my God. No. Okay. Well, anyway, thanks for sharing. We've covered a lot of ground. We have a really fun episode today. but let's just talk about a couple of our partners and then we'll get into it. Okay. I'm talking about skims. I mean, it's the bras and underwear that I have on literally every day when I record this podcast. So if you're like, Oh my God, her boobs look so good. It's because of skims. I love it fits everybody bras. They are so high quality. I have them in a huge range of colors. So I have like black, I have a cocoa color. I have nude and I have white. I wear them to sleep in because I love sleeping in a bra. I like to wear underwire, but they have ones without underwire obviously and then they have great matching thongs they've lace thongs on there right now they also have great underwear the quality is really great and i think a lot of people like underwear can like stretch and pill and it's just really high quality in your butt yeah you know i'm just just saying that's what you contributed to this ad rating bunch up in your butt i hate it and actually the fits everybody bras my sister-in-law had talked to me about like finding postpartum bras and this is like the first place i sent her i just i love the quality i love that they have so many colors and so many sizes and just in addition i wear their pajamas like pretty much every day the soft lounge set i have it in three different colors and i can't stop so you can get it for yourself get gifts for other people you can shop our favorite bras and under at skims.com and after you place your order be sure to let them know that we sent you select podcast in the survey and be sure to select our show in the drop down menu that follows okay and I'm telling you about hers. 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See Chime.com slash fees info. Advertised annual percentage yield with Chime plus status only. Otherwise, 1.00% APY applies. No min balance required. Chime card on time payment history may have a positive impact on your credit score. Results may vary. See chime.com for details and applicable terms. Okay. So we're talking about friendship today. And we just posted to send us your friendship dilemmas, especially if you're in a should I break up with this friend situation. And we got so many. And we always thank you guys for sharing your lives with us and sharing personal things about what you're dealing with. And these were so sad to read. I mean, it's no hot take that friendship breakups and friendship problems can hurt worse than romantic breakups and dating problems. And we got a lot in similar veins. And we're going to kind of focus on this feeling left out today. But we're going to continue discussing this and doing more episodes because we really think this is, I mean, this is something that everyone's dealing with. you know like whether you're single dating married engaged divorced like everybody has such a different experience there but we all have friendships and I feel like we're all going through so many of the same things in our our lives yeah my heart really hurt reading these yeah really send us so much and there's I mean a million buckets we could have focused on just with money and being in different phases of life and I think to echo what you said like these these kind of breakups are uniquely painful because they're so nebulous sometimes there's no like official ending like i think so many of these friendships feel like you're in quicksand and you don't really know like what to say and you let things go for a little bit and i think not every friendship is meant to last and sometimes there isn't an answer just like a clear-cut answer to all this like some people served the time and place that they had to and they're you know your friends your friends when you're 22 aren't necessarily your friends when you're 30 your pre-marriage friends pre-kid friends post friends like it's okay that you outgrow people and that's fine we can still accept that like the current version of the relationship doesn't align with the current version of yourself and life is long and I've had plenty of friends that I've kind of like moved away from and we've come back to each other and friendships that I've outgrown and sometimes there isn't like a clean cut answer to this it's just like you've outgrown somebody there isn't like a really healthy discussion to have with another person I mean I think you can acknowledge that your feelings are hurt but also more in the relationship and move on and that's not a failure in your part you know yes 100% agree we always say that friendships ebb and flow and And you can drift apart with people and come back together. We both experience that. You can even have conflicts. And you can be in a place with a friend where you don't think you could ever repair. And you do. And you even can be closer than you were before. And, of course, if you're in different stages of life, you need to figure out if that's what's going on. Or they're just an asshole. Or you're the asshole. And we'll discuss some of that today. But we've talked about friendships in the entirety of this podcast. And especially how important it is to have friends in your same stage of life. because you and your best friends from high school or college or even 20s, 30s, aren't always going to be on the same page. And you're going to lose people for a little bit when they might get married or they have kids or they're dealing with something and they might come back to you. And it's just so important to always have people in your same stage of life and make new friends. And if you're new around here, Rain and I met when we were in our early 30s. I think I was 33, maybe you were 31. And look at us now. And, you know, I can't imagine if I just would have had this like same friend group I was clinging so much to and wouldn't have made all the friends that I made in my 30s, 40s. I think about my mom, one of my mom's best friends in the world she made in her 50s. So we say this over and over because we just want everybody to remember that. It's just so different to me than handling conflict with a romantic partner because a romantic partner you typically see every day and we're encouraged to sit down and have the talk and work through this. You don't take a break from your romantic partner because you're upset. You're encouraged to sit down, have a conversation, don't go to sleep angry. We're not given the same advice about friends. You take a break from a friend and then it just becomes a little too much distance. Then it's like, are things weird here? I don't know. You text a little less. It's this whole nebulous thing. I think so many people are like, am I the problem? Am I the asshole? Did I get the thing wrong? And sometimes it's like there's no clear villain. You just group hard. You see things differently. Or there's just a lot of gray area. I know. And because you can have as many friends as you want. And you're told you can only have one romantic partner. So it works or it doesn't. And you break up or you don't. And with friends, that's not the case. So it hurts so much worse. Because it isn't like, well, they're not the one. They're just, they don't want to be friends with me. That's the stuff that like made me feel so sad to read was people saying like, I feel not respected by people. I feel like there's not reciprocity. I feel like I'm always the one to reach out. I feel left out. Those ones like really felt sad for me where you feel like I'm giving the effort, but there's like no mutual effort or respect given to me. And those are hard conversations to have. They're embarrassing. They feel bad. Sometimes we don't want to hear what the other side of that is. We had this situation recently of a friend that we don't really talk to that much anymore. and a mutual friend was like well she thinks these things this way and i was like i did not experience that situation like that her story was so different than mine i was like she's lying she made this up yeah and until i like went back and read every single text message and looked it over with you i was like oh she does believe that that is what happened and i do see why she thought that yeah and that could just kind of happen you know no i mean i think that's a good example like you know i rain and i do like hold each other accountable as best friends and we're like family at this point and I kind of heard her version of the story and then I was like I'm actually going to go back and look too and I said to you like I'd see where she got there and I think that's important too and there are really stories and we'll read some today that it does feel like there's a clear right and wrong but you always have to reflect and take accountability and your part in something and a hundred percent there are situations where you did not do a damn thing and we have seen that and I have even seen that with family members where someone did not do anything and someone cut them out of their life and for whatever their reason was whatever it is if it's jealousy they can't be around them I mean I don't know but a lot of times that is the case but I think it's always worth looking in the mirror that it's so interesting because like we can only see the things through the lens of how we experience the world and in this particular situation I think that this girl felt kind of like slighted and left out and she reacted in a way that I never would have imagined reacting i would never do something like that but i do understand knowing her like how she digested this and it's like if she told somebody the story it would be a totally different story than the story that i have and i think we've diverged a lot at this point that's fine i wish her the best we're probably not gonna be friends again that's fine but so many of these stories i'm always like man i wonder what the other side of the situation would say yes and you could hear both sides and no one's lying actually it's just the way they experience it There are always three sides to every story, your side, their side, and the actual truth. But what is the truth even? But sometimes you just outgrow people. I also want to say that. Like, there's some of these. We read so many emails today, and I was like, that person is a dick, and you don't have to be in their life. Like, people that are like, I don't like the way they handle conflict. They're mean to me. They're nasty. They're nagging me. They leave me out. You don't have to be friends with that person. And I understand that a lot of those people are tied to a friend group. So that's really painful. Well, I know. Then that's really tricky. Yeah, you don't have to be friends with people who consistently make you feel bad, especially after you've communicated with them. If someone comes out of nowhere and all of a sudden they're insulting you or leaving you out, you should figure out if something did go wrong that you have no idea about. But if that just is kind of who they've become, I mean, you see people that just don't have the same growth that you have. So we're all kind of assholes in high school, right? And then we're just a little bit less assholes in college. And then we're less assholes in our 20s. And then we become adults and you're supposed to act like an adult. So you may find yourself in relationships with your friends from high school or college or even your 20s, even your 30s. And you have grown and they haven't. So when you feel like you're still in high school with these certain friends, you can attribute it to their lack of growth. They still are. They haven't grown the way you have. And when we say outgrown, that's what I picture. like someone that is just blown past someone else in their personal growth, in their maturity, in the way that they handle relationships and conflict. And so while we always, like we said, encourage you to reflect and take accountability, sometimes it is the other person has not, they're not on your level anymore. Yeah. Sometimes it's just over. I think that you and I want to read every email and give like constructive feedback on how to like push through this and have healthy communication but like truly sometimes the answer is like you've just outgrown this yeah you're in different phases of life this person is actually not nice they don't have the values that you have and that's okay too it's not a failure you will have a million friends throughout your life it will cycle through yeah so not every one of these has like a clear-cut answer and like that's fine too so today what we wanted to focus on is just kind of feeling left out a little bit and you guys we've got so many great emails thank you but we we picked stuff about maybe feeling in different phases with people, outgrowing people, feeling left out. So that's what we want to focus on today. I think there is nothing worse than feeling left out. I just want to validate it. People hanging out without you. Why wasn't I invited? What are they saying about me behind my back? What did I do? And you just spiral. And for me, it brings up feelings from childhood. And I don't feel like this a lot anymore. You really don't like it. Yeah. I really don't like it. And that probably is my childhood trauma talking. We talked about this with Gabby Bernstein. It can feel like that professionally too. I don't have friends that make me feel excluded I want to be clear but just that general the feeling of being left out of stuff is really painful It is a big feeling for a lot of people I just want to validate that as we go into it And it takes a lot of vulnerability to say I felt left out You feel kind of pathetic. Saying you felt left out means that someone didn't deem you worthy to include you. And so to admit it is like, it's really vulnerable. And I feel for anyone who has that feeling. And we all feel like that. Yeah. And I see like both sides of it because like I want to be included in everything, but I really enjoy one-on-one interactions with people. And so like you and I have all the same friend groups. And so, but if I wanted to like go have dinner with somebody without you, like if I wanted to go have dinner one-on-one with somebody, it would be really weird for me to not include you. That would be insane. But I also have the desire to have like one-on-one relationships with people and it has nothing to do with me not wanting to include you. It just means like, I don't always want to have a conversation in a group, you know, and you're the only example I have because you're sitting across from me, but you and I have a lot of friends and a lot of mutual friends and they're friends with each other. And I don't always want to include everybody all the time. And like coming from that side of it, it's not a judgment call. I mean, I want you to be with the other person. It's just that I like one-on-one interactions, you know? And so sometimes it actually isn't that you're being like left out. Nobody wants to be around you, the plural you, you know, you specifically. Because I am somebody that just likes those like one-on-one interactions. And I love big groups. And you and I go out in big groups all the time. And I love that too. But I like both. And it certainly has nothing to do with me not wanting to be with the other friends. Yeah. I tend to veer more towards like I just want to be on a – have a group dinner. you know but i have another friend too who's like really big on one on one on one hangs and she will say it like i want solo time with you i mean honestly sometimes i feel like implying like without reyna like for an example or i guess without shashank or whoever i'm not that bitch that's bringing my husband around but she's like i want me and you we have a long time friendship i've been friends with her much longer than you have and she makes it clear and it's like okay say less you know and other times we want a big group that's not weird to me like i remember i would go to chicago my brother was first started dating his wife and i would say like I just want to be alone with you like it has nothing to do with her yeah like at all I love her she and I are very close but like it was hard to communicate that to just be like I just would like to be solo it's a different type of hang yeah I but the dynamic comes into play is what makes you feel left out because if you introduce those people I don't think no one is exempt from that feeling of introducing people and they get closer sometimes than your individual relationships with them so melanie and emily i introduced them but they've been my other besides you my other two best friends in the world i introduced them and they've known each other at this point for i don't know longer than i've known you i'm eight years nine years yeah and they hang out together in new york when i'm not there and i'm like i don't want to know about this yeah i don't hear about it makes me sad but like not right you do like them you love that they have their own relationship I want to acknowledge that too, because I love bringing people together. And I love that you have friendships on your own with friends that are my childhood friends, honestly. I mean, not Corey necessarily, but like, I don't know. I feel like you and Lee and Laura, like you would go to Miami and stay with Laura if I wasn't with you. You were going to until I decided to come. But things like that, this isn't jealousy. It's just, it depends on the situation. Like it just depends. Like, and do you feel like they went behind your back and they're getting closer without you and that you're sitting at home and they're socializing are they in relationships and then they're doing double dates with their husbands or something and then you're single I mean it just depends because I want to be super clear like I am not this gatekeeper of my friends I want everybody to be friends and outside of me too but I do be getting a little jealous I mean that would I see every side of it because like it would be insane if I spent time with your close friends and I did not include them insane and at this point Laura and Lee who you're talking about I've known them for eight years i love them i'm close with them i i guess have personal relationships with them where i'm like private like i text with them separately outside of you but like i would never make a plan with them that would be crazy yeah i don't know i feel like there are just these unwritten rules you know when you see it like i don't it's it just depends but when you introduce people and they become closer without you it is tough and i don't really have much of that to speak of you know like i don't know you were still the priority between emily and melanie it's just so funny because like they were out to dinner one night melanie sent me a picture of the two of them and i didn't respond i was like i told her not to do that i told her you wouldn't think that was funny you're not even in the city i don't i lived a five-hour flight from them i couldn't have possibly been there i'm telling you it's like childhood wounds those things i they bring you back to you you know i'm not big on talking about the inner child no offense I know people like to bring it up. It's just not part of my vocabulary. But it brings you back to, I just, I wouldn't have been able to survive social media in middle school and high school. Like I can, I remember so vividly even a day that my two best friends like got together on a snow day, like school was off and then they got together and didn't invite me. I could cry right now. And I just, though it brings you right back to those feelings. It does. And I just, I see every side of it because a lot of times it's not personal, especially with like mom stuff. I mean, I think in your 30s, like, half of your friends have kids, and you just are going to gravitate towards the ones that you are in the same life phase as. Like, when you are a new mom, you just need other mom friends. And, like, the friends that don't have kids probably fall by the wayside. And I get that, too. I don't know. I just, I see all sides of it, but it never feels good to be, like, left out. Yeah. And trios are tough. And, I mean, my high school experience was that there were three of us, and it worked pretty well, which is kind of rare, I think. Like, I don't need to dive into the dynamics of our friendship. Me and one of the girls broke up like post high school, but had nothing to do with the trio. But like we had it for literally all four years. We really kind of started freshman year becoming these three best friends. Everybody knew it. Like we were the three of us were always together. We did everything together. Our parents knew we were always going to be together. And it actually worked pretty well. And it doesn't always. And people will really disagree with that. People will say like a trio can never work. A trio of best friends can never work. and it worked for me and it's, you know, it can, but a lot of times you do see that with three best friends. All right, well, let's get into the emails. Okay. Okay. First email, it's sort of a friendship love triangle, which is really interesting. But it's spicier than you guys think. It's not like me and my two best friends in high school. I like this one because there's a man involved and you and I kind of dealt with something sort of, we'll talk about this. Me, Sarah, and James were like the three amigos. We always hang out. Then Sarah and James started hooking up and Sarah wanted a relationship but James was being a fuck boy it got a little out of hand and Sarah said that he's an ass and we shouldn't invite him she had a birthday party coming up we shouldn't invite him to the birthday party I did kind of agree I don't want to be friends with a guy that treats women like that but my birthday party was the next day and I had already invited them both and it was a great party the next day Sarah says I'm a bad friend for inviting him she wanted to end our friendship it was drama fast forward two years later things are still awkward we have the same friend group and they feel like they can't invite us both to the same events I'm always cordial to her and I don't care but she won't talk to me at all should I reach out and smooth things out so it's not awkward and so the friend group doesn't feel like they need to choose a side she hasn't attempted at all and she broke it off the plot thickens though I heard a rumor that she told everyone that we ended our friendship because her and James were together and I slept with James so now I'm thinking I should just confront her and make the whole friendship group realize how spastic and what crazy bitch she is but watch that turn on me then I would lose my friends so this is sort of kind of like twofold and the rumor thing is like separate to me it's tough when there's like a whole friend group and like two people start hooking up and you expect your friend the other female to take your side and like excommunicate that person when you didn't participate in making those decisions to begin with i don't know okay tell me what you think well sarah is an asshole and that's who she always has been right that's that's a that's her character that she spun this lie so knowing what we know about her from this three paragraph email she didn't play this right from the start she went in recklessly it sounds like slept with this guy she didn't keep the sacredness of the friendship where you approach this very gently if you were gonna start fucking the best friend from the trio you sit down you're like james and i have a thing and i really don't want this mess of our friendship and i promise you it won't like no matter what happens, like I would never expect you to pick sides. Like you can't just expect someone to, I mean, girl code. Yes. But if you are all three best friends, you're all three best friends. Like it's, I don't know the dynamics of the friendship, but I have guy best friends, you know, just because they're a guy, I'm supposed to pick, I pick the woman. I mean, I pick you over anything, but I don't know. What if you were a guy? So it's just the gender. I, is that why, is that why she was like, of course you're going to side with me, but she probably didn't play this right from the start they acted recklessly by doing this and it's really immature i don't know how old these people are it's really mature that she would expect her to cut off her best friend too because i don't know what he did to her but a lot of guys are great friends and not the best people to date 100 i mean if my friend was dating a guy and he did something i'm never gonna talk to that person again i'm i'm following him i'm we don't to ever talk again but if that person was my good friend and i had built a relationship with that person i don't really see why i should have to end that friendship we have friends that are a couple that have broken up and i am very close where you and i are both really close to both of them and she was saying stuff to me about him and i was like i'm just i want to be totally up front with you i'm i love you i hate to see you like this but i'm not gonna stop being his friend and i said it would be a totally different story if he hurt you if he abused you in any way if he cheated on you if he was a pathological liar, any of those things, I would excommunicate him forever. But this is just a relationship that did not work out. And so I am not going to excommunicate one of you because this didn't work out. And that that takes a lot of years of like conflict management to say that sentence. And I said it really gently. And I'm always here for you. And I said, I hope, you know, I'll never, ever share anything you say about him with him and vice versa. Like I held him to the same standard when he would talk to me about her. I said, like, you're what you're welcome to vent. but I don't know the dog in this fight you know but it's I just I don't think just because it's a man you should be expected to not be friends with that person anymore unless that person did something really really awful like he he hit you some sort of abuse a hundred percent oh I guess I didn't know him and he's out but I don't like this either that like the birthday party was the next day she'd already invited him so this friend is so self-absorbed that she again I don't know the details and I don't know quite what he did but she's like I want you to uninvite our best friend because he dicked me over i mean she's the villain here and they have the same friend group and they feel like they can't invite us both to the same events the friend that wrote in just says like you said she's always cordial but the other girl won't talk to her at all i would need to get my story out like i don't know the dynamics of this friend group i don't know how big the group is i don't know where they live i don't this is a small town big city whatever but if you're running around lying on me talking about i slept with somebody i'm sitting everyone down for solo one-on-one coffees and getting the story out like i'm letting the rest of the friends know that this didn't happen of course and i don't two years later she's still mad about this she can't be in the same room as you two years later like my assumption is that something else was building and then she also obviously sarah is upset she's not still with james and that the other friend still gets to a relationship with him and that is really painful of course it is but i don't know this is part of growing up is just realizing that this is sort of a gray area and your friend doesn't have to excommunicate this man just because you had a problem with him and i don't know it's a little childish to be like you need to uninvite him from this party yeah it's she's been childish and the villain from the start and again i don't they could be in their 20s the way these things are handled are so different in your 20s and your 30s and your 40s and so on again some people never grow up but I just some of this can feel like the situation you were talking about would have felt a lot differently 10 years ago for everybody we're all just grown but and I'm not saying you can't be grown-ups in your 20s either I want to be super duper clear but she said should I just confront her and make the whole friend group realize how spastic and crazy she is let's tone that down a little and just the people that are in the remaining friend group when you get a chance to calmly and rationally share your truth you should do so if she lied about you there's no i wouldn't let this go on for one second this is crazy again maybe that is what that girl really believes there's clearly like some real resentment here like that it's probably been ruminating for a long time maybe that girl actually believes that oh yeah that's true well clearly this is why you stayed friends with him and like oh yeah i don't know i think you can calmly really calmly confront her in a way that just like to just keep the peace like next time you see her she doesn't talk to you like maybe send a text you say like hey i don't want to keep having these situations where we're not speaking to each other and if you want to clear the air i'd love to do that but like we don't have to be best friends anymore but i'd love to just be cordial to each other in public and like i just want to be super clear i didn't sleep with james and like i've heard that you're telling that story and that didn't happen so if that's what you're lying on me what do you say lying on me is that like a delaware thing i mean i feel for i feel for this friend group also it's like i don't know which one of them i have to include and stuff like it sucks too but like if i was the person that was just like i'm just trying to keep the peace i am a neutral switzerland here and now everybody thinks i fucked this guy right i'm not gonna be the one being left out yeah like i'm a victim here yes Okay, well, good luck. Keep us posted. Okay, the next one, friendship dilemma, when being the connector leaves you on the outside. So she writes, in 2020, I became friends with someone through social media. We stayed in touch over time and became much closer once we moved to the same city. Separately, I have another close friend I've known since college, 10 years of friendship, so the longer friend. When she moved to the city a couple years ago, she naturally became a bigger part of my life again. Last year, I introduced the two of them at a party, a lot of people there, but they really hit it off, and they've developed their own friendship, which is in theory totally fine, and even nice. It gets complicated in that my relationship with them is very different. So the friendship she's known longer, it sounds great. She makes an effort. She goes out of her way. She shows up consistently. And the other friend is more selective. She rarely initiates plans. She isn't just, she's not a great friend. I'm just kind of paraphrasing. But meanwhile, she has no problem making one-on-one plans with the friend I introduced her to without me. Over time, I started to notice a pattern where the new friend seems very relationship-oriented, where there's some kind of social value or visibility attached. I met her through social media. They both work in media. Things feel transactional, even like a tit-for-tat energy with likes and stuff on social media. Azul, what's your problem? So it's just kind of felt like she's less of a friend and more like a cloud chaser, basically. What's bringing this to the surface is that I'm playing in a very small, intimate destination wedding. It's one of those moments where every guest feels deeply intentional. I know in my gut that I want the longtime friend there. she's shown up for me and that relationship feels real and mutual. I don't feel the same about the other friend and I don't want her at the wedding. Not out of spite, but because it doesn't align with how personal and emotionally safe I want that space to feel. At the same time, I'm realistic enough to know that not inviting her will likely damage or end the friendship and maybe ripple into other relationships since she's now fairly enmeshed in parts of my social circle. So I'm torn between two truths. I don't feel like this person really has my back and I'm kind of at peace with letting that friendship go. But two, I hate feeling like I'm the villain for setting a boundary that's about protecting something important to me my question is how do you know when it's okay to let a friendship fade especially when it's not dramatic or explosive just quietly misaligned and is it okay to make decisions that prioritize emotional safety even if they look harsh or confusing from the outside should i talk to her about how i'm feeling or quietly let the friendship go would love your take i guess you decide if you want this friendship or not you know do you value this have you outgrown this you know i don't think the wedding is the problem it's a symptom of the problem it's revealed the problem to me it's not villain behavior to be like i have this event in my life I actually have to make a physical lift of the people that I want around me. And there's some clarity in that being like, I don't feel emotionally safe around this person. They're not my inner circle anymore. Like everything feels transactional. I mean, this is something you're paying for. This is your special day. If you truly feel like this is going to ripple through the friend group and you don't know if you want to end this friendship, I guess I would have the conversation with her. Yeah. My question is, is this friend like volatile? Is she like scared of her in any way? Does she think this friend is really going to want to be at the wedding because it looks good and she's really going to take it as a slight? Or is she going to be relieved? Like, I don't want to fly to whatever the fuck destination. But she can't come to the wedding. I'm saying to the camera, she can't come to your wedding. Intimate destination? I just think weddings, especially small ones, like you should only have the people in your room that make you feel good and safe and celebrate you and celebrate your love. And, yeah, you might get a pretty shitty text. Maybe that's what you need to just kind of put a period on the end of this. I'm curious about the 10-year friend. I wonder if she's talked about it with her. She could offer you some clarity. I mean, I think she has your back. Like, hey, I'm thinking of not inviting her to the wedding. It's just, it's small. It's intimate. Every guest feels really intentional. I mean, we say this all the time. Like, you should kind of know where you stand with people. Like, I think I can pretty much guess the friends that would invite me to their intimate destination wedding. I mean, I don't know that I'd be super surprised. I'd be surprised probably if some people invited me rather than didn't invite me. you know like i get it like we all have a lot of friends and these are like important intimate celebrations i guess you could get ahead of it and just i don't know have chat gpt write you write you a text just say like here's my feelings and thoughts write me a kind text message like i think that you can definitely get ahead of it and just say like i just want to let you know i'm planning like a really small event i don't want you to feel embarrassed or you know take that word but i think you know people get really angry when they're the last to know and if you want to kind of mitigate that you can say like i just want to let you know we're keeping this like super small and I care about our friendship, but I had to keep the list really super small. Yeah, I don't – again, I asked that question earlier on who the newer friend is as a person because is she going to accept that? Because they can still be friends if she's not invited to the wedding. If you're mature and you realize I'm not in the top tier, they can still be friends. But I'm wondering if she's going to flip out and that's going to be why the friendship ends. But that will also be your answer. Yeah, exactly. Like, I think that we, everybody's afraid of conflict. I get it. It's not comfortable. But if that person does really flip out, then that is also your answer. Yeah. Like that they can't sort of self-reflect and be like, well, we're not that close. And I exclude her from plans. And, you know. Yeah. I mean, you know her better than we do. And the other friend might. I would talk with the other, the 10-year-long friend about this. Because, again, it is super fucking awkward to sit someone down and say, I'm not inviting you to my wedding. so but what's worse her finding out when the invites go out those are the most uncomfortable texts to send but like that is truly the beauty of chat gpt today just work it and work it and rework it write all your thoughts down and say fire me off a four sentence text message to send somebody it's not kind enough make it kinder just keep doing it i don't use it i'm great at text but i i am when i'm not when i'm really feeling like i need to soften this i need to take the emotion out of this like chat chibi is great yeah and don't don't lie if you don't want to but you can say your friendship is important to me but you don't have to say that you could you can make that decision for yourself but if it is in some way you're not technically lying but you also don't care you know you can say like i really enjoy being your friend this is going to be small and destination and you know we people get it i don't know there's not a person out there that doesn't understand how you have to make these cuts and these decisions It so true Like every person alive that been married has had to have these conversations and every person has a friend group has been excluded from a wedding or included in something you like i don know i get invited to this like this is really part of life this is not such a crazy thing to have to be like hey i don't think i can include everybody right now like this just does happen and unfortunately people always lose friends around around weddings and that's okay like you might just get some clarity that this is not if she really freaks out yeah that's not your friend and she's a newer friend like if if it was reversed if the 10 year long friend was the one that was feeling clout chasing and the newer friend was closer we'd be having a different conversation but technically she is just a newer friend and sometimes they don't get the invites you know like we had a situation like that where we had a friend group here and i was like planning my wedding and i was like it might be a little weird if some of the girls aren't invited but i think they'll understand because we're brand new friends so but it's weird because she says she's fairly enmeshed in parts of the social circle are you guys going to be all at dinner and the wedding comes up and the one person's not invited i mean i don't know is everyone else in the group that you could ever be out with invited and she's the only one she is going to feel some type of way but i do think have the conversation with the long time friend first and hopefully she has your back on it and maybe she'll offer some clarity and then have that tough conversation or send that text we solved it okay the subject line of this is the bride box situation the brides box the bridesmaid box situation okay my best friend from college let's call her hannah she got engaged in january 2025 she was planning on getting married in december 2025 but decided to wait a year because she found out i had already had a family trip planned At first, she was asking my opinion on things and telling me about her wedding planning. All throughout college, we had talked about being each other's weddings and what we wanted and didn't want, etc. But then maybe six months ago, she started to not tell me things about her wedding. I got secretive with the dress and would only tell me if I had asked questions about it. Her answers only included very vague, basic information. Then two weeks ago, I saw on another of our friend's stories that Hannah had sent her a bridesmaid box. And the bride squad list in the picture did not have my name on it. all throughout college hannah complained about this other friend and how much she was annoyed with her felt underappreciated by her just kind of treated her like shit so i was shocked when she got the box and another quote-unquote friend who treated hannah the same way was on the list too i'm so heartbroken that she doesn't want to include me in her wedding i would have been her biggest supporter and cheerleader i'm just so sad i don't think i did anything to upset her because we still talk to each other regularly and she hasn't said anything should i break up with hannah because it seems like she already broke up with me oh she said now i'm sobbing on the couch again biggest heartbreak of my life i mean i really my heart like really hurts for her and i feel really sad and i don't i don't know she said my best friend from college i don't know how far they are from college it sounds like the dynamic did switch so like they were talking about this all the time and then that girl stopped telling her stuff and i i mean i without knowing anything about this like people get in their heads about their own wedding and you know some people really treat weddings like they are the first people to ever get married they're the only bride that's ever existed and you should ask them constantly about their venue about their dress about every single and take it really personally when you don't i mean i've heard both sides of this so many times of like my friends don't check in with me about this stuff they don't ask me about this stuff and you have to always say to those brides like people have their own lives people have their own lives this is your wedding this is what you have going on but i'm kind of assuming maybe that's what happened is that girl started to feel like maybe you weren't checking in with her enough And that's not your fault because you have your own life going on. I have some questions. Hannah was going to get married in December of 2025 and then pushed her own wedding back a year because of her friend's family vacation. No, that's not a thing. You were going to be like, my friend has to go on a family vacation. So I'm pushing my wedding back a year. Because of you? Ashley, I love you. There's nobody more important in the world to me, but I don't think I'd push my wedding back a year for you. I mean, I'd be like, Ashley, you've got to cancel your family vacation. We're missing something. Sometimes I focus so hard on reading, I'm not digesting the information. I'm 100%. I'm the same way. Yeah. No, I don't know what I'm reading. I'm just trying to get through the words and be a good reader. No, this is... What happened here? Is Hannah resentful she had to push her wedding back a year? No one made Hannah push her wedding back because you had a family vacation. Did you make her push the wedding back because you had a family vacation? Are you the villain here? No, I'm just not understanding that. That's not a thing that I can comprehend. So there's that. But regardless of that, you have to ask. So you have a reason to ask now. You are not going to sound childish or petty to ask a friend who changed their wedding for you that you called your best friend at one point. And all you guys did was talk about being at each other's weddings. Why you're not in our wedding. There's hard evidence now. Now it's not nebulous. Now it's not nebulous. It's not a gray area. It's just like, hey, I saw this on the Internet. i mean unlike i mean the advice we gave to the last girl was like you want to not invite somebody to talk to them this is like if somebody is one of your closest friends and you have sent out these bridesmaid boxes yeah and did not include them you have to assume she's going to see this on social media it's like really unkind yeah to not tell that person that i mean you have to ask unless you literally don't fucking care but you do because you emailed us you know like so i had situation with a friend and we had a rift in our friendship i don't need to get into all the details and it just went on too long and i will take ownership of me like feeling uncomfortable of telling her why i was upset for multiple reasons there's just a lot a lot going on here and i it's not it's not my character at all you guys know that like something's wrong i'm telling you what's wrong wish it was your character more often with me so it went on way too long and there were reasons why. And I also didn't, you know, there's this time in her life I didn't want to come at her, you know, whatever. And I was hoping she would ask me and she did. And I told her and I started at the beginning and we had a three, four hour lunch and we repaired our friendship and we were never like not talking in that time, but it just wasn't the same. You know, our friendship had changed a lot and we were really close. and I look back and I'm like we both were so regretful that we let it go on too long and there were so many times with you I was like and you were with me you were like I get it I get why you don't want to tell her hey I'm pissed at you and here's why again there was so many things at play and so she did have to ask and then I was happy to tell her and she reached out and she was like I want to sit down with you and I we're not as close as we used to be and I want to discuss it I was like tell me when I'm there and I'm ready to talk you know like I needed her to kind of open the door for again i'm not trying to be cagey but so i'm saying that to be like you might have done something and you don't know what and you also might not have and she might just be trying to dump you as a friend and i don't know why either but you have to ask and she might have a reason and you might not even have ever known what you did and when i told my friend like quote unquote what she what what hurt me i don't want to say what she did she was like oh my god i like had a feeling but i didn't know and i was a little mad at myself because i thought i was like past that type of thing to have that thing with a friend at this age but it happens to the best of us yeah i think this is an easy texas end i think it's just like i've been feeling some distance about our friendship and i thought maybe i was in my head about it but that feeling was further validated when i saw that other people were included in your wedding in a way that i would have loved to be and i want to talk about it yeah and they i would really like to just approach this with kindness and have a conversation because this is important to me and i feel sad about this like i think that's the easiest, kindest, most vulnerable text. You don't have to be like, I saw this on the internet, but you could say these feelings were just validated by seeing this. I mean, you could do that or you could ask her to go to lunch. I mean, not everybody's good at dealing with conflict. If you open with your, like, I saw the bridesmaid box and I want to talk, she might really try to avoid you. And with being like, hey, I miss you and can we get together? And then you lay it out then. You know your friend better than we do. But, you know, if they are younger, like you're not so great at dealing with confrontation, like she might just avoid you forever because she doesn't have a conversation. You could approach it more of like, I'd love to see you. Can we get together? Yeah, I feel really sad for her. I think that sometimes you just feel like you're in quicksand and you don't know what to do. And it sounds like you were talking to her a lot about the wedding. And I like cannot stress this enough. Like brides are just in their own world. And some people really just do feel like you should be checking in with them all the time. And I don't agree with that. And I think everyone's got their own lives going on. And if you weren't constantly checking in every week about like, what are the plans? What are the updates? Like you have your own life going on. But that doesn't mean that she didn't digest that like that because she might have felt like, okay, I moved my wedding for you. Dude, the wedding. I mean, I need so much more information. Yeah, I think that was where your mind went immediately. And I don't think you're off base, but I think something happened. And again, like most women, I think the guys do, I guess, like have this experience of this like oh my god i can't i can't i had no idea what i did you know like we aren't moving through life doing things intentionally to hurt our friends but sometimes they get hurt i just i feel like i mean you know my greatest fear in the world was always hearing that i did something that i had no idea that i did yes it was i mean i grew up in a house where i was just like attacked constantly for stuff that i did not even know i was doing and so it's like a real childhood trigger for me Like I just, you know, growing up, you already have your own insecurities. And I was constantly inundated with like, you did this and you're this way. And it is a fear of mine having grown up in a house like that to hear stuff that like, I didn't even know I did. Yeah. But you really have no idea what lens people are seeing you through because they only see it through the lens of their own life. Like truly, I just, I kind of like laugh thinking about a couple of weeks ago when I told that other friend, like what she is telling you is a lie. It's, I didn't even say like, I see her side of it. I was like, she's lying to you. and then i read the text and i was like i do see it i had to come in i had to come in and put my pi glasses on and be like let's look a little deeper let's run the tape sometimes you might think you like a guy but you could be wrong okay last one the mom friends slow burn breakup so she says i'm 31 years old recently married child free listener she's been with you guys seven years thank you and a few years ago she moved to a new area oh these are newer friends okay she moved to a new area and made two close friends i even introduced them to each other fast forward 2024 2025 they both become moms can you like see where this is going like literally right then like sends a chill down my spine like you know what's going like she she introduced them they both became moms she's out friendship is over yeah you're not friends with those girls no more um even though my husband and i are child free and i'm not exactly a kid person i showed up i went to every baby shower and bought the top registry gifts. I bought food after the babies were born. I invited their kids to our pool all summer. Oh, she's got the pool. I genuinely tried, but slowly she started feeling excluded. They do the mom stuff without her, which she understands, but also she wasn't invited to neutral hangouts where they were bringing their kids. So she said, I told them I felt left out. They kind of blew me off saying, oh, we just decided to go when we had the kids, blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile, when we did hang out, the vibe shifted. It became very mean girl coded, inside jokes, laughing hysterically at things I wasn't a part of, subtle digs at me. My husband even joked it felt like the hosting Olympics. Every time we planned something, they'd plan something for the exact same weekend. The tipping point at my birthday pool party, we played a couple's card game. One friend pulled a card asking which couple she'd double date. She loudly said the other couple because you guys fight all the time, referring to the woman who wrote in. We were stunned. For context, that other couple literally had a honeymoon fight that required stitches, but sure were the toxic ones. I love the tea. I called her out privately. She got defensive she kept saying it was a joke yada yada for two months we didn't talk but i missed our friendship invited them to our wedding when invites went out she texted me and we did apologize back and forth she sent the text but i could tell she still saw nothing wrong with what she said her and the same friend also told me they were planning a bridal shower for me but my bridesmaid mentioned she never got any details and it got canceled however they had no problems playing in a baby shower for another friend and each other just a few months later the day before my wedding both of their husbands suddenly couldn't make it so we ate the cost of two plates at the wedding so they went with other husbands it sounds like one friend got blackout drunk ditched the other and i later heard she had sex with one of our groomsmen this married girl tell her husband burn it down a few months later and i actually heard she slept with two groomsmen the same weekend i gotta know we did not get enough drama at your wedding i have no reason to believe they are lying about with a married woman like that's fair these grooms aren't like oh i fucked her one person is lying two is is a habit after our honeymoon i tried one more time i'm sorry now this is on you these bitches are crazy why are you still trying sent a group text to hang nothing materialized we made thanksgiving plans they canceled as we were literally packing the car to come over saying the baby was sick the next day they posted together a neighborhood event okay so they're just being assholes then i noticed the alleged cheater's husband unfriended me on facebook and remove me as a follower on Instagram. Here's my question. I keep replaying everything, wondering if I'm the problem. Even if I'm not, then I mourn the loss of the friendship. I certainly don't want friends who treat me like this, but I also keep remembering the good times, like a toxic relationship breakup. Any advice? I mean, at least she is using the word toxic because that is what is happening here. She is better off without these friends. I'm sorry that you've had some good times, but absolutely not. And this woman cheated on her husband. I mean, everybody that you find to be friends with, you will have good times with them. You You want to find people in the tough times, the bad times, that they're going to be there for you. You want to feel like I showed up for these people even though I'm not somebody with kids. I don't want to be at a fucking kid's birthday party, but I went to the showers and bought the gifts and bought the food. You want to feel like people show up for you too. Don't exclude you. I mean, there's just too much toxicity here. And it's like hit after hit. If there was no toxicity, I would just say like, you know, these women need mom support and they're in a different phase of life than you are, unfortunately. and some people have a harder time just prioritizing their single friends. I mean, I went through this. You and I both did in our 20s and our 30s when our friends were having kids. I mean, you just get a little less close with people sometimes. They need that group of friends. But this is just you having your feelings hurt constantly. Yeah, and you don't have the history with them to back this up. Like, I don't know. I don't know where she lives. She moved there. It might be hard to make friends. But A, you want friends without kids just because of life stage. you don't want just mom friends so fuck them for having kids i'm just kidding but like they you need friends without kids in the first place just like they need friends with kids and they sound toxic and i just i really hope you can make new friends and i don't know anything about her and her husband i hope they have a great supportive relationship and it's you know just right between the lines it sounds like they do and if you can visualize yourself like two years down the road five years down the road ten years down the road with friends who don't make you feel bad who aren't toxic, like a friendship like we have, or, you know, good friends, just think that maybe you wouldn't have had those friendships if you didn't lose some of the others. Like when you lose friends or just even deprioritize them, you make space for new friends. So I just always want people to remember that, like, don't cling to toxic friendships because you have to let them go to make space for healthy friendships. And you sometimes do have to choose yourself and think about your future self. Like really just close your eyes and think of you five years down the road you don't want these women in your life and you will have new women in your life and you'll be so thankful you ditched the toxic ones yeah i mean i think that you've like if this is truly how you feel you've tried multiple times the effort has been one-sided you're kind of looking for the moment that you caused this and i think it's important to look at your own behavior and say how did i contribute to this but like i think healthy friendships don't require you to like constantly audit like over and over and over again what did i do why am i being left out why are they hanging out without me why'd she fuck all these guys in my wedding i think that like good times together doesn't erase consistent disrespect i think that you will have memories with lots of people in your life that are good and positive and that's why they came to your life at one point but like you'll have good positive memories with everybody that's positive in your life at some point but yeah the constant toxicity and feeling bad that you don't deserve that nobody deserves to feel like that and i would maybe just i mean listen you're welcome to just be like hey did something happened here but i would just sort of stop engaging that much you know not everything requires a big grand conversation yeah 100 this is so reminds me of is it ellen hildebrand is it the five-star weekend there was like a friend breakup and the one girl who was always hosting those parties five star weekend she like her husband leaves her and then she invites all those friends and she invites one woman named brooke to the five star weekend and they had all been friends with this other woman who the main character had broken up with and then they saw her out and then brooke went and met up with her anyway there was just if you we get i love the five star weekend and like something about this is feeling like that and like that woman in the book was like that toxic energy and the hosting wars there was like a thing about that they just stopped inviting people it's just mean i don't know sometimes people just outgrow you too and they don't fuck with you anymore and that's disappointing and it sounds like you look at these women and you know at your core they are not nice they are petty they are creating situations their husbands both un-rsapeed from your wedding the night the night before what do you that's that's like a material thing that cost me money and hurt my feelings like that's not just like a I'm not sure what happened here. Like, that's really shitty behavior. There's so much more. The Thanksgiving thing. I mean, I want to speak to the woman who wrote this. Like, you are better than this. You are worthy of so much more than this. Like, this was an email where the hits kept coming. Like, they're mean. They are dishonest. Like, the fight that one of them had on the honeymoon with Stitches. I don't know what the fuck went down. Like, they're drama and maybe they're fun to party with, but you just don't want them in your life. I can say that with certainty. like there's some nuance i feel like with all the other emails besides this one yeah this is let's just be done with this yeah don't be done with people new friends okay that's our official statement fuck these girls yeah fuck these moms toxic mom toxic mom group okay guys oh my god girls gotta eat.com come see me this week in la come to pasadena this thursday i can't wait maybe ashley be there maybe not who's to say come see me in philly stall like rainard greenberg.com oh and come see us in LA together in May May 7th Netflix is a joke festival the only Girls Gotta Eat show we have on the books for 2026 together at the Pals Theater girls gotta eat.com yes well right now all right kitchen sink recipe builder download on the app store check out our premium subscription first day in singapore.com there's a lot going on today but yes we can't wait to see you guys at the netflix show and in la this week and ash has on instagram and tiktok reina is reina.greenberg girls gotta eat podcast this is all over the place you guys are gone no one's listening bye vibrator love you guys have a good week Play another, play another